spasming and I'm tired!

I can't believe that it's Thursday already, where does the time go? It's crazy, I've had my colostomy for almost 7 years it doesn't seem it. I've had Lacy for 6 years, I love her she sleeps with me every night. That's why where ever I move she needs to come with me, because if I move  then my mom and Jorma will move and she'll end up in a shelter. I can't do that do her, she follows me every where. I always tell her "if your ears, and tail were any bigger you could fly" and it's true. She always needs to watch my mom and Stephanie put me to bed and get me out of bed and when I am lonely she comes in my room.I don't mind be alone sometimes but every night from 5-11 I am alone in my room, my mom is so busy talking on the phone or whatever she does. I guess there comes a point in everyone's life, where you've had enough and that's what I've had enough of. I've been single for 7 months and I wish that I could find a boyfriend who I could hang out with and go out with. I want someone close to me, I need someone when I see Suvi and Brad together it makes me sad how I'm single. Her wedding was very hard, when she got engaed in 2007 and I found out it brought tears to my eyes. Then they bought a house and now they are going to move to Flordia, I wish I could go to my sisters but they'll me that I'm complaining to them just like my mom tells everyone at church that I complain. So I don't go to her and I know they don't like when I blog either and I can't please them at all.

Another thing that I can't believe is that I've been born again 3 years, I remember when Al invited me to go to cross roads and I went and ever since then I have changed. I really wish my mom would get rid of Jorma. Because he acts like a child in the living room he sits where he can't see me and in the dinning room, I wish that he would forgive me. I am happy that I am meeting with my dds worker tomorrow, I am going to tell her that I'm burnt out by living here and I'm just sick of being an option to my mom. I know my family didn't like that I left the faith but oh well. They'll never believe me when I tell them that I've gotten drunk, but I have and I know when I move out Maiju is going to tell my new family about my past. I am going to request that she doesn't. God forgets about my past and I wish my family would too, but they won't. Suvi told Pam that when I get mad I fire people. I fired Suvi because she was using me to pay for her wedding and I let Dale go because it was her timing. In the bible it talks about seasons and that people are only in your life for a season and Dale was in my life since 2006. When she first started with me I would swear like there was no tomorrow and when she left I had all worship music. So maybe Al was just in my life to get me out of the Lutheran church and to get me to really see God. I love the worship music, I clap and I raise my hands up. You cannot fall asleep at a born again church and there you don't need to take a class to take communion. When I went to my nephew's confirmation in May they wouldn't give me communion because I never took the class and I shook my head.

I hate being so spastic at nights, when I go see the special doctor next month I am going to ask her if she can please do botox again. I need it in my legs, on Wednesday I was going to have Stephanie change the joy stick and right when my mom saw her she said "no don't" but it's my wheelchair so why does she care? My pain also gets worse at nights too and I hate when both get worse. It drains me out that's why I had them give me another kind of medication for my pain the one wasn't helping. I don't want to be on all these meds but they do help me and I am thankful that I am on them, if I didn't have to be on them I wouldn't but I do. Such as drinking, when Miia my sister was up here she said "you shouldn't drink all that juice it's bad for your teeth you should drink water instead". But all my medication that I'm on they make thirsty and I have a catheter so that helps my mom out. My family needs allot of prayer, I need allot of prayer dealing with them. Tomorrow I will go to barns and noble again, I go shopping I read. I like the time alone, I get to forget about my problems and I need it, I forget that I am disabled. Just like on Tuesday when I went to the library myself I forgot that I was disabled.

Tomorrow I'm meeting with Ann my dds worker and Ellen and I'm hoping that they can get me out of here soon! I don't mind my mom so much it's more of Jorma that gets in my way. Tonight he had to get in the trash but he's to childish to ask me to move and I really wish that he would ask me because I would move for him and it's time for him to grow up just like the other day when he said something to me but when I asked him what did he say he said "I said nothing". Today when Stephanie left I started to cry because I miss my dad he held the family together and now the family has fallen apart. I am also going to ask Ann if I could help out in a group home at nights. I want to show them they can do allot for themselves. I once saw Alycia at Market Basket and her pca's were getting things that she could easily reach for herself.

Addison Road
Fight another day
Your broken dreams,
Your crazy schemes,
They always let you down.
The things we chase,
A hopeless race,
You're breathless, off the ground.
From soaring highs to crash-and-dives,
A peace yet to be found.



But you could spend a lifetime running.
You could spend a lifetime running.



And do you feel the fire when the flame gets hot?
Are you living every day like it's the last you got?
Will you step aside when it all falls down,
And watch it burn away?

Have a little faith when the walls cave in,
Pray for strength to fly against the wind.
Will you walk away when the fire gets hot,
Or fight another
Another day, yeah.
Another day, yeah.



Your fractured heart,
Your disregard,
It leaves you frozen still.
A slow withdrawal
From it all
That keeps you unfulfilled.

will you spend a lifetime running?
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
Cause you could spend a lifetime running!



And do you feel the fire when the flame gets hot?
Are you living every day like it's the last you got?
Will you step aside when it all falls down,
And watch it burn away?
Have a little faith when the walls cave in,
Pray for strength to fly against the wind.
Will you walk away when the fire gets hot,
Or fight another
Another day, yeah.
Another day, yeah.



Even when your heart's been broken,
He'll be there with arms wide open.
Be strong and his love will lead you to fight another day!


keep your head to the sun cause it's shining
keep your head to the sun cause it's shining