Last night my mom came and rolled me thank GOD I was so uncomfortable. But I could tell she was annoyed but it's not my fault that I can't turn myself, I would if I could but I can't. I need to move out of here, my mom told Pam that when I get into shared living and I am all set she is moving to Florida with Jorma and then I know that Maiju won't come visit me. I feel unwanted in my family, yesterday seeing Suvi and Brad there it made me sad and I wanted to be like Suvi because seeing the wedding ring on her finger it makes me sad. I am the only one who isn't married and everyone else has a life but me. I need to move out and get a life on my own when I am with my sisters I feel so different because they are all married and I'm not and it's really not a good feeling and I wish I could tell them that but they would say that I'm complaining but I'm not. I wish they knew the real me behind my wheelchair but all they see is my wheelchair and disabilities and I really wish that they would stop looking at my disabilities and wheelchair and look and see past them.
Tomorrow I have an eeg my neurologist thinks that I am getting seizures, my mom said that I don't get them but she's not around me enough to see them she's so busy with Jorma and everyone else that she doesn't have time to sit with me. But I hate when I get them everything goes numb and I go into a blank stare and I don't realize anything and it scares Stephanie, I hate when they happen too they scare me. When I go out on my own that's when they scare Stephanie the most, I hate when they happen, I am hoping that they can find something and give me some medication to stop them. Stephanie is going to sleep over I have to be at umass by 9am and it would be easier for Stephanie to sleep over. The things that I go through but they make me stronger even though they are hard on me but I know that God is with me and he'll never leave me.
August 12th,13,14 Stephanie and I are going to Dawns and we are bringing Lacy too. I know that weekend we won't get any sleep, we will but we'll probably have late nights. I am sure that Dawn will talk about our past and what we use to do, and thank God we stopped. Tonight Stephanie is going to sleep over because I have an eeg tomorrow and we need to leave here by 8 and she is going to wake me up at 7am. I really hope that they can find something because I hate when I have them everything goes numb and I black out, my mom however doesn't believe that I have them but I do. So many people have seen me have them and if my mom spent more time with me she would realize them but she's so busy with her life and every thing else and I'm just her option and I'm sick of it.
I hope that I can get into shared living soon, I don't like living here I don't like how one day Jorma is really nice to me then the next day he isn't. I'm also burnt out by my mom she doesn't interact with me she would rather spend her time talking on the phone or spending time with Jorma. I need a change if I wasn't disabled I wouldn't be living here, there is nothing to do here anyway. I do the same thing every night my quotes, bible verses and that gets boring so it's my time to move and get out of here plus my mom told me in September and in March that she's burnt out by me so I will leave her alone and leave my family. Now that I know that my mom is going to move to Florida after I move out and Suvi will be leaving soon too after Brad graduates from his school of becoming a computer tech.
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