I read 84 pages today :)

Last night I was telling my mom about these appointments and she said "how come you can go to all these other appointments and not your dentist? and what if a tooth falls out and we have to wait until December?" I said "do you think I want to go to the GI and urologist?" she didn't answer me. I can't always go to hospitals and live there and if my mom would have told me that she would have made the appointment I wouldn't have gotten so upset but Maiju and her did it behind my back and I wouldn't have done that to them. It gets annoying when they do things like that and they don't tell me, in May of 2008 Maiju called Ellen and they are always calling places and they don't tell me. I quit going to Ellen's in 2008 but in 2010 Dale said it would be a good idea if I went back. The struggles that I go through sometimes get very stressful and I hate it and I wish that I was one of my sisters my mom can go spend time with them but when it comes to me all she is concerned about is when is my showers done and laundry done. At nights when I'm sitting in my room and my sister or my aunt calls I want to be one of them because my mom talks to them all the time but when it comes to me I'm just her option and yes I am glad that she didn't put me in a group home. I know that Maiju wants me in a nursing home, she told Stephanie that she just wants me in there and that hurt. I'm really not important to my family at nights I wonder "what if God takes me?" I am hoping that on Friday I can meet with my dds worker and she can find me a place where I really belong because I don't belong here and it's not a good feeling. The phone started to ring at 8:30 this morning and it won't stop until 10pm tonight and it's like what could my sister and my aunt always have to say to my mom so many times a day, Maiju has 3 kids and my aunt has 6 dogs and I'm always tempted to pick up and say "you have lives so why do you need to call here so many times a day?" even Dale wondered that too.

I cannot wait to get my new phone on Saturday and I know my mom won't like and I've asked her to put me on her plan and she says "no, you were once on it and you got off it last year" I wanted to pay for something on my own and not always have her pay for it me to make me feel human. I am disabled as it is but I'm smart and not dumb and if she only would realize it but she doesn't and that's what I wish that she would realize it. In 2003 when FHS didn't want to give me my high school diploma, but my friends helped me get it and when I see them at barns and noble I thank them. I like my iPod but it's so small that I am worried that when I go places on my own I don't want to loose so the iPhone will be better for me and I can check my email any where and I will have my im's forwarded to my phone. I might go back to face book I'm not sure yet I like to blog instead. Blogging helps me it helps me get my frustrations out, I want to find a job and get paid so I am also going to ask Ann my dds worker if I could go work at the group home and get paid then I wouldn't be bored and I would do different things and my nights would go by faster and I can still keep Stephanie I would ask if I could go work there after 5 so that Stephanie could drop me off and my mom could come pick me up around 8.

I need to move out, my mom spends all her time with Jorma and it makes me sad and lonely being in my room. I can't eat anymore because I'm burnt out and I always want to be someone else who my mom needs such as my sisters or Jorma. I hate being me I want to be someone else who my mom needs and wants to be around. I feel rejected and unwanted and it's not a good feeling, she spends all day with Jorma but she can't spend a half hour with me. I needed my left foot unstrapped but of course she's with Jorma and I hate living here. There is no need for me here my mom has chosen the people who she wants in her life and sadly I'm not one of them. Last Satuday when I locked myself in my room she was telling Stephanie that I always talk bad about her. I don't I just express to people how I am feeling and I'm sick of feeling like I don't belong in her life. I am done living here, I am done seeing Jorma walk around in his boxers, I am done of sitting in my room alone. I wouldn't mind every other night but every night that gets stressful. I'm never hungry any more and I really didn't want to eat today but God made me eat. I guess because of all the rejection and what ever else I go through in my life and I'm really not happy living here and Ellen can't meet with me on Friday either so I need to wait again to meet with my dds worker to talk too. I might call her tomorrow and tell her that I can't live here anymore, I'm really not happy here anymore and I always want to be someone else and I wish I could go tell my mom that but then she would get mad. Stephanie was reading what my dad wrote and when he was alive she had more compassion when Jorma came into our lives then it changed and I miss my mom but now Jorma needs her all the time and she has no room for me in her life and I'm sad and upset the way I get treated :(

In my book unlocked is really good I read 84 pages today and Ella is helping her Autistic friend out and everyone makes fun of him and I can relate to the book. When I went back to public school they put me in the life skills group and every one in there they were low functional and we learned basic skills and Suvi was at FHS too. She drank on weekends and did her own thing and I am so thankful even to this day that I have my friends that helped me get my high school diploma they helped me so much. They went down to special ed and told them that they were giving my diploma to me and they kept saying "she'll never get any where in life but all of them believed in me so that's what I liked and they really helped me. When they see me in this power chair it still upsets them. Before I went into public school I could walk on walker, dress, and shower myself. Last December when Jorma told me that I would never be able to move out because I always need my mommy, that hurt but I need her in a different way. I don't need to her to come with me to every appointment that I go too, I can go to stores without her. I love reading and my brain sometimes won't shut up and it tells me "one more page" and soon enough I know that I've read 84 pages and tomorrow I will need get another book. Stephanie and I are going to the park for the day and before that the Fitchburg library opens at 12 so I will go there first get more books because knowing me the book that I am reading now will be done by Friday. I will go to barns and noble and hang out there and then come home and read. I read for an hour and I read yesterday for an hour, I texted Dawn and told her that she needs to read the book and she'll love it. I am sure that I could probably read 100 pages but that would be to much on my eyes so I stop at 84, last night I read 73 pages. It's crazy how I can read that many pages and remember the whole book.

I wonder whats like to be my sisters

My bladder is so sore right now and I hate when something new always happens to my body, it's like a circle that never stops. It's either my back, bladder, or colostomy or my knee. I get pretty frustrated with my life, it always has something new to be hurting and I wish that it would stop. When I see pictures of when I wasn't this disabled it hurts and Stephanie saw pictures of Chris and Dave and the MHS years. My life isn't easy but I guess God chose me because he knew that I could handle being disabled and my sisters would have given up already, I've gone through so much in my 28 years between loosing my dad, seeing my mom dating another man, seeing Suvi get married, seeing all these different things. But God has pulled me through it all, and when I go to church the people are amazed how much faith I have even though I've gone through all these struggles in my 28 years. The hardest part was loosing my dad but I know he's in heaven smiling down on me and when I buy chocolate God probably says "there goes your chocolate queen" he probably smiles. Today I am going to get more books from the library then going to the park at Leominster and probably read there and then come home and do things. I like going to different places and doing things and it's a really nice day out too. Tomorrow I've got the GI doctor and last Tuesday I was at the hospital and I feel like I'm always there and that's why I canceled my dentist appointment because I can't always live in hospitals all the time that gets boring and frustrating at the same time and I get bored and I need to live and not always be at these appointments.
I miss having a boyfriend who I can talk too, Chris was always able to calm me down even when I would be spasming he would say "calm down" and last Wednesday when he said "I'll call you later" I knew that he wouldn't. So I am done with him and he can do whatever he wants to do with his own life. I want to know what the heck I did wrong but he's to childish to tell me what the heck I did wrong and he didn't even say "hi" to Lacy. I want a boyfriend who lives closer so that I can see him more often and I can hang out with them more often and switch up my nights. I need something different in my life and I want something new and exciting and I want a good guy that a year and half later won't break up with me, but they need to love God as well. I want to read the bible with them and do things with them and listen to Christian music with them, ever since I've become a born again Christian I really don't like any other kind of music but worship. It's hard to find it because on frost wire they are so limited and I wish that I could find a better program. But I want the guy to take me places and have fun with me and see past my wheelchair and disabilities I am more than my wheelchair and disabilities I am human. My legs they don't work but my brain does.
I am reading this book called Unlocked and it's about this austic boy who gets made fun of and his friend from child hood is with the cool kids and she is a cheerleader. All the foot ball players make fun of him because he acts funny and he needs these flash cards to help him speak and I read for an hour I read 77 pages. When I went back to public school and Suvi was in the cool kids group the one where they drank on weekends and had these parties and I was put in the life skills classes where I didn't learn anything and Suvi was in the cool kids and I was just her disabled sister. Today before Stephanie left I was talking to her about my mom how she doesn't want anyone here at nights and I was telling her that my mom was once helping take down some quotes and right away when Maiju called she stopped. Stephanie said that she couldn't handle being in my shoe's and living in the pain that I live in and going to the doctors all the time and having all these medical problems that I do. I've been told even at church that I am a pretty amazing young lady how I go places and I don't let my disabilities stop me and that I have allot of faith in God and that I haven't given up on him. I've gone through so many struggles in my 28 years and the hardest one was loosing my dad, today Stephanie found one of his journals that he wrote and it brought tears my eyes. He was an amazing dad and I still love him even though he's gone, and in that journal Suvi and I were allot closer. I went to MHS and I found my friends and she went to public school and we went our own ways and it's to bad that we did and every night I pray that God would restore my whole family. I told Stephanie that cancer just doesn't take one part of the family but it takes the whole family and that's to bad.
I am so glad that I did my have my dad the time that I did, I remember going to treatments with him and spending time with him. He taught me lessons that I will never forget. When people ask me "where did you get the confidence in your self?" I always say "my dad taught me through his cancer and the lessons that he taught me were all good". I will always be his chocolate queen for life and I'll always love chocolate and I really want to work at the cancer center and a group home to make me feel better about myself. At times I don't feel good about myself and I want to be one of my sisters. I was telling Stephanie that my mom gives her time and day to everyone else but when it comes to me she doesn't give me much time. I feel unwanted and useless to her and that's what I'm going to say to her the last day that I'm here "you don't need me, you've got all the people who you want in your life and when I don't get my showers on the days you want them done you get all bent out of shape. Today I was in allot of pain due to my bladder problem and Stephanie didn't want to hurt me and I know my mom wants my showers done but if I am in pain then I don't want Stephanie to do them. This morning I was in so much pain that I called my urologist then I called my nurse who deals with my catheter and I told her that the pain is getting worse. Since June my bladder has been hurting me more and I don't want to hurt myself anymore than I already have. If my mom is so concerned about my showers then she should do them because she calls herself my pca yet she only sits in the living room talks on the phone and watches TV yes I am glad that she didn't put me in a group home or nursing home I just wish that she would give more of her time. It hurts when she is always ignoring me and it really makes me feel unwanted and useless and I get bored here. I am hoping that this up coming Friday my dds worker can meet with me so that I can ask her how long is the waiting list for the shared living. I'm burnt out and hurt that my mom gives everyone else time but when it comes to me I'm just her option and it's not a good feeling so I need to move out and move on.

a bunch of things

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. Psalm 27:14

Today I'm going to look for a job and I know that Stephanie will leave but I need and want a life too. I want to meet different people and really start living, I can't always stay here or have a pca with me. When I go to church I take my ipod and go, when Jay said that I needed someone to be with me at cross roads I wanted to say "I can go every where else by myself". I was trying to talk to him and he wouldn't listen he kicked me out of church that day, my friend Dara said that Jesus wouldn't have done that. But I guess no one at cross roads really cared, I liked that church because you could go up to the alter while the worship team was playing. I know once Stephanie is gone than I will need to find a new pca who is willing to do some nights I know that my mom won't like it but I need the company at nights, she has her company it's the phone.

Also when I'm out I am going to call Ann my dds worker and ask her how long is the waiting list for shared living, I really need to move out no one needs me here and when Stephanie leaves at 5 then I'm bored. When I had Siira here she use to help me with my quotes and she would sit in my room and do things with me. That's what I need is company, I can't always be lonely and bored. I've done it for so long that it gets boring 3 years ago when I tried to move out on my own it didn't work out, things happened between Dale and I. Then my family thought that I tried to kill myself so I was at Leominster hospital and after that they sent me to a group that had depressed people. In 2009 I had to get surgery on my legs the tendon release. The things I've been through in my 28 years I don't know how the heck I've done it, between loosing my dad, going from doing my own showers, dressing myself, and doing all these things and having to depend on people. If I didn't have God in my life I probably would have given up already but with God he's helped me. He's blessed me especially with Lacy, humans couldn't get me to accept my colostomy but when Lacy came into my life she helped me.

I was telling Stephanie that I want night time pcas and she said "yeah but your mom doesn't want them". I wanted to say "but I can't spend every night alone in my room". I'm burnt out and I need to move out and leave my mom and Jorma behind and get a job. When I'm in room alone I wish that I was Maiju or one of my aunts because my mom will stop and do anything for them but when it comes to me I'm just her option. I can't go to my mom because she'll say that I'm complain yet my sisters they can go to her and talk to her. I need and want pca's here at nights she can get a night robe and they can be here from 7-9, that would make my nights go by faster and it would help my mom out too. But she doesn't want to take the help and I really wish that she would. But oh well it's her life and if she doesn't want to take the help than that's her choice. I wish that she would want to take the help. I didn't get to go look for a job but I did go down to Market Basket and when Stephanie picked me up she had Lacy with her. As Stephanie was loading me into the van the lift made this huge noise like it was going to break and it scared Stephanie and I. Tonight when my mom puts me in bed I am going to tell her that lift isn't safe and what if I was on it forward and if came down and I got hurt badly? I already have enough of problems and I really don't need anymore, I've gone through so much and I don't need to hurt myself anymore.

I really haven't been hungry lately and Stephanie said that on Wednesday she is going to tell my GI doctors that I really don't want to eat, it's all this stress that I go through between my mom, and Jorma and I. That gets stressful and I wish I had a rewind button to when my dad was alive I miss him. But I keep his memory alive I have all these picture's of him every where. The time that he spent teaching me how to live even though I am disabled those are lessons that I'll never forget and when he always said "your my chocolate queen everyone told him that I would grow up to be one and here I am 12 years later and I love chocolate. Stephanie and Dale they both said that they are going to have a very long talk with him when they get up to heaven. He'll probably have a huge smile to his face and they'll be shaking their heads at him saying "why did you name her your chocolate queen? chocolate was always in her room thanks to you" but he also taught me about God and how to listen to doctors more than doctors and three years ago when the doctor's told me that I herd voices and I said "no, I hear the voice of God and you need to get to know him before he comes back" and they just rolled their eyes at me but it's true so many people need to get to know him because Jesus is coming back soon. I hope that my mom and Jorma won't be living in sin but they love each other and if they get married my mom will lose the money that she gets from ssi and from my dad too. I'm hoping that I can move out of here soon so that I don't need to see Jorma walk around in his boxers I try to avoid him at nights so that I don't need to see him in his boxers that's uncomfortable.

boring day

I've been trying to get my moms attention for 5 minutes and Jorma is in the kitchen and living room and he's not getting her! There is so much stress in my life, between Stephanie my mom and I. The hurricane isn't helping either its making me more spastic and I am so uncomfortable, I wish that I could do more for myself but I'm just stuck in this body and it makes me want to scream. Yesterday  after Stephanie left I cried I was so frustrated with my body and spasms and how I get treated and just every thing, I miss my old life when I could do more for myself instead of asking people. I use to be able to get up when I wanted, when I was in my manual chair. In 2006 the doctor's told me that I couldn't be in my manual chair anymore because I was damaging my back. So May 2006 Chris set  me a power chair I got the power chair October 2006 and Dale just started and she thought that Chris was cute and she still does. I kind of like my power chair it gives me freedom   but then I can't do things for myself and I always need to ask my mom or Stephanie to get me in or out of bed and it gets very frustrating too! As my mom was getting me out of bed I asked her to put this thing on my skin where I wouldn't scratch and she said "insurance isn't going to pay for this and Stephanie doesn't need to put it all around your skin" I said "I'll call Lahey tomorrow and you can talk to the stoma nurses" she said "I'm not talking to anyone"

My mom was telling Stephanie that she doesn't want a night time pca because then she can walk around in her pj's. But I need the company she does nothing with me all she does is sits out in the living room talks on the phone and watches her shows. She doesn't like to hang things up or take things down she doesn't want to do my laundry she wants Stephanie to do all that. I was telling Dawn all that and Dawn said that she should get a robe if she doesn't want the pca to see her or she can wait, but I really want someone here at nights with me. I know that she doesn't want that but I want it and I need it, I'm bored half the time and it's not fair that I need to sit in my room while she blabs on the phone and will pick up the phone for anyone else.  I need to move out, tomorrow I am calling dds and asking them how long is the waiting to get into shared living. I want a fresh new start without my new family knowing my past it's time to put the past behind me and it's time to move on to the future

Next Saturday I am going to look at the iPhone and I am also going to get a job so that way I can earn some extra cash too and pay my bill. I want to start living and that's one way that I can start living is by getting a job. I can be away from here too, I'll just need to find a new pca because Stephanie wants a full time job and I want a life and the arc won't hire me back but I really don't want to be here there is nothing to do here all I do is sit around the house while my mom does her own thing and I get bored. Tomorrow I am calling Ann from dds and hoping that she can give me an idea on how long the waiting list is for the shared living. I need more human interaction, and I'm 28 and I wouldn't be living here if I wasn't disabled I would be out on my own. I like to meet new people too so that will be good if I get a job and get into a good shared living home where I would be needed and wanted more. The only thing that needs me is Lacy my mom has her own life and she's chosen all the people who she wants in her life so I'll move on with out her and I know that her and Jorma are going to move to Florida. I don't know if Maiju or Suvi will come and visit me, I doubt it because even now they don't come visit me they only come here for my mom and Suvi comes here only on her breaks but otherwise she's busy with Brad, and work. I know that after Brad graduates from his program that they are going to move down to Florida too.

My back is spasming so badly right now and I just took my meds and they usually kick in by 11:30 or 12. But by one in the morning I am sleeping I wish my mom would get the hospital bed it would help the both of our lives easier. When I move out I am getting one all my doctors they said it would be better for me but my mom doesn't want to make her life easier and I wish that she would because getting in and out of that bed isn't comfortable and I need the hospital bed it would help me allot. My legs are tight too because of the rain and when it rains my body spasms more and it gets frustrating but God helps me. At nights I watch TV I didn't know that I could watch TV on my computer until one day I googled it and it came up as that I can watch any show. I like the Simpsons, Friends, King Of Queens, King of the hill, the nanny, who's line is it anyway? Who's line and friends are my favorite :). Tomorrow is going to be a really nice day so I will go out and I want to work at Micheal's the craft store I could get discounts on glitter glue and a bunch of things. I need to something convent during the day and then I will hire a pca when I work during the days I will have them come at nights and I know my mom won't like it but I need some company she always has company talking on the phone or Jorma and I need company too. I can't always sit in my room alone every night it gets boring, she can get a robe for herself and Jorma can wait to put his boxers on at nights.

Thank God for blogging!

I really wonder what it's like to be one of my sisters they're not disabled and they don't need to deal with my mom. I didn't want to get up this morning but she got me up anyway, Stephanie will be here at 10 and once again my mom said "Stephanie needs to do your laundry". If she is so concerned about it and she calls herself my pca then she should do it, but she won't. It looks like I'll need to find two new pca's and that's one bad thing about being disabled is the pca's and they get very annoying too!

Stephanie came here at 11 and I shut and locked my door, because I really didn't want her here. I want her gone and out of my life, she is going to take cna classes. Her and Chad they are so serious and I know that they'll get married and have kids, I am glad that I do have Dawn. This morning when I was upset Dawn got me to calm down. I was telling Stephanie that I want to work at the cancer center and I do know that I will lose her because she wants a full time job, but I need a life too.

I was telling Dawn that my mom won't get the hospital bed even though it would help her and I out. But she doesn't want to get it and I really wish that she would it make both of our lives easier. Transfers are getting harder and I know that the hospital bed would make both of our lives easier. I am so thankful for Dawn when no one understands me I can go to her and this morning when I was upset and I was thinking "no one understands me" God said "call Dawn" and I did and she was able to calm me down and get me smiling again she is like my older sister. I can trust her and I love her. I was telling her that next month I am going to get the at&t iphone and she has at&t too so we can talk when ever I need her. We have the reigers syndrome and the same kind of md so it does help, we've done things in the past that we're not proud of but God forgave us so that's good. We still laugh and we can't believe that we drank and listened to all this bad music, I am hoping that she can come visit me next month. I miss being around her and I miss her allot we always take a bunch of pictures and take pictures of our dogs and of us and our dogs.

Tomorrow is going to be boring I usually go to church on Sunday's but since a hurricane is coming I can't go. But I can do my puzzle books finish up my book relax in bed. Now that I can watch tv on my computer I will watch tv too. Probably call Dawn, I am also down loading new music onto my ipod. I have a bunch of different artist on my ipod and over 300 songs. When I go places such as doctors at umass I take my ipod with me and it keeps me occupied. I also listen to my ipod when I am around the house and when I go places myself, there are allot of drug dealers in my town and if I go to the library for a while I need to take my medication with me, and I don't want to take any chances with that.

frustrated

 I really can't depend on Stephanie she calls out too much. My mom told me to get a job so I will, I don't want to work at cvs or anything like that. I did when I was at MHS and it was boring. I want to work in  group home or something like that, and I want to get some money so that I can get some extra cash so that I can get at&t and get an iphone. Dawn gets the same amount of money as I do and she can pay for it, so next month I am going to look into that phone. Or even if I get a job at barns and noble that would be fine too. I would get discounts on books too so that I wouldn't mind either, but I want a better phone than the one I have. I like the iphones they are cool I can listen to my music and I have an ipod dock and when I'm doing my quotes and bible verses I could listen to that too :). But I really want to earn some extra cash that way I can have my im's forwarded to my phone and I can check my email, face book any where.
Last night I texted Gary (Chris's cousin) and I asked him will Chris ever call me? and Chris said "no" and all I want to say is that I am sorry for what ever I did to him. But he won't forgive me for whatever I did to him and it's so immature too, because all I want to know is what the heck I did wrong? But if he's going to act like that then I don't want anything to do with him. I have enough of stress going on in my life as it is and I don't need him. I will keep asking God for someone and I know in his timing he will give me someone better than Chris and get me a good boyfriend who won't play these stupid games with me. Chris was so nice at first then in January of this year he said "we are done". I want to meet more people and maybe if Ann my dds worker can get me into different programs and not be stuck here at nights that would be good too being stuck here every night that gets boring and now tonight I can't go out because my stomach isn't putting any out put.
Stephanie came today and at first she was so nice and after we went on the porch and she said "I can't keep playing these games and your sisters were right about you, once you don't like a pca you get rid of them and you're always putting me down". I said "my mom is the phone who told me that Dale was the best pca and I didn't". So she left early, I can't deal with her anymore. I need to let her go, she's so busy with her boyfriend and her life. Her friend and her they got into a fight yesterday and now all that is stressing her out and she wasn't happy. When I told my mom about it she said "I need to talk with her face to face to see what one of you is always lying". I couldn't meet with my dds worker or Ellen my therapist today so I couldn't find out how long of a waiting list there is to get into shared living. On Monday I am finding out because I can't live here anymore, I can't seem to please anyone lately and it's getting really annoying. After Stephanie left I cried and got really hurt by what she said to me today. Stephanie wants a full time job but I want to do something with my life too, I like helping out. I really want to volunteer at the cancer center. If I hear someone say "I can't do the colostomy" I go over to them and say "I'm 28 and I have one and it saved my life and it will save yours and yes it's hard to accept at first but you'll get use to it, and if you get an animal they'll help you out too"
This Wednesday I've got an GI appointment and it's like when do these appointments end? It gets annoying and if I would have kept the dentist appointment I would have had 2 next week and I can't always live in hospitals but that's where the cancer center would be good for me because I could relate to them. When my dad was alive I went to his appointments with him and he was always so glad to see me go with him and that's what I want to help out there. I don't want to keep staying here it gets boring and my sisters have lives and I need to get one too. So I will go help out there and I know that I will probably loose Stephanie because she wants a full time job but I need to have a life too. I can't always stay home. I am going to apply at Monty Tech to become a social worker to keep disabled people in schools like MHS so they don't come home and end up like I am today. I don't like my power chair but then I do, it gives me freedom but I also can't do things for myself such as shower, dress or do any of that. When I see my friends from FHS they say that it hurts them to see me like this meaning seeing me in a power chair when I could do so much more for myself before and now I can't but I still have the faith

Please keep me in prayer

Last night when I told my mom that I went to go see Chris she got upset, but I need to live too. Jorma and her they are always out, either bike riding or shopping. I can't always stay here I need to live too and I'm burnt out by her and Jorma, last night she ignored me once again and I feel rejected and really unwanted by her. She can live but when it comes to me I just need to sit in my room and do nothing with my life, she wants me to take all these easy classes and she doesn't believe in me. I wish that I had a rewind button to when my dad was alive she was so much happier than, and then when it was his last month things fell apart. Now I'm just an option for her, and she calls herself my pca yet she won't shower, do my laundry and she doesn't care if I eat. Tomorrow when I meet with Ann my dds worker I am going to see if she got me more pca hours because if she did then I am hiring another pca at nights who will sit in my room. It's not fair that Stephanie needs to do all my showers and everything so I am going to hire someone else. I can't sit in my room every night alone, I'm going to tell Ann that I can't do it anymore. I'm sick of the rejection, being lonely at nights and how she tells me that I eat all this junk food. I was tempted to say "fine, I won't eat anymore" on Tuesday morning I really didn't want to eat but Stephanie got me to eat even though I didn't want too she got me too.
So Stephanie couldn't come in because she had some sort of drama and my mom was saying "all you Christian's lie, you lie and then going to church" and she kept going on and on. I blocked my ears because I couldn't take it and around 11 she said "do you want to go out?" I just ignored her and I'm so stressed that I can't even eat. My mom is even rude to Lacy and I'm sick of her and I wish I wasn't me, I wish that I was one of my sisters they all have lives. I know that Chris isn't coming back I'm giving up on love, it's useless because every guy that I like they always leave. I am sick of being disabled too, cancer just didn't take my dad it took my mom too. She use to be so compassionate and now she's really not and I hate it and I wish I was one of my sisters because she'll talk to them and give them the time and day. I don't want to go out today, I'm annoyed with Stephanie and my mom. When I see my wheelchair in the mornings I hate it, and I want to be someone else. I'm just burnt out and I wish that I wasn't me and I'm done with this stupid wheelchair and disabilities. I am giving up on Chris too, because I know that he's so busy getting out. I wish my mom wouldn't put me down like she does and she doesn't realize when she does it hurts. On Monday she told Stephanie and I that she doesn't care, she doesn't care if I eat anymore. When I fired Dale because of something I quit eating, and once Dale saw me and she saw how skinny I was. My mom doesn't want me to eat because of my teeth and it's sad how the enemy took her too she use to be so compassionate until Jorma came in our lives then she changed. It gets stressful and I want to be someone else and if she only knew how much she put me down but she really doesn't care. It's not a good feeling, she has totally walked away from God and it's to bad because she use to go to church but then Jorma came into the picture and now he controls her and it makes me sad. Lacy is barking outside right now and they are ignoring her and I feel bad. My mom takes her anger out on Lacy too, and it's like she does nothing to her, it makes me sad and brings tears to my eyes.
I am so sick of this pain and spasms, my heel always hurts so does my back and my back is always spasming! I wish I had a rewind button when my life wasn't this hard, I'm sick of the pain and spasm. The pain gets to be so bad and my heel is hurting and I can't have it on the foot plate because it hurts but when it hangs it hurts too! I can't deal with it anymore and its getting to be way to hard and I wish that I was one of my sisters they don't live in this stupid pain or spasm and I hate the pain and spasm it gets very annoying. I wish that I could find a boyfriend I know that Chris doesn't want me back he's so busy with his life he's always out with his cousin and yesterday when he said "I'll call you" I knew that he wouldn't and didn't. When I see my sisters with their husbands I want to be them because they aren't trapped in a body that is annoying. It gets to be over whelming for me and I can't go to my mom because she says that I'm complain and I wish my life was easier and I'm tired of the pain and spasm. I want a rewind button to when my life was easier and I know that I can never have that life back, and tomorrow I am meeting with Ann my dds worker and I'm going to ask her if she got me more pca hours I need someone to sit in my room and help me keep calm while a spasm starts. I need to be reminded to be stay relaxed and not to get to upset because the more upset I get the longer the pain and spasm gets to be and my mom she just sits out in the living room watching tv and doing her own thing while I'm in here in allot of pain.
Tomorrow when I meet with Ann my dds worker I am going to see if she can get me a job at the group home something different for me to do, I get bored here at nights it's the same thing every night and I need something different. I do want to work at the cancer center too and I know when I work there I will loose Stephanie she wants a full time job. But she's really not that dependable because she'll call out like today she was busy with her friend and whatever and I need someone who is more dependable. I also want to go work at the cancer center and cheer them up and it would help me too because I know what it's like to live in pain all the time and I know what it's like to get worse. I also want to give back since my dad went through all that and help them out too and make them feel good about themselves and last Friday when I asked Stephanie to fill out the paper work she didn't want too she only filled out half of it and said "we'll finish it another day" tomorrow will be a week and I really want her to fill it out. I need to feel good about myself and the days that she calls out I get bored but my mom took me out and I was thankful but other wise I would have been stuck here alone again. I need change and I can't always do the same thing every night and every day and I want to go help out at the cancer site because if I hear someone say they can't handle the colostomy I can say "I have it and it's really not that hard it is at first when you're first getting use to it but I am alive and here all because of it and if you get a dog or cat they'll help you". I will carry a picture of Lacy and I in my wallet and show them. Lacy right now is waiting to get in bed she loves to sleep with me and that's her favorite time of night she'll sleep right next to me and when I come home from some where she gets so happy to see me. When I come home from church her tail goes and she gets so happy, I won't be able to go to church this Sunday we are going to get a hurricane but I have my puzzle books, my book, and I can watch tv on my computer too :)

I went out today and had a fun day

Every night I pray for my mom that she would realize that Jorma isn't the one for her, I also pray for our relationship as well. But now she won't even talk to me anymore, last night she laid on the couch and ignored me. She was upset the fridge broke and that she needs to get a tooth pulled and insurance won't pay for it. I was quiet the whole night I sat in my room and did my quotes and bible verses and then after that I watched the Simpsons and even Lacy was different she wasn't her happy self and I felt bad because usually she's so happy and ever since Monday she's been different. She's happy when Stephanie is here but when she's not here she's not happy, I think that she can tell there is stress and that my mom and I our relationship changed. But I didn't want to go to another appointment I go to many of them as it is and if my mom would only listen to me but she won't. I tried to go tell her something funny last night and she didn't think it was funny so I went back in my room, then I asked her to shut my shades and she first went for a shower, I could tell that she really didn't want to do that.
I am thankful that I do have Dawn that I can text and Stephanie, Stephanie always says before she leaves "text me if you need me". Dawn and I were texting last night and Dawn understands about going to appointments she's disabled. We go through enough and going to so many appointments it gets stressful I always want to be one of my sisters when I'm there. I know that my mom won't want to talk about this subject and I wish she would listen to me why I really did it. On Monday she told Stephanie and I that she doesn't care so I don't know what to do it's kind of like she gave up on me and that hurt. But oh well one day I will be out of her life and she'll be happy so will Jorma, my mom can go do whatever she wants with her life I am done trying to please her nothing I do makes her happy anymore. She wants me to give up on God just like she did. Jorma doesn't believe in God, he has the enemy. I miss my dad he believed in God he spent hours of teaching me the truth and I am so thankful for him! HE is gone but not forgotten!
Today Stephanie and I took Lacy with us to go see Chris (my ex boyfriend) when we asked her "do you want to go for a ride?" she went nuts it's cute how she answers us she barks and then wines. She knew we were close to his house because she started to wine and cry and she was jumping all over the van, but what is amazing how she knew that she was coming with us, when Stephanie was doing my hair and getting me ready she went nuts. Stephanie brushed her too and made her pretty too, and it's amazing how she knows the words "ride, cookie, walk,cookie, bone" even though she's a small dog she isn't dumb one bit and it makes Stephanie and I laugh just how she knows all these words even though she is so small. It amazes me how a little dog like that knows so much even though her brain is so small. I went to see Chris but he was still in bed but I got talking with his cousin who is also his pca and told him to tell Chris how much he helped me with my sisters wedding at nights my pain gets the worst and he use to be able to calm me down and tell me "I know it hurts but you need to stay calm for me"."
I hate when my back hurts, but the medications they do help. Next month I am going to the special doctor who will think of how to do my wheelchair and I am going to ask her to do botox in my back it hurts and spasms the same time and I hate when it does both, it gets very frustrating. When my mom is here she doesn't sit in my room and doesn't keep me calm through my spasms. But when I'm with Stephanie she quickly changes the subject and it stops the spasm very fast so that's what I like when Stephanie is here she keeps me company. I am going to see if Ann my dds worker can get me more pca hours so that I could get someone to spend time with me from 6-11 and to keep me company too. I can't always sit in my room alone every night while she watches tv and I'm in here alone and I wouldn't do that to her if she was in my shoe's I would interact with her but that just proves to me that she really doesn't need or want me in her life and it's not a good feeling either.

stressed out

when my mom told me that she didn't care last night it brought tears to my eyes, it hurt me allot. I know where I stand now in her life and I'm not important to her, I know that she's going to ignore me more. So hopefully I don't drop anything, such as my medication because I know now at nights she's she'll be upstairs watching tv and then put me to bed. Last night she really didn't want to roll me but I was uncomfortable then she shut the door all the way and poor Lacy today is going to get treated badly too since my mom is mad at me. Stephanie said that if my family puts me in a group home that she'll take Lacy, and Lacy and her will come visit me. I miss my dad, when he was alive my mom was different and now she has the enemy living with her. I know that Maiju is going to call, or email or message Stephanie and tell her more bad things and I'm going to tell Stephanie to please ignore her.
I'm so uncomfortable right now and I know if I ask my mom to fix me she won't, I wish that she would forgive me. I didn't want to go to another appointment I live enough in hospitals and going to one more they don't make me feel human and I wish my mom would understand that and right now the tears are coming down my face. I know that God cares and he has others who care about me so I am glad I have them and I can go to them. The dentist where I go it's all the way in Brighton Mass and it takes an hour and half to get there and I don't feel like sitting in my van when I could be outside and doing other things. I wish my mom would understand she doesn't need to go to all these appointments and she can walk, and have a life but I'm stuck in a wheelchair and going to hospitals and going to doctor's and all this other things and it does get stressful.
I went to my appointment and I really didn't want to eat for Stephanie in the morning but she got me to eat. When we left my mom gave me a look and I bet that she was happy that I was gone so that she could get rid of me. Now there is no love here and I wish that my mom could understand what it's like to go to hospitals all the time. I know that she won't forgive me for what I've done either, but I made a new appointment so that's what I don't understand why did she get mad? But after my refill on my baclofen pump we went to the park and hung out there until 3 and came home at 4. My mom wasn't here and when she got home she usually says "hi" and she didn't and I know that she is still mad at me for canceling my dentist appointment. But Dawn read my other blog I use blogger too and Dawn texted me and said "it's your teeth so why does she care?". When Jorma moved in he brought the enemy here too and it's frustrating too because my mom use to be caring until Jorma came into the picture and now she's so focused on him and Maiju and Liisa and the phone and TV.
I am so glad that I have friends like Stephanie and Dawn who I can go talk too. Dawn understands what it's like to be disabled and the only one who is disabled in the family, she has the reigers syndrome and the mytoinc md too. She's my older sister I can trust her with things unlike Miia, Maiju, or Suvi because they'll go tell the whole world about my problems and I wish that I could go to them but I can't. But with Dawn I can text her, or email her and she'll listen to me. When we're together we are triple trouble and it makes me laugh even more, we've done some things in the past that we aren't proud of but God forgave us. I will never drink again, drinking really isn't that fun you get drunk then the next second you don't know what the heck you're doing. When I was at Suvi and Brad's wedding, I was so tempted to grab a drink but God told me "no, you've been sober since 2008 and you will not drink". My mom doesn't believe me when I tell her that I did drink allot before and she says "you only drank alittle". I said "no, mom I drank allot and Dawn has the pictures". I am glad that I don't drink anymore it's really not that fun as people make it and I am so glad that I stopped for good :)

Oh man do I need prayer--pictures from Saturday night too

My mom is always so concerned about my showers, and my laundry. She'll do my laundry but she won't do my showers, I always want to say "if you're so concerned about my showers why don't you do them? because you are my pca too and you put down hours then you should do them" but she always says "I'm burnt out". I hate hearing about my showers they take allot out of me they aren't easy and if she would use the hoyer lift than my life would be easier but she chooses not too and I really wish that she would because I always hurt my back and I know that it hurts my moms back too but she doesn't want to make her life easier.

I really want a job, right now Stephanie is sick and isn't coming in until 4 and I am so bored. This Friday I am going to meet with my dds worker and I am going to ask her if she can get me a night time job at a group home and during the days I can go to the cancer center and save the pca hours for night times. I need to do something convent during the days, I'm either at doctor's appointments or at Stephanie's house. I want to do something different doing the same thing every day it gets boring. In September Stephanie will be taking the cna course and I know once she's done that then she'll find a full time job and I know that Chad her boyfriend wants to marry her. So they'll probably be planning a wedding next summer at this time and I am hoping to be moved out of this house by then.

This afternoon I told my mom that I canceled my dentist appointment and she got mad but I've had 6 doctor appointments in this month and having a 7th one I couldn't handle. Stephanie came here 4-9 and when my mom came down stairs I said "I'm sorry" and she said "we waited 3 months for this appointment and you eat all that junk food and I don't care anymore so eat all that junk food" and when she said that she didn't care anymore it brought tears to my eyes because she gave up on me and it's not a good feeling right now and I've been quiet since this afternoon. I do know that tomorrow Maiju is going to call dds and going to have them find me a group home to go too because my mom no longer wants me here and it makes me sad. I wish that my mom would talk to me but she won't anymore, I didn't like how my mom went behind my back and made the appointment I wouldn't have done that to her. When I have all these appointments I hate them because it reminds me that I am disabled and it's not a good feeling to have either.

Tomorrow after my baclofen pump gets filled Stephanie and I are going to this park in Worcester and I am excited, I am getting my pump filled at 11:30 and we'll probably be out of there by 12:30 and we'll pack our lunches and drinks I am going tp bring my puzzle book, the note book that I am writing my book and my ipod. I'm going to forget what has happened today and I am writing my mom a long email and asking for her forgiveness. She came down stairs and went for a shower and I had Stephanie put me in bed and when my mom came and rolled me she said "you never go to bed this early" then walked out and shut the door. Finnish people they hold grudges against others and they don't know how to forgive easily and I wish that would forgive me. But last week I had two doctor's appointments and I always have Ellen on Friday's at it does get stressful having all these doctor appointments. I know that now Jorma is going to bed mad also that I canceled my dentist appointment but they gave me a new date 12.27.11. I need to move out of here and leave my mom and Jorma alone and they can keep living in sin and do whatever they want to do and I will move out and leave them behind and forget about them. I know that Maiju and Suvi won't come visit me they don't visit me here so why would they visit me there?

picture's from last night :)

I had so much fun last night even though Janet's brother and I didn't hang out I still had fun, I met a disabled boy who is 18 and he is smart and he passed the mcass <-- that's a test in Mass that you need to pass. My friend Sammy also passed it, and I did. I was telling his parents when I was at MHS I use to be able to do everything but then I went to public school and I ended up in a power chair. I wonder where I would be if they would have kept me? I know that I wouldn't be living here and I wouldn't see Jorma walk around in his boxers, and right now he's getting his breakfast and I know that he doesn't like me in there. I had allot of fun being out, I came home at 11:11pm. In my van there was Janet, Lauren, Stephanie, Nick, his girl friend and his baby boy. It was allot of fun, I forgot that I was disabled. I want and need friends like that who I can go to their houses and stay there until 10pm instead of being here all the time there is nothing to do here. All I do here is do my quotes and bible verses and that's it. I get bored like I've said in the past posts my mom really doesn't interact with me because she's so busy with her life and this morning she didn't offer me breakfast because she and Jorma were so in a rush to watch the Finnish news and drink their coffee and eat their breakfast. She always tells me that I eat to much but when I don't eat she doesn't like that either. Last night while we were there Maiju and her kids and her husband Bret were there and Bret never says "hi" to me. In 2009 when my chair died and my mom was in Finland and he got my chair charger he said "the reason why you have 3:16 on your arm is because you don't know the time".

The fire works were so amazing and I got allot of picture's when the sun was going down it brought tears to my eyes because summer of 1999 I was on the beach with my dad and he said "when the sun goes down, I go too". I didn't understand that until December 23rd,1999 he died at 6:03. I am very glad that I had him as a dad, he taught me so much and how to live. He would be proud of the woman that I've grown up to be, I'm in pain right now but I'm going to church right now. I like going, I love the worship music you cannot fall asleep at the born again Christian churches the music and everyone is so upbeat :). I was on the phone with Dawn yesterday and she said "I found pictures of when you Jenny and I went to the bar and then when Brie, Amy you and I had the party and drank and then at shake a leg." She told me that when we were leaving the bar & club that night I wanted to bring a guy back to the dorms. Shake a leg was a two week program where they taught you to be independent even though you are disabled. Those two weeks were so much fun we went sailing and did all these fun things, the last day there I got really close to the staff and when I left I cried but now they've all moved on. That's one bad thing about these summer programs you meet some awesome people but then saying goodbye to them that's not easy. The last day at MHS when they announced that all seniors to go pack your things I cried because I knew that my life was going to be different. Now half the people that I use to be close to they've moved on and are kind of stuck up. Or they're in day programs such as Alycia, she's so smart but her mom doesn't want to deal with her so when she came back from MHS she was put into a day program and into a group home and that's where I am very thankful that my mom didn't put me into a group home all though she wanted to put me in a day program but I will never go in one.

I went to church today and I was in so much pain and then this lady came and said to me "you're a pretty impressive young lady, I see you go every where your self." I said "my dad died when I was 16 and he taught me how to live even though I am this disabled and every night when I go to bed I thank God for him because the things that he taught me I'll never forget and he always called me his chocolate queen and to this day I still love chocolate and my pca's want to smack him for naming me that because I have it every where in my room and when I go to stores I always buy it" and she laughed. It's true he taught me how to live even though I am this disabled and I am so thankful for him and I do miss him as I said before he held this whole family together. But my dad is in a better place and I know that he is proud of me for what I've done how I go places and I don't let my disabilities stop me and how I never gave up on God even though I have these 3 disabilities 

I always like staying after church and talk with the different people and I know that I inspire allot of them, I am always in pain and spasm but I still go to church every Sunday and I don't let my pain or spasm stop me. I like going it gets my mind off the bad and onto the good so that part I really like, everyone loves me at horizon church and they always say "love you" and I always say "love you too". They did the song "the stand by hillsong and that's one of my favorite songs by them so is inside out. I never thought that I would like all this worship music but I do. I was use to the slow music and not the upbeat music, all though when Dale was with me she did take me to her drum practice and there I did get to listen to the upbeat music. I wish that my sister's would give the born again church a try but they are so worried about leaving the faith that it would be a sin to leave the church but it's better and I like it :). But if the slow style they like oh well it's not my place to try and change them

I'm going out tonight--pictures in tomorrow's post

I'm excited about tonight, I get to live! I know that Stephanie, her mom and everyone is going to tease Dave and I. We are going to go talk alone and I know that when we come back everyone is going to tease us and all next week Stephanie is going to tease me. I am excited that I get to get away from here tonight and away from Jorma, he looks at me and I don't know why he does because it's pointless he just gives me these rude looks. Once I stuck my tongue out at him, I got sick of his looks. I think he needs to grow up and stop acting like a baby all the time, yesterday on the way home from barns and noble he had a huge frown on his face. He doesn't need to come, my mom can drive my van perfectly fine herself but he needs to be with her all the time. I don't know how she does it because everyone needs alone time she never gets alone time because she's always on the phone or with him and I roll my eyes when I see him go out with her.
I really hope I can be out of this stressful house soon, my mom always wants my showers done and my laundry and she's my pca too and she should do them too. If she wants them done so badly than she should do them too, but she won't she only does the easy things. I need to move out of here and start living, I can't live here all my life there is no need for me here. My mom has Jorma, her sisters and my sisters and that's who she's chosen to be in her life but when it comes to me I'm just her option. She walked away from God and once Jorma came into the picture that's when it got worse because now he follows her every where and they act like they're happy but I see it every day and they really aren't that happy. I wish that my sisters would believe me but they never will. Maiju tells me that I'm lying all the time and I know that she's going to tell the new family not to believe anything that I say because it's all lies.
I was in the kitchen telling my mom that I saw an old pastor yesterday at barns and noble and he wasn't nice to me and I asked her "shouldn't all Christian's be nice?" and Jorma said "yes they all should". I was going to say "it's time you start treating me like everyone else, you're so nice to everyone else but when it comes to me you're really not and it gets really old and I wish that you would treat me better". The pastor was from the Luthrean church.
I know tonight when the sun goes down I am going to cry because that's how my dad told me that he was done his battle with his cancer and it still hurts to this day to see the sun set but I'll Dave there. So I'll be fine, I am excited to get out of this house tonight and live and not be here with Mr. Moody and be stuck here. I really want this to work out with Dave and I, or if not I know that God will have someone else in store for me. I will post picture's in tomorrow's post from tonight. There will be allot so probably the whole next week will have pictures I'm so excited to get away from here!

Where does the time go?

I can't believe it's Friday already, where does the time go? It's almost end of August too. I've had my colostomy for 7 years, I've had Lacy for 6 years, my dad's been gone for 12 years. Loosing my dad was the hardest because it was, and to this day when I see the sun set I cry and it makes me want him back but I do know that he's in a better place now. But the times that I spent with him I'll never forget, when he took me skiing, all the times that he brought me chocolate, when he came to MHS. I miss him because he held the family together and now we're all in groups and it shouldn't be that way, but it is. When Suvi invited my mom and Jorma to dinner on Wednesday and not me, that hurt and made me feel sad. I wouldn't have done that to her and I wish that her and Maiju had ramps to their houses so I could get there easier. Suvi has changed since she's gotten married she's more focused on Brad and her sister in law Kelly, and her own life. At Suvi's wedding she promised me that she would spend time with me and she hasn't and it makes me sad. I need to move out and move on with my life just like they moved on with their lives, I'm not needed here this morning Jorma gave me one of his stupid looks and I wish that he would forgive me. But Finnish people they hold grudges against people and God doesn't hold grudges and the second you ask him for his forgiveness he gives it to you and I really wish Jorma would but he's to much of a child to do that. I know when I go to barns and noble tonight and when my mom and him pick me up he looks at me and I want to say "grow up".
I am so excited to go to New Hampshire tomorrow and get out of here for the night. I will talk to Dave, and I know that Stephanie, Chad, and Janet will tease Dave and I. I am going to ask him if he would like to get pizza after church on Sunday. So that way I wouldn't need to come back here where there is no love or compassion, I miss my dad like I've said he held this family together and now we're all falling apart, I left the Lutheran church. My sisters didn't like that and everyone there wants me back but it was boring there wasn't any upbeat music. I am so excited to hang out with Dave too :). I would be so happy if this worked out, I would have the biggest smile to me and I know my dad would come in my dream and tease me in my dreams and I would tell him to shut up and get out. I want a boyfriend who will see past my wheelchair and disabilities, yes I have 3 of them but I am smart, I can read 60 pages a day, do fill in puzzles and count my own money.
I went to Ellen's today and I was telling her about tomorrow and everything and how I cannot wait! After we left Ellen's we went to burger king then went to Leominster Hospital where Stephanie had her appointment. I went to the volunteer office because if the day program won't hire me back then I will want to go work at the cancer center. I want to do something up beat other than sit here all the time it gets boring and I want to help out there. Stephanie told me that tomorrow night is going to be a long night because we probably won't get back to my house until 1am or 1:30 I'm sure that I will pass out in the van. My meds usually kick in by 12:30 Stephanie will already put my pj's on so when I get here all my mom needs to do is put me in bed. I like when I have busy weekends, it makes me forget that I am disabled and it makes me feel human too. I need to go out and live and have fun just like the rest of the world does :), tonight I was out until 8pm I spent 8 hours away from here and I loved every second of it. I don't like being here it's so boring here and when we got home Jorma came down stairs in his boxers and its creepy, I don't like seeing that but what I am going to do? oh well if my mom and him want to live in sin they can. I saw my friend Dave from FHS and he helped me get my highschool diploma when FHS didn't want to give it to me, allot of people helped me out there and I am so grateful for them.

I am so excited for tomorrow, the only hard part is seeing the sun set because that's how my dad told me that he was done fighting his cancer. Today when Stephanie and I went to Leominster hospital, we were on Foster Wing and that's the the floor where my dad died. When I saw that floor again it brought back the memory of when I said "dad, you taught me enough you taught me how to live even though I am this disabled and you taught me to trust God than doctors" when I left him that night he said "I love you my chocolate queen". He would be proud of the woman that I've turned out to be, I go to church and every where and I don't let my disabilities stop me. I know that he would be very proud of me for all the things that I do. I know that tomorrow he is going to be watching me and I know that he'll come in my dream tomorrow night and say "so, you went on a date". I'll never forget when he told Dave my ex boyfriend "so you're the guy my daughter likes?" and I told him to get off campus so fast. I miss him, he held the family together and now it's all falling apart and we are all in these groups and it's stupid. I wish that Suvi and Maiju would have ramps on their houses and would forgive me but as I've said in the past Finnish people hold grudges against people that they are mad at. I can't wait to move out of here and get away from all this stress, and I know that Maiju will call my new family, but the night before I move I am going to request that she leaves me past behind me and let me start fresh.

I've been up since 7:35 this morning!!

I've been awake since 7:35 because my heel hurts and I tried to get my moms attention and it's already red and I am so annoyed with her right now! I really want the hospital bed because that mattress could be better for my heel but my mom says "you'll need to be lifted". But in the past when I had one in 2008 I didn't need to be lifted then, I really hope that I can move out of here I can't take it here anymore. Jorma gives me these looks my mom doesn't interact with me, she's busy with her life and I am always getting rejected by her! It makes me miss my dad allot he held this whole family together and now its falling apart. Jorma doesn't like church because he would rather drink beer December of 2010 I went to a boiler room prayer and they asked him "do you want to come in?" and he said "no, church isn't for me". I wanted to say "then why bother going to the Finnish church if you don't like church?" When I saw him change the house around it brought tears to my eyes because of my dad, I miss him allot I miss when he would come spend time with me and come to MHS. I miss going skiing with him, I just miss him in general. When Maiju put him down like that when she was telling Stephanie that Jorma's better for my mom I was surprised so was Dale. Because she said that they always talked nice about him and always told funny stories to Dale about my dad. When I go and buy chocolate God probably tells him "there goes your chocolate queen again" and he probably laughs and says "that's my chocolate queen" :)

I hate when my back gets so tight but when I put a ice bottle behind the tendon it makes it go smaller and it hurts but it opens the blood vessel and it feels so weird after. I wish that I had listened to the the doctor's at MHS because I wouldn't be in this much pain I miss pain management they use to massage the tendons and it helped me allot. I was getting deep tissue massages in March and I wonder if I should start them again the reason why I stopped was because Pam (Stephanie's mom) got in the way. But the only thing is that insurance only pays for so much but at mhs I got the massages every Wednesday. The other day at Shaw's a lady asked me where did I learn how to do that all on my own I said "when I was 13 my parents took me out of public school and they put me at a special school for disabled people and they taught us more than public school ever could". Ellen my therapist even sent a girl there her mom was looking for a different school because she wasn't learning anything good in public school. MHS was the best school, I learned allot there and I miss it. The only thing is that now half the people I use to talk to they don't talk to me. I had a friend Liz but the real time we really talked was in 2008 at camp, after that we went our own ways. She's on my face book but when I go and say "hi" to her she never responds and it's to bad. But I've got Dawn and she's always texting, or leaving me comments and we both have the same disabilities so that makes it allot easier. When we are together we are triple trouble the things we use to bad things. Summer 2007 my mom went to Finland so my friend Jenny came up and we went to the bar and then we had a party and we drank.

On Saturday I am going with Stephanie and her friends to Kimball's in Jaffery New Hampshire and it's a bunch of different churches and bands and allot of fun too :). Janet my friend from church her brother goes to my church Horizon and once I dropped my water bottle on the floor and he picked it up. I am going to talk with him on Saturday and I'm going to ask him if after church on Sunday would he like to get some pizza for lunch with me? I know that on Saturday my dad will be watching me and probably come in my dream on Saturday night. With a huge smirk to his face, I've wanted a born again Christian boyfriend for the longest time and now I'm probably going to get one and I know that when I am alone with him Stephanie is going to talk to God. I am excited to go there and get out of this house, I won't be back until 12am. But that's okay I stay up that late any way, I know when my mom puts me in bed I'm probably going to pass out. But I won't be stuck in Fitchburg it gets so boring here. Besides my mom is going to my aunts and uncles on Saturday anyway my aunt came back from Finland (that's where my family is from) and she brought back some Finnish bread that they want to try. I love the Finnish fair that they have end of September because they have Finnish chocolate that I love and it's my favorite it's rich. When I go back to the park where my mom sells her Finnish coffee bread it brings back the memories of when my dad was alive. I am sure that he would be pretty proud of me, of all the things that I still do even though I am this disabled.

I am so tired right now, I wish that I could get the hospital bed it would make my life so much easier but my mom doesn't want to get it. Today when I went to Stephanie's moms house she has a boy there my age and his friend came over and he's so smart and he's in a day program he graduated from college. I was telling Stephanie that in 2004 my mom and sisters tired to put me at seven hills day program but I wasn't going to learn anything there only sit there and do nothing. I know people from MHS who are in day programs and they are so smart but instead they sit there and waste away their days, December 2007 when I got lost in Florida when they found me Miia came out and talked with me and she said "you're going into a day program". They never put me in one thank GOD, I wouldn't want to be in one they get so boring I don't mind helping out in one but sitting in one all day that would get boring. Tomorrow I go see Ellen and she's looking to getting me a job at a group home and I would help them I want to get the iPhone and my mom won't put me on her plan so I am looking into Avon and that so that I can get that phone, my ipod is small and I could drop it. The reason why I went to metro to have my own plan so that my mom didn't need to pay for my bill and she got mad at me when I got the phone I though that she would be happy but whatever I'm just trying to be independent. Tomorrow night I will go to barns and noble and finish my book and look around and that makes me forget that I am disabled too :)

I really want my job back pray!

So Stephanie can't come in today and my mom was getting me up and she said "Suvi is making me fish and I'm going there from 4:30-5:30" I don't get why she can give all her time to everyone else but when it comes to me I'm just her option. I've had enough, it makes me want to be even more like my sisters because they get all of her time and the only time I get is when she's putting me in bed and taking me out and dressing me other than that she's watching TV, talking on the phone or she's out. No wonder why I get these seizure's because of all the stress that I go through between Jorma, my mom and I. I had one right when I got up, I'm going to ask my primary doctor if he can put me on ativan because maybe that would help calm them down. I'm sick of having them, my whole body goes numb and it's an odd feeling too. My mom doesn't believe me when I say that I have them but she doesn't spend any time with me she's to busy with Jorma, the phone, and my sisters and my aunts. I need to be broken out of them, I hate when they happen too my whole body goes numb and when I come out of one my body shakes. I hate when I get them going down to the library, church or any where. Around my house is fine because I'm safe but when I'm out and about driving home or going some where one minute I'm one side of the street and the next minute I'm on the other side. It scares me when I have them and when Stephanie isn't here to break them they can last up to two minutes. Everything is getting worse, my pain, my spasms and its draining me out and it makes me want to scream and sometimes the tears come down my face.

I know that Jorma will need to go with my mom because he is a baby and needs his mommy all the time, and he's to immature to ask me to move. He needed to get by me and he was in the living room and he got up and and he looked at me and that sat back down and I wanted to say "all you need to do is ask me to move and I will" when I've told him that before he says "no, you don't need to move" but when I move out of the kitchen he goes in there and one of these times I am going to say "so, why did you lie to me? you told me that you didn't need to get in here but the second that I left you came in here". I'm sick of him, I miss my dad, he held this whole family together and now that he's gone the family has gone into these groups. Such as Miia, Maiju and Suvi are in one group because they are married and Miia and Maiju are in another group because they have kids. Janet my friend from church all her sisters are married and she's 28 too, and I saw her at barns and noble last Saturday and we got talking how frustrating it is to see all our sisters married and we aren't and every guy that we date they never work out. It gets so frustrating every guy that I date they never work out and it would make my life allot easier if I had a boyfriend who I could call and let out my frustrations and he would make me feel better. Such as when Chris was in my life he would come online or call me and he would make me feel better about myself and that's what I need. I want a good boyfriend who loves the Lord and see's past my wheelchair and disabilities and who will take me out since my mom doesn't want too, she does but Jorma needs to come with us every where. He can't be left alone for a second and he's 60 and he can live without my mom but he always needs his mommy, that's another reason why I am hoping to get into shared living quickly to get out of this stressful house that's where my seizure's are coming from all this stress!

I waited an hour and half for my doctor to show up but he never did so I left there at 12:30 and I could make it to the library so I got pizza first then went to the library and I see the people from the ARC and the clients were telling me that they missed having me there. I liked going there but the director wasn't very friendly towards me but hopefully she'll let me get my job back. I do know that I will lose Stephanie if I go there but oh well, she's always stressed out with something in her life and all this drama that goes on with the 20 year olds.  They've got their boyfriends and friends and all this other drama, but I really liked helping at the arc it helped me forget that I was disabled and it got me away from here for four hours. Being here and doing the same thing every day it gets boring and with Stephanie I can never stay in the house and yesterday I did get her to come here and I knew she really didn't want to come here but I was in pain. But I really want to go back to the arc and help them out I miss it and it really did help me forget that I was disabled and I need it, and I liked helping there and like I said my disabilities went away. My mom came home at 4:20 and then she left for Suvi's and the whole time that I was here alone I kept thinking I need to move out, my mom will interact with every one else but when it comes to me she doesn't. I wish that she would, I know that Jorma doesn't like when I go out with them I bet he can't wait until the day that I move out. Then he can have her all to himself and he doesn't mind sharing her with my sisters or my aunts but when it comes to me I am some how different in his book and I really wish I wasn't because I'm really not different I just can't walk. But I am hoping to get my job back at the arc I miss the clients. I know that Alycia needs me there too because her pca's at her group home open everything for her and when I worked there I wouldn't because at MHS we had to do things that we could ourselves and she's gotten lazier and I really need to be there.

I really hope that I get my job back at the arc, I miss working there and encouraging the clients. They all miss me and I miss them we would play games with them have life skills with them. Go for walks and it really made me feel better for myself, when I'm here I see Jorma and that makes me miss my dad. I see Suvi come home on her lunch breaks and when I see her wedding ring it makes me sad, because she doesn't even have a ramp on her house either does Maiju and that's proof to me right there that they really don't want me in their lives. If they really did want me in their lives they would have ramps in their houses and they don't. I wouldn't do that to them if they were in my shoes I would build a ramp and want to spend time with them but they tell me that I treat my mom badly so they don't want to come visit me. I don't treat my mom badly I just tell her how I am feeling and Nancy our family friend tells me that I complain to her. So I will simply move on from all of them and forget about them and if they want me in their lives they can come visit me. But I really want my job back at the arc I miss it allot when I'm there I don't feel disabled, just as at church I don't feel disabled there either so I like both places.

more seizures today!

I see all my friends from MHS and they all have lives and have graduated from college, I really wish that public school wouldn't have taken me out of MHS because I could have graduated college and been out of this house and not be stuck in Fitchburg. No one needs me here every one has their own life and I know once seven hills or another day program hires me than Stephanie will be find another job, but I need to volunteer to make me feel good about myself and I can't always stay here there is nothing to do here. I am also hoping that I can get into shared living soon, my mom doesn't spend any time with me she's always watching tv or talking on the phone. I really wish that she would get the hospital bed, this one isn't comfortable and I can't turn or fix myself and in a hospital bed it would make it easier on both of us but she doesn't want to make it easier on us and its frustrating. At MHS I had allot of fun, I played basketball, I did track but doing all those messed up my back. I remember going back there because my new manual chair was ready and when I went back there I didn't want to leave. The whole year at FHS was a waste of my time I didn't learn anything. Ellen my therapist that I see once a week, she had a disabled girl and her mom asked her would she know of a better school? and Ellen said "yes, my other client went to Mass Hospital School they taught her how to live and you should send your daughter there" and the mom did. A month ago I was in Wal-mart and I saw this mom and she asked me "how did you become that independent?" I said "send him to MHS" they taught me allot of good and the memories will last me a life time
I cannot wait to move out of this house and away from all this stress that goes on here! As I said before there is no love and there is allot of tension here too and I hate it. I can't wait to move out and start to live and not be stuck here, I don't mind working on my quotes and bible verses but I always am doing it alone. Yesterday when Stephanie and I came home my mom said "I need to go buy something for my new bike" I was very tempted to say "you had all day to do it", she'll do that right when I come home she'll go out and that proves to me that she doesn't need or want me and it's not a good feeling. When I come home from church or some where Lacy is the only one who is excited to see me and my mom and Jorma kind of ignore me but Lacy goes nuts and her tail wags and she gets so happy to see me and it's so cute. I really do love her, she'll sleep with me and when Stephanie or my mom gets me out of bed she needs to watch them to make sure that they are doing their jobs right and it's cute and I love her. She is the one who got me off my anti depressants and she is the one who got me to accept my colostomy and when I move out she needs to come with me now that I know what Jorma really does to her and it's not good what he does to her. Lately she's been different and I honestly think when I'm not here he must do something to her where my mom can't see, but God can see everything he can see the way he really treats me. He is my witness and even though my sisters don't believe me how rude he is God knows and I am thankful that God can see it :)
I honestly think these seizures come from stress between dealing with my mom, right now she's talking on the phone. I really wish that she would give me more of her time but she doesn't. I am hoping that dds can find me some where soon, my dds worker is on vacation until next week. I meet with her and Ellen and I cannot wait to move out of here there is no love here. I am hoping that the seizures will leave as well because one minute I know what I am doing and the next minute I don't and when Stephanie's not here no one is here to break them and when Stephanie is here she keeps saying my name until I respond to her. My mom would rather talk on the phone or do something else than talk with me and I am sick of sitting in my room every night alone she doesn't believe me when I get the seizures but she's never around me enough to see them happen or help me out of them and I wish that she would give me more of her time but soon enough I will be gone and her and Jorma can live in sin and do whatever they want too and then they can move to Florida.
I hate how lately my body has been so much more spastic my legs hurt more and when my leg is spasming my heal is digging in, my life gets pretty frustrating. But as I said before God pulls me through my days even when the pain is so high he always is able to calm me down and distract me so that's a good thing. I am very thankful for him without him I would probably be getting drunk and doing all this bad things that I use too but since August 2008 I quit all that and he's slowly working on me. No one is perfect expect for him but I really want him to send me a Christian boyfriend who can help me when I get these spasms and this pain, when Chris was in my life he use to distract me he would call me or im me and I want a boyfriend who can help me with my spasms and pain. My pain has gotten worse so next month I am going to ask the doctor to please give me botox in my legs and my back. When I was at MHS I over did the sports and ever the sports but I was mad at the cancer so I took it off on the sports but when I over did the sports I hurt my body and now I wish I would have listened to the doctors and every one but it's to late for now. But I hate when my body spasms and I have seizure's those two really stress me out

I need allot of prayer!

I really need to move out, there is no love in this house. At nights my mom wants to hurry up and put me in bed so that she can go upstairs with Jorma and it's like I can only move so fast. I wish that she would use the hoyer lift but she won't when I get into shared living I'm using the hoyer lift and I know by then Stephanie wants a full time job and I want to go to help out at a day program to forget about my disabilities. I can't reach things in the kitchen and I always need to ask someone and I'm just burnt out and how my mom isn't there to stop my seizure's either that's not a good thing either she's so busy with her life that I'm really not important and I need to move out and start my life I'm 28 years old and all my sisters all are out of the house so I need to be too and have fun and live. Because what if God takes me one night and I haven't lived my life?
I really hope that Stephanie doesn't talk about Chad the whole day today because it gets annoying, I know that she likes him but she doesn't need to remind me every second. It makes me feel bad about myself and it makes me want to be different. Chad the guy that she's dating their planning on having kids and getting married. I know by then I will have moved on and so will she. She doesn't want me to go to work and I know that she'll quit and I will need to find a new pca and that's a pain to do because finding a new one and training them. I only want Christians and who are willing to do things with me more, I like to read, go to barns and noble where Stephanie is different but oh well. I know God will take care of me he always does and always will. I don't mind her having a boyfriend I just wish that she wouldn't bring up the subject it gets annoying, I've gotten more distance with her since she got Chad I guess because she's young and in love. I really need to find a older pca who is married, I can't deal with all these teenagers with their drama lives it gets very stressful and annoying, I miss Dale but it was her time to move on. God only has people in our lives for a while such as my dad he taught me how to live even though I am disabled. He taught me that just because I am disabled doesn't mean that I still can't live. Last July I knew it was Dale's timing to move on and we still text and when she is at Mary's I stop over there and she gets so happy :)
I tried to convince my mom about getting me the hospital bed but she won't, the transfers aren't that easy to do. She's always complaing that her back hurts her so badly and if I got a hospital bed it would make it easier on both of us but she doesn't want to make it easier on her and I wish that she would but oh well its her back if she wants to suffer like that she can and she can keep hurting her back and hurting my body too. It's not fair that I always need to hurt my back and she could make her life allot more easier but she doesn't want to make it easier. Right now I've got a full size bed and transfering into it that's not easy there isn't any thing to grab on too except these sheets that aren't real helpful. Even my neurologist said it would be better for my mom and I but she wants to keep making her life harder that choice is hers. She could be using the hoyer lift to help her but she doesn't want to use that and all these doctors are always trying to help her but she doesn't take the help. I wish that she would, it hurts to get into bed and out of bed and when I get into shared living I am going to get the hospital bed and use the hoyer lift too I won't be hurting my body.
I need to move out of here soon because I asked my mom to pick up muffins and she's so comfortable on the couch that she won't. It gets very annoying too. I meet with Ann from dds next Friday and I am hoping that she can get me into a more loving family, I can't live here anymore it's way to stressful and I don't understand why my mom can give so much of her time to my sisters and her sisters and Jorma but when it comes to me I'm just her option and when Stephanie and I got back here this afternoon. Jorma and her went out and they had all day to that, I feel rejected and useless to my mom and that's not a good feeling. I wish that she wanted me around more but she doesn't and I really wish that she did. I will scream the day day Ann from dds calls me and tells me that they found me a shared living place to live, I will need to take Lacy though because I've had her from birth and I just can't ditch her. I know that my mom is tired tonight so she might rush to put me in bed but when she does that it hurts my body that's why I am hoping that Ann can get me more pca hours so that when I get my job at seven hills I can have more pca's here and my mom doesn't need to put me to bed and maybe even get a night pca until I get into shared living. As I've said before sometimes I am calling for my moms attention but she doesn't come and it gets very annoying!