church was today

I am so sick of my mom not listening to me, last night I needed to be rolled and once again she ignored me. My back is so sore right now and it's not fair, I wouldn't do it to her if she was me. But I think it's Jorma who tells her "ignore her she's fine", I cannot wait to move out of here and leave them two alone and get the heck out of here. Yesterday when I was coming home from barns and noble, Jorma wouldn't drive or even look at me he really reminds me of a child. I need to move out and forget about them two they are going to move to Florida anyway so I am calling dds tomorrow and asking if she has found me a place so that I can get the heck out of here and take Lacy too. I can't live here anymore, there is to much stress and tension too.I really wish that he knew how to forgive but he doesn't, and if my whole family call themselves Christians they should forgive me. I know that Maiju will call my new family and tell them all the bad things that I've done but I want a fresh new start to forget about my past and move on. I didn't like how Maiju brought up my past to Stephanie that upset me but what do they care? they are always going to be like that and it's too bad. The second you ask God for his forgiveness he gives it to you but people won't forgive you that fast and it's too bad. I'm just burnt out, there is no love here and the enemy lives here too and I'm sick of it, my mom and Jorma they don't laugh. I was reading the Lutheran paper and it's crazy how they say things I am so glad that I'm no longer a Lutheran.

My colostomy was leaking and my mom got all bent out of shape and when she was wiping it she said "it got all over my hands" she was telling me not use so much of the do derm and that Stephanie should cut it into little pieces and not into a big piece. I rolled my eyes and when I went into the bathroom I had a seizure, they come from stress since there is allot of here between my mom and I, and Jorma. I can't do it anymore, it's getting to be way to much. My mom doesn't need or want me around either does Jorma that's why I am hoping to move out soon. Tomorrow I am calling dds to see if they can get me out of here, there is no happiness here my mom and Jorma they only act happy but behind closed doors they really aren't. They really aren't a happy couple, I see it Jorma tells her what do every day. Jorma has done allot of damage to my mom and I, she use to want to do things with me but now she doesn't. She's so busy with him, I've asked them if I could go walking with them and they always say "no" and when I ask them if I can go shopping with them my mom really takes me, but it's Jorma who doesn't want me around. He only wants my sisters because they don't take up my mom's time and they can do allot for themselves but I need her. Last December when I was telling Siira that I want to move out he said "you'll never be able to move out, because you need your mommy". I know today after church I will talk to someone and they'll make me feel better about myself.

I went to Horizon today and I got talking with the worship leader and I was telling him how my family won't forgive my past he said that they really aren't Christian's then. I said "they hold grudges against me and my mom's boyfriend won't forgive me either will my mom" and that's when he said that they really aren't true Christians then. It's true, I hate the looks that I get from Jorma it makes me feel bad about myself when he looks at me like that. When I came back from church today he gave me a look, even yesterday when my mom and him picked me up from banrs and noble he wouldn't drive so he wouldn't need to look at me and he really reminds me of child, he is 60 but he doesn't act it, instead he acts like a child. I need to move out of here and forget about my mom and him. My mom gives my sisters time and Jorma but when it comes to me she doesn't. A month ago when the lady from dds came and she was asking me do I get seizures and my mom said "no she doesn't" but she never spends time with me, she's so busy with everyone else. It gets stressful and annoying at the same time too, if she was in my postion I would give her time but I now know where I belong in her life, and it's not here. When I came home from church Lacy was the only happy one to see me and it made me feel loved and wanted.

Tomorrow, Stephanie and I are going to go to Monty Tech so we can start classes there in September, I want to become a social worker to help disabled people. So that in public schools they'll get treated better, when I was at Fitchburg high they took away pt and told me that I would never get any where. That whole year was a waste of my time and Suvi was there and she was with the group that drank on weekends. I am also going to call dds tomorrow to see if a place for me at a shared living place has opened up for me, I can't live here anymore there is way to much stress here and my mom doesn't need me she has Jorma and my sisters and the phone. So I'm really not needed so I will move on and I know that she'll move to Florida and I do know that Stephanie wants to get her cna licensee so she'll move on and I know that she'll come visit me. Maiju won't, Suvi and Brad are going to move down to Florida after Brad graduates from his computer class. I am hoping that I will get a boyfriend soon, I miss having one and I really want one too. I know that God will give me one in his timing so I will be patience.

pictures :)

Tonight I am going to barns and noble, I am first going to Kimballs with Stephanie and her family then to barns and noble tonight. I don't like being here there is so much tension and when I was baby sitting the girls last night Jorma gave me a look when I was texting Stephanie. It will be nice to be out for the whole day and get out of here, I wish my mom wanted to do things with me. But Jorma doesn't want her to spend time with me and it makes me sad, the other day when I invited her to sit outside with me and she didn't that hurt me, she would do it for everyone else but me. I wouldn't do that to her, she's no longer happy with me and it gets frustrating she no longer smiles or laughs with me and if she would it make my life easier. I can't go to her and tell her how frustrated I am because she says that's complaining and when Nancy our family friend said that I should stop complaining I wanted to say "so everyone else can go to her but when it comes to me I can't?" but oh well I have, Dawn, Kayley, Stephanie, Becca, Natilee, who will listen to me. I didn't end up going to Kimballs we went to a birthday party and that was fun I got out of the house.


I really want a good Christian guy who will look past my wheelchair, past my disabilities and who will want to spend time with me. When I see my sisters with their husbands I want to be them and when I see my mom and Jorma I wish I had a boyfriend. I don't want someone who lives far away, I know this kid Anothy wants to date me but we have nothing in common I never hung out with him at MHS, I want a boyfriend who will go to church with me and do things after church. Last Sunday when I was at Maiju's and I saw Suvi and Brad together it brought tears to my eyes. When I see them two together it makes me sad because I always thought that I would be the first one to be married before Suvi. As I said in the past her wedding was the hardest thing for me. I had Chris and when I felt like nothing I called him and he said "I love you for you", I am not sure why that happened that all of sudden he stopped loving me. Chris really helped me and I wish that he would explain to me why did he suddenly break up with me that would be nice but he won't. I wrote him an email last week and he won't respond to that and I wish that he would but oh well it's his loss.

I went to barns and noble and I read 60 pages in my book the sister hood of the traveling pants, I'll probably be done tomorrow. I will go to church just because I don't want to turn out like my mom or sister Suvi. So I will go, my friend Dara is going to ask if her church if someone would want to do it out of friendship or would they like to be my pca, either way is fine. I miss the alter calls, I do like the music though anything is better than the Lutheran and if only my sisters would try it for one Sunday but they are so caught up in religon, I felt bad for my nephew Christian how he had to go through all these classes just to take communion when I went to his confirmation I couldn't take communion because I never took the classes. I wanted to say "where does that say it in the bible that you need to take all these confirmation classes to take communion?". I am so glad that I'm no longer a Lutheran they have no life to them. But when I was at barns and noble I read 60 pages I can read between 60 and 100 pages, the other night I read 100 pages and it's amazing how I can read that many pages. When I was at FHS and they put my reading level as 5th grader they knew nothing about me just like my whole family how they know nothing about me either.

I need prayer

My back is so sore right now, I miss when I could roll myself. When I was at MHS I use to be able to do allot more for myself but when I went into public school they took away pt they said it wasn't important. I got weaker and by the end of the year I was ful time pca and when I started at FHS I was part time. They kept teaching me the basics such as easy math and all this other junk. That whole year was a waste of my time and I wish that I never went there, Suvi was there and she was in the "cool" group where they drank and partied at nights. Now Suvi only comes here on her breaks and that's it and she doesn't spend time with me at all, she got made when I fired her but she used me to pay for her wedding. When I found out she was getting married it upset me because I wouldn't have done that to her and when I found that out it hurt me allot, I wish I could put her in my shoe's as well as my other sisters to show them what it's like to be disabled. that's what I am writing in my book right now, what it's like to be disabled and have all your sisters be married.
Where does the time go? July flew by, it seems like the weeks do to. It's crazy how it's almost August first I knew I was dating Chris and I still had Siira. Siira went to go visit Florida in January and after that she wanted to move back there. Also in January Chris broke up with me, I kind of miss him. I am hoping that God will have a boyfriend for me before Christmas a real Christian who doesn't drink, or swear. I stopped drinking when I became born again 3 years ago, I like the born again churches better than the Lutheran they are more upbeat. Every one is more cheerful and more fun, my mom she doesn't really laugh with me. I can't believe that it's been 3 years that I've become a born again Christian, when I go to the Christmas Eve Service's at the Lutheran it's kind of like "I'll just take a nap now". I also can't believe that it's been 7 years that I got my colostomy and Lacy will turn 7 on February 25th and my colostomy will turn 7 on November 2nd. Imagine one minute your in bed and then the next minute you're in the hospital and you don't know what the heck happened. But God kept me alive and he's kept me alive through so many things and I am so grateful for having him in my life, I don't want to know where I would be without him. Probably still drinking and swearing and not going to church and probably taking anti depressants and not depending on God and Lacy.
I really hope that I can move out of here soon I wish my mom would interact with me but she doesn't and probably never will. I know that when I am all settled at my new home my mom and Jorma are going to move to Florida. That's why Lacy needs to come with me because she'd probably end up back in an animal shelter and that wouldn't be fair, I've had her since she was a baby. I know Maiju my oldest sister wants my mom to put me in nursing home just to get rid of me and out of their lives so they can forget about me but when I move out they ptobably will forget about me. I know that Maiju and the kids won't come visit me, Maiju had me baby sit Hailey and Ella and when they picked them up Bret their dad didn't even say "hi" to me, he just looked at me. He's made fun of my tatoo before he told me the reason why I have 3:16 because I don't know the time and I need it written on my arm.
I've asked my friend Dara to ask someone from her church that was like cross roads if there would be anyone who could take me there on Sunday's, horizon is kind of slow and they don't have alter calls. At cross roads Pastor Bryan would say "if you're dealing with this come down to the alter", I also liked how at cross roads you could go down to the alter and worship and that's what I miss there. But one good thing at horizon they have this once a month worship service and I am hoping and praying that it is this Monday night and I like it. They play all my favorite songs and I can feel the holy spirit there too so that's also a good thing as well. I like the born again worship services and I never thought that I would like worship music until I went there and now I love it. I have allot of good music on my ipod and my phone, I will listen to my ipod when I am around the house but when I am out I will listen to my phone it has a mp3 player.

:-/

I am so uncomfortable right now, and I've tried to get my mom's attention and Jorma is the kitchen but he won't get her attention. I am going to tell her that I need the hospital bed it will make both of our lives easier that way she doesn't need to get up in the middle of the night and fix me. If she says "no" I will say "you're just making your life harder on yoiurself the hospital bed would make your life allot easier". Even Kristin the nurse said that it would help me, I have the acid refulx amd that would help me. But my mom wants to make her life harder that's her problem. Last night she came and turned me and my drink fell and she said "stupid thing". I'm not sure what the heck I did to her I kind of know what I did on Saturday when I stood up for myself because Jorma was being an idiot as usual and I was going into the kitchen to put a water bottle back in the fridge he closed the fridge on me and it got so frustrating. My mom would stand up for Suvi and my other sisters but when it comes to me she really doesn't and it gets very frustrating. She will never be on my side and I wish she was once, it makes me feel unwanted and unloved. It's not a good feeling, I wish I could go to her and explain why I'm frustrated but Nancy said on Sunday "you could help your mom out by not complaining to her that much".
I really want a boyfriend, who could take me out and hang out with me at nights. Stephanie is liking this guy Chad from church and I want someone to like me, I know that Bryan likes me but he's to immature he tells me all the time "I got accpeted to Fitchburg State" but he really didn't and I roll my eyes. I wonder what it's like to be Suvi or my other sisters who have husbands, can you imagine going to your youngest sister's wedding? that was so strange going there. When Brad and Suvi came in the door and they said "Welcome Mr.& Mrs.Hills" The tears came down my face, when Suvi comes here on her break and I see her wedding ring it makes me sad. I could have married Bryan but I didn't want too, I sent the enegament ring back to him and I personally didn't care. He would always lie to me and I got sick of it, I know that he wants me back in his life, but I don't want him. I want a born again Christian guy who loves the Lord, and who will see past my wheelchair and love me for me.
So this morning when Stephanie and I were getting ready to go out I had a seizure and I crashed into the closet and my joy stick bent upwards and I asked my mom to give me some cough medication and when she saw my joy stick bent like that. She got all bent out of shape and it wasn't my fault, I had two seizures today one at home and then one when I went to Morning Star with Stephanie and when I had one there I kept going into a circle and I hate when I have the seizures, my mom says I don't have them. But she's never around me anyway. But when my mom saw my joy stick and I told her that I am going to call Chris my wheelchair guy and she said "he said he won't fix the chair insurance said they won't fix it anymore because you're due for a new chair". I am going to call him tomorrow and ask him if he can fix my joy stick because I had a seizure and I crashed into the closet by mistake. I really hope they can find something to get rid of these seizures that I am having they are getting worse and I hate when they happen, it can get dangerous. But when Stephanie and I got home we watched Soul Surfer and how the girl never gave up what she loved doing even though she lost her arm. I am writing a book and so far in my note book I've written allot :)
I really hope that dds can find me a shared livng place soon because I can't take living here anymore, my mom really isn't happy. Yesterday when I asked her to sit outside with me and she didn't that made me feel really unwanted by her. I was telling that to Stephanie today that when she did that to me it hurt my feelings, it makes me miss my dad. I was always with him and he would come visit me at MHS and we did allot together but he taught me how to live. I remember on December 22nd I was in his hospital room I told him "you can go home now, you taught me enough and I will never forget you" this past June when I did the relay for life in memory of him and it wasn't easy. I cried the whole 6 hours that I was there, but crying is a good thing. Finnish people usually don't cry they hold all their emotions in, and they hold grudges against you. Such as Jorma, and my whole family. On July 5th when I got stuck in the sand and I had to be rushed to Leominster Hospital Maiju called Stephanie and told her all my past. I wish that my family would let go of the past but they don't know how too and they never will know how too.

:)

The things I go through make me stronger between Jorma giving me these "I hate you looks" then when I roll away he rolls his eyes. Yesterday when I couldn't find my medication he rolled his eyes when I rolled away, I want a camera to show my sister's what he is really like. Another struggle I go through is my mom not interacting with me, she's so busy with her life at nights I always want a fast forward button I always want it to be 10:30 so that I can be in bed and not stuck in my room. Another struggle I go through is my pain and spasms those get stressful allot! I hate when my back spasms the worst that hurts the most, I always need to put an ice bottle behind my back to flatten the tendon. When I was at MHS, I disobeyed the doctor's and God I over did it with the sports, I was mad at the cancer so I took it out on the sports and when I would play basketball I would pretend the hoops were the cancer and I would aim it at that. I go through all these struggles but God pulls me through them and if more people depened on him the world would be a better place but the world depends on every thing else they turn to drinking and I will never pick up another drink, drinking isn't fun.
My bladder is so sore, Thank God the visiting nurse is coming today. Her name is Kristin and she's funny and she knows how to work with me such as Donna at Lahey, the things I go through in a day it's amazing how I do it. I have God on my side so he's always there for me, if it wasn't for him I would be drinking and swearing. I am glad that I quit all that, drinking isn't as fun as, one minute you know what you're doing then the next minute you're drunk! But it's cool how God has these nurses who know how to work with me good and who joke around with me too. They distract me from when they need to do their job but it's good because other wise I would probably scream, they love to joke around with me and that's okay I like to joke around with them too. I can't have serious people in my life, everyone at Horizon they are always joking around with me so it's a good thing :) As I said before, the Lutheran's they don't joke around their more dead at that church and I am so glad that I've moved on. There's not allot of young people there. I like when people joke around with me and not be serious all the time. That gets boring, Dale is also the only born again Christian in her family, her brother told her that she was going to hell because she left the faith.
When Kristin came today I was telling her why I change my room around so much it's because I am in here so much that I can't always have it the same. Tonight when I was reading outside I asked my mom to come outside when she was going to call my aunt but she never did. But if Suvi or Maiju or Jorma were out there she would sit out there with them. I was sitting outside with my mom and Jorma but I knew Jorma really didn't want me to sit out there with them. Lacy wanted to go sit outside and he said "Lacy can sit outside" and I knew he wanted to say "but you can't sit outside with us". It makes me feel unwanted and uncomfortable to be here, I was in the kitchen and he had to pass but he's to much of a baby to ask me to move and I would move but he's like that and I wish he would grow up but sadly he never will he doesn't know how too and probably never will either. He acts so different when I am around but when my sisters are around he is different and I wish they would see how different he really is how different he really is. In September when Maiju found my journal she said "oh he's so nice and you should treat him better" but he's a jerk and I wish they would see that but they won't and they never will!
The next few days are going to be busy, tomorrow Stephanie is here 9-5 and we'll go to the park, Friday night I am going to a worship service, Saturday I am going to Kimbals with Stephanie and her family. I like when I have a busy weekend it makes it go by faster. I can't believe that Sunday is the last day of July, where does the time go? I first knew it was January and I was still with Chris and now it's almost the end of July. Time flys when you're having fun but it's good. Tonight I read 90 pages I might read 10 more when I get in bed, I'll see how tired I am. When I go in the kitchen and bathroom the lights bother my eyes. At nights I always need to have only one light on, I take my meds at 10:00 and I need to wait half hour. I am excited that next Tuesday Stephanie is going to start sleeping here on Tuesday nights and she'll give my mom a break so that she can go upstairs, Siira use to do that too. On Wednesday's Stephanie can leave at 12 and get me all set for the library and I will take my book and go do my own thing. I don't see how my mom does it being followed every where and she never gets her own space and at times I feel bad for her but it's her own fault she could tell him she needs her own time but I think that she's scared of him

a very long day

I had to get up at 7am, I was so tired. Stephanie got me in bed at 10:45 then I finished blogging. My mom came down around 11:30 and she turned me. I was so tired so was Stephanie, we got to umass at 8:45 and the girl who was doing my eeg she was a born again Christian and we got talking about God and what he's done in my life. Last night when Stephanie  was here she was in my room doing her own thing and I liked it I wasn't alone in my room like I am when my mom is here. Imagine sitting in your room all alone every night doing the same thing every night, and your mom is more willing to do things with your sisters or Jorma. I'm just sick of being her only option when everyone else is her proity and it was nice to have Stephanie just sit in here she didn't need to be right next me but just to just be in here it was a nice company. I wish my mom would sit in here but she never will, so it's my time to move on and get the heck out of here and leave my mom and Jorma alone.
Jorma reminds me of a child, because if I am in the kitchen he won't come in there. I see him waiting in the dinning room and he is 60 years old but he acts like a child and I wish that he would grow up but sadly he never will. My mom told me that he had a appointment at umass today and he's such a baby that he needs my mom all the time. If I could drive I would go places myself but I can't drive, it just makes me laugh how he is grown up but always needs a mommy to go with him. I want to say "grow up, you don't always need my mom.". My mom is there for my sisters, Jorma, but when I needed her at umass a month ago she didn't come and it gets very annoying because she'll stop and do everything for them but when it comes to me she won't and I wish that she would. I need to move out and forget about them two, I wish my mom would sit in my room but she won't and she never will because she's so busy with everyone else. Jorma gives me these looks like he hates me or something and he really reminds me of a kid.
I cannot wait to sleep at Dawn's that will be trouble in one town and one apartment complex, Stephanie will be with me all weekend. I am sure on Friday night we probably will stay up and take some funny pictures. Justin is on Dawn's facebook, I met Justin at camp and he is creepy. When I go on his face book page I can feel the enemy on his page. Stephanie gets the chills when she see's a sticker if someone is in a cult. Jorma will love that weekend because I won't be here, he acts like a 12 year old when he is a 60 year old. It's time for him to grow up and stop depending on my mom. But I am excited to get out of Mass for the weekend and get out of my house too, I spend way to much here. Tomorrow if Stephanie isn't feeling good I will go to the library. I am also going to call the group home place to see if I can volunteer there to help out Alycia so that she doesn't depend on others but to help herself. I will bring my water bottles and bring the drink packets and show her how easy it is to do things by herself and not to depend on everyone else but to do things for yourself and learn how to do things. 
Next month will be 3 years that I've been born again and it's been the best thing that has ever happen to me. When I wasn't a born again Christian I use to swear so much and listen to all this bad music and on my phone it's now all worship and all good music and I listen to a Christian radio station. I will never give up on God and my dad would be proud of me that I never gave up on God and I never will, because without God in my life it's dull. But with God I am happier, I am still waiting for the born again Christian, I was talking to a friend from MHS and he doesn't go to church and I only want guys who fully love God. I don't want to end up like Suvi or my mom, I don't know if Suvi's really happy or did she just want to get married because my sisters are married that part I will never know and she'll probably never tell me either. We've gotten more distance since she got married. Last year when Siira told me that she was getting married I knew I was getting used to I fired Suvi I wouldn't have done that to her. Suvi's busy with Brad and her sister in law Kelly. But getting back to being born again I don't swear allot any more all my music is better and my whole life is better now that I fully gave my heart to Jesus.

tired and eeg tomorrow

Last night my mom came and rolled me thank GOD I was so uncomfortable. But I could tell she was annoyed but it's not my fault that I can't turn myself, I would if I could but I can't. I need to move out of here, my mom told Pam that when I get into shared living and I am all set she is moving to Florida with Jorma and then I know that Maiju won't come visit me. I feel unwanted in my family, yesterday seeing Suvi and Brad there it made me sad and I wanted to be like Suvi because seeing the wedding ring on her finger it makes me sad. I am the only one who isn't married and everyone else has a life but me. I need to move out and get a life on my own when I am with my sisters I feel so different because they are all married and I'm not and it's really not a good feeling and I wish I could tell them that but they would say that I'm complaining but I'm not. I wish they knew the real me behind my wheelchair but all they see is my wheelchair and disabilities and I really wish that they would stop looking at my disabilities and wheelchair and look and see past them.
Tomorrow I have an eeg my neurologist thinks that I am getting seizures, my mom said that I don't get them but she's not around me enough to see them she's so busy with Jorma and everyone else that she doesn't have time to sit with me. But I hate when I get them everything goes numb and I go into a blank stare and I don't realize anything and it scares Stephanie, I hate when they happen too they scare me. When I go out on my own that's when they scare Stephanie the most, I hate when they happen, I am hoping that they can find something and give me some medication to stop them. Stephanie is going to sleep over I have to be at umass by 9am and it would be easier for Stephanie to sleep over. The things that I go through but they make me stronger even though they are hard on me but I know that God is with me and he'll never leave me.
August 12th,13,14 Stephanie and I are going to Dawns and we are bringing Lacy too. I know that weekend we won't get any sleep, we will but we'll probably have late nights. I am sure that Dawn will talk about our past and what we use to do, and thank God we stopped. Tonight Stephanie is going to sleep over because I have an eeg tomorrow and we need to leave here by 8 and she is going to wake me up at 7am. I really hope that they can find something because I hate when I have them everything goes numb and I black out, my mom however doesn't believe that I have them but I do. So many people have seen me have them and if my mom spent more time with me she would realize them but she's so busy with her life and every thing else and I'm just her option and I'm sick of it.
I hope that I can get into shared living soon, I don't like living here I don't like how one day Jorma is really nice to me then the next day he isn't. I'm also burnt out by my mom she doesn't interact with me she would rather spend her time talking on the phone or spending time with Jorma. I need a change if I wasn't disabled I wouldn't be living here, there is nothing to do here anyway. I do the same thing every night my quotes, bible verses and that gets boring so it's my time to move and get out of here plus my mom told me in September and in March that she's burnt out by me so I will leave her alone and leave my family. Now that I know that my mom is going to move to Florida after I move out and Suvi will be leaving soon too after Brad graduates from his school of becoming a computer tech.