It felt good to talk to Dale yesterday, I was able to tell her what Maiju said and she said that I need to be more bold with them. I don't like to be because I know how they can be and and how mad my family gets if I stick up for myself. I am glad that I have people to encourage me I need that it helps me feel better about myself. There is no love in this house, Jorma never looks happy with me and he hasn't forgave me and probably never will. I know that he won't like how I am going out with my mom today because he wants all her attention and doesn't mind sharing it with my sisters but when it comes to me he does mind. My mom and I have gotten more distance and yes she buys me things but when she goes out with me Jorma doesn't like it. But I'm her daughter too and I need time with her too, on Monday when I went to sit out there with my mom Jorma didn't like it. I don't understand why he doesn't mind my sisters but when it comes to me, he kind of ignores and treats me wrong and I've had enough of him.
I wish I had a camera to show my sisters how rude he really is, they all love him. When Maiju was putting our dad down and saying that Jorma is better for my mom I was shocked. I know that she might have been jealous that he spent more time with me, but look what he taught me he taught me how to live and if I would have Jorma as my dad then I wouldn't be this outgoing. Yesterday I told my mom that I'm not going to Dawn's because she was complain how it was so far away. I told Dawn that I just didn't feel like hearing it from her and how my mom wanted me to take the train out there. I wish I could talk to my mom about it but she won't, and I know today that when I go out with my mom I will be getting looks from Jorma and Dale said to ask "what was that look for?" he says all these things to me but when I ask him what did he say he says "nothing" and tomorrow my mom and him will go to Finnish church and I don't see why they go when they come back and keep living in sin. I need to get away from here and out of here. Who knows what will happen with Stephanie and I, she's so into a guy that she likes and today she's with him. I want and need to find a boyfriend who will take me out and see past my disabilities.
I thought that today I could have time with my mom alone but of course not Jorma had to come with us, I wish I could have time just her and I. But he needs to be with her 24/7, it gets very frustrating how I can't get any alone time with my mom. At nights she watches tv and I know if I go talk to her she'll ignore me or tell people that I complain. When Nancy our family friend told me that I should go complain to her I wanted to say "I don't complain I just go talk to her" but I can't even do that. On the way to target Jorma had a huge frown to his face and it's kind of like he is a kid he doesn't want me around. When I come back here from church and they love me, but when I come back here I don't feel loved or needed and it's the worst feeling there is. I first went to the library they are now open on Saturday's from 10-2, so when Stephanie has other plans I can go there, I got a Karen Kingsburry book the other book I got the second book and I don't know if I will read it. After church I will read it. I like going down town I wish the library was open more, but I do qualify for shared living so I am praying that I do get in there fast. Fitchburg is dead, the library is boring and there isn't a whole lot to do here but in Leominster there is allot to do there.
My cold is finally going away :) I am happy, now my mom has it. I guess it's going around, I still have alittle cough but not as bad as I did. Tomorrow is church and I love going there everyone loves me and they see past my wheelchair and disabilities. I usually sit with Kayley, she said end of this month we will need to plan a girls night and Stephanie agreed. We will all make our own deserts Stephanie and I will make cookies and brownies and I know that on my birthday Becca made her own pizza, after that I will ask if a few of the girls will want to sleep over. I know my mom won't leave because in July I ended up in the hospital and when she came and got me from the hospital when she was putting me to bed that night she said "no more girls nights I am going to put you at the respite house".
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