I am in pain once again

Today I am calling Ann my dds worker to get me out of here. My mom doesn't need me either, she doesn't have the patience to talk with me because of my speech. Sometimes it's hard for me to talk because of my disabilities, it gets so frustrating when I can't talk. I'm also calling my dentist and saying that I can't wait 12 hours without eating or drinking I take allot of medication and they require food in my stomach. I really think that my mom did that so that Steph wouldn't need to sleep over, my mom doesn't want anyone here past 7 because then Jorma can't walk around in his boxers. If I didn't have God in my life I would be a mess, the things I go through in my days aren't easy I miss when I could do more for myself. Last night I was talking to Dave my ex boyfriend and he said that Chris doesn't talk to him either. Dave was there for me when my dad died, the first time I kissed him in my room a poster fell and we cracked up. My dad said to him "so you're the guy my daughter likes" I told him to get off campus and he wouldn't. I am so glad that I can blog it helps me deal with things and gets my frustrations out since my mom doesn't want to listen to me Jorma once told me "I believe in God, but the difference between you & I, I don't complain about my life".
My mom and Jorma are going to bring me to the dentist on Thursday it's going to be an early oral surgery. I feel like I live in hospitals, I wish I could tell my mom how I am feeling but she doesn't want to listen to me. But blogging helps me,
I am spasming, this morning I was spasming and Steph kept me busy. My heels are always hurting me and my legs are always digging into the foot straps. Yesterday I was telling Jessie that I think the reason why I went to public school to see the difference between public school and MHS, Steph agreed with me. I wish I would have stayed there and I wouldn't be living here. Now that summer is coming my mom won't spend time with me outside, she'll go back inside when I go outside and it's not the greatest feeling in the world either. I forgot to call Ann, I want and need to move into a Christian based house where they interact with me unlike here my mom watches her shows and goes upstairs with Jorma and talks on the phone. I can tell that everything is getting worse, when I pick the color of my font I have to use a color chart with names. I went out today to barns and noble and then I had to go to the grocery store and I almost asked Steph to go for me but God asked me "what is wrong with you?" I took my question back. That's the good thing that MHS taught me was how to go places like om my own I want to go become a social worker and work for MHS and get out of Fitchburg but until I get social work field I want and need to move out of here.
So the dentist called and my oral surgery is at 7 in the morning, my mom and Jorma will bring me and Steph will have the day off but she said on Saturday she'll need to do a longer day and I don't mind. I was telling my mom that I hope I can get the phenol soon, I am always in pain and spasming. I will ask either Kayley or Beth to come with me because when I got the botox in December it cheeped Steph out. Last week when the doctor unbuckled my feet I almost flew out of my chair, it's so hard to remember to stay calm but Steph always changes the subject and it does help me. At church if someone sees me go into a spasm they remind me to breath. I miss when my life wasn't this hard, two years ago the doctor had to put me on a higher does of pain medication because I wasn't sleeping good. I was telling the dentist that I need the oral surgery in the morning because my medications can't be taken on an empty stomach. I use to have toast  for breakfast but now I need to have a carnation instant breakfast, I don't like milk but since I can't walk my bones aren't as strong as everyone else's. As much as I love chocolate I don't like to drink in my milk so Steph said that every so often I am going to switch it up between the straw berry & chocolate carnation. I am glad that my oral surgery is early in the morning so I can get it over and done with. It would be hard to clean my teeth and do fillings because I move so much. When I get the botox and phenol they always need to give me something to kind of relax me. My legs get so sore from being strapped in all the time but if they're not strapped in I can fall out of my chair, I hope in my new chair the foot straps will be better and I hope the foot plate is softer. My heel is always hurting, I go through allot in my days it's not easy but I make it through with God. My dad taught me how to be a fighter so I'm just like him. I'm also glad that he told me that doctors would tell me that I have depression but they have no idea what I go through during my day. I hope I can get the botox and phenol soon I hate how I have these spasms and my legs are always digging into the foot straps too.
Life Song
Casting Crowns
Empty hands held high
Such small sacrifice
If not joined with my life
I sing in vain tonight

May the words I say
And the things I do
Make my lifesong sing
Bring a smile to You

Chorus:
Let my lifesong sing to You
Let my lifesong sing to You
I want to sign your name to the end of this day
Knowing that my heart was true
Let my lifesong sing to You

Lord, I give my life
A living sacrafice
To reach a world in need
To be Your hands and feet

So may the words I say
And the things I do make my lifesong sing
Bring a smile to you

Saturday & Sunday post

I really need to move into a Christian based home, my mom and Jorma they don't want to get married and there really isn't that much happiness here either. My mom only uses me for the money to put me in bed and get me out when Steph is late or on Sunday's she really doesn't do much with me. I really don't mind being disabled I wish that my mom would want to do more with me, today I am going to church and I know that she doesn't like when I take my iPod. I'm burnt out by her and Jorma, I told Steph that I can't live here anymore I've done it for so many years that I really can't handle it anymore. Tomorrow I'm calling Ann my dds worker and asking her if she can please find me a Christian based shared living place, living here is getting way to stressful. Thank God that I can blog and get out my frustrations, since my mom doesn't want to listen to me Jorma and her both tell me that I complain but I don't. I go through allot, between my body being in pain and spasming, seizures and my heels always hurting that's allot to handle for one person. But God chose me to be disabled because he knew that I could handle all these things where my sisters would have given up by now. Allot of people admire my strength and it does help when people tell me they admire it, it makes me feel a whole lot better about myself. When I go to church no one there sees my wheelchair or disabilities they see the real person and the funny and out going person.
So I went to church and they were teaching about sin, and I got goose bumps again. I have to live with Jorma and he's not a happy person. I got home late and my mom asked me "why did you come home late?" I said "because people wanted to talk to me". They care about me, when I come home there isn't much love here, but when I'm at church there is allot of love there and people want to know how I am doing. I wish my mom would care more about me, but she's busy with her life & Jorma. After the service was done, I went into the prayer room and I asked them to please pray that I will move into a Christian based shared living place. I'm burnt out by living here I don't have the energy to live here anymore. I know my church cares about me and my friends do even it's a nice feeling that my friends care about me. When I talk about my dad tears come to my eyes, I wish that he would have gotten the colostomy I miss him allot. Jorma spends time with his daughter and I wish I was needed by my mom, I'm so sick of being rejected by her, it hurts allot and it makes me want to be different.
My body is stressing me out, between the spasms, pain, and seizures. I miss when my life was easier, I need to move out I think that will get rid of my seizures. There is allot of stress that goes on here, between Jorma and I. I hate how I always live in pain, I wish I had a rewind button and I would put it to when I was at MHS and I wasn't this disabled. I was telling people at my church that Dawn said that I need to go back to school and become a social worker. I would go work for MHS and if public school wanted to take a disabled person out of MHS I would show the parents the before picture of myself when I was in my manual chair and I'd tell them what I could do before and now I'm full time pca. I miss being able to do things myself, but going to church it really helps me and it keeps me less focused off my disabilities and I forget about them so that's the good part. My spasms are getting worse and when I get the botox and phenol it will help. I hate living in pain and spasm, but the shots help me as much as I hate them they do help me allot. I like inspiring people and encouraging people to do their best and it takes my focus off myself and onto others so that's the good part. When I read and go out that also helps my spasms and pain, I've noticed when I am at church my seizures aren't there I think the reason why they come is because there is allot of stress here but at church there isn't any stress there and I'm not around Jorma or my mom.
I am glad that I can go to Dawn for advise, I call her my older sister. She understands what it's like to be disabled where my other sisters don't know what it's like. She encouraged me to go back to collage and become a social worker. We use to swear and drink but now that we're born again we quit doing that, she's helped me through so much. Next month I get to go see her and we hang out and go to target and have clean fun. I have so many phone calls to make tomorrow, since her and Steph both encouraged me to call my dds worker to get me out of here. This afternoon on the way home from church I had to charge my chair and she was about to call me and we talked. We want 20/20 to do a story on us, and show the world that just because we're in these wheelchairs it doesn't mean that we're slow. The world needs to see that we can be on our own, they need to follow us into a store and follow us through out the day. Like I've said before we use to drink and swear but now we gave our selves to the Lord and we don't do any of that bad stuff anymore. We joke around what we use to do, new years eve 2007 I went to her friends house and I went to the bar and I got drunk because I got lost in Florida and everyone got mad at me. But now we have no desire to drink. We got a good laugh how Bryan is always wanting me back and Justin use to go after her. Four years ago when everyone thought I tried to kill myself Dawn called me and asked me "did you try and kill yourself?" and I said "no" and she believed me. It is a good feeling that I have a friend who I can go too when no one in my family understands what it's like to be disabled. I want to move to Rhode Island and get out of Mass, especially my town. When I was coming home this afternoon my chair kept dying on the hill, I had my charger and I stopped at a neighbors house and they charged it for me and then walked me home. I know my mom wants to move back to Finland and I know Maiju wants to put me in a nursing home, so when I call Ann tomorrow I am going to ask her how long the waiting list for shared living is because it's getting way to stressful to live here.
Everlasting God
Jeremy Camp
Strength will rise
As we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our strong deliverer
You are the everlasting God

The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our strong deliverer
You are the everlasting God

The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary

You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles

My day flew by :)

Last night I was telling my mom that I'm going out & again she didn't like but oh well. I was on facebook and I saw on my oldest nieces status saying "I'm so drunk" it makes me sad. When she was living here she was different but right when she turned 21 she got drunk she needs Jesus. Dawn called me last night and I was telling her about the nurse and she didn't even like it, so she told me to call the nursing place and tell them it offended me and I am disabled but I am not low functional. Next month I'm going to visit her and we're going to write 20/20 a letter and we want them to come follow us for a day so that the world can see that just because we're disabled doesn't mean that our minds don't work. My mom, and Steph didn't like it all. I will call the nursing supervisor and tell her not to send that nurse out anymore. After she changed my catheter she said "you did a good job sweetie", my other nurse she was on vacation but she never treated me that way. Now I really need to go back to school and become a social worker for disabled people and stick up for people like myself.
My mom needs Jesus really badly, my keys weren't on my chair and I know that Steph has them and my mom said "why am I always the one you blame?" so then her and Jorma left and she was so angry. Yesterday Steph went to get me lunch and books and my mom didn't need to give me an attitude about either, she could have been nice about it.
I don't even want to talk to my mom the way that she treated me this afternoon how she yelled at me, it upset me allot. I wish I could tell her how it made me feel but she would get offended by it.  I went to the concert and when Jorma and her picked me up from it Jorma flipped the mirror, he doesn't want to see me either.
Today I got a letter from relay for life and it said "come join us for relay for life on June 8th" that's never easy for me because when my dad was alive he held this family together and when he was alive my mom was different and I miss that mom. Suvi only came to watch the movie with me because Steph wasn't able to make it. But if Steph was able to make it than I'm sure she wouldn't have come. It makes me sad that no one in my family needs me, I'm not sure how much longer I can hang on living here. I miss my dad, I'm sure he's proud of me of the young lady I turned into. I go to church and I go every where myself. I don't need my mom to follow me, but it would be nice if she interacted with me but she's got her life and sadly I'm just her option and it's not a good feeling to have at the end of the day either. I bet if my dad was alive I wouldn't be living here and he would have kept me at MHS, but my mom and Maiju agreed with public school that they had a better program for me. But when I was there I got weaker and now I'm like this and it's upsetting too, I miss when I could do things for myself and not be stuck in this chair. Relay for life heals me in away, it makes me stronger. This time I am going to email Maiju and tell the Lutheran church to donate money towards the relay for life. I want to raise more money, I do know that even if Steph and I go our own ways she'll still do the relay for life with me. She wants to do the 24 hour one, I am hoping to have a boyfriend by then. I miss having a boyfriend when ever I get one I will tell my mom that on weekends I won't be here I will be out and living my own life. Since she doesn't need me in her life she has all the people in her life who she wants. I'm burnt out by my mom & Jorma too. It's overwhelming living here, I wish my sisters could see the Jorma that I see but they only see the nice part to him.
God With Us
MercyMe

Who are we
That You would be mindful of us
What do You see
That's worth looking our way

We are free
In ways that we never should be
Sweet release
From the grip of these chains

Like hinges straining from the weight
My heart no longer can keep from singing

Chorus
All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified
Emmanuel
God with us

My heart sings a brand new song
The debt is paid these chains are gone
Emmanuel
God with us

Lord You know
Our hearts don't deserve Your glory
Still You show
A love we cannot afford

Like hinges straining from the weight
My heart no longer can keep from singing

Chorus

Bridge
Such a tiny offering compared to Calvary
Nevertheless we lay it at Your feet

I've got a busy day tomorrow :)

I wish that I had the guts to let Steph go, she doesn't want to be seem here anymore. Yesterday when I couldn't go see Kayley it upset me, I really wanted her to show how to reposition me and how to break a spasm. I will take Dale's advise and hire a older one who is married and who has their life together, I really hope that Ann my dds worker can meet with me today because I want to volunteer or get a job. My mom wants me to go work at Market Basket but I'd get bored there, she said that it would be good for me. Last week she told me that I need to go in a day program. It's kind of like when I'm here she doesn't want me, yet when I'm gone she wants me. It gets so confusing, like I've said before if it wasn't for my colostomy then I would be in a day program so thank GOD he let my colostomy happen when it did. This day program that they wanted me to go to had all low functional disabled people, I don't mind helping them but I wouldn't sit in one I would get bored. Same as when I went to FHS I got bored there too I had all these easy classes and I really didn't learn anything from there, I fell asleep in all the classes they were to easy for me. That's why I need to go back to school and become a social worker and keep people like myself at MHS and make sure that they are getting the right education that they need and not all these easy classes.
I miss when my life wasn't boring, Steph is busy planning her wedding my mom is always with Jorma and I spend way to much time alone and it hurts allot. The last 4 days my mom has been spending so much time upstairs, I need the courage to tell her how I am feeling but I know that Jorma would make fun of me. The tears are coming down my face right now, Steph left early to get her wedding invitations my mom is watch TV.
Today when the nurse came to change my foley catheter she kept asking me "where's your mom?" I said "I'm my own guardian" she treated me like I was a low functional disabled person and its sad how the world only looks at people's disabilities and not to see the real people behind our chairs. Once I was getting my baclofen pump filled and the CNA asked me "are you in a day program? my friend goes to one" I said to her "no". Just because I'm disabled it doesn't mean that I am not smart, I read allot and I do these fill in puzzles. I wrote on my facebook wall that I'm sick of doing the same thing every night and day, Dawn said "wait until you get into shared living then you will have something new to look forward too" my sister Miia put "Yes you need to take Dawn's advise it's not good that you sit in the room night after night". I wish my mom would interact with me more but she's so busy with her life that she really doesn't have time for me. The nurse called me back and said "do you want me to tell your mom what I just told you?" I said "no, I can" Steph did even like her the way she talked to me we didn't like that all. My legs they don't work but everything else, when I went to FHS and they put me in life skills I didn't like that class at all. I got so bored in there too. I don't want that to keep happening to disabled people that they put people like myself in day programs. I didn't like how the nurse talked down to me, it made me want to smack her too.
Tomorrow night I am going to a Christian concert at my church its for the youth group but anyone can go. I am excited, I can drive down there myself. I like going out on weekends it helps me forget about my disabilities, all the ushers they all call me speedy or trouble. Last Saturday when I went to crossroads everyone was teasing me, and they were telling me "you need a speeding ticket". Jay the main usher he was taking my joy stick and driving me around in a circle, crossroads and horizon they love to tease and joke around with me. I never thought that I would be going to a Christian concert or have bible verses on my walls. Like I've said before I never liked church before it was boring to me. Christmas 2011 when my nephew Jeff said "we have to go to that boring church and I laughed. My brother in law Bret, Maiju, Suvi and my mom didn't think that was funny but I thought it was. I think that I am meeting with my therapist tomorrow and if I am I am going to ask her if she knows of any day programs are needing new staff. I want to earn some money, I know my mom wants me  working at market basket but that's not what I want to do. I want to help disabled people out and help them out. My dds worker is out until next week but when she comes back I want to ask her if she could help me get back to college and I want to become a social worker. I know that my mom wants me to take easy classes she has no confidence in me and it's sad too. I now know where she wants me at day program but I'd get bored. I like having a busy Friday night I get to interact with people. Miia wrote on my facebook wall "you're a people person" I am glad that she sees me not liking being this room all the time. My mom would rather sit and watch her shows or go walking with Jorma. I need more human interaction, where my mom doesn't want to give it to me I'll go some where else and get it. Jorma doesn't like how I'm here, 3 years ago when I moved back here he wouldn't talk or look at me. But when I go out I am not focused on my mom or my disabilities I need to get out and live just like she does, every Friday night my mom and Jorma go out with their friends so I need to go out too I spend way to much time in my room so it is nice to get out of my house
Overcoming
Kutless
Some say it's crazy
That you'd stay here by my side
I don't want to spend a day
Without you in my life
Maybe I'm a dreamer
And it seems that I'm lost within my mind
Searching for the moment dreams and destiny collide
I just need you to love me

I can't stop you from overcoming me
It's brought me to my knees
I don't want you letting go of me
I'm standing in the pouring rain
I can't believe you'd do the same
I can't stop you from overcoming me

I am not deserving
Of the way you see me in your eyes
You take me for who I am
I guess I wonder why
Maybe reassuring
Is all I can do in the meantime
And none of this can change the fact that lately
I've needed you around
I just need you to love me

I can't stop you from overcoming me
It's brought me to my knees
I don't want you letting go of me
I'm standing in the pouring rain
I can't believe you'd do the same
I can't stop you from overcoming me

I can't stop you from overcoming me
It's brought me to my knees
I don't want you letting go of me
I'm standing in the pouring rain
I can't believe you'd do the same
I can't stop you from overcoming me

Goodnight

I went to the botox doctor today and she was telling Steph that I need to eat healthier and no more pizza or things like that. It's frustrating because I get sick of eating turkey all the time and now I won't be able to eat the things that I want too. I wasn't able to go see Kayley because Steph didn't want to wait until 2 so we left. On the way back from umass I was quiet because it upset me that I can't eat things anymore. Steph is so busy planning her wedding that I'm really not important to her. This morning when my mom was getting me out of bed and she hurt me and I said "ouch" she said "ouch ouch" like she was making fun of me.
So I come home and my mom asks me "did you go see your friend Kayley?" I said "no, because Steph didn't want to wait that long so I went to the Leominster library while Steph is getting things done for wedding". After my mom gets me all set she goes upstairs with Jorma. I was telling Kayley and she said that I need to tell my mom how I am feeling, she had all day to herself and with Jorma but she can never give me an hour. Jorma always needs her he can't go to umass himself because he always needs her. At least Lacy misses me, she always checks up on me to see how I'm doing and it is a good feeling that she needs me unlike my mom, Steph, and my sisters.
I wish I had a rewind button to when my life wasn't this hard, and Jorma wasn't in the picture. He doesn't like how my mom spends time with me, he wants her all to himself. I also miss when my body didn't cause me this much pain either, when I was in my manual chair I could get into bed when ever I wanted too but now I always have to wait and it's not easy being me at all. My back is always hot or my heels are always hurting and I live in hospitals. Next month I have so many appointments it gets very stressful, I feel like I can never live and I'm always going to doctor's appointments and all these other appointments. My mom can even tell that I'm getting weaker, the spasms are increasing my vision is going and the pain is getting worse also. Today when I went to the botox evaluation she told me that she needs to do something stronger than botox, she went to unstrap my feet and I almost came out of my chair too. When I went to get my baclofen pump filled the doctor wanted to see how spastic I was so she unbuckled my feet and I had a huge spasm. Steph was supposed to show Kayley how to reposition me and how to break a spasm but she didn't want to wait until her classes were over so I had to come back. Steph is so focused on getting married that she always rushes out of here to get her things done, it gets stressful too because I would like if she worked until 3 but she always leaves at 2:50 but she's supposed to be here until 3 but oh well it's her money.
Tomorrow I need to remember to call my dds worker I want to ask her if she was able to get me the volunteer job that I really want. I miss helping out lower functional disabled people it made me feel better about myself and I would forget about my problems. I am so glad that my dad was able to teach me the lessons that he did, he did everything even though he had stage 3 colon cancer.It's time to start raising money for his relay for life, he needs one night the lessons that he taught me. If I wouldn't have not had him as my dad who was able to teach me these things I wouldn't want to volunteer or go back to school to become a social worker and keep kids at MHS. Public school they don't teach much of anything they only teach the basics such as money skills and social skills. But at MHS they taught us lessons that would help us, and not to depend on our pcas. Steph's mom got be the little drink packets that I'm able to fill the bottles myself. I want to become a social worker so that I can go into public schools and make sure that they are treating people with disabilities the right way. Sammy she passed the mcass and she didn't get her high school diploma. I don't like to see parents who have disabled kids baby them such as Sammy, she's always with her mom and she'll never know how to live. I go every where myself, and I know my family doesn't like how I take my headphones with me when I go to the library or barns and noble. But God wouldn't leave me right at my house I always pray that he'll keep me safe and he always does. I need to do that and get out of here, I am hoping that I'll get a boyfriend before relay for life. I know that my mom won't like if he's here so I'll go out with him, a few weeks ago I wanted Lauren and Steph to come watch a movie with me but my mom said that I couldn't. I need some human interaction and that's why I want to get a volunteer job, Steph is getting married July 21st and she'll probably start having kids after that. So if I can find a volunteer job now it will be ready by the time she's married. The arc won't hire me back, and I wish they would but God probably has something better in store for me. I know when I go back to school my mom wants me to take all these easy classes but that's not my goal I've been through the easy classes at FHS so I am going to go after my dreams and I'm not letting anyone stop me!
Until the whole world hears
Casting Crowns
Lord, I want to feel with Your heart

See the world through Your eyes
I want to be Your hands and feet
I want to live a life that leads


Ready yourselves, ready yourselves
Let us shine the light of Jesus in the darkest night
Ready yourselves, ready yourselves
May the powers of darkness tremble as our praises rise


Until the whole world hears, Lord, we are calling out
Lifting up Your name for all to hear the sound
Like voices in the wilderness we're crying out
And as the day draws near, we'll sing until the whole world hears


Lord, let Your sleeping giant rise
Catch the demons by surprise
Holy nations sanctify
Let this be our battle cry


Ready yourselves, ready yourselves
Let us shine the light of Jesus in the darkest night
Ready yourselves, ready yourselves
May the powers of darkness tremble as our praises rise


Woah, woah, sing until the whole world hears
Woah, woah, sing until the whole world hears

I want to be Your hands and feet
I want to live a life that leads
To see You set the captive free
Until the whole world hears
And I pray the day will see
More of You and less of me
Lord, I want my life to be
The song You sing

Umass tomorrow and then going to see my friend Kayley

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.John 10:10

 Yesterday as my mom was putting me in bed she was telling me "you can go for your shower now, it's fixed" but I went on Saturday. If she wants the showers done so bad she's going to do them, Steph does way to many of them so from now on I'm putting her to work since she's also my pca. If she doesn't want to do them then I'll find another pca to help Steph out, my mom does the easy things such as putting me to bed. I miss when I didn't have all these problems, it's getting so frustrating. I don't know what the heck is my moms attitude with me lately. Personally I think it's Jorma who is making her that way, she doesn't want to spend time with me she'll take me out sometimes but not every day. I'm burnt out by my mom and Jorma too, if it wasn't for God I don't know where I'd be. Dawn and I were talking about it yesterday how God can change a life, such as ours. On Sunday when the pastor was talking about adultery and how living in sin is wrong I got goose bumps because I have to live with Jorma and it's not easy living here at all. He is moody then he puts my mom in a bad mood, he doesn't want her to spend anytime with me. I know after awhile Steph is going to quit because my mom doesn't want to do my showers, she did on Saturday but she said that Steph should have done it on Friday. My mom doesn't understand taking the colostomy off my skin that hurts allot, it's like taking off a huge band aide and it's really uncomfortable. If Steph does quit then she needs to tell my mom and Maiju why she did because I know if I tell them they'll think I fired her.

Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget everything except what you’re going to do now and do it
Tomorrow is my botox evaluation, after that I'm going to see my friend Kayley. She goes to Worcester state university, she lost her mom when she was 16 and she's always willing to help me at church. My appointment at umass is at 9:40 so Steph will be here at 7 in the morning and we need to leave my house pretty early, it takes a half hour to get to Worcester. I'm taking my laptop and my puzzle book Steph is taking her music, and bible. 
When I go for my botox evaluation I am going to see if I can make an appointment with my neurologist because I'm sick of the seizures. I want her to put me on a trial medication to see if that would take them away. My mom doesn't believe that I have them but Steph has seen them happen to me so many times, she always needs to say my name a few times to get me back from being zoned out. I started having them after I fractured my spine 4 years ago when I went skiing, I had fun doing it but the things that I now go through aren't fun at all. I will have fun seeing Kayley, I know that she'll tell Steph "we catch your boss scratching but we smack her" Steph will probably say "good for you". I will be gone for more than 12 hours too, I will help out at the church and then I want to go to the Leominster Library and get more books. Tonight I read 105 pages, my brain never shuts up but my mom said that I've always liked to read. My niece Aniika loves to read too, she's a younger version of me . I am going to show the doctor my heel how it gets very black and it's always hurting me too, I get so frustrated with my body and I can't go to my mom and tell her how I'm feeling because she will tell me that I'm complain. But that's why I blog because I go through so much during my days and my mom doesn't have the patience to listen to me. Steph, Dawn, Dale and people at church they are willing to listen to me and their patience with me unlike my family who isn't patience with me.
Next week I have the oral surgery, it seems like I live in hospitals all the time. It's not easy being me, but after I became born again I found out why God allowed the disabilities to happen to me. It's to save people, and to get disabled people out of public school. I was telling my mom that Steph should do the over night and it would be easier for Steph she could give my shower and get me in bed and then get me out of bed. My mom didn't like the idea, I wish I could have another pca who liked doing crafts such as Beth. When Dale and Siira were working with me I had Suvi and my mom too. I'd rather do my showers at nights, but my mom doesn't want anyone here at nights. I have so many appointments next month, I don't mind going to the therapy sessions they help me. Ellen did find me another therapist until she comes back, I go through allot more than my sisters do. I miss when I didn't live in hospitals and all these appointments they get really annoying after awhile. But God chose me to be disabled because he knew that I wouldn't give up. Suvi's wedding was the hardest, because all my sisters are married except for me and I wish I could find a boyfriend soon. I need something different, I am always at doctors appointments and I live in pain and spasm, my mom doesn't do anything with me she watches her shows talks to my sisters and my aunts and Jorma always needs her. I don't fit into this family anymore, I can't tell any of them how I am feeling because they don't understand but that's where Dawn comes in she understands. I am so glad that I met her 6 years ago at hemlocks. Last night we were saying that Bryan is going to tell me next "I have MD, and I have reigers syndrome" even Steph said the same thing that he's going to tell me all these lies. I bet Chris thinks of me when he can't sleep at nights, we use to talk on AIM or the phone. I wish my town had a disability support group, but when I asked Ellen if there were any she said that there wasn't.
Hold On
Abandon
She sits alone and wonders
When is the end of broken dreams
This isn't what I pictured
She says as tears run down her cheeks
She needs a friend beside her
She's looking for a Savior

(Chorus)
Hold on, hold on, someone will find you
Hold on, hold on, somebody loves you
Hold on, hold on, your not drowning this time
Hold on, hold on, look for the searchlights

She grabs her coat to leave
So sure it's gonna be the end
Another broken family
Tears are her only friends
This isn't the life they wanted
She's hoping that Heaven comes through

Does anybody care and do you even see
Look past my skin until you see me
Do you even know what I'm going through
I need to talk to someone can I talk to you
Does anybody care and do you even see
I'm running out of hope and sanity
Do you even know what I'm going through
I'm having a hard time facing the truth
Does anybody care

Please keep me in your prayers

It's raining out today, I'm still going to go out because I need it. I hope there isn't tension between Steph and I, on Saturday when we left from cross roads she was quiet and while I was waiting for her I kept calling her to get my headphones and she kept ignoring my calls. In February when I went to look at the volunteer place she told my mom and I that she was going to leave. I want to volunteer, my mom and Steph they don't need me they have their own lives and it's time that I start living my life too. Lacy will miss me, yesterday when I came back from church she was so happy to see me. My mom wants Steph to put gas money in the van how last week we went to the mall and we were supposed to go to the beach. My mom needs to tell that to Steph I'm tired of being the middle person, I deal with allot between my mom and Steph. Neither one of them really likes to be around me anymore, Steph always leaves early so she can go plan her wedding and my mom does her own thing. I know that Dawn my best friend cares she's always reading my blogs. On Saturday we talked for a half hour, I consider her my older sister she helps me through allot
I went to barns and noble this afternoon, there was nothing else to do here. While I was there I was working on my testimony, so Steph is going to read it tomorrow. I wrote about my dad, my disabilities, Lacy and I go out even though I have the disabilities. Cross roads & horizon both encouraged me to write it. Tomorrow I am going to the Leominster library, I'll bring my laptop. I like being outside and getting out of this house there's nothing to do here anyway, when I got home my mom was upstairs. I wish that she would need me more but she doesn't, she doesn't want to change my sheets either. I've been through so much in my 29 years and it's not easy. Steph is planning her wedding and I saw her do the invites so that she can send them to people. I forgot to call Ann my dds worker today, I really want to volunteer or get a paid job somewhere. Tomorrow when I go to barns and noble I need to remember to ask them if they're hiring. The nice thing about my mom she's going to get me the barns and noble membership card. Suvi kept promising me for one but she never got me on and I wish that she would have. Blogging really helps me, in the Joel Esteen book he said to keep a journal, I've always kept a journal so did my dad.
Lately my mom has been really rude with me and I don't know what the heck I did to her either. She doesn't spend any time with me, she spends so much time with Jorma. They can't live without each other and it's sad in a way, he use to live in Mary's basement and I don't know why he can't again. Like I've said before if he can afford his own car insurance and pay some of his own bills then he can afford his own apartment if I didn't need all the help I could live on my own. It's not easy finding dependable pca's, I wish that I could live own my own. My mom and sister's wouldn't trust me, because 4 years ago they thought that I tried to kill myself but I didn't try to kill myself. Dawn called me and I was honest with her and I told her that I didn't try to kill myself. I was filling my drink packets and one of my bottles fell and my mom had to pick it up and she didn't like that because she had do something for me. She'd rather talk on the phone, watch her shows and not spend time with me. I could find another pca to help steph out but my mom wouldn't like that, when I get the volunteer job then I'll need to have a night pca. I know my mom and Jorma won't like it but oh well, I need to do something to forget my disabilities.
Steph was telling me today my mom is so confusing how she wants my showers done and she doesn't want me to go out. But I need to go out, she texted me that she's sick of playing our games. On Friday's I like to go to barns and noble but my mom doesn't like when I go, but she goes out with her friends every Friday night. If I wasn't disabled I wouldn't be stuck in the house all the time.My mom doesn't realize that showers take allot of me and I wish I could explain to her but she wouldn't listen to me anyway. My mom gets paid the same amount that Steph does and my mom doesn't like when I go places she always wants me to stay in. My van takes allot of gas, I did a fund raiser when I got the power chair in 2006 and my mom doesn't want to do another fund raiser for a smaller van. I wish I could hire another pca because when I had Dale I had Siira and Suvi too. I would want another pca, to do things with me at nights. When Siira worked for me she would help me decorate my bible verses and quotes, Steph doesn't like to do those kinds of things. I'm not sure what will happen after she gets married, I know that she wants kids. I was telling her on Saturday when I went to cross roads everyone was nice to me and when I was down stairs this woman Joy kept giving me these looks. Joy's husband thinks that I'm crazy, and they kept giving me looks. I don't mean to be a distraction but I can't reposition myself. Wednesday after the botox evaluation I want to meet up with my friend Kayley so that Steph can show her the right way to break a spasm and how to reposition me. I get allot of spasms and my body doesn't stay still it never has. I wish it would, it gets annoying having all these spasms and pain. All the pastors were nice to me, and they said that they need to give me speeding tickets I don't mind them joking around with me. My spasms started to get worse after I left FHS they took PT away from me they told me that classes were more important than PT was. In 2006 one of the doctors told me that I needed the power wheelchair and I remember when I had that evaluation I told Chris the wheelchair guy that I didn't like him. I kept fighting the PT and him, yes the power chair helps me but before I could do allot for myself and I wasn't in this much pain but since I started to use the wheelchair I got weaker and I hate it. 
I need you
Jars Of Clay
Strangely out of place
There is a light filling this room where
None would follow before

I can't deny it burns me up inside
I fan the flames to melt away my pride
Do I want shelter from the rain
Or the rain to wash me away

I need You, I need You, I need You
I need You, I need You, I need You
You're all I'm living for

I might sound like a fool
But I think I felt You moving closer to me

Face to the ground to hide the fatal cut
I fight the weight, I feel You lift me up
You are the shelter from the rain
And the rain to wash me away

Face to the ground to hide the fatal cut
I fight the weight, I feel You lift me up
I can't deny it burns me upside
I fan the flames to melt away my pride
Only have a second to spare
All the time in the world to know You're there
You are the shelter from the rain
And the rain to wash me away

Church was today :)

My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness  2 Corinthians 12:9
Today Steph's cousin is coming to my church because someone told Jamie that I was looking for a new pca, now there will be tension between Steph and I. Yesterday on the way home from cross roads she didn't talk to me, and I know that Jamie is going to find out who it was and is going to tell Steph. She is a good worker but we don't have anything in common, she doesn't like to read or do crafts, some times I need to stay home but she tells me that she gets bored. I need to find a volunteer job and find another pca who has more things in common with me. I don't want Maiju to tell them about my past or Steph to tell them about my past. God has forgiven me so it's time my family starts forgiving me, Steph always reminds me that I use to write Jorma hate notes and I wish that she would stop. It makes me feel bad about myself, Jorma is nice but he gets moody with me one day he's nice to me then the next day he's not. I can only talk to people at church how I'm feeling about him and my blogs, Dale & Dawn. Imagine your mom sleeping with someone who she doesn't want to get married too because money is more important than their salvation.
Jorma makes me laugh how he always needs his mommy, this morning when my mom brought me to church he had to come with us because they were going for a walk with Lacy. He flipped the mirror again, he doesn't want to see me. He can't even do his own laundry either, if I could reach the washer and dryer then I could do my own laundry. That was a skill they taught at MHS was to do our laundry. When I come home my mom doesn't even take my harness off or anything she leaves everything on. I wish my mom needed me more, today she had an attitude and she hasn't gone to church in two weeks because Maiju hasn't been there.
 Last night I was uncomfortable and when I got my moms attention she said "I was watching my Finnish news that I do every Saturday" I was so tempted to say "it's not either one of faults that I can't fix myself and if I could then I would but I can't.". My hips were hurting me and I was just asking for her help and she didn't like that. I'm not sure what her attitude is about, it's not easy living here. Last Thursday when we went to the mall, and we were supposed to go to the beach my mom didn't like how Steph didn't put money in my van for gas. So I texted Steph and told her that she needs to bring the money for the gas so that way she doesn't get mad tomorrow night. My mom doesn't spend any time with me, and she's my pca, I know that she won't like when I get a volunteer job because then I'll need to hire a new pca and I'll need to train them. My mom doesn't like when I go to barns and noble, but she goes out with her friends every Friday night. When I get a boyfriend she won't like that because I am sure that he'll want to take me out and she won't like that because she always wants me home but when I'm home she does nothing with me. Right now she's watching TV and reading the news paper, earlier tonight she said to Jorma "lets go watch the Finnish news" so they went up. If the pca company ever asked me about my mom then I would need to be honest with them. Yesterday she did my shower but she didn't like too because she wants Steph to do all the showers but she needs to do some too and not just Steph.
Today at church the pastor was talking about adultery, my mom lives with Jorma. It's sad that they won't get married, when he came back here last month my mom and him both took showers before going to bed. I wish they would make it right but they are more focused on their money than their salvation. In 2007 the Lutheran pastor asked me "do they live together?" and I wasn't going to lie. Maiju found out that I told the pastor the truth. My mom and Jorma started to date in 2003 and one night my mom asked Miia and Maiju if they could take me over night and all wondered what they were going to do. Shortly after that he moved in, when I'm in my room allot I get bored. It's sad that my mom won't spend time with me she's so busy with her life that she really doesn't have time for me. My mom or Jorma they have no idea who I really am, I use to drink and since this July will be 4 years that I've been born again I want to be baptized. I asked the pastor today when is the next time he is going to baptize people and he said sometime in May. I want to get baptized again, I know what a true Christian is now. Lutherans they baptize their babies when they are either 4 or 5 months old. When my mom let Jorma move back in she said "he never drinks or swears" but two weeks ago when it was Easter Brad asked him "do you have any beer?" and Jorma said "no". As I've said in the past I got drunk and did all these bad things but then I gave my heart to Christ and I've been different in a good way. I still joke around, but I won't drink or listen to bad music either. I know what my mom and Jorma do upstairs, I am disabled but I am smart. In 2009 when I couldn't find enough of help to live on my own and I had to move back here Jorma didn't like that he wants my mom all to himself. My mom and Jorma care more about their money than their salvation. When I was doing my quotes and bible verses I found this quote: He does not make the task easier. He makes us stronger. and it's true. I am a strong person to deal with all the things that I deal with between my pain, spasms, seeing Jorma in his boxers, going to all these doctor's appointments. I was telling people at my church that yesterday at cross roads they were telling me to write my testimony and I can save people with it, and after they read that they could say "if she can handle all that pain and spasm and still go to church so can I". So I will start working on it and when I am done with it I will have people edit it I know Steph won't want too because she is like that.
Praise You In This Storm
Casting Crowns 

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I'm with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

Chorus:
I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I'm with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

Chorus:

(2x's)
I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of Heaven and Earth

Chorus:

 

 

 

Another busy day

I am glad that I got a chance to talk with Dale about a new pca, and she told me to find a mature one who is married. Steph has cancled on me so many times, and its not fair for my mom. I want to see if barns and noble is hiring, if they are I want to work there or some where else where I would enjoy it. I would have my pca get me up and ready and when I was done I would have them come back make me dinner. My mom wants me working at Market Basket, but that wouldn't be fun for me. I'd rather work some place where I would enjoy it and not hate it. I want a pca who likes to read and do puzzle books, I love to read and doing puzzle books. Steph is a great worker but we really don't have anything in common, she won't come into the library or barns and noble. It's not easy being disabled and having pca's who don't have anything in common with you. Siira my oldest niece before she went to visit Florida she loved being here but then all her friends wanted her back there so last January she moved back there. It's not easy being me, between loosing my dad at 16 I use to be able to walk on a walker, do my own showers and I was allot closer to Suvi. I am glad that I was able to talk to Dale about a pca, I didn't want to talk to my mom about it because I knew she wouldn't like it. 
This afternoon I went to the cross roads care and I had fun I won 2 dunkin donuts gift cards, there are $5 each. I am happy, that I went. I went all around to the different places, and I get to go to PT and get my back worked on, I know that will help. The PT that I'm going too she's known me ever since I was little so it will be good. On the way back Steph was quiet and Jamie her cousin she takes cares of a elderly woman and her son goes to my church, and her son told Jamie that I was looking for a new pca. Steph and I don't have anything in common, she's busy planning her wedding and she doesn't like coming into the library or barns and noble. I'm looking for a volunteer job or even a paid job and I know that either way Steph will leave. While I was there someone told me that I should write my testimony and carry it with me and I can save people that way. Dawn my best friend called me and I was telling her that I want to go back to school and become a social worker and she said that I should go back and then get a job at MHS and if public school wants to take a student out of MHS I will show the picture of when I was able to walk on a walker and do my showers. Dawn encourages me to do things for myself such as go back to school and become a social worker. I am going to call Ann my dds worker on Monday and see if she can first find me a job and help me get to Monty Tech in the fall. After Steph gets married she's going to have kids and move on with her life so I need to move on with my life. I know my mom wants me in a day program and taking anti depressants but that's not who I am. It does help to talk with Dawn, my sisters have no idea what it's like to be disabled and to live in this pain. I miss when I could do things myself, my mom only seems to care about my showers. 
My body is spasming right now and it's hurting allot too, I have the botox evaluation this up coming Wednesday I hope that she can do it soon. It's going to rain tomorrow, when it changes weather my body doesn't like it. My tone is worse too, I hope my new chair the foot plate is better than the one that I have now. I hate when my back gets hot, my life isn't easy. I miss having a boyfriend, when Chris and I were dating he would call me at nights and he was able to keep me calm. Tomorrow at horizon there is a guy who I think is cute, and he loves Jesus too but I'm to shy to go say hi to him maybe God will give me the courage to go ask his name. I don't like how Jamie is coming because I know the reason why it's to find out who I told that I'm looking for a new pca. When Steph was driving home from church she didn't look happy and I want to know who told Jamie that I was looking for a new pca. I was telling Dawn that she's always in a rush to leave from here too, Dawn said that I need to find a pca who likes doing crafts like Siira use too and who likes dogs. Steph really doesn't like animals but Lacy is a huge part of my life, she got me to accept my colostomy when I didn't want to accept my colostomy. So the pca needs to like dogs, Siira and Dale they loved Lacy and who couldn't love her she's so cute. When I come home from somewhere she goes nuts, when I leave she always looks sad. Dale was telling me yesterday that Mary loves Lacy allot and she's always talking about her too.
Today when I was at cross roads I was telling people how I came to Christ, after I turned 21 I began to drink and swear and I was raised Lutheran. I was telling them how I do relay for life in memory of my dad every June. Even though my dad had the cancer he still lived and I am thankful that he taught me how to live. I don't like to depend on anyone, then I got on the subject how God uses my disabilities to help other disabled people go to MHS. Dawn and and I were talking about it this afternoon and I was telling her how I was in the life skills program at FHS and I didn't learn anything. I know if my dad was alive he would have kept me at MHS, but now I'm able to help other disabled parents to get their disabled kids out of public school and into MHS. They told me that I need to write down all the things that have had happened to me and that will inspire allot of people, the guy at the library who once saw me and said "you need to have faith" and I was tempted to say "you hardly know me and I have allot of faith". Steph and other people have told me if my sisters would have gone through all the things that I've gone through they would have given up. It's sad to see Suvi marry someone who doesn't like going to church, he likes to drink same like Jorma. I have allot of faith, I amaze allot of people at church and every where I go. I don't let my disabilities stop me and why should I? my dad went skiing and he did allot even though he had stage 3 colon cancer. I miss going skiing but 4 years ago I broke my t2 in my back and my femur too, so I don't want to make that mistake again. I was telling them that my mom needs prayer, when Jorma left for a few days we woke up later and at night when she put me to bed she didn't need to shut the door. It creeps me out to see him walk around in his boxers at nights so I face the other way. It makes me miss my dad when I see him walk around in his boxers, I wish my dad would have gotten the colostomy but Finnish people are very stubborn. At MHS when I disobeyed the doctors and God and now my back is always tight I wish I would have listened to the doctors and God. One thing that I'll never do again is drink, in 2007 my mom and Jorma went to Finland and Dawn and I had a party and Dale came home and she saw the vodka bottles in the kitchen. That same summer, our friend Jenny came from New York and we went to the bar down the street. I haven't drank in 4 years and I never will again, it was at shake a leg and I remember going to the bar but not coming back from the bar. I am glad that I went to the Christian coffee house and got saved that was the best thing that ever has happened to me depending on God more than doctors and anti depressants  
Mountain Of God
Third Day 
Thought that I was all alone
Broken and afraid
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

And I didn't even know
That I had lost my way
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me

‘Til You opened up my eyes
I never knew
That I couldn't ever make it
Without You

Even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who's gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God

As I travel on the road
That You have lead me down
You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me
I have need for nothing more
Oh, now that I have found
That You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me

I confess from time to time
I lose my way
But You are always there
To bring me back again

Sometimes I think of where it is I've come from
And the things I've left behind
But of all I've had, what I possessed
Nothing can quite compare
With what's in front of me
With what's in front of me

Tonight I went to barns and noble :)

Tonight I'm going to my favorite place on a Friday night barns and noble even though my mom doesn't like when I go, but she goes out with her friends and I stay in the house for way to long. When I have friends over she doesn't like that either, I need some human interaction. Like I've said before if I wasn't disabled I wouldn't be in the house every night, I need to live too. God could call me home and I want to live life and not be stuck in the house. Tomorrow when I go to the cross roads cares things and there will be a guy there and I know my mom won't like if he takes me out but I need to live too. My two sisters who live close to me they're always out and I need to live too. I see Dale sometimes at barns and noble and we talk, and then we get desert 
Jorma makes me laugh because when he passes my room he always looks in here, he always walks around here with a grumpy face to him he needs Jesus so does my mom. A person without Jesus their lives aren't happy, when I wasn't walking with God Ellen even said that when I was going to see her before I was born again I wasn't happy. I always depended on anti depressants and now I depend on God more than anti depressants. I know my family would like me to be on them but I don't want to be on them because I don't want to do anything when I'm on them. The anti depressant that the doctor put me on it did nerve damage to my hand and now I need botox in that hand.
I went to barns and noble, while Steph and I were sitting outside my mom came back from her walk and she told Steph "can you do her laundry? because I am going out tonight" but my mom is also my pca and she should be doing some of the job but she won't she only wants to do the easy things and I need the courage to tell her "since you are also my pca you need to do some of the work such as my laundry and not always have it on Steph" I know that she would get mad but she's also my pca and she needs to do some of the work too. I went to barns and noble and I went shopping around and I forgot about my disabilities. I saw Dale there and I was telling her that Steph is getting married and I need and want to find another pca who likes the things that I like doing. On the way home Jorma always puts the mirror up so that he doesn't need to see me and he really reminds me of a woman I want to move out of here. I am burnt out by my mom and Jorma, my mom likes talking on the phone and not interacting with me. I wish I lived in the town over its Leominster and they don't have all these bad streets and they have a nice library and it's nicer. But my mom likes living in Fitchburg and I really wish that I could move out of here, I'm sick of Jorma and his mood swings. Dale had a friend with her and I was telling her friend when Dale first started to work with me I was swearing and had half naked men on my wall and when it was her timing to go I had bible verses and positive quotes and my music changed too. It's amazing how God can change one life, I also told Dale that my mom disappointed me when she let Jorma move back in and it made me sad too.
Tomorrow I am going to cross roads and they are having a heath fair, and there is a guy there that Steph is going to set me up with. Dale told me that he needs allot of prayer with me, I have clean fun. When Steph and I were sitting outside earlier today we got on the subject of Chris, I was with him for a year and half. Last January he went into the hospital and when he came back he broke up with me and didn't give me a reason for it. Bryan he lies to me all the time, I don't want to date a disabled guy. I bet if Doug that's his name and I start dating then Chris and Bryan aren't going to like that especially Bryan he's still in love with me and I don't love him anymore. I know when I go to cross roads Jay the main usher will warn people "watch out for her she'll run you over and she's not a good driver" the born again churches are always joking around with me and I don't mind. I hope that Doug and I work out, I've been single for a year and half and it's not easy, as I've said before all my sisters are married and now Steph is getting married. I will like being out of the house, today flew by so did this whole week. I like having busy days they make me less focused on my disabilities. Tonight when I was at barns and noble there was a guy there who has MS (multiple sclerosis) he works there. I was telling him about my disabilities and I like to go to barns and noble to forget about them. I want to start dating again and start getting out of the house more at nights, I know my mom won't like it but I need to live too. I get bored being here at nights, I will ask him not to take my wheelchair and if he's strong enough to take me in his car. I see my chair every morning, so it would be nice if he could take me out of my chair. My mom won't like if he comes here to hang out, two weeks ago when I wanted to have Steph and Lauren here and watch a movie she said "why can't you go out?". A while ago Dale was telling me that my mom and my sister Maiju didn't like how I was laying in bed with Chris but Maiju is fine with my mom sleeping in the same bed as Jorma. Steph told me that if she sees him give my number to him and I give mine to him that she'll do my dad's job and tease me. I am sure that he'll get a good laugh in heaven, and if he was here the first date that he would take me on he would tease me.  
Everything Good
Ashes Remain 
You are oxygen
On a late night drive 
To clear my head when hope has passed me by 
You are gravity
When I'm upside down 
You help me find my way back to the ground 
And this is why 

(Chorus)
You're everything good, everything true 
When all the world is fading, You're everything new 
You are my eyes, when I can't see 
When all the world is broken, You will always be 
Everything good 

You are all I have, and all I need 
And all I am is what You've made of me 
And this is why 

Chorus

You're everything good to me 
You're everything that I need
And this is why...

Chorus

I've got a few busy days ahead of me

I really don't like how controlling my mom is, it's like when I'm here she doesn't want me but when I'm gone she wants me here. She wants me in a day program, it makes me feel very unwanted by her and it's not a good feeling. I don't even want to talk to her anymore, she upsets me allot. She doesn't want to do my laundry, change my sheets or do much of anything she wants Steph to do all of that but she's also my pca. She'll do my showers sometimes but not all the time she excepts Steph to do everything and it's not fair for Steph. So we're going to the mall in Nashua New Hampshire, I wish that I was needed more in her life but I'm not, I do know that she loves me but I wish that she would show it to me. I'm in my room allot and she doesn't understand that it upsets me when I'm in my room all the time. I'll go to the library after the mall, I finished my Joel Osteen book and it was good, so now I need to get more books that's how I spend my nights since my mom sits in the living room or watches the Finnish news upstairs with Jorma. I love to read, my mom said when I was little I loved to read I like Christian non fiction and fiction books.
So Steph and her brother and his friend and I went to the salmond pond mall, I saw the Lindt chocolate store and I love chocolate in general. On the way home Steph kept saying my name wrong and it got so annoying too, I was also saying her brothers name wrong too and she kept telling me "your saying his name wrong" so I stayed quiet after that. I went to the library and got books for myself and it was nice to get out of the house. I got another tan, my mom and Steph are jealous that I tan so quickly. After I went to the library I went to get some food for myself and right when I got home my mom said "I'm going upstairs to rest"
When I went to the salmond pond mall today I was in the food court and I saw this boy who had CP I was telling the boy's mom to take him out of public school and put him into MHS before high school. I was telling her how I went there and I did sports such as basket ball, track, swimming and I did horse back riding. She said that she's going too look into it, I am happy that she will look into it, public school is okay but they don't teach anything good all they taught me was all the easy classes and I was bored there. I think that's my purpose in life is to tell parents about MHS and to get them into MHS. If I had to do it all over again I would, I had so much fun there we went to Cape Cod and we had student council the seniors went to Disney. I bet if my dad was alive he wouldn't have let me come back to public schools, I go every where myself. I like going to barns and noble every Friday and getting away from here, there are shops that I can get around too. Tomorrow night when I go I need to look for new bones for Lacy and new cookies too, the ones she has now she really doesn't like them. I see my friend Shawn sometimes I see Dave too, and I try to tell them that I have a halo but they tell me only in my dreams I have one. I see Dale there too, my friend Beka said in the summer she'll be able to meet me there :).
I am going to like having busy days, tomorrow I am going to barns and noble, on Saturday I'm going to cross roads and their having a cross roads care day. There will be a guy there that Steph is going to play match maker with, his name is Doug I know if I start dating him then Bryan is going to send me a text or call me and tell me that I belong with him. When Chris sees that I'm dating I bet he won't like that either. I will enjoy having a few busy days, it will keep my mind focused on other things than my disabilities and I won't be stuck in the house. Steph said that if she sees us giving each others numbers then she'll tease both of us. My mom and Jorma they go out with their friends on a Friday night I know my mom wants me to stay here but I stay in allot. I am going to call my dds worker and see if she found me a volunteer job, I know my mom wants her to find me a paid job at Market Basket. But two day's ago when Steph wasn't able to come in the morning she asked me "why don't you go in a day program?". I was telling Steph what my mom said and I told Steph that I'd get bored sitting in one I don't mind volunteering. II am thankful that my colostomy happened when it did, because I was supposed to be in a day program where they had PT. I will be excited if I get a boyfriend, I'll need one for relay for life and other things. But relay for life it's the hardest thing that I deal with in June. When I see the sun go down that's when the tears come but it heals me too. Steph was saying that this year we are doing the whole 24 hours of it. I need to start raising the money for it soon, I will ask the Lutheran church and my aunts and uncles I won't ask Maiju or Suvi to donate money or come because I know they won't do either. Christian my oldest nephew is graduating from middle school some time in June so I'm not asking them to come. I am looking forward to my busy days, then on Sunday is church it's going to rain that day but if I stay in my day will be long because my mom and Jorma they call their family in Finland & Sweden and I get stuck in my room.
Lift Me Up
The Alters 
You lift me up with your love (x3)
You lift me up

Waiting for the sunrise
Waiting for the day
Waiting for a sign
That I'm where You want me to be

You know my heart is heavy
And the hurt is deep
But when I feel like giving up
You're reminding me
That we all fall down sometimes
But when I hit the ground

(Chorus)
You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me 
So I'm letting go
You lift me up when I can't see
Your heart is all that I need
Your love carries me 
So I'm letting go

You lift me up with your love (x3)
You lift me up

I know I'm not perfect
I know I make mistakes
I know that I have let you down
But You love me the same

And when I'm surrounded
When I lose my way
When I'm crying out and falling down
You are here to 

Chorus

I can see the dawn is breaking
I am feeling overtaken with Your love
With Your love
I don't know what I can offer
In this moment I surrender to Your love
To your love

You lift me up when I am weak
Your arms wrap around me
Your love catches me so I'm letting go

Chorus

I can see the dawn is breaking
I am feeling overtaken with Your love, with Your love

You lift me up with Your love (x3)
You lift me up