Please keep me in prayer

Last night when I told my mom that I went to go see Chris she got upset, but I need to live too. Jorma and her they are always out, either bike riding or shopping. I can't always stay here I need to live too and I'm burnt out by her and Jorma, last night she ignored me once again and I feel rejected and really unwanted by her. She can live but when it comes to me I just need to sit in my room and do nothing with my life, she wants me to take all these easy classes and she doesn't believe in me. I wish that I had a rewind button to when my dad was alive she was so much happier than, and then when it was his last month things fell apart. Now I'm just an option for her, and she calls herself my pca yet she won't shower, do my laundry and she doesn't care if I eat. Tomorrow when I meet with Ann my dds worker I am going to see if she got me more pca hours because if she did then I am hiring another pca at nights who will sit in my room. It's not fair that Stephanie needs to do all my showers and everything so I am going to hire someone else. I can't sit in my room every night alone, I'm going to tell Ann that I can't do it anymore. I'm sick of the rejection, being lonely at nights and how she tells me that I eat all this junk food. I was tempted to say "fine, I won't eat anymore" on Tuesday morning I really didn't want to eat but Stephanie got me to eat even though I didn't want too she got me too.
So Stephanie couldn't come in because she had some sort of drama and my mom was saying "all you Christian's lie, you lie and then going to church" and she kept going on and on. I blocked my ears because I couldn't take it and around 11 she said "do you want to go out?" I just ignored her and I'm so stressed that I can't even eat. My mom is even rude to Lacy and I'm sick of her and I wish I wasn't me, I wish that I was one of my sisters they all have lives. I know that Chris isn't coming back I'm giving up on love, it's useless because every guy that I like they always leave. I am sick of being disabled too, cancer just didn't take my dad it took my mom too. She use to be so compassionate and now she's really not and I hate it and I wish I was one of my sisters because she'll talk to them and give them the time and day. I don't want to go out today, I'm annoyed with Stephanie and my mom. When I see my wheelchair in the mornings I hate it, and I want to be someone else. I'm just burnt out and I wish that I wasn't me and I'm done with this stupid wheelchair and disabilities. I am giving up on Chris too, because I know that he's so busy getting out. I wish my mom wouldn't put me down like she does and she doesn't realize when she does it hurts. On Monday she told Stephanie and I that she doesn't care, she doesn't care if I eat anymore. When I fired Dale because of something I quit eating, and once Dale saw me and she saw how skinny I was. My mom doesn't want me to eat because of my teeth and it's sad how the enemy took her too she use to be so compassionate until Jorma came in our lives then she changed. It gets stressful and I want to be someone else and if she only knew how much she put me down but she really doesn't care. It's not a good feeling, she has totally walked away from God and it's to bad because she use to go to church but then Jorma came into the picture and now he controls her and it makes me sad. Lacy is barking outside right now and they are ignoring her and I feel bad. My mom takes her anger out on Lacy too, and it's like she does nothing to her, it makes me sad and brings tears to my eyes.
I am so sick of this pain and spasms, my heel always hurts so does my back and my back is always spasming! I wish I had a rewind button when my life wasn't this hard, I'm sick of the pain and spasm. The pain gets to be so bad and my heel is hurting and I can't have it on the foot plate because it hurts but when it hangs it hurts too! I can't deal with it anymore and its getting to be way to hard and I wish that I was one of my sisters they don't live in this stupid pain or spasm and I hate the pain and spasm it gets very annoying. I wish that I could find a boyfriend I know that Chris doesn't want me back he's so busy with his life he's always out with his cousin and yesterday when he said "I'll call you" I knew that he wouldn't and didn't. When I see my sisters with their husbands I want to be them because they aren't trapped in a body that is annoying. It gets to be over whelming for me and I can't go to my mom because she says that I'm complain and I wish my life was easier and I'm tired of the pain and spasm. I want a rewind button to when my life was easier and I know that I can never have that life back, and tomorrow I am meeting with Ann my dds worker and I'm going to ask her if she got me more pca hours I need someone to sit in my room and help me keep calm while a spasm starts. I need to be reminded to be stay relaxed and not to get to upset because the more upset I get the longer the pain and spasm gets to be and my mom she just sits out in the living room watching tv and doing her own thing while I'm in here in allot of pain.
Tomorrow when I meet with Ann my dds worker I am going to see if she can get me a job at the group home something different for me to do, I get bored here at nights it's the same thing every night and I need something different. I do want to work at the cancer center too and I know when I work there I will loose Stephanie she wants a full time job. But she's really not that dependable because she'll call out like today she was busy with her friend and whatever and I need someone who is more dependable. I also want to go work at the cancer center and cheer them up and it would help me too because I know what it's like to live in pain all the time and I know what it's like to get worse. I also want to give back since my dad went through all that and help them out too and make them feel good about themselves and last Friday when I asked Stephanie to fill out the paper work she didn't want too she only filled out half of it and said "we'll finish it another day" tomorrow will be a week and I really want her to fill it out. I need to feel good about myself and the days that she calls out I get bored but my mom took me out and I was thankful but other wise I would have been stuck here alone again. I need change and I can't always do the same thing every night and every day and I want to go help out at the cancer site because if I hear someone say they can't handle the colostomy I can say "I have it and it's really not that hard it is at first when you're first getting use to it but I am alive and here all because of it and if you get a dog or cat they'll help you". I will carry a picture of Lacy and I in my wallet and show them. Lacy right now is waiting to get in bed she loves to sleep with me and that's her favorite time of night she'll sleep right next to me and when I come home from some where she gets so happy to see me. When I come home from church her tail goes and she gets so happy, I won't be able to go to church this Sunday we are going to get a hurricane but I have my puzzle books, my book, and I can watch tv on my computer too :)