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I need prayer

I am hoping it will work out that Dawn can sleep over tomorrow night, I was telling my mom that she might sleep over and my mom said "you two better not bang up the new kitchen with your wheelchairs". I need to live too, I can't always be stuck here alone every night and I know my mom would like me to sit in my room every night alone but I can't do the same thing every night alone. Dawn also doesn't like to sleep over when Jorma's here because when he's here he walks around in his boxers and he really doesn't care and that's too bad. It creeps Dawn out when Jorma walks around in his boxers he has no respect for her either and I am sure she'll be happy that he won't be here my mom walks around in her short night gown and it creeps us out. Next week when Jorma comes back I will need to shut the door a little because I don't want to see him half naked and Dawn is legally blind so she can't see that much so she's lucky but she knows that he walks around in his boxers with no shirt on. I am excited to hang out & my town will need allot of prayer. At least we're not as bad as we use to be, we've grown up Dawn has a guide dog and his name is Marius and we go to church together. We have so much fun together and we are better now and we use to drink and everything but we're done with all that. Drinking and swearing isn't our thing anymore it doesn't get you anywhere I remember when I was 21 I went to get drunk with my old pca Jenny and the next day I thought "what the heck did I do?". I wish my mom would see how much I've grown but she doesn't believe me how much I've drank she doesn't want to get to know the real me she only knows the disabled part of me.

This morning when Steph was getting me out of bed she was telling me that I have bruises all over my arms from transferring, my mom doesn't want to use the hoyer and it hurts when I transfer. It takes allot of me and when my mom complains about the showers she doesn't realize how much it takes out of me. I know why she's giving me all this attitude she misses Jorma and when he's not here she's lost with out him and they need each other every second. I need my own space and I couldn't always be with someone all the time I don't know how them two do it but oh well it's their lives if they want to live in sin and sleep in the same bed and do all these things then it's up to them. One more week until Jorma comes back and then it will go back to being the same thing and I will feel so uncomfortable being here with him but I am hoping that I can move out and leave them two behind. I really need to move out and move on, at nights my mom watches her shows and doesn't interact with me and when I have a seizure or spasm she doesn't come in and check on me she's so busy with her life. I don't like the spasms or seizure's they both take allot of me. If I drop something she doesn't like to pick it up and she would rather talk on the phone and do her own thing. I have these side supports on my back rest to keep me sitting up straight and they don't swing away and when I am getting in and out of bed I hurt myself and it takes allot out of me. When Jorma comes back here next Friday my mom will want to hurry up and put me in bed because they haven't seen each other in a month they'll do something in bed. When I transfer into bed and out and into the shower it hurts my back and when I move out I am going to use to the hoyer lift and no more slide board transfers. I can always feel my shoulder twist, I try to make it easier on my mom but she doesn't want to take the chances of having it easy she only wants it the hard way, but oh well it's her life.

 Tomorrow is going to rain and thunder so Dawn can't come until Saturday but I will be fine, I wish my mom would interact with me more. Once I was going to watch tv with her and she said "what do you need?" all I wanted to spend time with her so I don't bother going out there anymore because I know she really doesn't want me out there any way so I just stay in my room and that's not fun but she's busy with her life. Next Friday I have to get my baclofen pump filled and Steph can't make it because she has a wedding to go to and I know my mom won't bring me so I will need to take a bus and I am hoping that this time I don't get hurt, the last time that I took one in April we were coming back from umass and the driver didn't buckle the back of me and he slammed on the breaks and I am so thankful that there was a front seat in front of me because if the seat wasn't there I would have gotten hurt badly. Next week Jorma comes back and then it will be uncomfortable around here again and I'm not sure that I am ready for him. I wish my sisters would listen to me when I say he's not that nice as he puts himself out there to be but they wouldn't believe me and they never will even if I told them so many times. I hate when it rains because my spasms and the pain gets worse and it gets frustrating being me and I wish that I could go to my mom and talk to her about what is bugging me but she tells me that I'm complain but I'm not I'm just telling her what I am feeling but she doesn't want to listen to me she will only listen to my sisters. I'm frustrated with my seizure's, pain and spasms all 3 of those get very stressful especially the seizure's because I never know when they are going to happen and when they do happen I get a really bad taste in my mouth and it's a odd feeling too when they happen and I hate when they happen and my mom doesn't think I have any but she doesn't spend anytime with me she's so busy with her life. I wish that I was more important to her and I know that she loves me but I wish that she would interact with me a little more.

I want to work at the cancer center and a day program, it will keep me busy. I really would like to work at the cancer center to help others and especially if someone says "I can't handle this colostomy" I can go over to them and say "I'm 28 and I've been dealing with it since 2004 and it saved my life and yes it is hard to accept but if you get an animal first then it will be better". I also want to go work at the arc the other day when I went to visit them they all yelled "Minna's back" it made me feel wanted and needed. When I'm here the only thing that needs me is Lacy but my mom is so busy watching her shows and I know when Jorma comes back then on Saturday nights they watch the Finnish news. This Sunday I am hoping that the pastor had found me a new pca, to take me to church. I know when winter comes my mom and Jorma really won't want too. I know my mom doesn't mind but it's more Jorma who does mind, he doesn't like going to church. Since he's been gone my mom's gone to church twice and I am guessing that she'll go this Sunday. Jorma doesn't believe in God either does Brad and the bible even says "Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? 2 Corinthians 6:14". Last Christmas Brad didn't want to go to church because he knee hurt and I said "I'm in more pain than you are and I go to church and that shouldn't stop you" but it's my mom and Suvi's lives if they want to live that way they can. Dave he is a Christian and he wants better for his life and I can help him because he helped me when my dad died so I will do the same for him. Tomorrow I will call Ann my dds worker and ask her if she was able to talk to the people from the arc so that I can have my job back.

My dad would be proud of me

My dad would be proud of me, all the things that I do myself. I go grocery shopping, I go to the library, I still live even though I am disabled and I don't let my disabilities stop me. When I go do all those things myself God probably tells him "your daughter is a pretty amazing girl" even at Horizon the pastor has come up to me and said "you're a pretty impressive young lady because you come here even when you're in pain and spasm and you live". I say "my dad taught me how to live and he did every thing even though he was very sick" and they all say "you had a very good teacher and he would be very proud of you" so many people say that he would be proud of me. His cancer taught me that I can't still live even though I am this disabled and to keep living and enjoying life. I do enjoy life, I go out and I want to help other disabled people so that they can depend on themselves instead of their parents or group home pca's. When I go to the grocery store with my mom or Steph they don't get me things they make me get it for myself because they know that I can do it. The world needs to stop looking at our wheelchairs and look past them because we are more than disabled, yes people have disabilities in their minds but not every disabled person does. Dawn, Jenny, Dave and I our disabilities are in our lower part of us and we are still smart. Last night I read 50 pages and I'll be done the book tonight or tomorrow, when I went into the life skills program none of my friends liked that they hated how I was put in there. But maybe it was to show me that I need to stick up for disabled people so that they get treated the right way and not always looked down on.

When I go places myself I like it, I forget that I am disabled and that's why I'm hoping that Ann my dds worker can get my job back at the arc so I can help disabled people. I really miss it there and when I was helping them I forgot that I was disabled and that was an awesome thing and I miss it.  When the clients see me at the library or some where they always say "we miss you, can you please come back?" and even the workers they even say that they miss me. I felt good about helping them out and I know that I made a impact on them and I miss it there when I am all dressed I am going to ask Ann if she got my job back if she didn't get it at the arc then maybe some where else there are other day programs in Fitchburg and I really miss working there and I want to go back there and it helps me I really need that. Ann said that she would put me with money skills and reading skills because I am good with money and reading skills. When I go out Steph and my mom always make sure that I have a $5, $10 $20.

More and more seizure's are happening and it's scary because when I go places myself I can have one but thankfully I have God who protects me. I can't let the seizure's stop me from doing what I do best by going out, that wouldn't be good either. I don't let allot of things stop me and that's one of the greatest lessons that my dad taught me was not to let my disabilities stop me, I know that I have God with me whrre ever I go so I know that nothing would happen to me. Other disabled people they need the same confidence as I do I'm not scared to do anything in the past I've taken the train to Dawn's, I go every where and I'm not scared. That was the greatest lessons that I was taught if it wasn't for my dad I wouldn't be this out going and I would probably depend on my mom and everyone else for my life but I don't and I never will. I like being independent it makes me feel good about myself and I know when Jorma comes back I can stay out later on Friday nights that's one good thing about him, since my mom doesn't have the confidence in herself to drive at night she only wants me out until 6. But if I wasn't disabled I wouldn't be in the house on Friday nights. When I go into a seizure every thing goes numb and I get dizzy too and I get a bad taste in my mouth too but thankfully they only last for 5-10 seconds

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I wish my body wasn't this spastic it hurts more at nights and the pain is worse too and it gets pretty frustrating being me, but my dad taught me well. He taught me to trust God more than these doctor's the doctor's can only do so much but God can do so much more and it's true. Look at all the blessings that he's given me, Lacy, Dawn, Dave and friends that I have that I can go too that's amazing. I can't go to my sisters and explain to them what it's like to be disabled because they wouldn't understand what it's like be this disabled like I am. I can go to Dawn and she is my older sister I can go to her any time and if every thing works out then on Friday she'll sleep over until Sunday and my town will need allot of prayer but we're better now, we don't swear or listen to all this bad music. When Dale first was working with me in 2006 I had half naked men on my walls and I swore and listened to all this bad music and when she left I had postive quotes and bible verses and I didn't swear. The last night of shake a leg I got drunk and I still don't remember that night and when Dawn shows me picture's I don't remember the last night.  I'll always be my dad's chocolate queen and probably always will be and he probably laughs every time God says "Mikko there goes your chocolate queen again" and he probably laughs and says "good for her". Steph and Dale and who ever comes in my past will probably have a long talk with him. My back is so sore right now because of the rain tomorrow, then Friday night it's going to rain and thunder when Dale worked for me she said they didn't need a weather man they had my body to tell them when my body was going to spasm

The things that I deal with

I can't wait to go back to school, I need to stick up for disabled people. Sammy & Alycia they don't have their high school diploma's and when I was talking to Sammy's mom she ignored me. My friends got my diploma FHS didn't want to give it to me but my friends got it for me and I am so glad they did. The classes they start at Monty Tech end of February so I will go there and I'll take my old laptop and I know my family won't believe in me, they want me in a day program and taking anti depressants. They don't like me on the stronger pain pill when I talk to my mom about it she ignores me. I would rather be painless than to up at night last night when I was in spasm my mom ignored me and she is so busy with her life and I wish that she wouldn't. But Steph and I are going to look into getting a handicap condo and move out of our houses and I want to leave the past behind me and she does too. I want to move on and really start living and having a boyfriend and I know that I probably will have a boyfriend. But there is no need for me here, when my body goes into a spasm my mom just sits out and watches tv and doesn't bother to help me. On Sunday when I asked her to put the tape on the quotes and bible verses she puts the tape on my computer desk and Steph said that she could have done it when she watching her shows. Steph and I were also talking how my mom only does these easy things and I wish that she would believe in me but she doesn't because in the past I've had to leave collage for medical reasons but I am hoping in February when I start up my classes at Monty Tech I won't have all these medical problems. Between my spasms, pain and every thing else but I am praying that those won't be so bad and that I can take a night class and help disabled people.

If more people trusted and believing in God they would have a better life, such as I asked God for a boyfriend and he's giving Dave back. Dave remembers when I went back to MHS and I was looking for my dad and he said "baby, he's in heaven and he's not coming". Dave helped me allot and I'm so happy that he is wanting to visit with me. Chris didn't want me and he just wanted sex from me, he said that sex before marriage isn't a sin. I said "yes it is" and he said "no and were done". In April he told me that I was to much into God, and then he said "if you want to be with me you need to have sex and do sexual things with me". I do admit it, I've done sexual things with guys before but I don't want that anymore, it's not that fun. I don't want to have sex I just want a good relationship and Dave will be the perfect guy for me. He's been there with me through the hard times and he's helped me through so much and I am thankful for him. Next month when I go see him I know my dad's going to be watching over me and he'll probably come in my dream and have a huge smile. Once when my dad came to MHS he said to Dave "so you're the guy my daughter talks about" and my face turned all red. Dave was able to help me in so many ways and I am so thankful for him and he would help me and I am so thankful for him.

Tomorrow's going to rain and my body isn't liking it because when it rains the spasms and pain get worse and I hate when the pain and spasms come. My life is pretty stressful the things I go through aren't easy but I've come so far in life that I can't stop now, my dad wouldn't give up. Today I saw my friend Dara and I was telling her that Steph and I are going to move out there is way to much tension between our moms and us. Her mom wants to hang out with her and my mom doesn't want too, she's so busy with her life. My mom only likes doing the easy things and it's to bad because then it puts allot of stress on Steph and it's not fair for her. On October 24th a place from my pca company and the dds worker is going to come and Steph will be there and I am hoping to get more pca hours so that I can get more help and more human interaction because with my mom she does her thing and I'm always bored after Steph leaves, tonight my mom went upstairs and stayed up there until 5:45 and I always feel bad asking her for help but she's my mom and she should also want to be apart of my life but she has chosen the people who she wants in her life and I'm just her option and I have dealt with it for so long that I'm burnt out by her and she never looks happy to help me anyway and she doesn't like when I go out on Friday nights but I need too, I need to live and I can't always stay here it gets very boring here.

I really hope that my insurance will pay for the hospital bed, once my mom puts in bed I can't fix myself and I always need to get her attention she's been fine with it without Jorma but I know when Jorma comes home next Friday she will ignore me. Sometimes I think that he tells her to ignore me and to stay with him he wants all of her time and every thing, I know that she won't ask me to go shopping with her. My bed that I have now it's okay but the hospital bed would be better for Steph, my mom and I. I wouldn't need to hurt my back and either would they need to hurt their backs too. I am hoping that my insurance will pay for the recline chair too so that way I can lay down, my chair that I have now it only tilts and doesn't recline and I know my mom doesn't like putting me in bed but I have a hoyer lift that could help her but she doesn't want to use it and it would make our lives allot easier and when I move out I am going to use it, all those transfers with my arms and if I have a spasm I could hurt my mom's and Steph's back but my mom says "it's in the way". She's just making it harder on herself when she doesn't want to use it so that's not my fault. The hoyer would be easier and a safer transfer but my mom doesn't want to use it she wants to use the sliding board and that's an okay way to transfer but when I have a spasm and they can happen at any time. My life isn't easy but I get through my day with the  help of God, I don't know where I would be if I didn't have him probably with Chris and having sex and drinking. But I don't want to drink or do any of that anymore it's really not that fun. My niece Siira on her 21st birthday went out and got drunk and I am guessing on new years eve she went to go sleep at her friends so I'm probably guessing that they got drunk. I've gotten drunk so many times and it's really not that fun, you drink and then you forget what you did the night before. The last night I got drunk was Summer 2008 when I was at shake a leg it was the last night and we went to the club and I drank and wanted to bring a guy back to the dorm and that same year was when I became a born again Christian and after that Summer I haven't drank and I never will again.

allot on my mind

I really wish I could get my phone working, with the music and everything it's saying that it is missing some card and that means I have to go back to the metro store and have them fix it. I wish my phone would work good, at nights when my mom is blabbing on the phone I like to listen to music the phone rings so I always have my music. My mom doesn't interact with me, last night when I kept asking her to put more tape on the quotes she really didn't want too and that's not fair if my sisters were to ask her to do something then she would. It gets frustrating how she only wants to do the easy things when I ask her to take things off my walls she doesn't want to do that either I need to move out and leave the past behind.

It's cool how Dave has been thinking about him and I, Chris doesn't talk to him he's so busy with his life now. I am happy that Dave will talk to me and he called me on Saturday night and he couldn't call me yesterday because his mom was doing the over night shift. I remember when I had study class with him and he would follow me around every where. He helped me allot when my dad died and I miss him and I want to be with him and he wants to be with me too so that's a nice feeling to have. He'll probably call me tonight and I will call him at 4 and I know that he'll be happy and then he'll probably call me at 11:45 tonight. I was telling him that he needs to blog and it will help his frustrations out and that blogging helps someone and he said he would start a blog :)

Today I was telling Steph how my mom didn't want to put the tape on the back of the bible verses and quotes instead she put the tape around my computer desk. My mom was also telling me how Steph needs to take better care of important papers, such as the cell phone bill. Steph was saying if it's that important to her then she should get it and they have it record. Tomorrow we're going to look at these really nice condo's, her mom doesn't like how she spends time with Chad and my mom won't spend time with me because she's so busy with her life. I need to move out and move on, Steph said she won't tell my new pca's about my past, like Maiju did to Steph in July. God has forgiven me and I wish that my whole family would forgive me but they won't and probably never will. Finnish people hold grudges against people, and it's not fair for me. My mom was on the phone for an hour with my aunt tonight then she had to call Suvi and Maiju and I know where I belong in her life and sadly I don't fit into her life.  I know when Jorma comes back then she won't ask me to go shopping she can't do anything by herself and I don't know how Jorma's holding up because usually he can't be without her if she or him have an appointment he needs to go.

I am so happy that I have Dave that I can talk too, he remembers on 12/23/99 when I called him and said "my dad died" and when I went back to MHS, I was so excited on Wednesday that my dad was coming to visit me and when he didn't show up I became sad. Dave and I broke up after I went out with Bryan and I am so glad that I'm done with him too. I don't miss him at all. He would make up all these lies and all this other junk. I get to see Dave sometime next month and I am so happy, I like being around him and he likes being around me too he told me that he's been thinking about him and I for the last few weeks and that made me really happy, I miss being in a relationship. Seeing all my sisters married and I'm single that doesn't make me comfortable at all being around them. I remember last Christmas all my sisters were there with their husbands and I was with Chris at the time but he wasn't there with me. It's weird seeing Suvi's wedding ring she's still in the honey moon stage and it's all about her and Brad. But when Maiju or her sister in law Kelly ask her to do something she does and it's not something that I would do if she was in my shoe's but it's her life if Maiju and Suvi want to ignore me they can, I will move on with my life. They don't have ramps in their houses and sadly I don't think that they would put the ramps on their houses.

I went to church :)

My mom is going to church again, it's Jorma who doesn't like going. It's sad to see that he doesn't like going to church he would rather drink beer and do his own thing, it makes me sad for my mom. When he wasn't in our lives she use to go every Sunday but when he came into our lives she stopped going to church. My mom said "after you get home we can go to the grocery store" and when Jorma's here she never offers me to go with her. It's him who doesn't want me around it's sad,  Jorma wants her all to himself and he doesn't want to share her with me. He doesn't like if I go walking with them or anything. So I will need to move out and leave them two behind he'll be back on October 21st and that's when every thing will change again and I'm really not ready for change but what ever if he wants all of my moms time than he can have it and he'll be happy that I am gone. In 2009 when I moved back here he didn't like that he didn't talk to me and I always got these looks like "you're not supposed to be here" and he would talk to everyone else but me. I like just being here with my mom it's peaceful and I don't need to worry that I will see him in his boxers with no shirt on either. But when I go back to the Lutheran church they all want me back, but their worship and service puts me to sleep.

I've been a born again Christian for 3 years now and it's been an amazing change, when I was a Lutheran I use to swear. At the Lutheran church I couldn't take communion because I never took the classes and went I back there when my nephew Christian passed the classes they wouldn't give it to me. I was so bored that I had to go in the nursery because I wasn't use to their style of church anymore, when I go back there for the Christmas service I could tilt back and take a nice long nap. It's not my style of church, I like hillsong "The Stand, and the inside out" I never thought that I would like that kind of music and I am so glad that I changed churches and maybe that's what Al was in my life for to get me out religion, I lost friends when I changed churches but I made new ones. Jenny is more of Maiju and Suvi's friend now and Jenny can relate to Maiju because she has kids now. Jenny and I use to be really close but now we're not and it's sad that when you change churches you loose friends too it's crazy how religion is. It's not about the religion it's about having a relationship with God and I've never been this close to him and every night I pray with Lacy. Last night I was talking with Dave and he's been thinking about us and he was there when my dad died and he helped me when he was gone. Chris doesn't talk with Dave anymore, Chris just wants to have sex and go out and have fun. But Dave will give me the time and day and he called me yesterday and that made me very happy.

My mom picked me up from church and on the way home I was telling her what Dave and I talked about and she said "is that all you two talked about was about the sad things?" it's kind of like she wants to forget about my dad. I miss my dad and I can't go talk to my mom about him because she'll tell me that she doesn't want to hear it or she's busy. But I need to talk about what happen 12 years ago even though my mom doesn't like too my dad was a huge part of my life. He came to MHS every Wednesday until he couldn't, it's sad how cancer doesn't take one but the whole family. I asked someone from church if they knew of any pca's that could work on Sunday's because once winter comes I know my mom won't want to bring me because Jorma doesn't like church he would rather drink beer or work on the house. He goes once a month just to prove that he is a good man, tonight I asked my mom to put tape on quotes and bible verses and she just put the tape around my desk she only wants to do the easy things such as put me in bed and take me out and do my medications but she doesn't want to do the showers or laundry she wants to leave that all to Steph and that's not fair either. In August that's when she quit doing my laundry and she won't bring out my trash either she leaves it all for Steph and that's not fair for her. Tomorrow Steph and I will look for condo's in Leominster I want and need to move out of here. I can't always sit in my room alone while she's watching tv, or talking on the phone and I'm in here. I've done it for so long that I can't do it anymore she's chosen all the people who she wants in her life and sadly I'm not one of them and I'm her daughter and she should be wanting to spend time with me but she really doesn't want too.

I really hope that dds can get my job back so that I would have something to do during the day, I know that Steph doesn't like going to the library or doing the puzzle books. I am also waiting to get the botox too, my back gets so hot and that tendon that I over worked when I was at MHS now I am paying the price for it. I wish I had listened to the doctor's when they said to slow down, but I was mad at the cancer for taking my dad away, that tendon will send me into a huge spasm and when it does it gets frustrating because then I need to deal with the pain I know my mom doesn't like me taking the stronger pain med but she's not the one who is living in the pain and she can take some pain med and it helps her. But my pain is different and if I didn't need to take that pill I wouldn't but I need too and I wish I could put all of them in my shoes for the day and see how they could handle the pain and spasm. I don't think they could handle it but that's why God chose me to be disabled because he knew that I wouldn't give up. I've seen my dad die, my mom walk away from God my younger sister marry a non believer and I've seen my mom gone from happy to frustrated with Jorma. She still is making a big deal about my cell phone bill and I want to say "if you need it that bad then you can get it at the metro pcs store". I know that tomorrow she's going talk with Steph and she'll say "you need to take better care of Minna's stuff". I need to move out she's really not happy and it's putting allot of stress on me and that's not fair on my part so I need to move on and forget about Jorma and my mom I know when Jorma comes back that's when my mom will stop asking me to go shopping with her because Jorma wants all of her time and he only likes to share her with my sisters and my aunts and uncles but when it comes to me he doesn't like too. I think it's because I need more help and I can't do 

:-) leave me a comment :)

I wish my mom would bring me to the other church but she doesn't want too, the guy who invited me he'll look for me. I don't bother talking to her because she's impatient when it comes to me talking to her so I stay quiet. I really want to go to the church but my mom doesn't want to bring me there but it's not about her it's about what I want in life. I want and need to live and I can't always stay here and do the same thing every day I know that she doesn't like when I go to barns and noble but I can't always stay here it gets boring here. She doesn't like charging my chair and last night she forgot too so today when I went out I really couldn't move. It gets annoying and she gets so upset about the little things and I'm burnt out by her, she really doesn't spend time with me either she's busy with my sisters and her shows. It's not easy living here and I really want a boyfriend I can't stay in the house every night and do the same thing every night it gets boring but I don't think that she cares. She really doesn't want to hang things up for me either and it gets annoying she has Steph do everything and she use to do my laundry and take my trash out but she doesn't anymore and she'll only do my showers if she needs too. She's so picky about them that I want to say "if you're so concerned with my showers why don't you do them?". Yesterday I was out for two hours and that was it and I got bored and I am 28 and I can't always stay in the house that gets very boring.

Steph and I were talking today and she wants to become my shared living provider on Monday we're going to look for condo's in Leominster near barns and noble. I want to get the heck out of my town, my town has nothing to offer. The library is only open Tuesday's 10-5 Wednesday's & Thursday's 12-7 and Saturday's 10-2 its boring here. I want to live in Leominster so that way I can go to different places and move out of here and I wouldn't see Jorma walk around in his boxers anymore. I need to move out and there is tension at Steph's house too and that's where we get along both of our moms are the same way, she would still go to work and be the main pca and I would hire two more and we would take Lacy. Ann my dds worker is going to try to get my job back at arc, she said that she would have me in money skills where I could teach the clients how to count money. The clients they miss me and I miss them, when I see them at the library they say "we miss you" and they get so excited to see me when I come there. So I need to go back there when I was there I forgot that I was disabled and I need that back. The clients they love me and they would get so excited to see me and I would help them out in writing skills and all these other skills and we took them to Market Basket, the library. At lunch time I would have two clients who I would take care of the day and I had them get their own money out when we would get pizza and it was allot of fun. I would be happy if Ann got my job back there and I could help them out again. I am a very out going person thanks to my dad, if he didn't have cancer I wouldn't be this out going but I don't let my disabilities stop me and I am pretty sure that he would be proud of me and the woman I grew up to be. I go every where and I still live even though I am disabled



Tonight my friend Dave is going to call me, I met him at MHS. In my freshman year in high school I had study class with him and he would study me. He helped me allot when my dad died, I remember calling him and saying "Dave my dad died" and even typing about my dad gives me the goose bumps and I get tears in my eyes. I still miss my dad, when I did the relay for life in memory of him that wasn't easy but he would be proud of the woman that I've turned into be. I'm still his chocolate queen and I will never stop being his chocolate queen either, every time I buy chocolate God must go tell him "Mikko there goes your chocolate queen" and he probably laughs. Dave was the one to hug me when I went back to MHS and the first Wednesday when my dad wasn't there I said to Dave "where's my dad?" and he said "remember he went to heaven?" and I cried.

"Somewhere Out There"

Our Lady Peace

Last time I talked to you
You were lonely and out of place
You were looking down on me
Lost out in space
We laid underneath the stars
Strung out and feeling brave
I watched the red orange glow
I watched you float away
Down here in the atmosphere
Garbage and city lights
You've gone to save your tired soul
You've gone to save our lives
I turned on the radio
To find you on satellite
I’m waiting for this sky to fall
I’m waiting for a sign
All we are
Is all so far

You're falling back to me
You're a star that I can see
I know you're out there
Somewhere out there
You're falling out of reach
Defying gravity
I know you're out there
Somewhere out there
Hope you remember me
When you're home sick
and need a change
I miss your purple hair
I miss the way you taste
I know you'll come back someday
On a bed of nails I’ll wait
I’m praying that you don’t burn out
Or fade away
All we are
Is all so far

You're falling back to me
You're a star that I can see
I know you're out there
Somewhere out there
You're falling out of reach
Defying gravity
I know you're out there
Somewhere out there
You're falling back to me
You're a star that I can see
I know you're out there
You're falling out of reach
Defying gravity
I know you're out there
Somewhere out there
You're falling back to me
You're a star that I can see
I know you're out there
Somewhere out there
You're falling out of reach
Defying gravity
I know you're out there
Somewhere out there
You're falling back to me
I know
I know
You're falling out of reach
I know

The week flew by

I wish that I lived closer to the book store, my mom wants to come at 7 to pick me up but when she does than I get bored. I can't always stay in the house and if I come home at 7 than I'll get bored there isn't anything to do around here except for sit around but other than that I'm bored. As I've said before my mom just sits in the living room watches her show's then when the phone rings she talks on that. I'm trying to live but it's very hard too live, even when Jorma's here my mom doesn't like coming to get me at 8 but I can't always be in my house there is nothing to do here except for the quotes and bible verses she doesn't want to hang those up either. I spend way to much alone in my room alone and my mom tells me that the reason why she doesn't want to come hang out with me is because she'd fall asleep. I wish that I could have my tv in my room but I am limited to how many channels I get. I need to find friends who will hang out with me on Friday nights, Dawn lives an hour away and I've said before my two sisters who live close to me they really don't hang out with me they only come stop by to see my mom. Suvi comes here on her lunch breaks and that's it, she's busy with Brad and her sister in law Kelly. It gets very frustrating living here I can't always do my quotes and bible verses every night with no human interaction.

Suvi has been married for a year on October 9th and I'll never forget that day, it was the hardest day for me. I saw all my sisters there with their husbands and I was dating Chris then. When Suvi and Brad came in the door I got quiet and I didn't eat or anything I went to call Chris and he helped me. I want a good boyfriend who lives close to me, who could take me out on a Friday night. I hate the fact that all my sisters are married and I'm not. I miss dating and living, I am 28 years old I've been single since January 2011 it gets boring. I miss having someone to say "I love you" at nights and who can help me when I'm feeling down or when my spasms are bad. Suvi is so focused on Brad and it gets pretty frustrating being me, between the pain & spasms and every thing else I go through during my days. If it wasn't for my dad I would have given up already and I am so thankful that I had him, even though Maiju put him down.

This afternoon center for living and working called me and they said "we need to come check your time sheets" so I called back and the lady said "your dds worker called us and was wondering if we could give you more pca hours" after I called Ann and said that she's going to meet with me on October 24th at 12 and I am so happy. I need more human interaction and my mom really doesn't like me going out myself. But Ann was saying that I should try to live on my own again I said "the only problem would be my family because in 2008 they all thought that I tried to kill myself and that one minute I knew I was in my apartment and the next minute I knew I was in the hospital and I had people sit in my room and they sent me to a day program where people hear voices". The doctor told me that I herd voices and I said "I hear the voice of God" and the doctor said that he wasn't real. I really want to move out again on my own I don't like living here, my mom watches her shows and does her own thing, She also doesn't like how I go out on Friday nights but I need too every other night I'm stuck here and doing the same thing every night and I can't do that every night I like going out and seeing my friends and sometimes I see Dale it's good for me to move out of here and not always be stuck here. Ann is also going to work on getting my job back at the arc, in February Steph is going for this cna class and then I'll know she'll find another job and I am not sitting in the house doing nothing.

This guy at Shaw's invited me to his church on Sunday and he's really nice, when I told my mom she didn't like the idea she said "then I have to drive". But I really want to go there, he's a born again Christian too and I really want to go. I want a Christian boyfriend and this could be the right guy for me and no more guy searching. It helps to have a boyfriend all my other sisters are married and I want a nice Christian guy too. Suvi has been married for a year now and Miia and Maiju they've been married too and I really need to start living and it would only be once a week and I am hoping that Ann can convince my insurance to get me more pca hours too so that I can stay out late on Friday nights I get bored here and I am 28 and I need to live and I can't do the same thing every night while my mom lays in the living room and watches her TV shows. When Kristen came to change my catheter she told her "she goes to bed so late, and I'm so tired" but she watches her shows until 11 so I'm not the only one who stays up late then she goes upstairs and watches the Finnish news. I really hope that I can convince her to bring me to the other church, the guy who invited me he might be the right guy for me and I've been asking God for a boyfriend for the longest time and I really want one too. I need to feel human too and I miss having a boyfriend and I really hope that she'll bring me there and the guy is cute too. Steph's boyfriend Chad asked Matt if he believed in God? and he said "no". I don't want to be with someone who doesn't believe in God, I want someone close to me too and who could take me out too

I need to move out!

 Maiju and I got laugh how she hung up on Maiju how she got mad at Maiju. I know my mom is missing Jorma so that's why she's in a bad mood, she doesn't know how to do do anything with out him and it's sad. He must be lost without her too, them two do every thing together and if he has an appointment she goes with him and if she has an appointment he goes with her. It gets very stressful living here between my mom and Jorma, I need to moveout. I know when he comes back then everything will change and at nights I will have to have my door shut a little because I don't want to see him walk around in boxers it creeps me out. I emailed Miia and Maiju and told them on Monday there was milk that had chunks in it and I said how Steph needs to clean out the fridge and both of them said "good idea" my mom doesn't like to throw away anything. I threw away tooth paste and she took it out of the trash and Steph and I laughed, she saves so many things the fridge isn't a safe place for anyone to go into!

I cannot wait to get the botox my legs are so tight and it gets so frustrating, I was telling the doctor that my mom doesn't like me taking the stronger pain pill. But she's not the one living in this pain that I live in, I would rather sleep good at nights than to wake up so many times. My pain and spasms increase more around 9pm and before the baclofen pump it was worse. I am hoping the doctor can get me a better power chair she wants a tilt and recline chair. My friend Sammy she has a tilt and recline chair and I want and need a better foot plate, the one I have now it's not comfortable and when my leg spasms it falls off the foot plate and it hurts my hip. I am supposed to wear this thing on my heel to protect it from getting skin break down but when my foot is always falling off the foot plate it hurts my hip, the foot thing weighs allot and I don't want it to pull my hip out of my socket.  I want them to put a foot box so that my feet they don't fall off the foot plate, my tone and spasms they hurt and I am hoping that the botox will help me get rid of the spasms, I hate when I get the spasms it gets pretty stressful but the botox did help in the past so pray it works again!

I was asking my mom if I could go to barns and noble tomorrow night and she said "I can leave you there on Saturday", but I like to go out on a Friday night. I am in the house every night and she doesn't interact with me she would rather talk on the phone, watch TV. But I need to live too I am 28 years old and I'm not a baby and I can't stay in the house every night. If she sat in my room that would be different but she doesn't and I am the one who suffers from it and it's not fair. I almost said to her "I need to live and I can't always sit in the house every night and do the same thing". I get bored and winter is coming and I won't be going out at nights and she'll love that because then she doesn't need to pick me up. It gets very stressful with living here, at times I want to say "I am 28 and I need to live just like everyone else does and I can't stay in this house every night". I wish she would come talk with me but she doesn't have the patience and I'm the one who needs to suffer and that's not fair for me. I try so hard at life and only a few people see it and I wish that my mom would understand that I can't stay in the house every night it gets boring and when the snow comes I'll be even more stuck. My church has these focus groups but I can't get in their houses so I get stuck here in the winter and she's always on the phone or watching one of her shows. I don't have the energy to live here anymore it would be different if my mom wanted to talk with me, but she doesn't like drive my van and she depends on Jorma way to much and it's sad how she can't do anything without him and she needs him all the time.

It's crazy how time flies, how tomorrow is Friday and it's been 12 years that my dad's been gone, 7 years that I got this colostomy. Today Steph went to look at a new car and while she was there a girl who is Suvi's age (26) she said "I went to school with your sister" and I was telling her that I got a Christian movie director to do a movie about my life and how I am going to decade the move to my dad. He taught me how to live and I am so thankful for him, I go every where myself and even with these seizure's I'm not scared to go anywhere because I know that God wouldn't let anything happen to me. I was also telling her that I am going to put a special thanks to my friends who got my high school diploma when FHS didn't want to give it to me they said that I would never get any where in life. But my friends got it for me and I am so thankful they did, yes I am disabled but I am smart. Tonight I read 80 pages the book is called Divine by Karen Kingsbury I don't want to write about it in case someone wants to read it. I started the book on Monday and that's another reason why I want to go to barns and noble to read it in peace my mom always has the tv on or is on the phone and it gets annoying. When I go to barns and noble I always find a nice and quiet place and I talk to people. I like to go there and get out of this house. But when I was telling the girl that I'm going to put my friends in the movie who got my high school diploma for me when I saw Shawn & Dave and told them that I am going to put them in the movie they said "thank you" I said "no thank you, you guys need allot of credit for helping me out the way you did" and they smile.

my mom needs allot of prayer

I really hope that I can get my phone fixed, at nights when I'm trying to read in peace the phone always rings. Yesterday my aunt was here and my mom told her that I'm getting a new chair and she said "your mom told me you're getting a new chair", I wish my mom didn't tell everyone about my life. My aunt she didn't need to know about my new chair when she told me that I went away, 3 years ago when they all thought I tried to kill myself my aunt came in my hospital room and said "you shouldn't have fired Dale". It's never peaceful here the stupid phone is always ringing.

I hope that I get the hospital bed, this one isn't comfortable anymore. I can't fix myself in it and I know when I get my moms attention at nights she doesn't like it, it's been nice without Jorma when he's here I usually need to say "mom" 3 times but with him being gone I only need to say it once. Sometimes I really wonder if he tells her to ignore me and that I'll be fine. I like how he's not here I don't need to see him in his boxers and no shirt on. When he comes back I will need to shut the door a little so that I don't see him walking around like that. It creeps me out and he's not even supposed to be living here and it doesn't bother my sisters that he walks around here like that. I wouldn't mind if it was my dad but it's not and I don't like seeing him walking around like that. That's why I really want the hospital bed so that I can fix myself and my mom won't need to come down I know that she wants her sleep, if she would allow me to have a over night pca it would help her but she doesn't want it. I am going to find a pca from church who could come on Saturday's and Sunday's I would have them do the showers too so that it's not all on Steph.

My mom got all bent out of shape because I didn't get the receipt for my phone and she's been in a bad mood all day today, this morning my catheter bag broke and she got mad about that. She's so moody lately, I think that she misses Jorma and that's why she's acting the way she is and it's not fair for us. I have deal with it, Maiju called her and she got mad at her. So my mom went for a shower and she didn't answer the phone she had me call Maiju and she picked up and said "mom is still mad at me?" and said "yes" and Maiju laughed I said "pray for me". Maiju and Suvi told me to have Steph clean the fridge two weeks ago Maiju and my niece Ella came and Ella wanted some milk and Maiju said "have auntie Minna check the milk before she pours it" and I am so thankful that I did because if I didn't than Ella would have had bad milk and you can't trust the fridge or freezer here. My mom doesn't like to throw anything away and we get a good laugh out of it. But my mom is mad at me for not getting the receipt but tomorrow Steph and I will go get it all fixed and hopefully than my mom won't be mad at Maiju or I.

I really hope that Dawn my triple trouble can sleep over on Monday today I was so frustrated and she sent me a text saying "I love you lots" and I am so thankful that I do have her. When no one else understands what it's like to be this disabled I can go to her and when my sisters don't want to listen or my mom I can go to her and she'll always be willing to listen to me. She is blind a has a guide dog and Lacy and Marius (her dog) they get along. We always have so much fun together and I haven't seen her since December and I miss her, we text and we've done some bad things in the past but we don't anymore. We use to listen to all this bad music, but we've grown up and we don't do any of that anymore. We still cause clean fun but we have no halo's. I try to convince people I have one but they tell me to keep dreaming, I consider Dawn as my older sister because she is. She knows that I can't handle any more weddings I've gone to many I can't handle anymore. The hardest wedding was Suvi's because I knew that she wouldn't keep her promise I knew that she wasn't going stop by she's still in the "honey moon stage" but she'll go to her sister in law Kelly's and to Maiju's but when it comes to me I'm just her disabled sister.

I really want a boyfriend

I really hope that I can get the hospital bed, this bed isn't comfortable anymore. I always need help repositioning myself and I know my mom gets annoyed when I yell for her. Last night she said "I just fell asleep" and I wish that dds can get me out of here soon, I can't live here anymore. Yesterday when my mom went with Maiju to her appointment I wanted to say "why can you go with her but in July when I was in the hospital you didn't come visit me?" Steph didn't even understand that either. She can be involved with everyone else but when it comes to me she just sits out in the living room and I wish I could have this blog unlocked but my family they are busy bodies and would read it. It gets annoying my mom and I relationship is getting worse she really doesn't talk with me last night I went to take a picture of Lacy and she asked me "what do you need?" that's why I don't bother going to talk or watch tv with her.

Today the nurse from the pca company is coming and I am hoping that she'll increase the hours, I need someone here at nights with me. I can't always sit here alone every night, and if I can hire someone for Saturday & Sunday. So Steph can have the weekends off, I know when Jorma comes back they won't like bringing me to church, Jorma doesn't like church and if someone invited him he would say "church isn't for me". Last December when I went to this boiler room prayer and someone invited him in and he said "church isn't for me". He's been gone for two weeks and I know my mom misses him she can't really do much with out him she depends way to much on him. I want the nurse to increase my hours so that I can have fun on weekends and do different things and have a life. When Steph doesn't work on weekends my weekends are so long. Jorma doesn't like when I go shopping with them he wants my mom all to himself and it's sad too. I really want to find a good pca who will take me out for friendship too and have fun with me, when Dale worked with me she would stay late just out of friendship. In August Steph took me to the fire works just out of friendship and if I can find a pca like that I will love it and start living just like all my sisters and my mom they live and I am 28 and I need to start living too.

The nurse couldn't give me more pca hours, I asked Steph if she wanted to get a condo and she said that Chad and her are planning to get married in two years. I am going to ask Ann my dds worker if she can please get me into shared living, I don't want to live here anymore. My mom doesn't interact with me at nights and I can do the same thing every night. She doesn't believe in me either, and that hurts. I need to go to a place where someone will want to do things with me. Suvi is still in "honey moon stage" she's been married for a year now, Maiju she's a busy body she's into everyone's lives and gossiping about people 3 years ago she told my former pca Jenny that I was in the hospital because they taught that I over dossed and I know that my family will never trust me living on my own again. The doctor told me that I hear voices and all this other junk and when I was in the hospital everyone found out, I need to move out and move on with my life and leave the past behind here.

I really want a boyfriend I want one who could take me out, I was telling Steph that I would want them to leave my chair at home. She said "I didn't know that you could do that" so on Saturday she's going to come here and we're going out but we are going to leave my wheelchair behind. It will be nice to forget about my wheelchair, I am in allot and getting out of it to get in my bed during the days that's not easy so I am hoping to get the hospital bed. But I really want to find a good guy who would take me out and I need to start living it's really odd being around my sisters how they're all married and I'm not. I could have been married to Bryan but I didn't want to be he was to immature to even talk too and I am not even sure what I even saw in him but I guess in life you need to date a few wrong ones to find the right one. Chris was nice at first and I thought he really loved me but I guess not, and he won't even give me a reason why he broke up with me. But oh well it's his loss if he doesn't want to be a 28 year old then he can act like a child.

"Gone"
TobyMac
I told the girl that you should treat her like a lady and
She told me all the things you did and it was shady, man
She said that what you say and what you do are different things
While you were telling me that you were checking out them blingy rings

She said she's had enough
Well, it sounds to me like you're straight out of luck
And she said she's all through
And life's not blowin' her kisses thanks to you

I wanna know, wanna know what you were thinkin'
I can't imagine why it didn't even sink in
They say you never know what you got till it's gone
(Never know what you got till it's gone)
I wanna know, wanna know what you were thinkin'
I can't imagine why it didn't even sink in
They say you never know what you got till it's gone
(Never know what you got till it's gone)

She said she's had enough
So, it sounds to me like your still out of love
And she said you weren't true
And life's not blowin' her kisses thanks to you

She said it's gonna be alright
Cause God made a way through the pain and he opened her eyes
And she said you came crawling back
But after what you did to her she wouldn't have any of that

I'm getting botox

last night I twisted my shoulder, my mom was putting my pj's on and I went to bridge for her and I felt my whole shoulder twist. I don't know what is wrong with my body, today I am going to see the botox doctor and I am hoping that I can get botox I need it. My legs and back are so tight, my tendons in my back are so tight and my head hurts from the tendon's being so tight. Ice is the only thing that helps my tendon shrinks the tendon I hate how my body is always spasming. It gets pretty stressful being me, I wish I had friends around here all my church friends they all are in college and have lives. I really want to meet new friends but I am limited because I can't go out myself. At church they have these focus groups but I can't get in their houses because of my wheelchair, I can only go to the mall and places like that. I need to find friends that I can hang out with and have fun with. I can't do the same thing every night and sit in my room every night that gets boring. I need to be distracted from my pain, my body is always spasming and I need to be distracted.

I like my new phone, I am still getting to use to it. It's still odd texting on it, but it gives my hands a work out. I can see the phone, I can't see color's good and my old phone was black and I can't see colors. I get black, blue confused I like when I do the different colors on here I have a chart where I can read the color's. My favorite color's are, teal, pink, sky blue and purple. I want this pink and purple swirl color for my new chair I will have to have Steph pick it out I don't want to pick out the wrong color. On my phone I can go on aim, check my email, go on my blog sites and I really like it it's just taking me time to get use to it, it has a built in camera and I thanked my mom for it.

I went to the doctor who can do botox and she's going to do it in my neck and legs, I was telling her how I am always in pain. So she said that she'll help me out and I am so happy, I hate having the pain and spasm too. It gets pretty frustrating, the things I go through between my mom is busy with everyone else, the pain, the spasms but God chose me to be disabled my sisters would given up by now. But I am fighter and God knew that I was strong enough to handle them, the hardest thing was accepting my colostomy but God sent Lacy who is right beside me because I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and she loves the crust. I always need to save the crust because at nights when my mom is putting me in bed Lacy likes to steal the blankets so that's how we move her and it's a good way to move her.

I really hope that Ann my dds worker can get more pca hours so on Saturday's and Sunday's I can have someone. I hope that she can get my job back too, I miss working there as I've said before I like helping disabled people out. If I can't work there I would ask Ann if I could help out at a group home and help them out. I need something else to do at nights, I can't always sit in my room every night and do the same thing every night that gets boring. My mom would rather watch TV, or talk on the phone. I've asked her if she would come in my room and she said "I will fall asleep in your bed". I need and want to feel good about myself and if going to work in a group home or in a day program or both would be fine. I just need something else to do during the days, Steph doesn't like going to the library or barns and noble and she doesn't like the puzzle books either. But our moms are the same they both talk bad about us, when Pam her mom was working with me. She was always telling my mom "you shouldn't let her drive the van" and all this other junk and when I told Steph what she said then Pam and my mom got on each others side and Steph and I felt bad. Pam told my mom all what I told her and after that I couldn't trust her. I am going to call Ann after the nurse leaves and ask her if she was able to get my job back and I really would like that, I need something else to during the days.

I went to church today

My mom is different without Jorma, she is more compassionate without him and more patience. When she puts me in bed at nights she takes her time but when he's here she's different, he wants all of her time and it's been nice without him. I wish that he would get his own apartment but he won't. Dds is still going to look for a place and tell them that I can't live here, seeing Jorma walk around in his boxers it's uncomfortable and he gives me these looks. In 2009 when I moved back here he wouldn't look or talk with me he was so upset that I moved back and last December he told me that I would never be able to move out because I always need my mommy. But I need her in a different way, I can't do things for myself and if I could I would.

I went shopping with my mom and it was nice just her and I no Jorma and it's so peaceful without him. I really wish it would stay like this but I know it won't. My mom asked me "what do you want for dinner?" and she made us some Finnish dish that I love to eat. I had fun going out with her. I went to church today and the pastor's sermon was about being honest with God and I liked the service. I saw my friends there and I had a good time, my body was spasming but I went in a room where I could still listen.

Tomorrow I am going to see the doctor who does botox and I am hoping that she'll be able to help me, I am in so much pain right now the rain probably doesn't help me either.My neck and back are hurting allot and I know my mom doesn't like that I take the stronger pain med but she doesn't live in the pain that I do, and I hate the pain and spasm. I am always uncomfortable and feeding myself that's harder too, I am always spilling so I am hoping that the doctor can help me out, I hate living in hospitals it gets so frustrating it seems like that's all I do lately. I wish I could tell my mom how frustrating it is but she would tell me that I complain but I don't I am just explaining to her how I feel, she'll listen to Maiju and everyone else but when it comes to me she really doesn't have the patience because I stutter because of my disabilities and it gets frustrating. But thankfully I have Dawn and I can go to her, and I am happy I have her. I am hoping that she'll come over next week and that will be triple trouble, Fitchburg will need a huge warning that Dawn is coming to Fitchburg. One nice thing is that Jorma isn't here, it's so peaceful here and every thing is calm but when he's here the house isn't peaceful it's more stressful and I hate it.

I wish that at nights the phone wouldn't ring, it gets annoying. I always need to have my headphones on because I don't want to hear the phone ringing, when Dale worked here and the phone would ring she always wanted to pick up and say "get a life", I text more than I talk on the phone. I am going to call Ann and ask her to please get me out of here, I can't live here and I know that my family would never trust me living on my own. December 2008 every one thought that I over dosed on my medications but I didn't and I want to ask Steph if she would want to get a condo and I could get other pcas but we would only have our cell phones. I always get relaxed  around 8:30 and the phone is always ringing and I will try to read and the phone rings. I wish the house was longer so that I could be on the other side and I wouldn't hear the phone ring, it gets so frustrating. I like having quiet and I can't even have my music loud after 9 and right now it's 10:10pm and Maiju must have called here so many times and it gets very annoying. I can't read in peace and I am always hearing my mom blab on the phone and I can't shut my door because Lacy needs to come in but I would love if the phone would stop ringing around 8, but Maiju is a busy body and always needs to be talking to someone. She's called my doctor's so many times and she's called Steph she has 3 kids and their all in school but Maiju needs to find a job or something to keep herself busy and be on the phone she needs to get a life other blabbing about peoples lives. Maiju has called Ellen in the past and 3 years ago when I went to the hospital every one found out and my former pca Jenny found out, that's why I can't go to my sisters because they'll blab to the whole world especially Maiju she is a busy body.

I got a new phone

It's raining and all day yesterday I was spasming, Dale use to say that they didn't need a weather man because they had me. When ever the weather changes my body spasms more, I was in so much pain yesterday. It gets frustrating being me with the spasms and other things that I go through. I really want to go back to the arc and help them out, when I was doing that I forgot I was disabled and my pain wasn't bad and I wasn't focused on my pain and spasms, but when I'm doing boring things that's when I am focused on my pain & disabilities.
I got a new metro pcs phone my mom gave me money for it. It's like the iPhone, I just need to buy a sim card and I can have all my music on it, my ipod is small and I wouldn't want to loose it. When I go out I wouldn't want to loose my ipod, the streets here are horrible and their bumpy I like my new phone, I just got to add everyone in there. Tomorrow at church I will tell people there to send me a text or call me. My old phone I couldn't text on it good and it was a pain to use but on my new phone it's a touch screen and it's easier for me to use, I bought a hook and case for it, it's a red phone so I bought things to match it. I am thankful that my mom gave me the money, she's allot nicer when Jorma isn't here. It's so peaceful here without Jorma and I wish that he would go find his own apartment and live there and he can date my mom.
Tomorrow when I go to church I am going to ask if anyone knows any single guys, I am sick of being single. I thought that Matt wanted to be more than friends but he just wants to be friends. I want to start dating again, I miss being with someone. I want someone close and who loves Jesus but also will see past my wheelchair & disabilities too. I am more than my wheelchair, today at the mall I saw a disabled guy. I was telling his mom how the world thinks that people who are disabled think we're not smart and how I am going back to college and become an advocate for disabled people and I saw this lady smiling behind them. So I think she was even happy that I'm going to stick up for disabled people. But I really want a boyfriend who will take me out and who lives close to me and who will take me places. I miss spending time with a guy, when I was with Chris we would hang out but then he changed and he won't tell me what I did but oh well it's his loss.
I like seeing the people at church I remember one Sunday I was really upset and the pastor came and told me that I am doing a good job and he's impressed how I still go to church even though I am in this much pain. I learned it from my dad, he taught me how to live and he would be proud of me. I still live and I go do things that a normal 28 year old does, if it wasn't for him then I don't know where I would be. He taught me so much even though he was so sick. I am still his chocolate queen, I bought more chocolate today I would have bought allot more but my candy dish is full. When Jorma comes back from Finland he's going to bring me Finnish chocolate, I like Finnish chocolate allot better than American chocolate, God must tell my dad every time I buy chocolate "there goes your chocolate queen" and he probably gets a good laugh. I love chocolate and for American chocolate I like Hershey Bars, Dove, Kit Kat's. My niece Ella was watching tv with Maiju and they saw a cemericial for dove chocolate and Ella said "Minna always has those!" when Ella comes here she always wants chocolate and it's cute.

I cannot believe it's end of September already!

Where I live it doesn't feel like September, it feels like the summer it's 80 degrees out. I am meeting with Ellen my therapist today and hopefully with my dds worker too. I want & need to get out of here. My mom was complain to Kristin how I go to bed so late but she watches her shows until 11 and I am usually ready by 10:30, then she goes upstairs and goes on the computer until 12. I am hoping to move out of here soon and get the heck out of here, I know when Jorma comes back than he'll be walking around in his boxers and they'll watch the Finnish news. It makes me miss my dad, he held this whole family together and now it's all falling apart. The song 7 x 70 by Chris August is right the walls have seen me happy, they've seen me torn but most of all they've seen a family fall apart. It's sad how my family has fallen apart, all my sisters are busy with their lives and even my mom is busy with her life. I need to move out and start my own life, and I need to meet new friends. I want friends who can come over on a Friday night and watch a movie and order pizza and even sleep over. I know my mom & Jorma won't like if they sleep over but I need a life too, they can cover themselves up and they don't need to wear these thin pj's. Imagine seeing you're mom's boyfriend walk around in his boxers at nights, that's so uncomfortable and it creeps me out. I always need to be facing the other way so I don't see him.
I am also going to ask my dds worker if she can find me a job other places too, I really want to help out the disabled. I miss helping them out, when I helped them out I forgot that I was disabled and I need that again. I really miss it and I really want it back, and I know that Lacy won't like me going to work. She gets so excited when I come home from some where, her tail wags and she goes nuts. She's so cute, at nights she needs to watch my mom put me in bed and when Steph works she needs to watch her get me out of bed. When Steph is making the bed she needs to give her a cookie because if she doesn't than she doesn't let Steph make the bed and she thinks she's helping but she really isn't. When Matt came on Sunday he said "if your ears were any bigger and if your tail was alittle longer you could fly" and it's true. My mom said that she needs a bath so tomorrow I will get the right kind of shampoo and then Steph will give her a bath.  When she's all wet she jumps on my lap and shakes herself on me and I get wet and I'm also going to buy her a new out fit too and take a new picture. Mary loves new picture's of her, I have them all over my room and on the door.Another thing she loves to do is spread all her toys every where and she reminds me of a kid how they spread all their toys and when Steph picks them up she spreads them all over again.
I met with Ann and she said that they don't have the funding for shared living right now, but she is going to get my job back at the arc. I was telling her how I miss helping out there. She said I would be good working with money skills, writing skills. I can bring my old fill in puzzles and work with the clients with the fill in puzzles. I liked helping them and all the clients miss me when they see me they say "we miss you" and it makes me feel wanted and needed when they say that. I will be happy if I get my job back and help them out, it makes me feel good about myself. The clients see me every where and they want me back so I guess that's where I belong , Steph doesn't like going to the library or barns noble and I wish that did. I love reading, I read like there is no tomorrow. Steph likes to go to parks and she thinks reading is boring, she doesn't like doing the puzzle books either but when I had Siira and Dale they loved going to barns and noble and the library. I am hoping that I can get more pca hours so that I can get some one here on Saturday. It's not fair for Steph that she needs to do all my showers and everything and in August my mom stopped taking out my trash and she only does easy things and I need to help Steph out too she can't do everything it's not fair for her. When Jorma wasn't in our lives she was more compassionate towards me but he changed her and Steph was reading my dad's journals and even Steph noticed that she was more compassionate when my dad was alive. Cancer doesn't just take one person it takes the whole family!
I was telling Ellen and Ann that my spasms are getting worse and on Monday I go see the botox doctor and I am hoping that she can give me botox. I need it, I am so spastic and I am so uncomfortable and my tone is worse too, I had these roho things on my foot plate but my tone has pushed them all off and I wish my spasms weren't this strong. My back hurts the most and I am always in pain, I got trigger point shots so hopefully I can start those again too. The botox hurts, I get 3 in my back, 3 in my left arm, 3 in each leg. When I was on an anti depressant it did damage to my hand and I remember when Miia found out I got off the anti depressant she didn't like it. When I am on the anti depressant I don't do anything and I don't have any motivation to do anything I just want to sit there and I don't read or do anything. I will only use Lacy and God as my anti depressants them two are better anti depressants. I am hoping that the doctor can give me botox right now my back is spasming I forgot to take my afternoon medication so that's why it's spasming. I miss having a boyfriend when my body would go into a spasm and Chris would be on the phone with me he would say "you need to stay calm" I need to be reminded to stay relaxed when my body starts to go into a spasm it's hard to stop it. When I was at Ellen's I had one and Ellen and Ann they were telling me to keep calm. After Ellen's, I was telling Steph that I want to go to a cottage when it's around Christmas and have a bunch of girls and we'll probably have a chocolate and snow ball fight. In July when Lauren slept over we were up until 2am and we had so much fun and I want to have another girl's weekend. I will call Dawn tomorrow and let her know so she can come too. My mom said if we go to Maine and have fun there and I am sure that we will have allot of fun. Steph will get her friends to come with us too and we'll have allot of fun and get out of our boring town

relaxed

I really hope I get the hospital bed, this bed isn't comfortable and my back or knee is always hurting me. I know that my mom doesn't like coming to fix me at nights unless she's going to the bathroom. I have to wear this thing on my heal at nights and my knee has been twisting outward and it's not a comfortable position. I am hoping that in my new chair they can put something so my foot doesn't fly off the foot plate that hurts my hip. I will be in a store and all of a sudden my leg falls off the foot plate, in my manual wheelchair MHS put a foot box and that is what I would ask Chris my wheelchair guy to put on my new chair so that way if I don't have my foot buckled my foot won't fly off. On Monday I go see the botox doctor so I am going to request her to do it again as much as it's painful it will help me in the long run.

Today I went out with Steph and she had to get something for her boyfriend and we went to the Burlington mall, I went to barns and noble while she went to the mall. I couldn't tell my mom where we were going because she would have a fit if she knew where we were going. When I try to live I can't and it gets frustrating, I want to live but when I can't my mom doesn't like it and I wish that she would. It's been a rainy day all day today, Steph wanted to take me to cross roads on Sunday but I don't want too because no one there wants me there. When Steph was doing the vbs every one was telling her how I bug people when I'm there so I really don't want to go there if I am just going to bug them and even Al was saying that I'm a distraction there. So I will go to horizon and hopefully Ann will have more pca hours for me and I can have more time here and I won't be bored half the time.

I am hoping to meet with dds tomorrow along with Ellen, I want and I need to find a job. I want to work with disabled people and help them out as much as I can, I like helping disabled people out. I know that the arc won't hire me, the director won't hire me back and I can't go shopping every day. I like going out but then my mom complains about the gas. I couldn't tell her where Steph and I were going today because she would get bent out of shape and it's to bad. I like going shopping, tomorrow I am hoping to go to barns and noble I like to read there and it makes my time go by faster when I read and I'm out of the house. If Ann my dds worker got me more pca hours than I will hire some one from church, my mom told Kristen my nurse yesterday that I go to bed to late but she is always watching her show's until 11pm and last night I wanted to say "why do you tell people that I stay up to late, and you watch your show's until 11?" I was telling Steph that last night and it even confuses Steph too. I need to move out and that's another question that I will ask my dds worker how long is the waiting list for shared living? I want and need to move out of here asap! It's so peaceful with Jorma but in two weeks he'll be back and than I will see him walk around in his boxers but I will keep my door half way shut so that way I won't see him when he comes out of the bathroom. My room is right next to the bathroom and I always need to make sure that I am facing the other way so that I don't see him walking out of the bathroom, I wouldn't mind if it was my dad but he's not my dad.

I can't believe that September is over tomorrow, the weeks fly by. I don't know where they go either, on minute I know it's Monday then the next minute I know it's Friday. This November will be 7 years that I've had my colostomy, I wasn't supposed to make out of that surgery but I did and I am glad that I did. It wasn't an easy thing to accept but now I don't mind it. I wish my dad would have gotten the colostomy but he was a stubborn Finnish man, and if he would have gotten it he would have still been here. My friend Dave remembers the day that he died, I'm still his chocolate queen. I am sure that he would be proud of me for that and he would be proud of me for keeping the faith and I never lost it even when my life got harder. I am a strong young lady and when I go places and people ask me where did I learn to do all this? I say "my dad taught me" and he probably has a box full of credit's in heaven. I am going to do relay for life in memory of him again, that's not easy for me to do but I do it for him because of what he taught me and I give him so much credit for teaching me the truth and he would be very happy with me. I go places even though I am disabled, I do things for myself and I do allot more than other disabled people do for themselves. On October 9th will be 1 year that Suvi and Brad got married and I made a speech and I told her not to forget me and to hang out with me and she made that promise and she broke it. She's so busy with school, Brad and the married life and she and Maiju (my other sister) they do so many things together but they never include me. I am always stuck here and I get bored here, my mom talks on the phone and watches her shows. It's my time to move out and start to live and get my own life and find a good boyfriend who lives close to me. I thought Matt was the right guy for me but he isn't, Chad (Steph's boyfriend) was asking him does he believe in God and he said "no". I want a good Christian guy so this Sunday when I go to church I will ask if anyone knows of any single guys who want a girlfriend.


boring day

I asked my sister Miia to please convince my mom to get me the hospital bed, I really need it. The bed I have now is okay but the hospital bed would be more comfortable for me, and it would be easier for my mom too to get me in and out of bed. I try to make her life easier but she doesn't want to take the chances and I wish that she would. I am hoping that Miia will email or call her. I want and need the hospital bed it will make our lives so much easier and I really want her to take the chance this time! I wish that she would allow me to have my room the way I want it to be but she doesn't want anything sticking out but it would help me. It gets pretty frustrating living here, I need to move out and really start living my life the way I want it too. Today the nurse is coming and she wants Steph to be here so she can put me in bed, but she has a life too.
I hope that someone will convince the director of the arc to give my job back, I miss the people and they miss me too. The clients get so excited to see me when they do. I miss helping them out, and they would be so happy when I went to help them out. I forgot that I was disabled when I was there, the director was an okay lady. I am so glad that I fought the day program. As I've said in my earlier posts in 2007 when I got lost in Florida and Miia came out and talked with me she said "you are going into a day program" but what would I learn there? it would be the life skills program all over again and I don't want to do that again. The life skills program they didn't teach me anything and when they didn't want to give me my diploma and my friends got it for me I still thank them. Shawn, and Dave and all my other friends who were there with me they helped me and they went down the special ed office and got it for me. The special ed office they don't spend any time with the disabled people, half the people at MHS didn't get their diploma. I passed the mcass so did my friend Sammy, and I am proud of her. Alycia on the other hand didn't believe in herself and her parents put her in the day program and now she just sits in a group home and in the day program and does nothing. I feel bad for her, because I know she is smart. I need to become an advocate for disabled people, this Friday when I meet with my dds worker I am going to ask her how can I become an advocate for disabled people so that parents don't put them in day programs and all the other junk that they do to disabled people
My nurse convinced my mom to get the hospital bed and I am so happy, that means when I get it I will be more comfortable. My mom was telling my nurse "she goes to bed so late and I'm so tired", I wanted to say "well I could get a pca here at nights" my friend Jenny said to get an over night pca but my mom wouldn't want that because than Jorma couldn't walk around in his boxers at nights. I need to move out of here and move on like my sisters did, it's way to stressful to live here. It's my time to grow up and move out and get the heck out of here and start my own life. I want to go some where else where they would want to interact with me. My mom just sits in the living room while I just sit in my room and if my sisters or my aunt were to call her she would stop and talk with them but when it comes to me I am just her option and I'm sick of being just her option. She doesn't want to take the over night hours with someone else who could help her out but she doesn't like staying up until 10:30 and if she would be willing to take the hours it would help her out. But when Steph did the over night last month my mom didn't like it and I don't think that Jorma did either because he couldn't walk around in his boxers either.
On Monday I am going to see the doctor who does botox and I am going to ask her to do it again because my back is always spasming and my legs are too. It gets prettu frustrating being me and sometimes I cry and I can't go to my mom and tell her how I am feeling about my disabilities because she'll tell me that I'm complain I really can't go to anyone unless it's Dawn, Jenny or Dave. I can't go to my sisters because they don't know what it's like to be in my shoe's and I wish that I could go to them but I can't. I consider Dawn as my sister because when no one understands she does and I thank God for every night, and I miss her. I am hoping that she can sleep over soon, we've had some good times together and we were bad before we use to drink and swear like crazy. We use to listen to Avril Lavigne's song "Girl Friend" with a bunch of swears and we use to swear like we were bus drivers. That's why I want a Christian boyfriend I don't want one who wants sex all the time like Chris did, at first he was fine then in January he changed and I'm not sure why he did and he's to immature to tell me what I did wrong but oh well I'll leave him alone. I will find some one better, on Sunday I am going to Steph's old church and I am hoping that will be a guy. Matt doesn't a relationship and I want a good guy, who can help me relax at nights and some one who can help me when my pain is bad. Right now my pain is a 6 and I am also thankful that the doctor did put me on a stronger pain pill last October even though no one in family likes it. Their not the ones living in this body and I'm sure if they were they would think of the pain medication differently.