I have a cold and it kept me up half the night, I only slept 3 hours. The cough kept me up and the stuffy nose, I am praying that it will go away soon. Stephanie had it last week and I was around her so Sunday after church I came home and took a long nap and that's when the coughing and stuffy nose began and it gets so frustrating because I'm so tired right now and I'm really tired. My body has been spasming allot lately too and it gets so frustrating and the pain is worse too and when the pain and spasm are together it creates a huge mess and I hate it. I was so glad that I had Stephanie here with me last night because I kept shaking and spasming and she was able to keep me calm. I am hoping to get more pca hours so that I can hire someone from 6-11 so that way my nights will be shorter, when my mom sits out in the living room my nights are long. I really hope that Ann can get me more pca hours I'm sick of sitting in my room alone at nights I do have Lacy with me so that's a good thing and God too so them two will never leave me :)
Stephanie called my doctor today to see if he can get me some other cough medication the one I take now really doesn't work and I kept waking up and falling asleep. Since I have the md, and cp it makes my immune system weaker than others. So I always need to be more careful, it gets frustrating too. But God helps me, he's gotten me this far in life and I think that he'll keep me in good hands even though my family thinks that I'm going to hell. I've gotten this far, I don't think that God would let me down even more. He loves me and I love him when I go out on my own I know that he's with me and he'll never leave me so I'm fine with that :). I am so thankful that my dad taught me about God before he went home, he taught me to trust him more than doctors because doctors can only do so much but God can do so much more :). I always find songs that I can relate too or a quote and if it's a song then I put it on my ipod and if I find a quote or a bible verse then I write it down. I have so many good quotes and bible verses :)
I can't live here anymore, my colostomy leaked and I use this duoderm around my skin and my mom came back from CVS and she said "you and Stephanie can't use the whole thing" I said "there is more coming". I am sick of her complaing about every thing, it's getting to be way to much. On Friday I am meeting with Ann from dds and I am hoping to get the heck out of here soon! I can't live here anymore, it's way to stressful and it's not fair. I knew that she didn't like how Stephanie did the over night last night but my mom doesn't interact with me right now she's blabbing away to who knows who. I'm burnt out I'm sick of being in my room every night with no human interaction but right if Maiju or Suvi were to come she'd quickly give her time to them. I love and respect her but she could give me more of her time but she would rather talk on the phone or watch TV she doesn't know a single thing about me, all she see's is my wheelchair and nothing else and I wish that she would see more than that, I am more than my wheelchair and disabilities. I wish that she would see past my wheelchair and disabilities and give me more of her time but oh well it's her loss.
This morning I was having Stephanie change my joy stick to the right side and my mom saw her going to change it and she told her "no", I really need to move she doesn't need me she has all the people that she wants and needs in her life. Its frustrating how I'm just her option when everyone else is her priority. Last Sunday I didn't come home right away from church and she asked me "what took so long?" I didn't want to tell her that I had to talk to people, I had so much on my mind that I had to get it off my chest and have people pray for me, I wish that cross roads wanted me. But Jay the main usher told Stephanie if I didn't complain about my mom and Jorma it wouldn't be a big deal but since I am always complaing about them they don't want me there. But I don't always complain about them two only if something is bugging me and I don't understand why I can't talk to them what's on my mind. They talk to everyone else but when it comes to me I'm different, but thank God people at Horizon church they are willing to listen to me and talk and pray with me. I feel welcome there, and when I come home I don't feel welcome and I should but I don't.
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