I went out today

I really need to find a pca for Sunday's because my Sunday's are long, and after church it is done at 12:30 but I still have 10 hours. I get bored, my mom does things with everyone else. When I had Siira she use to stay until 3:30 and I don't want to go to cross roads because Jay kicked me out, and I know that even Horizon they want me to have a pca so what is the use of going to church if I can't go by myself? I started to cough and I was sitting next to the pastor's wife and she said "control it", I don't fit into any where lately and it sucks too. I want to be as independent as I possibly can. I don't want to have need to have someone with me every single second. I can do allot for myself, but I can't reposition myself and the pastor's wife kind of got mad at me for that too. I think that Jay must have called there too and it's like where the heck do I fit in?

When my mom was getting me up she said "when are you going for your shower?" I said "tomorrow, since you changed the colostomy yesterday". I hate how she is so concerned about my showers and nothing else. It gets very stressful and it makes me frustrated. If my laundry isn't done she doesn't like that either it gets so stressful living here, there is no love here and I need to move to some where else. There is also allot of tension here too, between my mom, Jorma and my mom. I hear him always saying something rude to her and I've had enough and I guess you can only take so much in your life time. I've been living with my mom and Jorma since I was 21 and I can't keep doing it day after day. I am very burnt out by my mom and Jorma. When Stephanie and I go out, I am calling dds and asking if she found some where else to live I cannot live here anymore, when I come home from some where there is no love and this whole house has the enemy living in it.

I was going to sit out side with Lacy and my mom was out there and Jorma being the idot that he is he said something but I didn't hear him and when I asked him "what did you say?" he didn't said "nothing" and I said "Jorma you did say something" he really acts like a child when he is around me and I'm sick of it, I've been doing it for so many years that I can't do it anymore. There is only so much I can handle and this is it, and no matter how nice I am to him he still acts rude and I'm sick of him. I called my dds worker and on Friday she is going to meet with me with Ellen so hopefully she can get me out of her end of September I don't want to live here anymore. I know that Jorma doesn't like when I spend time with my mom because I take up too much of her time anyway. But he doesn't mind my sisters spending time with her. I cannot move out of here and leave him behind and I do know that Maiju will call my new family and tell them about my past. But the worship leader at Horizon said that they really aren't real Christians if they can't forget and forgive my past. I wish they would but sadly they hold grudges against me and I wish they wouldn't but oh well God will deal with them too. I was telling my mom how Al said to Stephanie that I was being lazy by not going swimming. My mom said "you guys all lie about every thing"

I went to the park with Stephanie and she kept saying "I have a surprise for you" and I didn't know what it was so around 1pm Stephanie told me to pick up my book so I did. Then I saw Tavin running up to me and he's my little boyfriend he loves me and is in allot of love with me. Stephanie got me out of my chair and Stephanie went for a drive in it, and Tavin was so happy to see me. He is turning two August 19th so I am going to his birthday party he always says "mommy, where Minna?" he loves me so much and it's really cute too. When he see's me he goes nuts and I love him allot. I got allot of pictures, Stephanie tried out my chair to see how it felt and she laughed because I drive it in speed 5 and all she could drive it was in one. I remember learning how to drive it 4 years ago and I crashed into the table and I remember when Chris the wheelchair guy brought it here I told him that I didn't like him and he said "you don't need to like me"