frustrated

 I really can't depend on Stephanie she calls out too much. My mom told me to get a job so I will, I don't want to work at cvs or anything like that. I did when I was at MHS and it was boring. I want to work in  group home or something like that, and I want to get some money so that I can get some extra cash so that I can get at&t and get an iphone. Dawn gets the same amount of money as I do and she can pay for it, so next month I am going to look into that phone. Or even if I get a job at barns and noble that would be fine too. I would get discounts on books too so that I wouldn't mind either, but I want a better phone than the one I have. I like the iphones they are cool I can listen to my music and I have an ipod dock and when I'm doing my quotes and bible verses I could listen to that too :). But I really want to earn some extra cash that way I can have my im's forwarded to my phone and I can check my email, face book any where.
Last night I texted Gary (Chris's cousin) and I asked him will Chris ever call me? and Chris said "no" and all I want to say is that I am sorry for what ever I did to him. But he won't forgive me for whatever I did to him and it's so immature too, because all I want to know is what the heck I did wrong? But if he's going to act like that then I don't want anything to do with him. I have enough of stress going on in my life as it is and I don't need him. I will keep asking God for someone and I know in his timing he will give me someone better than Chris and get me a good boyfriend who won't play these stupid games with me. Chris was so nice at first then in January of this year he said "we are done". I want to meet more people and maybe if Ann my dds worker can get me into different programs and not be stuck here at nights that would be good too being stuck here every night that gets boring and now tonight I can't go out because my stomach isn't putting any out put.
Stephanie came today and at first she was so nice and after we went on the porch and she said "I can't keep playing these games and your sisters were right about you, once you don't like a pca you get rid of them and you're always putting me down". I said "my mom is the phone who told me that Dale was the best pca and I didn't". So she left early, I can't deal with her anymore. I need to let her go, she's so busy with her boyfriend and her life. Her friend and her they got into a fight yesterday and now all that is stressing her out and she wasn't happy. When I told my mom about it she said "I need to talk with her face to face to see what one of you is always lying". I couldn't meet with my dds worker or Ellen my therapist today so I couldn't find out how long of a waiting list there is to get into shared living. On Monday I am finding out because I can't live here anymore, I can't seem to please anyone lately and it's getting really annoying. After Stephanie left I cried and got really hurt by what she said to me today. Stephanie wants a full time job but I want to do something with my life too, I like helping out. I really want to volunteer at the cancer center. If I hear someone say "I can't do the colostomy" I go over to them and say "I'm 28 and I have one and it saved my life and it will save yours and yes it's hard to accept at first but you'll get use to it, and if you get an animal they'll help you out too"
This Wednesday I've got an GI appointment and it's like when do these appointments end? It gets annoying and if I would have kept the dentist appointment I would have had 2 next week and I can't always live in hospitals but that's where the cancer center would be good for me because I could relate to them. When my dad was alive I went to his appointments with him and he was always so glad to see me go with him and that's what I want to help out there. I don't want to keep staying here it gets boring and my sisters have lives and I need to get one too. So I will go help out there and I know that I will probably loose Stephanie because she wants a full time job but I need to have a life too. I can't always stay home. I am going to apply at Monty Tech to become a social worker to keep disabled people in schools like MHS so they don't come home and end up like I am today. I don't like my power chair but then I do, it gives me freedom but I also can't do things for myself such as shower, dress or do any of that. When I see my friends from FHS they say that it hurts them to see me like this meaning seeing me in a power chair when I could do so much more for myself before and now I can't but I still have the faith