I cannot believe it's end of September already!

Where I live it doesn't feel like September, it feels like the summer it's 80 degrees out. I am meeting with Ellen my therapist today and hopefully with my dds worker too. I want & need to get out of here. My mom was complain to Kristin how I go to bed so late but she watches her shows until 11 and I am usually ready by 10:30, then she goes upstairs and goes on the computer until 12. I am hoping to move out of here soon and get the heck out of here, I know when Jorma comes back than he'll be walking around in his boxers and they'll watch the Finnish news. It makes me miss my dad, he held this whole family together and now it's all falling apart. The song 7 x 70 by Chris August is right the walls have seen me happy, they've seen me torn but most of all they've seen a family fall apart. It's sad how my family has fallen apart, all my sisters are busy with their lives and even my mom is busy with her life. I need to move out and start my own life, and I need to meet new friends. I want friends who can come over on a Friday night and watch a movie and order pizza and even sleep over. I know my mom & Jorma won't like if they sleep over but I need a life too, they can cover themselves up and they don't need to wear these thin pj's. Imagine seeing you're mom's boyfriend walk around in his boxers at nights, that's so uncomfortable and it creeps me out. I always need to be facing the other way so I don't see him.
I am also going to ask my dds worker if she can find me a job other places too, I really want to help out the disabled. I miss helping them out, when I helped them out I forgot that I was disabled and I need that again. I really miss it and I really want it back, and I know that Lacy won't like me going to work. She gets so excited when I come home from some where, her tail wags and she goes nuts. She's so cute, at nights she needs to watch my mom put me in bed and when Steph works she needs to watch her get me out of bed. When Steph is making the bed she needs to give her a cookie because if she doesn't than she doesn't let Steph make the bed and she thinks she's helping but she really isn't. When Matt came on Sunday he said "if your ears were any bigger and if your tail was alittle longer you could fly" and it's true. My mom said that she needs a bath so tomorrow I will get the right kind of shampoo and then Steph will give her a bath.  When she's all wet she jumps on my lap and shakes herself on me and I get wet and I'm also going to buy her a new out fit too and take a new picture. Mary loves new picture's of her, I have them all over my room and on the door.Another thing she loves to do is spread all her toys every where and she reminds me of a kid how they spread all their toys and when Steph picks them up she spreads them all over again.
I met with Ann and she said that they don't have the funding for shared living right now, but she is going to get my job back at the arc. I was telling her how I miss helping out there. She said I would be good working with money skills, writing skills. I can bring my old fill in puzzles and work with the clients with the fill in puzzles. I liked helping them and all the clients miss me when they see me they say "we miss you" and it makes me feel wanted and needed when they say that. I will be happy if I get my job back and help them out, it makes me feel good about myself. The clients see me every where and they want me back so I guess that's where I belong , Steph doesn't like going to the library or barns noble and I wish that did. I love reading, I read like there is no tomorrow. Steph likes to go to parks and she thinks reading is boring, she doesn't like doing the puzzle books either but when I had Siira and Dale they loved going to barns and noble and the library. I am hoping that I can get more pca hours so that I can get some one here on Saturday. It's not fair for Steph that she needs to do all my showers and everything and in August my mom stopped taking out my trash and she only does easy things and I need to help Steph out too she can't do everything it's not fair for her. When Jorma wasn't in our lives she was more compassionate towards me but he changed her and Steph was reading my dad's journals and even Steph noticed that she was more compassionate when my dad was alive. Cancer doesn't just take one person it takes the whole family!
I was telling Ellen and Ann that my spasms are getting worse and on Monday I go see the botox doctor and I am hoping that she can give me botox. I need it, I am so spastic and I am so uncomfortable and my tone is worse too, I had these roho things on my foot plate but my tone has pushed them all off and I wish my spasms weren't this strong. My back hurts the most and I am always in pain, I got trigger point shots so hopefully I can start those again too. The botox hurts, I get 3 in my back, 3 in my left arm, 3 in each leg. When I was on an anti depressant it did damage to my hand and I remember when Miia found out I got off the anti depressant she didn't like it. When I am on the anti depressant I don't do anything and I don't have any motivation to do anything I just want to sit there and I don't read or do anything. I will only use Lacy and God as my anti depressants them two are better anti depressants. I am hoping that the doctor can give me botox right now my back is spasming I forgot to take my afternoon medication so that's why it's spasming. I miss having a boyfriend when my body would go into a spasm and Chris would be on the phone with me he would say "you need to stay calm" I need to be reminded to stay relaxed when my body starts to go into a spasm it's hard to stop it. When I was at Ellen's I had one and Ellen and Ann they were telling me to keep calm. After Ellen's, I was telling Steph that I want to go to a cottage when it's around Christmas and have a bunch of girls and we'll probably have a chocolate and snow ball fight. In July when Lauren slept over we were up until 2am and we had so much fun and I want to have another girl's weekend. I will call Dawn tomorrow and let her know so she can come too. My mom said if we go to Maine and have fun there and I am sure that we will have allot of fun. Steph will get her friends to come with us too and we'll have allot of fun and get out of our boring town

relaxed

I really hope I get the hospital bed, this bed isn't comfortable and my back or knee is always hurting me. I know that my mom doesn't like coming to fix me at nights unless she's going to the bathroom. I have to wear this thing on my heal at nights and my knee has been twisting outward and it's not a comfortable position. I am hoping that in my new chair they can put something so my foot doesn't fly off the foot plate that hurts my hip. I will be in a store and all of a sudden my leg falls off the foot plate, in my manual wheelchair MHS put a foot box and that is what I would ask Chris my wheelchair guy to put on my new chair so that way if I don't have my foot buckled my foot won't fly off. On Monday I go see the botox doctor so I am going to request her to do it again as much as it's painful it will help me in the long run.

Today I went out with Steph and she had to get something for her boyfriend and we went to the Burlington mall, I went to barns and noble while she went to the mall. I couldn't tell my mom where we were going because she would have a fit if she knew where we were going. When I try to live I can't and it gets frustrating, I want to live but when I can't my mom doesn't like it and I wish that she would. It's been a rainy day all day today, Steph wanted to take me to cross roads on Sunday but I don't want too because no one there wants me there. When Steph was doing the vbs every one was telling her how I bug people when I'm there so I really don't want to go there if I am just going to bug them and even Al was saying that I'm a distraction there. So I will go to horizon and hopefully Ann will have more pca hours for me and I can have more time here and I won't be bored half the time.

I am hoping to meet with dds tomorrow along with Ellen, I want and I need to find a job. I want to work with disabled people and help them out as much as I can, I like helping disabled people out. I know that the arc won't hire me, the director won't hire me back and I can't go shopping every day. I like going out but then my mom complains about the gas. I couldn't tell her where Steph and I were going today because she would get bent out of shape and it's to bad. I like going shopping, tomorrow I am hoping to go to barns and noble I like to read there and it makes my time go by faster when I read and I'm out of the house. If Ann my dds worker got me more pca hours than I will hire some one from church, my mom told Kristen my nurse yesterday that I go to bed to late but she is always watching her show's until 11pm and last night I wanted to say "why do you tell people that I stay up to late, and you watch your show's until 11?" I was telling Steph that last night and it even confuses Steph too. I need to move out and that's another question that I will ask my dds worker how long is the waiting list for shared living? I want and need to move out of here asap! It's so peaceful with Jorma but in two weeks he'll be back and than I will see him walk around in his boxers but I will keep my door half way shut so that way I won't see him when he comes out of the bathroom. My room is right next to the bathroom and I always need to make sure that I am facing the other way so that I don't see him walking out of the bathroom, I wouldn't mind if it was my dad but he's not my dad.

I can't believe that September is over tomorrow, the weeks fly by. I don't know where they go either, on minute I know it's Monday then the next minute I know it's Friday. This November will be 7 years that I've had my colostomy, I wasn't supposed to make out of that surgery but I did and I am glad that I did. It wasn't an easy thing to accept but now I don't mind it. I wish my dad would have gotten the colostomy but he was a stubborn Finnish man, and if he would have gotten it he would have still been here. My friend Dave remembers the day that he died, I'm still his chocolate queen. I am sure that he would be proud of me for that and he would be proud of me for keeping the faith and I never lost it even when my life got harder. I am a strong young lady and when I go places and people ask me where did I learn to do all this? I say "my dad taught me" and he probably has a box full of credit's in heaven. I am going to do relay for life in memory of him again, that's not easy for me to do but I do it for him because of what he taught me and I give him so much credit for teaching me the truth and he would be very happy with me. I go places even though I am disabled, I do things for myself and I do allot more than other disabled people do for themselves. On October 9th will be 1 year that Suvi and Brad got married and I made a speech and I told her not to forget me and to hang out with me and she made that promise and she broke it. She's so busy with school, Brad and the married life and she and Maiju (my other sister) they do so many things together but they never include me. I am always stuck here and I get bored here, my mom talks on the phone and watches her shows. It's my time to move out and start to live and get my own life and find a good boyfriend who lives close to me. I thought Matt was the right guy for me but he isn't, Chad (Steph's boyfriend) was asking him does he believe in God and he said "no". I want a good Christian guy so this Sunday when I go to church I will ask if anyone knows of any single guys who want a girlfriend.


boring day

I asked my sister Miia to please convince my mom to get me the hospital bed, I really need it. The bed I have now is okay but the hospital bed would be more comfortable for me, and it would be easier for my mom too to get me in and out of bed. I try to make her life easier but she doesn't want to take the chances and I wish that she would. I am hoping that Miia will email or call her. I want and need the hospital bed it will make our lives so much easier and I really want her to take the chance this time! I wish that she would allow me to have my room the way I want it to be but she doesn't want anything sticking out but it would help me. It gets pretty frustrating living here, I need to move out and really start living my life the way I want it too. Today the nurse is coming and she wants Steph to be here so she can put me in bed, but she has a life too.
I hope that someone will convince the director of the arc to give my job back, I miss the people and they miss me too. The clients get so excited to see me when they do. I miss helping them out, and they would be so happy when I went to help them out. I forgot that I was disabled when I was there, the director was an okay lady. I am so glad that I fought the day program. As I've said in my earlier posts in 2007 when I got lost in Florida and Miia came out and talked with me she said "you are going into a day program" but what would I learn there? it would be the life skills program all over again and I don't want to do that again. The life skills program they didn't teach me anything and when they didn't want to give me my diploma and my friends got it for me I still thank them. Shawn, and Dave and all my other friends who were there with me they helped me and they went down the special ed office and got it for me. The special ed office they don't spend any time with the disabled people, half the people at MHS didn't get their diploma. I passed the mcass so did my friend Sammy, and I am proud of her. Alycia on the other hand didn't believe in herself and her parents put her in the day program and now she just sits in a group home and in the day program and does nothing. I feel bad for her, because I know she is smart. I need to become an advocate for disabled people, this Friday when I meet with my dds worker I am going to ask her how can I become an advocate for disabled people so that parents don't put them in day programs and all the other junk that they do to disabled people
My nurse convinced my mom to get the hospital bed and I am so happy, that means when I get it I will be more comfortable. My mom was telling my nurse "she goes to bed so late and I'm so tired", I wanted to say "well I could get a pca here at nights" my friend Jenny said to get an over night pca but my mom wouldn't want that because than Jorma couldn't walk around in his boxers at nights. I need to move out of here and move on like my sisters did, it's way to stressful to live here. It's my time to grow up and move out and get the heck out of here and start my own life. I want to go some where else where they would want to interact with me. My mom just sits in the living room while I just sit in my room and if my sisters or my aunt were to call her she would stop and talk with them but when it comes to me I am just her option and I'm sick of being just her option. She doesn't want to take the over night hours with someone else who could help her out but she doesn't like staying up until 10:30 and if she would be willing to take the hours it would help her out. But when Steph did the over night last month my mom didn't like it and I don't think that Jorma did either because he couldn't walk around in his boxers either.
On Monday I am going to see the doctor who does botox and I am going to ask her to do it again because my back is always spasming and my legs are too. It gets prettu frustrating being me and sometimes I cry and I can't go to my mom and tell her how I am feeling about my disabilities because she'll tell me that I'm complain I really can't go to anyone unless it's Dawn, Jenny or Dave. I can't go to my sisters because they don't know what it's like to be in my shoe's and I wish that I could go to them but I can't. I consider Dawn as my sister because when no one understands she does and I thank God for every night, and I miss her. I am hoping that she can sleep over soon, we've had some good times together and we were bad before we use to drink and swear like crazy. We use to listen to Avril Lavigne's song "Girl Friend" with a bunch of swears and we use to swear like we were bus drivers. That's why I want a Christian boyfriend I don't want one who wants sex all the time like Chris did, at first he was fine then in January he changed and I'm not sure why he did and he's to immature to tell me what I did wrong but oh well I'll leave him alone. I will find some one better, on Sunday I am going to Steph's old church and I am hoping that will be a guy. Matt doesn't a relationship and I want a good guy, who can help me relax at nights and some one who can help me when my pain is bad. Right now my pain is a 6 and I am also thankful that the doctor did put me on a stronger pain pill last October even though no one in family likes it. Their not the ones living in this body and I'm sure if they were they would think of the pain medication differently.

comfortable

I really hope that my nurse can convince my mom to get the hospital bed, I can't sleep in mine anymore I'm not comfortable and it's not fair if she was me I would get her a comfortable bed. I know I am getting weaker because I can't do things for myself, when I try and feed myself I make a mess and my pain and spasms are worse. I know that my mom doesn't like me taking the stronger pain medication but she's not living in my body. When I don't have a pca here my spasms last longer because my mom doesn't remind me to relax she is always watching TV or is on the stupid  phone! I want to move out of here, yesterday when my colostomy leaked she told me that I shouldn't be drinking all the juice packets and instead water. I said  "my medications make me more thirsty" she doesn't want me eating things or drinking things and it's getting to be way to hard for me to handle and I've done it for so long and I know she doesn't like charging my chair but it's my legs, Chris the wheelchair guy said it can go 20 miles without needing charging. I texted that to Dawn and she told me that she charges her chair every night even if she doesn't go out. I can't do it anymore, I am always in my room alone and if I go talk to her she'll get on the phone with one of my sisters or her sisters or a friend from church. I can't please her, it's not my fault my meds make me more thirsty I was so happy going with her to market basket and when we left she was in a bad mood. 
My back and knee hurts so badly, it's the spasming and it gets frustrating. I hate it and I wish I had a rewind button to when my body wasn't this tight and spastic. My knee always twists and my back always hurts and I always need to wear this boot on my heal because of my tone. I miss being able to see more things better and now my glasses broke and next month I have the eye doctor and I know when they do the color test I will fail that.
Today I went out with Steph and when we went out Suvi gave me her library card and Steph really didn't want to go the library so we went to get her brother Ryan and we went to the park. Ryan and Steph said "library's and reading are more for winter and in the fall in summer you're supposed to be out". Steph doesn't like going to barns and noble but she'll go to the Christian book store and it frustrates me because I enjoy going to the book store or the library that's why I am hoping that Ann my dds worker can find me a job and get me more pca hours. I can't always sit out side in parks and I know that Steph likes doing that but I am more of a book reader and she's really not. I love to read I can read between70 & 80 pages a day and I read my sisters keeper in one day. When Dale & Siira were working with me we would the library  or to the barns and noble. I've always loved to read, I had to take a break from reading tonight because when I read every night my head always hurts so I can't read every night.
I got an email from this magazine person and she got my name from the person who is going to do the movie about me, and she wanted to know what makes me unique so I told her. That I lost my dad and how he made a huge impact on me, even though he had stage 3 colon cancer he taught me how to live. When random people on the streets ask me where did I learn all that I say "my dad taught me and he died of stage 3 colon cancer but through his cancer he taught me how to live". Two weeks ago when I went to barns and noble a man asked me where did I learn and I said from my dad. I am sure that he is smiling down on me right now as I am typing this, and when he named me his chocolate queen he should have thought better because I grew up to be one and now I am in love with chocolate all because of him and Steph wants to smack him so did Dale. I laugh and when I go to heaven he'll probably say "you did a good job with your chocolate" I will say "yes, but Steph and Dale didn't like it" and he'll probably laugh. He taught me how to trust God more than doctor's because they can only do so much but God can do allot more than humans can and it's true.

allot of things

I really hope that Ann can find me a job, Stephanie is always late my mom doesn't need me. It gets stressful because I need her to be here at 9, she's done this so many times and if she worked any where else I am pretty sure that they would have fired her. Yesterday when she came she was fine and this morning I got a text "I'm not feeling good, I might be late I don't want to get you sick". Between her and my mom they both stress me out, my mom is always asking me about my showers and Stephanie not always coming in them two stress me out allot! I would go to prayer with Steph on Tuesday's but Al is there and it's uncomfortable for me to be there, last week when I went it was really uncomfortable and that's why I don't want to go back to cross roads, it's uncomfortable for me there and no one asks about me. They clearly don't want me there and it's not a good feeling to be there and my mom asked Steph "why don't you bring her there?" yes I like the worship but the people don't like me there and I don't want to go some where else where I am not needed. Al wants me to read my bible and go swimming but I do enough for myself when I do the quotes and bible verses I read the bible and last week at prayer he wouldn't look at me. I don't want to go back to cross roads because it will be an odd feeling and I know they don't want me there and it's not a good feeling. I need to find a pca who can take me to church and do things like that with me in the winter, my mom is so busy with Jorma and he needs to come with us every where we go.

I am happy that Jorma's not here, my mom and I are going grocery shopping and if he was here then he would follow us. He really reminds me a child, he's in Sweden now visiting his other daughter and his 4 grandchildren. I went to Finland when I was one year old, I have allot of aunts and uncles there. Finnish chocolate is allot better than American chocolate I like the taste better. I remember when he moved in it was the hardest thing for me, my mom and him went upstairs and I was alone in my room. When he's here he follows her every where and at times I want to say "grow up". I am glad that my mom didn't put me in a group home like Alycia's mom did, I googled day programs and I am going to call them to see if I could help out in one of them it would give me something to do during the days.

I went to market basket with my mom and I drove down there and this lady from the arc saw me and she said "we want you to come back" I said talk to the director" she said "I am tomorrow". Stephanie likes going out but I would rather be at the library or barns and noble, but she did say that if I go to work again that she'll come with me so that I don't lose the hours. I kind of don't want to give my mom the hours because she doesn't spend time with me. She's always on the phone or watching TV. If she would take me out with Jorma being here than he would need to follow us but he's in Finland and I am happy that he is in Finland. I don't need to see him walk around in his boxers and he walks around with no shirt on. I wouldn't mind if it was my dad but he's not my dad and he shouldn't even be living here, he use to live at Mary's than my mom let him move in. I really wish that he wouldn't have moved in but it's their life if they want to live in sin they can. When we got home I said to my mom "the reason why I like you to charge my chair at nights it's because you charge your legs at night and my chair is my legs" and she said "Chris said it doesn't need to be charged every day and it can go 20 miles without being charged". I texted that to Dawn and she charges her chair every night and it's true our chair's are our legs and if we don't have them charged than we are stuck in one position and that's not fair for us.

Tomorrow I am calling Ann she wasn't in the office today but I am going to ask her two things one if my pca company called her to see if they can get more pca hours and 2 if she found out the waiting list for shared living is. I can't live here anymore, there is no love here and my mom always seems to be upset with me and no matter what I do, I cannot please her. I am sick of it, I've done it for so long that I can't do it anymore. I need to move out and start living and having fun. I want to have a life with new people, Maiju and Suvi they don't want to hang out with me and they don't have ramps in their houses and I wish they would but they don't. If I were them I would have a ramp to my house and have more interaction with my sister. But they are busy and I really need to move out when Jorma comes back next month I know that at nights that he'll be walking around in his boxers and no shirt on. My mom gets bent out of shape out of the little things and I wish that she would get a hospital bed it would make both of our lives easier but she doesn't want it. I want another pca so that Stephanie doesn't need to do all the showers and she called out today and my mom did my laundry but a month ago she said that she wasn't going to do it anymore. She just wants to do the easy things, I go through so much but God really helps me and I am glad that he does help me. I probably would have given up along time ago probably after my dad died but I didn't give up on God or my life. I am also hoping that I can get my job back at the arc to feel good about myself and to get out of the house. I am hoping that Stephanie can come tomorrow I want to go to the Leominster library and get more books.

Matt came today

Oh my goodness my mom is going to church! Jorma needs to stay out of her life, he doesn't want to go to church!! I am so happy, she still believes in God it's Jorma who doesn't believe in God, he needs to go and stay out our lives. She's calmer without him and I wish that he would move out but he won't so I will. In 2009 when he went to Finland she went to church too, it's the enemy who is keeping her away from church and the enemy lives here too! When Jorma's here every thing is so stressful and not peaceful and he gets in these moods where he's fine with me one day then the next day he's not fine with me and it gets so confusing too! I wish my mom and I had a better relationship but we don't and I've tried to talk to her but right when the phone rings she stops talking to me and I wish that she wouldn't stop talking to me. Once she was helping me take down quotes and bible verses and then Maiju called and she stopped helping me. Jorma has the enemy with him and no one else see's it but me and I know that he has the enemy and he's stopping my mom from doing allot for herself. She doesn't have the confidence to drive in the dark or really do anything and it's to bad because when he wasn't in our lives she was nicer to me and that's what I miss allot. This morning when I was telling her "whole heaven might hear me scream" she said "why?" I said "because of Matt coming over" she said "guys don't like all the screaming"I wasn't going to scream out loud only in my mind.



I am so glad that my dad taught me how to pray and to trust God better than humans. Every night when I go to bed I thank God for my dad he was an amazing dad. I still miss him, I remember going on all these trips with him such as going skiing. When I was at MHS and I would look for him Dave my ex boyfriend said "Minna, remember he went to heaven" and I became sad. Summer 2000 when I went to Iowa I won six gold medals and when I came back I went to his grave and left one on his grave. I am glad that I don't put him down like Maiju did, in July when Maiju called Stephanie and she was putting my dad down and that wasn't good. Maiju likes Jorma more and if I only had a camera to show her what he's really like than she would change her mind. My dad would come visit me every Wednesday at MHS and would talk with me and I remember summer 1999 when I was leaving he said "I can't come visit you anymore, I'm to sick". When I see all his old journals and my mom was more compassionate but then Jorma came into our lives. Writing about my dad that's not easy because it's a hard subject but I need too. When I see chocolate I can picture God saying "there goes your chocolate queen again" and he probably smiles and says "that's my chocolate queen". When I did relay for life this past June and I saw all the colon cancer patience who made it through it, tears came down my face. That's why I am going to decade the movie to my dad because he taught me how to live and that I can still do things even though I am this disabled.



Matt came over today and at first Lacy barked at him but after awhile she was fine and she showed him all her toys and he said "she's so cute" we took her for a walk. Stephanie and Chad her boyfriend came over and Matt, Stephanie, Chad tag teamed me. I always telling them that I have a halo and they told me to keep wishing. I tried to convince them that I was a good driver and all 3 of them told me to keep wishing that I was. Stephanie put my chair in manual and the 3 of them were having fun with me and I smacked all of them and they laughed. I am sure that my dad was having fun watching me. Matt just wants to be friends so next Sunday when I go to church I am going to ask if anyone knows of anyone single who would want a relationship with me. I really want to be with a guy, I miss that allot. Today when Matt saw me go into a spasm he said "Teal and I always saw her spasm at FHS and we always needed to remind her to stay relax". October 3rd I am going to the doctor who does my botox so I know that I will need it again. Maiju came by with Ella and I was telling her that I need botox and I am wearing shorts and she said "yes, I see your legs are tight". I hate how my body spasms, but that's where Chris really helped me out because he was able to keep me calm and when I would go into a spasm he would remind me to relax. I want a guy who lives close to me and who I can see more often and they can take me out to dinner and do other things with me. I want a good Christian guy. Chris told me in January that sex before marriage isn't a sin. While Stephanie was here Chad came in my room and Stephanie showed him my chocolate and my snack drawer. When Maiju came by I was telling her how Stephanie doesn't like my dad for naming his "chocolate queen" all the pastors and his friends at work they said "Mikko, the more you call her your chocolate queen she's going to turn into one" and he said "no she won't" I am 28 years and 12 years later I am his chocolate queen. He probably laughs when I buy chocolate and probably says to God "that's my good chocolate queen"

Tomorrow I am calling dds to find out if she got me more pca hours, I really want them. Especially in the winter time so that I won't need to be alone, I know that Stephanie needs a break and I need to give her one. But if I don't have someone then I will be bored because my mom will be with Jorma and they'll do their thing. This past Saturday my mom really didn't want to pick me up from barns and noble but I would have been bored. I wish that she would have picked me up later but oh well. I am going to ask Ann if she can give me some numbers to call to get a job I don't want to work at CVS or walmart I want to help disabled people. I use to work at CVS but that got boring, I like working with the disabled and helping them and encouraging them to do all that they can themselves. Two weeks ago when I went to the day program and I told the arc what Alycia can do for herself they were going to write it down so that they don't help her with things. At MHS they taught us how to do things for our selves such as going grocery shopping and how to do things like that. Today when Matt was here, Matt was telling Stephanie that no one liked how I was in the life skills program and I didn't learn anything from that classes all I did was take naps during class. When I would have spasms they would write them down and at my meeting at the end of the year they told them and it upset me because I haven't faked a spasm and it's hard to fake a spasm. But I really want to help disabled people so that they can do as much as they can for themselves. I would be a perfect example and I could show all of them how to do things, I fill my own drinks and when I go out to stores my mom and Stephanie they always make sure that I have dollar bills instead of dollar's, those are harder for me to handle. I want to do something that I would feel good at doing and I would forget that I was disabled at the same time so that would be a good thing, Stephanie said that she would still come with me and so that I wouldn't lose my pca hours. When I worked at the arc I did 10-2 and that's what I would like to do again, I would like to get paid too. I want the iPhone and my mom won't add me on her plan so I will need to get one myself.

I went to barns and noble tonight

I slept good last night, I fell asleep at 12:30 and Stephanie came at 9am and tomorrow I will probably sleep later but it's okay. I have nothing else better to do, I need friends around here. I need to get a life and have fun. I can't always sit in my room every night it gets boring and reading and things like that get boring. I wish I could get into my sisters houses and I want to hang out with them. I really hope that Ann can find me a place where I wouldn't be bored half the time, and I would have more interaction with humans. At cross roads they have these growth groups but I couldn't get into their houses and they don't want me there anyway. In July when Jay said "you need to come here with someone" I wanted to say "I can go to all these other places myself without someone with me". I kind of want to go barns and noble but then I don't because my mom will want to pick me up early because she doesn't have the confidence in herself to drive after dark. She depends on Jorma way to much and now that he's not here I can't stay out late, last night I was so bored and I read and I wanted a fast forward button to be 10pm to go to sleep. 

I hate the rain there is nothing to do here and it's going to be raining until Wednesday and that means I will have to do all this indoor things. I want to help out at a day program and do things like that. I also like going to the library finding new books and I love going to barns and noble and things like that. When Dale was working with me we would go to barns and noble and just sit there and that's what I like, but I would like some company with me too. So I am hoping that Ann can find get me more hours so that I could go to barns and noble with them, Dale is busy with her life.

Tomorrow at 12 Matt is coming over and Stephanie and her boyfriend are going to come by and tease me. I'll probably slap both of them and then Stephanie is with me all next week so I am sure that she'll be getting all sorts of rises out of me and I'll probably want to smack her! I am glad that my dad isn't alive he would have allot of fun teasing me if he was alive. I cannot wait to get another pca too that way I won't be stuck here alone on Saturday's, I need to give Stephanie the weekend off and I would keep my mom but as I've said before she doesn't interact with me she's so busy with the phone and her own life that's another reason I want to move out. I go to barns and noble for two things 1 is to get out of the house the other  reason is because if I were to stay here I would be bored and that's why I want another pca to take me out on Saturday's and to help Stephanie out too. My mom only wants to do the easy things and that's not fair for her so I need to find another pca. I am excited about hanging out with Matt tomorrow, the last time I hung out with a guy was last October when I was with Chris and I hung out with Matt two weeks ago :). Stephanie is going to take pictures so they'll be in tomorrow's post.

My mom doesn't know how to do anything without Jorma, she doesn't know how to turn the TV on or do anything. She depends on him way to much and it's really sad to see, she was so happy without him. In 2003 they met at CVS and that's when I became less important to her and he quit work. My mom doesn't trust God at all when I go out I know that he's with me but she doesn't trust him at all but he even says he won't leave us. I know that I am safe where ever I go even with the seizures I know that he wouldn't let anything happen to me. It's sad to see my mom not trusting God at all anymore and she use too. She needs Jorma to do every thing for her and it's sad before he was in our lives everything was better but oh well I will soon be out of her life and her and Jorma can do what ever they want too in life. I can't live here anymore it's to stressful and there's no love or interaction either, my mom seems to only care about my showers, laundry, and nothing else and it's not a good feeling and I am done living here.

Be strong! Be courageous! Do not be afraid of them! For the Lord your God will be with you. He will neither fail you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6

this week went by quickly

I wish I had friends closer to me, that I could hang out with. All the ones from FHS they drink and party, the ones from horizon they're all busy. I like going to barns and noble but I get bored there too, but I can't always stay in the house either. At nights I want to go out and not always stay in the house that gets boring. I like doing my quotes and bible verses but my mom is always sitting in the living room my friend Jenny who lives in New York and Sammy their moms interact with them. I am hoping to get into shared living and get more interaction and not do the same thing every night and not always sit in my room alone. My mom has all the time in the world to talk to my sisters and her sister nut when it comes to me she doesn't have the patience to sit there and talk with me.

I can't go to barns and noble tonight because of the stupid rain and now it will be a boring night again. I get so bored here, I want to move out and get some human interaction that would be nice. I am bored half the time here and my mom is having her friend over. It gets frustrating and I wish I had a fast forward button, I need to find friends who could take me out and have fun with me. I can't always be alone in my room I hate it allot. I want and need a life, and I need to move out too. I'm not happy here anymore. I've done it for so long that there just comes a point where I can't deal with it anymore. I wish I could go to my mom and help her understand what it's like to be just an option when everyone else is more important to her. But I understand that she didn't want to get wet, so I will ask her if I can go tomorrow night instead.

Today I met with Ellen and she said that Ann my dds worker can set up a isp meeting and I can go on trips. This morning Stephanie was talking about going down to Florida for a week and dds can give me money to go on a trip like that and that would be awesome. I would like to go around my birthday and have fun down there for a week and have fun there. I could ask Miia (my oldest sister) if I could sleep over there and I would be with Siira, Aniika and Jeffery, they would love it. This past summer when Aniika and Jeffery saw me they got so excited to see me and they got so happy and it was really cute. I love them allot, and they love me. I know that Hailey and Ella they love me too, when they see me they always fight over who is going to put the lift up or down and they like to buckle me in too. When Miia and her husband come up from Florida Miia and Maiju have me watch them and I always need to count how many of them I have, Jeffery and Ella take off on me but Hailey and Ella stay close to me.

I am hoping to find a good job and working with disabled people, I want to do that. On Thursday when I was talking to my dds worker she was going to look into a job like that for me and I really would like it. I like helping disabled people, when I was at MHS the seniors would go into the elementary school and help them out. I want to encourage disabled people do the best that they can for themselves and not depend on others to always do it for them, that doesn't help them out. When I was working at the arc I felt good about myself and I need that again, Stephanie can come with me.  My life is getting better, I will hopefully move into shared living, work and still do my quotes and bible verses. I really want to help disabled people and make them feel good about themselves. Maybe that's the reason why I am disabled to change the world for other disabled people and help them out too. I really want to get a job at a day program and help them out, sitting around here gets boring Stephanie doesn't like to go to barns and noble or to the library. So I need something else to do during the day and helping out in a day program would be perfect for me :)

Mikeschair "someone worth dying for"

You might be the wife,
Waiting up at night
You might be the man,
Struggling to provide
Feeling like it's hopeless

Maybe you're the son,
Who chose a broken road
Maybe you're the girl,
Thinking you'll end up alone
Praying God can you hear me?
Oh God are you listening?

(Chorus)
Am I more than flesh and bone?
Am I really something beautiful?
Yeah, I wanna believe, I wanna believe that
I'm not just some wandering soul
That you don't see and you don't know
Yeah I wanna believe, Jesus help me believe that I
Am someone worth dying for

I know you've heard the truth that God has set you free
But you think you're the one that grace could never reach
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
So you just keep asking, what everybody's asking

Chorus

You're worth it, you can't earn it
Yeah the Cross has proven
That you're sacred and blameless
Your life has purpose

And you are more than flesh and bone
Can't you see you're something beautiful
Yeah you gotta believe, you gotta believe
He wants you to see, He wants you to see
That you're not just some wandering soul
That can't be seen and can't be known
Yeah you gotta believe, you gotta believe that you
Are someone worth dying for

You're someone worth dying for
You're someone worth dying for

:)

I really like how Jorma is gone, it's so peaceful here and my mom is more friendly towards me. Even Stephanie noticed it too, there is no tension. When Jorma is here every thing is different, he makes the coffee at a certain time and he controls my mom and it's sad to see. She's much happier with him being gone and if only my sisters would see it, but they don't. I know that Jorma won't move out so I will and she doesn't rush to put me in bed at nights and when he is here she rushes me. Tomorrow when I meet with Ellen I am hoping that my dds worker will be there too and hopefully I can get more pca hours and I wouldn't need to be alone every night. I also want a job some where Stephanie can come with me too I want to help out the disabled. I really like helping them out it makes me feel better  about myself and I would forget about my disabilities too :) so I need that.

It's a rainy day today, I don't like when it rains my body hurts more and I'm in more pain too. My back is more tight and I know that when I go into a spasm Stephanie is going to say "Matt" I am hanging out with him on Sunday. I miss him and he misses me too, I like being around him and he wants to take me to all these dates and I will love it. Stephanie, and I are going to double date and I know that Stephanie, Chad and Matt they'll tease me. Last week I told Matt that I was a good driver and he said "you only wish you were a good driver" and I slapped him and he laughed. He said "the Fitchburg cops need to give you speeding tickets" and I smiled and when I was going home he said "no speeding" and I said "hey". I can't wait to hang out with him on Sunday, Stephanie and Dawn they both told me if I tell them that I miss my dad they'll say "do you miss him on your dates with Matt?" and I will quickly say "no!". I will have my mom take a picture of Matt and I and I will post it on here and I know when I email it to Stephanie and my friends I stopped using facebook I really wasn't into it Dawn and Stephanie will tease me and I will want to smack them.

I hate being so spastic and it gets really stressful when I have Stephanie here she is able to calm me down but when it's just my mom and I she just sits in the living room and she talks on the phone. It gets really stressful because I need to be reminded to relax and stay relaxed, next month I go see the botox doctor and I am going to request her to do the botox again I really need it again as much I hate it, I get relief from it. I told Stephanie when they do it if she can come in there with me and keep my mind off the needles, I get it in my back, my left arm and both in my legs. My back hurts the most I have these trigger points and they are always hurting me, when my mom was at the Finnish fair she bought me this Finn Stick and it works. I put it on my trigger points and it does help even though it does hurt. I am hoping that my dds worker can get me more pca hours so that I am not always alone. It gets lonely in my room and my mom really doesn't have the patience to listen to me, some times I stutter because of my disabilities but that's not my fault.

I can't believe that this is the last weekend in September, where does the time go? it flies by. It seems like just yesterday it was June when it was relay for life and now it's fall. I think fall is pretty I love going to parks. Today when I talked to my dds worker she is going to look for a job for me working at a day program :). I really like to help them out and it will make me feel better about myself too. Stephanie will come with me so I don't loose the pca hours but I really want to help out other disabled people I miss that and the arc they don't want me back even though the clients do the main person doesn't want me back. But I really want to help the people and make them feel good about themselves. Alycia shouldn't be in one but her mom and dad chose to put her in one and that bugs me because she is so smart and she didn't get her high school diploma because she didn't think that she was smart enough but my friend Sammy did and I am proud of Sammy that she got her diploma and she's in college and that's where Alycia should be and she shouldn't be in a day program wasting her memory away. In 2004 my mom and whole family wanted me to go in one but I'm never going in one.

it's so peaceful without Jorma

It seems so peaceful with out Jorma, when my mom came home last night the whole house was peaceful and it was a nice feeling too :). I wouldn't mind living here if my mom interacted with me and Jorma wasn't here. But she likes to watch her shows and talk on the phone and I'm just stuck in my room every night and it gets boring. I need to move out and start to live, all my sisters are moved out so it's my time to move out and start living. I want to start living and having a life and if dds finds me a job at a day program or group home, maybe that's why God let this disabilities pass so that I can show other disabled people that they can still do things. When I worked at the arc I was able to help the clients and when I showed them different ways to handle their money such as has a 5 dollar bill instead of 1's, that's what I always do in my wallet. I miss helping them out like that, it always made me feel good about myself and that's what I want back. I am hoping to meet Ann my dds worker this Friday with Ellen and if they can get me a job some where I would still have Stephanie come with me too. I miss helping them out, it made me feel good about myself and I forget about my disabilities.

Last night when I went to prayer at cross roads, Al was there and it was very odd seeing him. I really didn't look at him and when it was done we left quickly, he didn't even say "hi or bye" but oh well. I told everyone there that a Christian movie director is going to do a movie about my life and I am going to decade the movie to my dad and I am going to put "dad this is for you, so thank you for your lessons that you taught me how to live even though I am disabled. Love always and forever your chocolate queen"

I have another date with Matt on Sunday and I am excited, I really like him we aren't a couple yet. But we're still hanging out and getting to know each other again, I really like being around him when I am, my wheelchair goes away and I need that. Last Wednesday when I hung out with him I must have had the biggest smile and probably whole heaven herd me scream too! I know my dad was watching me on that date and probably saying "if I could only be down there teasing her" two weeks ago when I saw him at Market Basket I almost flew out of my chair that day. I was looking for him for one month and I tried looking for him at his old job and he wasn't there and I've been looking every where and I couldn't find him. He lives right down the street from me so that's what is amazing too, he's been there all this time and I couldn't find him and he was very close to me and that's what is amazing. I never thought I would find him and when I did I still am happy, I like being around him and I am pretty sure he likes me too. He wants to meet Lacy so this Sunday I will have my mom take a picture and then put it on here. Then I will send it to cvs and get a copy made and if my mom gets two different pictures than I will make the pictures big so that I can see them. I always did that to Chris and I when we got a picture together and when he broke up with me this past January to go have sex with other woman I took them down.

I am meeting with Ellen this Friday and hopefully my dds worker too and maybe Ann will have some good news about more pca hours for me. I would love and need that, now that I can't go to crossroads anymore. I don't think that my mom would like to drive me to church on Sunday's so I want and need to find a good pca who could take me on Sundays and be here on Saturday's too. Stephanie does allot and she can't always do my showers and every thing and she would train the new pca and I would like Ann to find me a night time job working at a group home and helping them out and  I  be out of the house for a few nights of week and I can have Stephanie drop me off and then my mom and Jorma will pick me up. I know that Jorma would need to come with my mom because he needs to be with her all the time.

good night & God bless

I really hope that dds can get me out of here, last night my mom asked me "when are you going for your shower in the morning or afternoon?" I said "afternoon". It's easier for me to go for a shower later on in the day a month ago I made this pottery thing last Friday Stephanie and I went to see if it was ready and it wasn't and my mom kept going on about that when she was putting me to bed. I almost said to her "I am done living here, I can't please you. I am burnt out by you, you only care when my showers are done, my laundry, when my sheets are changed" I know that's going to come out once and I know she won't like it but oh well. I know that she won't like how I am calling dds and telling them what she really does, Stephanie is going to call the pca company and telling them that she's lying to the insurance. Stephanie isn't feeling good and if she doesn't come in today than my mom will need to do my shower and she won't like that as I said she only wants to do the easy things.
Yesterday when Stephanie and I were talking we were saying how Maiju is a busy body. She has 3 kids and yet she has time to call my doctor's and everyone. In 2008 when I was seeing Ellen Maiju would always call her and I wanted to say "get a life". In May 2008 I stopped seeing Ellen because I didn't want my family to always call her. It got annoying always have to hear it from Ellen "your family called". I would go to them and ask them "did you call Ellen?" they always said "no, she called us". Stephanie was out today but she'll be coming at 4 and I know that tomorrow she'll call the pca company. My trash is so full right now and my mom won't empty it, she won't do allot of things anymore and it's to bad. She only does the easy things. Today Jorma had a appointment at umass but he needed my mom to go with him and I wanted to say "you're 60 and you still need some one to go with you?" I am 28 and I go to all these paces myself". My mom won't move my bed or anything she says that Stephanie can do it".
Jorma went to Finland today so it's just my mom and I for a month it's going to be nice, now I don't need to see him walk around his boxers :), I told him to bring me back some Finnish chocolate too. I am a chocolate queen, my dad always called me that. So the name stuck and it probably will always stick. Stephanie and Dale they both said that they are going to have a very long talk with him when they get up to heaven. He will probably laugh and will say "that's my good chocolate queen". I love going to buy kit kats and Hershey bars the mini ones, I wish I could have peanuts but with my colostomy I can't have them. My favorite kind of chocolate with nuts was the snickers, Mr.Good bars.
Always at the end of the night my pain and spasms get worse and I hate it, it gets so annoying too! But I am thankful that I can take the extra pain medication even though my family doesn't like it. Their not the ones living in the pain and spasm I am, I would rather sleep pain free than to live in pain all night.I am hoping that in my new chair they can have a softer foot plate for my feet. I had these roho things but my spasms broke all them. My heal always hurts too and it gets pretty frustrating being me but God pulls me through it, he has people like Dawn, in my life when the world doesn't understand I can go to her and she'll understand so that part I like. I can't go to my sisters because they don't understand what it's really like to live in all this pain, I kind of like getting a new power chair but then I don't the part that I won't like is getting fitted for it. I have to sit really still for them and it's not easy sitting still for them, 4 years ago I fought Chris and the pt for an hour and I did not want to sit in my power chair. When Chris brought me my wheelchair and Dale was here that day I said to Chris "I don't like you" and he said "you don't have to like me". I am pretty sure that he'll say that to me again this time.

Keep me in prayer

I love Lacy she's so cute, she helped me so much. She got me off my anti depressants and she got me to accept my colostomy when humans couldn't. She always needs to watch my mom and Stephanie get me in bed and out of bed. It's amazing how smart she is, she knows the words cookie, walk, ride, Mary. At nights she always needs a cookie and she gets so happy, I am going to get a cute picture of her and I and then get a really nice card and send it to Mary. When I come home from some where she goes nuts and she makes me feel loved. In the mornings when Stephanie gets me out of bed she needs to watch her then she spreads all her toys and she reminds me of a little kid how they spread their toys.

I've been gluing my quotes and bible verses on cool paper, I write them on neon, pastel, computer, and all different kinds of paper. Then I glue them and it takes me 2 hours to find the right quotes and bible verses. I listen to music and my hands get tired but it's good for my hands. I read my bible when I do my bible verses and if Al (he use to be my stand in dad) would realize it's easier for me to do it that way but he won't but oh well. Dale told me my room is a walk in bible and it is, I have the quotes on my doors, my dressers, walls, closet. It's not easy to do, last night I glued 26 quotes on paper and my hand still hurts. I like doing the quotes and bible verses at nights I start at 5 and I'm always done at 7 it makes my nights go by faster. I like to find different ones that reflect my life and it really helps me because when I think that I can't do anything all I need to look at is my room and I have cut the paper, written all of them. It takes me two hours, but like I said it makes my nights go by faster and it takes my mind off things as well :)

Stephanie came today and she wasn't feeling good so I let her leave early and she dropped me off at barns and noble. My mom and Jorma they were doing something in the kitchen and my mom goes to ask Stephanie "can you bring her home?" it wasn't fair for Stephanie because she's not feeling good and my mom said that the reason why she couldn't come pick me up was because she was going to be busy working in the kitchen. I called my dds worker and I am hoping that she can get me more pca hours since my mom only wants the easy jobs and she won't empty my trash now either. She wants Stephanie to do all of it and it frustrates Stephanie and I, my mom is always concerned about my showers, laundry and when my sheets are changed and when I don't have a pca here she really doesn't offer me anything to eat and it's sad how she's changed. She doesn't want to sit in my room because she says that she'll fall asleep, she doesn't like to take me out either and it gets very stressful living here and I told Stephanie that I can't do it anymore, my mom gives her time to my sisters, Jorma and she's always watching TV.

I hope on my new chair that Chris the wheelchair guy can make a better thing where my feet are, my right one is always hanging and it pulls at my hip. I will be going to church and I hit a bump and my foot fly's off the foot plate and it hurts allot. I want to pick the chair and not have him pick it for me. I want and need an board charger that means I can carry a plug with me in my purse and I wouldn't need to bring the big charger with me every where. I like going to barns and noble and they have different stores and I like to look around but I can't trust my battery, last week when I went on the date with Matt on the way home my chair was about to die and I am so happy that I brought my charger I wouldn't have made it home and it gets annoying always having to carry a big charger with me. I go see a special doctor for that, I am going to ask her to give me botox too, as I've said before that at MHS I over worked my tendons I played all these sports but by doing that I hurt my back and I really wish that I would have listened to them because now I am paying the price for it. But God told me "every action has a reaction". I guess this is his way of teaching me to obey him, my mom bought me a FinnHook from the Finnish fair it's a wood hook and where ever the tendon is inflamed all I do is put the hook where the tendon is in flamed and push against it. It's not a comfortable feeling but it does help. The botox would help it too, even though it's not a comfortable thing to go through but it helps so I guess that's all that counts.

boring day

I really wish that my mom didn't lie to me yesterday how she said "I'm not going out, I am going to be baking all day" and I'm just sick of being rejected by her. It really hurts me allot but she doesn't seem to care and all she cares about is Jorma, and everyone else. When I started to cry Stephanie hugged me. Last night when she was putting me to bed she said "I'm so tired" but then I herd her watching the Finnish news upstairs it makes me feel unwanted and rejected. I didn't want to go to the Finnish fair because then I would Suvi's mother in law and father in law and her sister in law. I also got very hurt by my mom, she's always putting me down and it gets old. I asked my mom if she could put a handle on the door so I could get it shut better and she said "I don't have time to do that right now" so I will use my grab stick. Last night I had my ipod playing and it has all Christian music and my mom was watching her shows and she turned the volume up so that she wouldn't need to hear my music. I really wish that she cared more and Stephanie was reading my dads journals and even she said that when he was alive she was more compassionate but since Jorma came into the picture she's lost her compassion and it's too bad. She use to be so nice and more caring towards me but since my dad died and Jorma came into the picture she kind of ignores me and she has time for everyone else but me
.
I wasn't able to go to church because my mom didn't want to move the rug so I dropped my grabber and I've been stuck inside. My mom doesn't like to charge my chair every night but my chair it is my legs. Dawn, Dave and everyone else who has a power chair they charge their chairs. I am going to call dds tomorrow, I need to move out. My mom has changed she's not patience with me and I wish that she was it's like I can't please her but I don't need to please her all I need to do is please God. I emailed people to find another pca who will take me out, my mom only wants to do the easy things.

When my mom came back from the Finnish fair she was fine with me but Jorma wasn't and he really reminds me of a woman. Because one day he's fine with me then the next day he's not. I laugh how he runs out of the kitchen when he see's me coming and then I yelled for my mom and he was in the living room with his daughter and he shook his head. I wanted to say "I can't do things for myself like you can", I wish that he would show that part to Maiju and everyone else but he doesn't dare to show them the real him and I wish that he would. But he has to much pride to show it and I wish that he would get rid of his pride and show his real side to him. I am going to call dds tomorrow and I am hoping that they can get me out of here soon. I can't live here any more, it's like he has his period and I am so tempted to say "here is a pad for your period". I am hoping that Ann my dds can also get me more pca hours too so that I wouldn't get bored half the time here.

Tomorrow I am going to ask Ann if I could get a job working at Alycia's group home, because I have a pretty good feeling that they do allot for her. Last week when I went to the arc I told them what she can do for herself and they thanked me for telling them. I really want them to hire me back I miss working at the arc or even if Ann could get me working in another day program I just need to do something else and Stephanie said that she would come with me and be in a different section. I liked working there even though I didn't get paid I was still able to make an impact on all their lives so it made me feel good about about myself. When I was at MHS the seniors would go into the elementary part of the school and we would go help them out. I remember this one boy his name was Eric and he loved seeing me, and last year at my dentist appointment I saw him and he got so happy to see me. My last day there was so hard for me to leave there and say good bye to everyone there, when they said "seniors pack your things and have your bags ready before graduation at 6pm". So I l went to go pack there and it was the hardest thing to do that day. I kept thinking "I'm going to see my dad" and when I didn't my life became numb I remember I was looking all over for him. He was a great dad and he taught me how to live and I am so thankful for him even to this day I have 9 pictures of him all over my room and every night I thank God for him he taught me lessons that I will never forget. I really want to make an impact on other disabled people. My friend Sammy she got her high school diploma and Alycia didn't, Sammy is in college while Alycia sits in a day program. I don't know how she does it, in 2004 before my colostomy my mom and Maiju had me try one out for the day and I am so thankful that I don't go to one. I like doing what I do now, I wouldn't mind going to help out in one again that made me feel good about myself and I need that again.

I really need to move out

I am going out today again, after Stephanie leaves I am going to barns and noble again. It gives me something to do, when I'm sitting around here I get bored and Stephanie only wants to work until 2 so I will go to barns and noble and there is a park so I'll go there and take my book, puzzle book, ipod, drinks and live. My mom will be making her coffee bread and Jorma will be working in the kitchen and if I stay here than I will be in the way and my day will be long. But when I go to barns and noble my day goes by fast and I like that, last night I didn't get home until 9:04pm and when I was out I forgot that I was disabled and that was nice. I will also bring my note book to start writing my movie I know my mom wouldn't allow me to bring my laptop so I'll bring my note book and write it. Tomorrow is the Finnish fair I like it but then it makes me sad too because I remember all the times that I was with my dad. There is one spot that I like to go where my dad and I always sat at and I think of him. When I'm out I like to meet new people too, last night I inspired someone I was telling them my story and they told my mom "you have an amazing daughter". I wish that she could see it, but she's to busy looking at my wheelchair. When I get on the lift on my van she always says "is your chair off?" I say "yes" I am disabled but I'm not stupid.

I really like having a life, I can't always stay at home. I have so many doctor's appointments I am glad that my dad taught me how to live even though I am this disabled. I don't always need my mom unlike Jorma he always needs her and he can't go any where without her and the other day she went to get her hair cut and he needed to go with her. I wanted to say "grow up" last December he told me that I would never be able to move out because I always need my mommy but he always needs her. If dds gets me more pca hours than on Saturday's I can go out with them my mom really doesn't like taking me out she only wants the easy things, such as putting me in bed, taking me out, doing my meds. I miss the old her when Jorma wasn't in our lives she was different but the enemy took her away and it's to bad because she was an amazing mom but now she gives her time to everyone else but me and it hurts me allot.

This morning around 11am my mom came and told Stephanie and I that she was going to baking her coffee bread all day so that she couldn't pick me up from barns and noble. So we went out and when we came back she said "I'm going to home depot and other places" and I started to cry and when she came back I ignored her. She was telling me about something about Hailey and Ella and I just ignored her, and now she's watching some Finnish show. I told her that I'm not going to the Finnish fair I'm going to church where they want me around and they like to see me but when it comes to my family they really don't care about me. I am just sick of the way my mom treats me, I was so happy to go out and then she said "you can't go out because I'm baking" but when I come home she's going to the home depot. I wish I was more important to her but I'm not and I wish that I was more important to her but I'm just her disabled daughter. It hurts me allot the way she treats me, on Monday I am going to call Ann from dds and ask her when is the soonest that she can get me out of here. I am not needed here she gives all her time to everyone else but when it comes to me I'm just her option and it makes me not want to be around her. Last Sunday she did the same thing, I came back from church and she said "I need to go to the home depot", I'm just sick of being her only option and I'm sick of being rejected and she puts down that she works but she really doesn't.


I remember when my mom use to care about me, now all she cares about my showers, laundry, and when my sheets get changed. I wish I could tell her how I am feeling but she would get mad so I don't bother with it. She's always with Jorma or the phone, this Monday I am going to call dds and ask them if they found a new home for me. Today when I went to Shaw's this guy started to talk to me and he's a born again Christian and he is young and he invited me to this free concert tomorrow at 6pm I couldn't find it Leominster so if it's in Fitchburg than I will put on a sweatshirt and then go down there. I need to start living and I know my mom didn't like how I went on the date the other day because she wanted Stephanie to do my shower and when it wasn't done when she wanted it done she got upset. I need to move out, it's getting to stressful for me to live here. I feel bad for Stephanie how she needs to do everything and I am hoping that dds can get me more pca hours, so that she doesn't need to do everything. I need the company and I know my mom doesn't understand that but I need the company too she gets it from Jorma, and the phone and every one needs company and I've asked her "why don't you sit in my room" and she always says "I don't want to fall asleep in on your bed". I am sick of being rejected and unwanted by her too, if she was in my position I would be spending time with her. But she's got all the people in her life that she wants and needs and it hurts me allot. I was so excited to go to barns and noble tonight and when she said "I'll be baking" but when I came home with Stephanie she went out and when she came back I ignored her. On Saturday nights she watches the Finnish news and that's what she is doing right now with Jorma and I am done living here!

I went to barns and noble tonight

I like how I am living again I don't feel disabled and I am out, and hopefully dds can get me more pca hours and a job. I need to start living I am 28 years old and I need to live. I can't always live in hospitals and go to these appointments all the time I need a life too, everyone else has a life. I know my mom probably doesn't like the fact that I am going to  the rabbit hole tonight but there is nothing to do here. She goes upstairs watches the Finnish news with Jorma and I am always down here alone. So I need to start living and if dds can get me a job at a group home or a day program so that I can earn some extra cash that would be good too :). I can't believe it's end of summer, time to put away the summer clothes and get the winter ones out. I love getting into a nice hoddie sweat shirt at nights and watch a good movie. Now that I can watch a movie on my computer that's what I can do, I will turn off all my lights and shut the door and watch a movie. Last summer my mom did buy me a TV but she won't give me the extra channels she has them out in the living room and they have it upstairs I wouldn't mind having my TV if I could have the extra channels. But I can watch the show's on my computer it's the same thing so I am fine with that too :)

I am excited about tonight, another date. It's funny how God works, Matt wasn't even supposed to go to Market Basket last Thursday and I wasn't supposed to go until 12. When I texted Stephanie and said "I just saw Matt" she couldn't believe it. I almost jumped out of my chair when I saw him too, I am excited to go to Boston. Stephanie said that we're going to have to go on double dates and go have fun and live :). I couldn't be any happier than I am right now. When I am around him I forget that I am disabled and I need that too :), I still can't believe that I am going on another date. I will bring my camera and I will have someone take a picture of Matt and I, and I will send it to CVS, this weekend is going to fly by. Tomorrow I am going to barns and noble and Sunday is the Finnish fair, I love the Finnish fair they have so good chocolate and Finnish chocolate is so much better than American chocolate it's more rich. I told Stephanie that she needs to try it, my two nieces are going to make duck tape bracelets and I am going to be selling my quote books and bracelets that I've made in the past. My mom makes Finnish coffee bread and every one loves it there. I will take picture's of that too :) I will have allot of pictures. Stephanie is going to get me all dressed up for my date and going to do my hair and make up. I am happy that I do get to live and not be stuck here all the time that gets boring. God gave me a life I've been wanting a boyfriend and a life so he gave me both and I am very happy that he gave me both, I won't be focused on my disabilities, pain, and every thing else that I go through in my life :)

I wasn't able to make it to the rabbit hole because Matt had to baby sit, so I went to barns and noble. I had a very long but good day :). Tomorrow after Stephanie leaves I will have her bring me to barns and noble again I like to look around and there is a park that I can go too and it's close to barns and noble. So I will bring drinks, my puzzle book, my ipod, and my book. I like when I have busy nights it makes it go by quicker. When I am just sitting at home I am more focused on what I can't do so I need to do things that I can do. It makes me feel good about myself and I forget that I am disabled too so that's another thing that I like too :). I am hoping that Ann my dds worker can get more pca hours and out of here too. I need to move out there is nothing to do here, my mom has her life and I need to start living so I need to move out. I know that she won't like the more pca hours but she doesn't do anything with me so I need the company too. I am praying that they could get more people in here at nights so when I do my quotes and bible verses I'll have something to do other than just sitting here alone. I like going to barns and noble it gives me something better to do than always sitting here all the time :). When I'm there all of my disabilities leave. I inspired someone tonight I was telling him that I am a born again Christian and how I lost my dad when I was 16 and how doctor's only gave him two years and he said "not in God's book" and he lived 8 and half years with it. But through his cancer he taught me how to live and how to trust God more than doctors :)

I am so thankful that the doctor put me on a strong pain medication at nights, I need it. As I've said before at MHS I over worked my back muscles and now I am paying the price for it. I wish I had listened but oh well I learned my lesson, on October 3rd I have a doctor's appointment to see the botox doctor. I am going to request it again as much as it hurts I need it. My back is so tight and it's always hurting and the only thing that works is the botox and strong pain medication. I also use to get trigger point shots so I am going to ask her if that would help my back too. I know that I will need a new wheelchair and I am going to request a on board charger that means all I need to do is carry a cord in my purse and have one in my room. I am so active that I need one, I go to barns and noble and hopefully I will get more pca hours and I am hoping that Ann my dds worker will find me a job at a group home or a day program and I'm going to ask her if I could get paid, I really want the iPhone. I can have my ims forwarded to my phone and I can check my face book and my email too so that will be good too. I want to be do something else than always sitting at home. I like to relax at home but Stephanie likes to be active so I will need to find a job that she can also come with me. I forget to drink and with my catheter I always need to be drinking, when I get into a good book that's when I forget to drink and that's when I get the uti's so I need to be drinking. My life isn't easy but I make it by with God's help and that's why if that movie gets made than I will inspire allot of people and I will bring Dale to it, in 2007 when my mom and Jorma went to Florida Dale left me with her friends daughter and we put "just married" on the back of her van and put toilet paper all over it too. When Dale see's me she doesn't tell me to behave because she knows that I don't know how to behave but I have clean fun :)

I am going on another date tomorrow :)

I am so happy right now, that I am going on all these dates with Matt. He wants to take me to Boston and watch movies and order pizza too. Yesterday when I came home from his house I had the biggest smile even as I'm typing this I have a huge smile. I guess we were meant to be together and I can text him at any time and he knows my past but we are going to forget about our past and move onto our future. We have so much in common, and what I thought was amazing was that he wasn't even going to Market Basket last Thursday and I wasn't supposed to go until 12. When I left his house he said "text me when you get home sweetie" so when I got home I did text him. My mom asked me when she was putting me in bed "how was your day?" I gave her a huge smile and said "it was good". When I was going back to my house I was saying "God I usually miss my dad but today I don't". One time when he's here I am going to have him read the bible to us and we can pick a verse off my wall and he can find it in the bible. He knew the Matt 7:7 verse and I just realized that his name was in that verse. It's amazing how God works all last week I've been wanting a boyfriend who lives close to me and a nice one, and Matt lives two minutes away from me. Tomorrow when we go on our date, I will have someone get a picture of us and I'll put it on here. I'll also take it to when I go to botox so that my mind will be focused on him and not the shots.

My mom keeps asking me about my new chair and I don't want to tell her that I've been putting it off because I know that it would upset her. I kind of don't want a new chair because it will be a pain to make it. In 2006 when Chris was making it, I told him "I don't like you" and he said "you don't need to like me". I remember that day going to make it I was so upset and I kept moving on  them for an hour, my mom of course left and I was alone. This time Stephanie is going to stay with me, another reason why I don't want another power chair is because I know that I'm getting weaker. I know my mom is going to have Stephanie call Chris and then they'll set it up and I will need to go there. I was telling Matt that I wish I had a rewind button and he said "we all wish we had one".

This afternoon I called my dds worker because I need another pca and more hours, Stephanie does all my showers and my laundry, changes my sheets and empties my trash. I know my mom won't like it but oh well because she only wants to do the easy things such as putting me in bed, taking me out of bed, doing my medications. On weekends she spends time with Jorma or talking on skype to Finland and I get stuck here. Tonight I said "tomorrow I am going to the rabbit hole" she said "tomorrow?" I need to live too I can't always be here and when I went on my date yesterday and Stephanie didn't do my shower right away she got mad. If she wants them done so much than she should do them but she's busy with Jorma, watching her nightly shows. I am hoping that Ann my dds worker can get more hours so that I can get more people so that Stephanie doesn't need to do every shower and do every thing it's not fair to her. My mom doesn't like to take me shopping personally I think it's Jorma who tells her "ignore her she doesn't need to come with us" he wants my mom all to himself but when it comes to my sisters he doesn't mind sharing her with them. But because I am different in their eyes they treat me different, I'm not different I'm just disabled but not in my head only in my legs. My mom was different when my dad was alive she was more compassionate and now all she really care's about is when my showers are done, my laundry, when my sheets have been changed. It hurts me how she would rather spend time with my sisters and Jorma and talking to Finland.

Tomorrow I am going to have Stephanie change my room around, I spend so much time in my room that once and while I need a change it would be different if my mom interacted with me but she won't. Tomorrow when Ann calls back, I am going to ask her if she found out how long the waiting list for shared living is. I need to start living and I know my mom didn't like how I went to the rabbit hole yesterday or tomorrow but I really like Matt and Dawn and Stephanie said "if he's asking you on all these dates than he likes you more than a friend" and I am so happy. Tomorrow night I will get a picture of us at the rabbit hole and I am happy that I am living and not always staying home, I'm still human and I still need to live as well. If my mom doesn't like that oh well, she lives so do my sisters. I like hanging out with Matt yesterday when I hung out with him I had fun and I forgot I was disabled so that was good :). I know my dad watches us and probably has a huge smile to his face and yesterday when I went on the date he probably said to him "want to watch something?" here "you can watch your daughter go on a date :)". I'm excited to go on another date tomorrow and it makes me feel human and I forget that I am disabled as well and I like that. Stephanie, her boyfriend Chad, Matt and I are going to Boston next month and I will have so much fun. This morning my mom said to Stephanie "Minna's happy" and Stephanie said "I know she is" I said "if I could jump I would". Last night when I went to sleep I said "thank you God for playing match maker" and he said "well in your blogs you've been asking me for a boyfriend who lives close and I am only giving you what you asked for". Matt remembers when I go into a spasm to keep me calm and to remind me to breath and , I was telling him that I need to get botox it hurts and I will get a picture with him and take it to botox and keep focused on the picture and Stephanie will talk more about him. It's not easy getting so many needles it hurts after so many needs but I will ask the doctor for some relaxant so that I won't remember the whole treatment.

I went on a date today

Last night when my mom was putting me in bed I kept asking her "does Lacy need to go out?" and she kept saying "no she's fine" well she did need to go out and my mom got mad at Lacy but she did nothing wrong. I felt bad for Lacy, she did nothing to my mom and that's how my mom treats her and that's not good. I don't know what is my moms attitude lately is, she's not happy with Lacy or I. She wants me off the strong pain med, she wants me on anti depressants and she doesn't want to do my laundry or take out my trash. But she won't let me hire anyone else. She also gets bent out of shape when my showers aren't done or my sheets aren't changed and I want to say "if you're so concerned with those issues why don't you do them?"  Stephanie left at 10 because she had a dentist appointment and I was going to meet Matt at the Rabbit Hole and my mom said "her last shower was on Friday" so after Stephanie and I went back in my room and Stephanie got upset. I really need to get more pca hours so that Stephanie isn't stuck doing every thing. My mom won't do my laundry, give me a shower or hang out with me. Stephanie came back at 5 and gave me my shower and I liked having company usually I am bored at nights and doing my quotes and bible verses I don't mind that but it would be nice if my mom would come spend time with me but she's so busy with her life.

It looks like I'm getting botox again, my back and legs are so tight and so is my left arm. My back is so tight and it is always hurting me and yesterday morning my back was so hot and I was in so much pain too. My back got so tight because I over worked the muscles at MHS they told me to stop playing the sports because I would over work the muscles and I didn't listen to them and I really wish I had because now I'm in more pain. I know that the botox will help me as much as it hurts me. If I'm dating Matt I will take a picture of him and I'll have Stephanie come in the room with me and talk about him and distract me from the needles. I get 4 in my back, 2 in my arm, 3 in each leg and it's so hard not to scream but I know if I am dating Matt than Stephanie will distract me by talking about him and I'll forget about the needles. But I really need it, my body is spasming way to much and it's getting to be to much on me and I don't need to deal with that I've got enough to deal with so hopefully the botox will help me!

I went on the date with Matt and we went to the rabbit hole and I had allot of fun catching up with him, we went to get pizza and he paid for my lunch too. I miss him and I am glad that I am re connecting with him. We talked about life and I forgot that I was disabled and it was a nice change and I like hanging out with him when I wasn't at home I forgot that I was disabled, I left here at 11:30 and I was at the rabbit hole. We talked there for awhile when we went to the pizza place I told him I have a halo and he told me to keep wishing that I had one. I was smiling the whole time that I was with him and Stephanie had a dentist appointment so she went to that then she had a hair appointment and she went to those two appointments. When Matt and I were going back to his place he said "on Friday there is a free concert at the rabbit hole". I think that he was to shy to ask me to go on a date, but he kept asking me to go to these different place with him and I will be happy. He gave me a bracelet too and he gave me a hug and we were trying to take a picture together but it wasn't coming out so on Friday if I go I will get a picture. I am excited that I am starting to date again and last Thursday he wasn't even going to Market Basket but he needed to get some food and I wasn't going to go until 12 but I went at the right time and I am glad that I did. 

When I was with Matt this afternoon I forgot that I was disabled and I need that. When I was dating Chris when ever I would go over his house I would also forget that I was disabled and I like that. He remembers when FHS didn't want to give me my high school diploma and they treated me differently. They told me that I faked all my spasms and everything rude. I am hoping that tomorrow the Lipton center will call and I can meet with Ellen and Ann and I want to ask Ann if she can get me a job either working at a group home or a day program either one is fine. I want to earn some extra cash so that I can get the iPhone and since my mom won't add me onto her plan she said it's because I got off her plan in 2010. I really liked hanging out with Matt, I forgot that I was disabled and he aid that he wants to do a movie and pizza night with me and he wants to take me to Boston and do all these fun things with me and I will love it,  He also has 6 nieces and nephews too just like I do. I would have had 7 but Simone died of an infection in 2000 and she was born in 91, Siira has pictures on facebook. I miss Siira in January she went to visit Florida and all her friends wanted her back there so she left here on 2/14/11 and that was hard on my mom and I. I am excited that I can start hanging out with Matt again we missed each other so we really need each other back in our lives. When I was driving down to the rabbit hole I was smiling and when I saw him that's when a huge smile came and I couldn't stop smiling.