It really helps me when I go out on my own, I forget about my disabilities and my problems. They disappear right when I go off on my own and it's a nice feeling, other wise when I'm here I am always thinking about my problems but when I am out and about they leave. It's a nice feeling too, I go through allot during my day between the spasms, pain, and being disabled. I like meeting new people like I did yesterday I was telling her how I was a Lutheran but their services were boring and they had no life to them and no one joked around with me and the music was slow. But at the born again churches you can't fall asleep, they are upbeat and there is plenty of life there. Every night I pray for my mom that her and Jorma would stop living in sin, as I said before before he came into the picture she was more caring and now she's different and it makes me sad. When I go out I forget about them two and my sisters it's just God and I. I never need to worry about people opening the doors because God always sets it up so that someone is always there to open the doors for me and I think that part is very cool how I never need to worry because God takes care of me. Even when I go out on my own God always takes care of me and I know I'll be fine and when I go out on my own all my problems go away and I need that I go through allot during my days and my life isn't easy.
I went to the grocery store today, I needed to get out of this house. I let Stephanie leave at 12 because I needed some time to think about my life and what way it's going. I like going out on my own it gets me away from this stressful house that I live in. It gets boring here sitting here all the time, and on Saturday's I don't like to do the quotes and bible verses because I know my mom won't hang them up. Stephanie told me that I can go to work and she would come with me, I need and want to go to work and live like everyone else. I want the iPhone and I will need to get enough of money to pay the bill and get the phone and my mom won't add me to her at&t bill and I really wish that she would, she told me the reason why is because I got off her plan in 2010 and she doesn't want me to switch plans again. But I wanted and needed to get my own cell phone bill and I can't always depend on her. I am 28 years old and I needed to pay my own bill, but I am thankful that she does go pay it. I know that when I move out then she'll probably stop paying the bill but hopefully I will have a job by then. When I went out I felt good about myself, I can manage my own money and things like that. I get these ocean spray little drink packets so that I can fill my own drinks and not always have to depend on my mom or Stephanie to fill them. I still drink the vitamin waters but only if I am not at home or at barns and noble it's easier to have the vitamin waters when I am at barns and noble. I usually stay there until 8, last night I texted my mom and asked her to come get me at 8:30 to make my night shorter but she came at 8 but my night was short. When I read and do my puzzle books and I do my bible verses and quotes my nights go by faster. My wheelchair is charging right now but at 8 I will read. In my book I only have 60 more pages and I started that book last Tuesday but that's how fast I can read.
I finished the book unlocked and it was so good, it only took me 3 days to read it. I started on Tuesday then took a break last night because I was at barns and noble. It's amazing how much I can read and write, I look back on my old entries and it's amazing how much I can write. But blogging really helps me and I have a blogger but that one I need to keep from my sisters. A year ago, I was writing in one and some one went to go tell my mom and I remember I was coming back from Ellen's and Miia and Maiju were texting me and they were so rude. When I got home my mom was rude, the next day it was a Saturday and my mom was getting me out of bed and she said "I thought God didn't make any mistakes and I thought that he was a perfect God I thought wrong he makes mistakes". When she called me a mistake that hurt me allot and it made me want to be different. But only Dawn, Jenny, and people from church have my blogger address. When I go out with Stephanie I always close fire fox and I open Google. The book was so good, I don't want to give to much of it away because Dawn reads my blogger and I was telling her to read the book and she's going too. Dawn and I love to read, I miss her. I want to ask her if she would like to sleep over some time next month, I was going to sleep over there for a weekend but the Finnish fair is and I don't think my mom would let me go sleep over there because she wants me to take the train. I want to take Lacy and Stephanie would come and we would have fun, I still think that I should sleep over there and ignore my mom. I need to have fun too and right now it's 9:12 and my mom spent the whole day with Jorma but when it comes to me she really doesn't spend time with me and it makes me sad and it makes me feel really unwanted.
In October I am going to see the doctor who can give me botox I need it badly in my back and legs, they are always spasming and causing me allot of pain. It probably doesn't help that I have 3 disabilities either, I get to spastic and I'm in more pain towards the end of the night that I always need to take a strong pain medication to help me fall asleep. I don't like taking it but when I wasn't on it I was only sleeping 4 hours, I am also hoping that Kristin can get me the hospital bed. Kristin even said that it would be better for me than my bed now, it would help my mom out. I'm hoping that Chris the wheelchair guy can change my joy stick to the other side the side it's on now my hip always digs into it and it's plastic going into my hip. On my new chair I am going to ask him to please put a on board charger so when I go out I can take the plug with me, the one I have now is big and always to have to carry it with me that's a pain. When I went grocery shopping, my mom and Jorma needed to pick me up because my wheelchair would have died on me. I want a plug and hopefully I will be out of this house by end of this year and then if I'm near a library I can go there myself. I am hoping to move out of Fitchburg the library is only open on Tuesday's, Wednesday's, Thursday's and Saturday's but that's better than 3 days. I am so happy that church is tomorrow, I missed it last week because of the hurricane and I am going to take some of my quote books and try and sell them there so that on Tuesday I can get more paper and new markers. I am also going to be selling them at the Finnish fair and I am going to put why I do them. Next week, my nieces Hailey and Ella and I are going to make these duck tape pens and things. Hailey and Ella are different when Suvi's not here but when Suvi is here they would rather talk to her but when she's not here they come talk with me. The Finnish fair they sell Finnish chocolate and I love it. I told Stephanie that she needs to come to it, my mom makes Finnish coffee bread and she makes allot of money that day. She has her own table and I am sure that my nieces and I will share the same table with her. I'm also going to make more beaded necklaces so that I can buy more things for my room, I still have a bunch of them made but I am going to make more of them too :)
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