I am excited to go to church, I wasn't able to go last week because of the hurricane and I like going there it gets me out of the house and I get to see my friends too. I am going to ask them if anyone knows of any single guys? I really want a nice Christian guy who would take me out of the house or do something with me, half the time I am bored here and I want to find a good Christian guy. I want him to be funny and caring, when I see my sisters and their husbands and I see Jorma and my mom it makes me sad that I'm single. I want a guy who will take me to church and do something with me after church. I need to start living, I can't always be single it makes me uncomfortable. At Suvi's wedding last October when she came in with Brad it made me sad. But if the right guy is at horizon I would be so excited, I need to start living. This week I'm going to look for a job and Stephanie will come with me, I need something different I need to do something different also. I get bored here at nights, like I've said before my mom talks on the phone, or with Jorma or watching her TV shows. I am hoping that this Friday I can meet with my dds worker and I am hoping that Ellen can also meet with me, I need to move out of here. This morning I was in the kitchen and Jorma had to get by and he won't come in the kitchen if I'm in there and if I ask him "do you need to get by?" he always says "no" but when I leave the kitchen he goes in there. I am sick of his childish games he needs to grow up and act his age and not his shoe size, there is always so much tension here too and that's another reason why I need to move out. If I got a boyfriend he could take me out and get me out of this house that has allot of tension to it, my mom wants to bring me to church because the streets are bad but I can go on the side walk. I don't want her to bring me because Jorma will need to come too, I need to go on my own and listen to my music. I don't like to depend on her and if I can get there than I can and I don't always need her and I don't always want to have to depend on her, I need to do things for myself and I know she'll bring me and I don't want to fight her.
Yesterday as I was going to Market Basket the grocery store close to me, I saw Ted he is the one who had the Christian coffee house. I was telling him how horizon is going to be giving me tickets because of my bad driving skills and he said "good for them". All the people at the born again churches are always joking around with me and I like it, the Lutheran churches they are so serious and they don't joke around. My mom was putting my medication on my computer desk and she said "I'm not going to read your writings" I lost trust in her because of last September how my sisters and my mom they read my blog. Maiju emailed me and said "we'll find you a place near Dawn or Chris" but they never did. I remember when I became a born again Christian Maiju didn't like it, because I left the building and not the faith. When Dale left her church her brother didn't like it either he told her that she's going to hell for leaving that church. I wish that Siira wanted to stay up here she was doing so good, then she went to visit Florida and all her friends wanted her back down there and now she drinks and hates her job. It's sad to see my family fall apart, my mom and Jorma live together and Miia and Jeff have moved and Maiju has her life as well as Suvi and Brad. When I'm going down places myself I pray for my family the enemy stole from me when he took my dad and it's to bad that he did, my dad held the family together. It makes me sad, my family they don't like how I blog they want me to keep all my emotions inside of me, but that's not good. I need to let them out and by blogging it helps me. So many people have said it and they tell me not to quit and I won't. On Sunday's my friends ask me if I'm doing okay and if I am to quiet then they ask me what is wrong. People there are amazed by my faith in God and all the things that I go through the main pastor at horizon once told me that I'm pretty amazing the pain and spasms that I have but I still go to church and it helps me. I really want to drive down there myself, I don't want my mom to drive me down there because than Jorma will need to come. In December when they had the boiler room prayer and someone asked him if he wanted to come in and he said "church isn't for me" and he goes anyway. I don't get that part, why go to church if you don't like it? in my fridge there are so many beer cans in there and it makes me sad because my dad didn't drink and Jorma, Brad and Jeff do. I haven't drank in 3 years and my mom said that I only drank a little but Dawn has the pictures and we use to drink allot. Now neither one of us won't, I will go on her face book and save the picture's and post them onto here.
I didn't make it to church because of my stomach but Maiju my sister had to go to the hospital so I watched Hailey and Ella. We took Lacy for a walk and they watched tv and they are always good for me. Hailey is in the 4th grade and Ella is entering kindergarten on Wednesday and she was telling me that she's so excited to start and meet new friends. My day went by quickly, I did my quotes and bible verses, then I went to check my mail around 7:30 and I emailed this director who would do a movie about my life and he said yes. So when I get in bed I need to email him back and I am so excited too. When my dad's friends see my movie they'll say "we remember her, she was the chocolate queen". Every time that I buy chocolate God must go tell my dad "there goes your chocolate queen again, she still loves her chocolate and her pca's aren't really happy with you because you named her your chocolate queen" and he probably laughs and has a smile to his face. Stephanie and Dale they both said that they are going to have a very long talk with him when they get up there! I am thankful for my dad every night without him and God I don't know where I would be probably swearing and not listening to all these worship music and all this good music that I listen too. I will have to pick him and tell the girl what is the hardest part. I remember on December 22,1999 I was in his hospital room and that's when I told him that he could go home the lessons that he taught me I will never forget. It's sad how Maiju put him down and was telling Stephanie that Jorma's better for my mom than my dad was. Even Dale was surprised how Maiju was putting down her own dad and she shouldn't have done that. Maiju or Suvi they didn't donate any money when I did the relay for life this past June and Ella's pr-school graduation was the same day as relay for life so Suvi went to that instead.
I hate when my leg is spasming, I have to take these medications for the pain and spasms and I wish I had a rewind button to when my body wasn't this bad. The pain is the worst, especially at nights. That's what I need a good boyfriend who could help me at nights, Chris would always call me. When I go into the spasms I need to be reminded to stay calm, I'll get so tight that I forget to breath and when no one is here except for my mom the spasms last longer and they get really annoying too. I am going to ask for the botox treatments as much as they hurt they do help me and if Kristin can convince my mom about getting me the hospital bed too that would be good also. I need that hospital bed it would make my mom, Stephanie and I lives so much easier but if my mom doesn't want it than that's her fault. When I transfer into bed I only have a sheet to grab on too and if I get the hospital bed than I can grab onto the hand railings and it wouldn't hurt my moms back but she keeps wanting to hurt her back that's her fault. I need a better bed and when I want my room changed around it would be on wheels and it that would be easier. I also wish that my mom would use the hoyer lift but she won't use that either.
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