stressed out

I am so thankful that I have Dawn who I can turn too when no one else understands me, she understands what it's like not to walk or see and be the only disabled one in the family. But Dawn will talk to me and listen to me and I can tell her what's on my mind and I love Dawn she's like my older sister when I can't turn to someone I can text her. Today I'm getting the iphone so that way I can talk to her when ever I need too. I tried Stephanie's iphone and it was so much easier to text and use. I want to pay for my own bills, I don't always need to depend on my mom yes I'm disabled but I can pay for bills and I'm not dumb I know how to count money. When I was at FHS they taught the basics and I am smarter than that, I know how to pay my own bills and I don't always need to depend on my mom for everything I need to be independent. I am disabled but I am not stupid and if my mom sat down with me and got to know me she would realize that but she's so busy looking on the outside that she really doesn't have time to look on the inside and that's a shame because I'm really smart and funny. But she's so busy with everyone else, I really hope that I can get into shared living quickly and leave her and Jorma alone and move on with my life. My sisters all have moved on with their lives so it's time for me to start living and move on. It's to bad that Alycia depends on her mom for every thing even Sam they both have CP and they don't have the confidence that I do but my confidence comes from God & my dad. It's too bad that disabled people don't have the confidence like Dawn and I do, we are smart and do allot for our selves and even though we are this disabled we can still function.

This morning when my mom was getting me out of bed, I could tell that her back was hurting and so was mine. I wanted to say "if you used the hoyer lift it would make it allot easier on the both of us" when I get into shared living I am using the hoyer lift and nothing else and it will be better on my back and my pca's. Transferring isn't easy anymore and it really hurts my back. I use to use the hoyer and I miss using it, it was so much easier it didn't hurt my back. I am over working my muscles just when I was at MHS and I over worked my muscles then too and it now that tendon is popped out allot more and my mom wants to make her life harder that's her fault because she could make it easier but she doesn't want too and it's to bad. It would help her allot, but she doesn't want to use it. When I transfer it takes allot of me and transferring in the shower that's even hard and the second that I move into shared living I am getting a pt in there and going to show Stephanie and who ever else I hire to use it and no more transferring into bed and hurting my back. I cannot wait to move out of here, there is no love here and I hate it. I am bored when Stephanie isn't here and I'm sick of Jorma too, I miss my dad and I miss when the family wasn't torn apart into these groups and now they are into these groups. Such as my sisters are in one group because they're married, and my mom is another group and I'm in the disabled and stupid group. None of my sisters have the patience to get to know me and they say "if she treated our mom better we would spend time with her" but honestly I don't treat my mom badly she's the one who ignores me and Jorma's the one who can't live with out his mommy and I'm burnt out. So I will move on without them.

I need to get rid of Stephanie she's not happy working here anymore, she's got the guy who she is really into and she talks about him allot and it makes me feel bad because I don't have anyone. When she's here she wants to go out and I like going the library, it gets very frustrating. I need to find a pca that I am compatible with, I was with Dale but it was her timing to move on and as much as I didn't like saying good bye to her I still see her and I still talk to her. But I don't want to hire no more young people because their lives are full of drama and every thing else. Chad told Stephanie that  he wouldn't be holding her hand if he was planning on marrying her. Now Stephanie wants to see if she can have kids and its getting to be to much for me. I have enough to deal with and I don't need her to be in the picture, it gets annoying. I want to find a pca who is older and who is married and no more of this young pca's. When Siira was working with me I didn't mind that but then her friends in Florida wanted her to move back there so she did and now she likes to drink, it's sad to see but hey it's her life. I want and need to find better pca's I've asked Stephanie if she would like me to find another pca so she can have some days off but she always says "no, because I have bills" I said "I'm just trying to help you".

On Friday night I am going to hang out with Sammy I met her at my nieces birthday party last year and she also has cerebral palsy. She seemed so excited to hang out with me on Friday and I can encourage her to do things for herself and not depend on others. Maybe that's why I am disabled because I can encourage other disabled people to do more for themselves and not to depend on every one else that's not good to do. I do allot for myself, I fill my own drinks and read. I want to go work in a group home and encourage them there too and I know that I would do a good job with that too. Sammy seemed so excited when I asked her if she wanted to hang out so after her moms art studio closes we'll go to dairy queen and I'll ask my mom to bring Lacy so that Sammy can meet her. Saturday Stephanie is going to the beach with her mom so I will go to barns and noble for the day, I'll take my book, ipod. I didn't end up getting the iphone I didn't have enough of money in my account but next month I am going to get it. But I will have a busy weekend and I will like it, it will be something different.