:)

The things I go through make me stronger between Jorma giving me these "I hate you looks" then when I roll away he rolls his eyes. Yesterday when I couldn't find my medication he rolled his eyes when I rolled away, I want a camera to show my sister's what he is really like. Another struggle I go through is my mom not interacting with me, she's so busy with her life at nights I always want a fast forward button I always want it to be 10:30 so that I can be in bed and not stuck in my room. Another struggle I go through is my pain and spasms those get stressful allot! I hate when my back spasms the worst that hurts the most, I always need to put an ice bottle behind my back to flatten the tendon. When I was at MHS, I disobeyed the doctor's and God I over did it with the sports, I was mad at the cancer so I took it out on the sports and when I would play basketball I would pretend the hoops were the cancer and I would aim it at that. I go through all these struggles but God pulls me through them and if more people depened on him the world would be a better place but the world depends on every thing else they turn to drinking and I will never pick up another drink, drinking isn't fun.
My bladder is so sore, Thank God the visiting nurse is coming today. Her name is Kristin and she's funny and she knows how to work with me such as Donna at Lahey, the things I go through in a day it's amazing how I do it. I have God on my side so he's always there for me, if it wasn't for him I would be drinking and swearing. I am glad that I quit all that, drinking isn't as fun as, one minute you know what you're doing then the next minute you're drunk! But it's cool how God has these nurses who know how to work with me good and who joke around with me too. They distract me from when they need to do their job but it's good because other wise I would probably scream, they love to joke around with me and that's okay I like to joke around with them too. I can't have serious people in my life, everyone at Horizon they are always joking around with me so it's a good thing :) As I said before, the Lutheran's they don't joke around their more dead at that church and I am so glad that I've moved on. There's not allot of young people there. I like when people joke around with me and not be serious all the time. That gets boring, Dale is also the only born again Christian in her family, her brother told her that she was going to hell because she left the faith.
When Kristin came today I was telling her why I change my room around so much it's because I am in here so much that I can't always have it the same. Tonight when I was reading outside I asked my mom to come outside when she was going to call my aunt but she never did. But if Suvi or Maiju or Jorma were out there she would sit out there with them. I was sitting outside with my mom and Jorma but I knew Jorma really didn't want me to sit out there with them. Lacy wanted to go sit outside and he said "Lacy can sit outside" and I knew he wanted to say "but you can't sit outside with us". It makes me feel unwanted and uncomfortable to be here, I was in the kitchen and he had to pass but he's to much of a baby to ask me to move and I would move but he's like that and I wish he would grow up but sadly he never will he doesn't know how too and probably never will either. He acts so different when I am around but when my sisters are around he is different and I wish they would see how different he really is how different he really is. In September when Maiju found my journal she said "oh he's so nice and you should treat him better" but he's a jerk and I wish they would see that but they won't and they never will!
The next few days are going to be busy, tomorrow Stephanie is here 9-5 and we'll go to the park, Friday night I am going to a worship service, Saturday I am going to Kimbals with Stephanie and her family. I like when I have a busy weekend it makes it go by faster. I can't believe that Sunday is the last day of July, where does the time go? I first knew it was January and I was still with Chris and now it's almost the end of July. Time flys when you're having fun but it's good. Tonight I read 90 pages I might read 10 more when I get in bed, I'll see how tired I am. When I go in the kitchen and bathroom the lights bother my eyes. At nights I always need to have only one light on, I take my meds at 10:00 and I need to wait half hour. I am excited that next Tuesday Stephanie is going to start sleeping here on Tuesday nights and she'll give my mom a break so that she can go upstairs, Siira use to do that too. On Wednesday's Stephanie can leave at 12 and get me all set for the library and I will take my book and go do my own thing. I don't see how my mom does it being followed every where and she never gets her own space and at times I feel bad for her but it's her own fault she could tell him she needs her own time but I think that she's scared of him