I really need to move out, there is no love in this house. At nights my mom wants to hurry up and put me in bed so that she can go upstairs with Jorma and it's like I can only move so fast. I wish that she would use the hoyer lift but she won't when I get into shared living I'm using the hoyer lift and I know by then Stephanie wants a full time job and I want to go to help out at a day program to forget about my disabilities. I can't reach things in the kitchen and I always need to ask someone and I'm just burnt out and how my mom isn't there to stop my seizure's either that's not a good thing either she's so busy with her life that I'm really not important and I need to move out and start my life I'm 28 years old and all my sisters all are out of the house so I need to be too and have fun and live. Because what if God takes me one night and I haven't lived my life?
I really hope that Stephanie doesn't talk about Chad the whole day today because it gets annoying, I know that she likes him but she doesn't need to remind me every second. It makes me feel bad about myself and it makes me want to be different. Chad the guy that she's dating their planning on having kids and getting married. I know by then I will have moved on and so will she. She doesn't want me to go to work and I know that she'll quit and I will need to find a new pca and that's a pain to do because finding a new one and training them. I only want Christians and who are willing to do things with me more, I like to read, go to barns and noble where Stephanie is different but oh well. I know God will take care of me he always does and always will. I don't mind her having a boyfriend I just wish that she wouldn't bring up the subject it gets annoying, I've gotten more distance with her since she got Chad I guess because she's young and in love. I really need to find a older pca who is married, I can't deal with all these teenagers with their drama lives it gets very stressful and annoying, I miss Dale but it was her time to move on. God only has people in our lives for a while such as my dad he taught me how to live even though I am disabled. He taught me that just because I am disabled doesn't mean that I still can't live. Last July I knew it was Dale's timing to move on and we still text and when she is at Mary's I stop over there and she gets so happy :)
I tried to convince my mom about getting me the hospital bed but she won't, the transfers aren't that easy to do. She's always complaing that her back hurts her so badly and if I got a hospital bed it would make it easier on both of us but she doesn't want to make it easier on her and I wish that she would but oh well its her back if she wants to suffer like that she can and she can keep hurting her back and hurting my body too. It's not fair that I always need to hurt my back and she could make her life allot more easier but she doesn't want to make it easier. Right now I've got a full size bed and transfering into it that's not easy there isn't any thing to grab on too except these sheets that aren't real helpful. Even my neurologist said it would be better for my mom and I but she wants to keep making her life harder that choice is hers. She could be using the hoyer lift to help her but she doesn't want to use that and all these doctors are always trying to help her but she doesn't take the help. I wish that she would, it hurts to get into bed and out of bed and when I get into shared living I am going to get the hospital bed and use the hoyer lift too I won't be hurting my body.
I need to move out of here soon because I asked my mom to pick up muffins and she's so comfortable on the couch that she won't. It gets very annoying too. I meet with Ann from dds next Friday and I am hoping that she can get me into a more loving family, I can't live here anymore it's way to stressful and I don't understand why my mom can give so much of her time to my sisters and her sisters and Jorma but when it comes to me I'm just her option and when Stephanie and I got back here this afternoon. Jorma and her went out and they had all day to that, I feel rejected and useless to my mom and that's not a good feeling. I wish that she wanted me around more but she doesn't and I really wish that she did. I will scream the day day Ann from dds calls me and tells me that they found me a shared living place to live, I will need to take Lacy though because I've had her from birth and I just can't ditch her. I know that my mom is tired tonight so she might rush to put me in bed but when she does that it hurts my body that's why I am hoping that Ann can get me more pca hours so that when I get my job at seven hills I can have more pca's here and my mom doesn't need to put me to bed and maybe even get a night pca until I get into shared living. As I've said before sometimes I am calling for my moms attention but she doesn't come and it gets very annoying!
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