My mom is always so concerned about my showers, and my laundry. She'll do my laundry but she won't do my showers, I always want to say "if you're so concerned about my showers why don't you do them? because you are my pca too and you put down hours then you should do them" but she always says "I'm burnt out". I hate hearing about my showers they take allot out of me they aren't easy and if she would use the hoyer lift than my life would be easier but she chooses not too and I really wish that she would because I always hurt my back and I know that it hurts my moms back too but she doesn't want to make her life easier.
I really want a job, right now Stephanie is sick and isn't coming in until 4 and I am so bored. This Friday I am going to meet with my dds worker and I am going to ask her if she can get me a night time job at a group home and during the days I can go to the cancer center and save the pca hours for night times. I need to do something convent during the days, I'm either at doctor's appointments or at Stephanie's house. I want to do something different doing the same thing every day it gets boring. In September Stephanie will be taking the cna course and I know once she's done that then she'll find a full time job and I know that Chad her boyfriend wants to marry her. So they'll probably be planning a wedding next summer at this time and I am hoping to be moved out of this house by then.
This afternoon I told my mom that I canceled my dentist appointment and she got mad but I've had 6 doctor appointments in this month and having a 7th one I couldn't handle. Stephanie came here 4-9 and when my mom came down stairs I said "I'm sorry" and she said "we waited 3 months for this appointment and you eat all that junk food and I don't care anymore so eat all that junk food" and when she said that she didn't care anymore it brought tears to my eyes because she gave up on me and it's not a good feeling right now and I've been quiet since this afternoon. I do know that tomorrow Maiju is going to call dds and going to have them find me a group home to go too because my mom no longer wants me here and it makes me sad. I wish that my mom would talk to me but she won't anymore, I didn't like how my mom went behind my back and made the appointment I wouldn't have done that to her. When I have all these appointments I hate them because it reminds me that I am disabled and it's not a good feeling to have either.
Tomorrow after my baclofen pump gets filled Stephanie and I are going to this park in Worcester and I am excited, I am getting my pump filled at 11:30 and we'll probably be out of there by 12:30 and we'll pack our lunches and drinks I am going tp bring my puzzle book, the note book that I am writing my book and my ipod. I'm going to forget what has happened today and I am writing my mom a long email and asking for her forgiveness. She came down stairs and went for a shower and I had Stephanie put me in bed and when my mom came and rolled me she said "you never go to bed this early" then walked out and shut the door. Finnish people they hold grudges against others and they don't know how to forgive easily and I wish that would forgive me. But last week I had two doctor's appointments and I always have Ellen on Friday's at it does get stressful having all these doctor appointments. I know that now Jorma is going to bed mad also that I canceled my dentist appointment but they gave me a new date 12.27.11. I need to move out of here and leave my mom and Jorma alone and they can keep living in sin and do whatever they want to do and I will move out and leave them behind and forget about them. I know that Maiju and Suvi won't come visit me they don't visit me here so why would they visit me there?
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