:-/

I am so uncomfortable right now, and I've tried to get my mom's attention and Jorma is the kitchen but he won't get her attention. I am going to tell her that I need the hospital bed it will make both of our lives easier that way she doesn't need to get up in the middle of the night and fix me. If she says "no" I will say "you're just making your life harder on yoiurself the hospital bed would make your life allot easier". Even Kristin the nurse said that it would help me, I have the acid refulx amd that would help me. But my mom wants to make her life harder that's her problem. Last night she came and turned me and my drink fell and she said "stupid thing". I'm not sure what the heck I did to her I kind of know what I did on Saturday when I stood up for myself because Jorma was being an idiot as usual and I was going into the kitchen to put a water bottle back in the fridge he closed the fridge on me and it got so frustrating. My mom would stand up for Suvi and my other sisters but when it comes to me she really doesn't and it gets very frustrating. She will never be on my side and I wish she was once, it makes me feel unwanted and unloved. It's not a good feeling, I wish I could go to her and explain why I'm frustrated but Nancy said on Sunday "you could help your mom out by not complaining to her that much".
I really want a boyfriend, who could take me out and hang out with me at nights. Stephanie is liking this guy Chad from church and I want someone to like me, I know that Bryan likes me but he's to immature he tells me all the time "I got accpeted to Fitchburg State" but he really didn't and I roll my eyes. I wonder what it's like to be Suvi or my other sisters who have husbands, can you imagine going to your youngest sister's wedding? that was so strange going there. When Brad and Suvi came in the door and they said "Welcome Mr.& Mrs.Hills" The tears came down my face, when Suvi comes here on her break and I see her wedding ring it makes me sad. I could have married Bryan but I didn't want too, I sent the enegament ring back to him and I personally didn't care. He would always lie to me and I got sick of it, I know that he wants me back in his life, but I don't want him. I want a born again Christian guy who loves the Lord, and who will see past my wheelchair and love me for me.
So this morning when Stephanie and I were getting ready to go out I had a seizure and I crashed into the closet and my joy stick bent upwards and I asked my mom to give me some cough medication and when she saw my joy stick bent like that. She got all bent out of shape and it wasn't my fault, I had two seizures today one at home and then one when I went to Morning Star with Stephanie and when I had one there I kept going into a circle and I hate when I have the seizures, my mom says I don't have them. But she's never around me anyway. But when my mom saw my joy stick and I told her that I am going to call Chris my wheelchair guy and she said "he said he won't fix the chair insurance said they won't fix it anymore because you're due for a new chair". I am going to call him tomorrow and ask him if he can fix my joy stick because I had a seizure and I crashed into the closet by mistake. I really hope they can find something to get rid of these seizures that I am having they are getting worse and I hate when they happen, it can get dangerous. But when Stephanie and I got home we watched Soul Surfer and how the girl never gave up what she loved doing even though she lost her arm. I am writing a book and so far in my note book I've written allot :)
I really hope that dds can find me a shared livng place soon because I can't take living here anymore, my mom really isn't happy. Yesterday when I asked her to sit outside with me and she didn't that made me feel really unwanted by her. I was telling that to Stephanie today that when she did that to me it hurt my feelings, it makes me miss my dad. I was always with him and he would come visit me at MHS and we did allot together but he taught me how to live. I remember on December 22nd I was in his hospital room I told him "you can go home now, you taught me enough and I will never forget you" this past June when I did the relay for life in memory of him and it wasn't easy. I cried the whole 6 hours that I was there, but crying is a good thing. Finnish people usually don't cry they hold all their emotions in, and they hold grudges against you. Such as Jorma, and my whole family. On July 5th when I got stuck in the sand and I had to be rushed to Leominster Hospital Maiju called Stephanie and told her all my past. I wish that my family would let go of the past but they don't know how too and they never will know how too.