church was today

I am so sick of my mom not listening to me, last night I needed to be rolled and once again she ignored me. My back is so sore right now and it's not fair, I wouldn't do it to her if she was me. But I think it's Jorma who tells her "ignore her she's fine", I cannot wait to move out of here and leave them two alone and get the heck out of here. Yesterday when I was coming home from barns and noble, Jorma wouldn't drive or even look at me he really reminds me of a child. I need to move out and forget about them two they are going to move to Florida anyway so I am calling dds tomorrow and asking if she has found me a place so that I can get the heck out of here and take Lacy too. I can't live here anymore, there is to much stress and tension too.I really wish that he knew how to forgive but he doesn't, and if my whole family call themselves Christians they should forgive me. I know that Maiju will call my new family and tell them all the bad things that I've done but I want a fresh new start to forget about my past and move on. I didn't like how Maiju brought up my past to Stephanie that upset me but what do they care? they are always going to be like that and it's too bad. The second you ask God for his forgiveness he gives it to you but people won't forgive you that fast and it's too bad. I'm just burnt out, there is no love here and the enemy lives here too and I'm sick of it, my mom and Jorma they don't laugh. I was reading the Lutheran paper and it's crazy how they say things I am so glad that I'm no longer a Lutheran.

My colostomy was leaking and my mom got all bent out of shape and when she was wiping it she said "it got all over my hands" she was telling me not use so much of the do derm and that Stephanie should cut it into little pieces and not into a big piece. I rolled my eyes and when I went into the bathroom I had a seizure, they come from stress since there is allot of here between my mom and I, and Jorma. I can't do it anymore, it's getting to be way to much. My mom doesn't need or want me around either does Jorma that's why I am hoping to move out soon. Tomorrow I am calling dds to see if they can get me out of here, there is no happiness here my mom and Jorma they only act happy but behind closed doors they really aren't. They really aren't a happy couple, I see it Jorma tells her what do every day. Jorma has done allot of damage to my mom and I, she use to want to do things with me but now she doesn't. She's so busy with him, I've asked them if I could go walking with them and they always say "no" and when I ask them if I can go shopping with them my mom really takes me, but it's Jorma who doesn't want me around. He only wants my sisters because they don't take up my mom's time and they can do allot for themselves but I need her. Last December when I was telling Siira that I want to move out he said "you'll never be able to move out, because you need your mommy". I know today after church I will talk to someone and they'll make me feel better about myself.

I went to Horizon today and I got talking with the worship leader and I was telling him how my family won't forgive my past he said that they really aren't Christian's then. I said "they hold grudges against me and my mom's boyfriend won't forgive me either will my mom" and that's when he said that they really aren't true Christians then. It's true, I hate the looks that I get from Jorma it makes me feel bad about myself when he looks at me like that. When I came back from church today he gave me a look, even yesterday when my mom and him picked me up from banrs and noble he wouldn't drive so he wouldn't need to look at me and he really reminds me of child, he is 60 but he doesn't act it, instead he acts like a child. I need to move out of here and forget about my mom and him. My mom gives my sisters time and Jorma but when it comes to me she doesn't. A month ago when the lady from dds came and she was asking me do I get seizures and my mom said "no she doesn't" but she never spends time with me, she's so busy with everyone else. It gets stressful and annoying at the same time too, if she was in my postion I would give her time but I now know where I belong in her life, and it's not here. When I came home from church Lacy was the only happy one to see me and it made me feel loved and wanted.

Tomorrow, Stephanie and I are going to go to Monty Tech so we can start classes there in September, I want to become a social worker to help disabled people. So that in public schools they'll get treated better, when I was at Fitchburg high they took away pt and told me that I would never get any where. That whole year was a waste of my time and Suvi was there and she was with the group that drank on weekends. I am also going to call dds tomorrow to see if a place for me at a shared living place has opened up for me, I can't live here anymore there is way to much stress here and my mom doesn't need me she has Jorma and my sisters and the phone. So I'm really not needed so I will move on and I know that she'll move to Florida and I do know that Stephanie wants to get her cna licensee so she'll move on and I know that she'll come visit me. Maiju won't, Suvi and Brad are going to move down to Florida after Brad graduates from his computer class. I am hoping that I will get a boyfriend soon, I miss having one and I really want one too. I know that God will give me one in his timing so I will be patience.