Every night I pray for my mom that she would realize that Jorma isn't the one for her, I also pray for our relationship as well. But now she won't even talk to me anymore, last night she laid on the couch and ignored me. She was upset the fridge broke and that she needs to get a tooth pulled and insurance won't pay for it. I was quiet the whole night I sat in my room and did my quotes and bible verses and then after that I watched the Simpsons and even Lacy was different she wasn't her happy self and I felt bad because usually she's so happy and ever since Monday she's been different. She's happy when Stephanie is here but when she's not here she's not happy, I think that she can tell there is stress and that my mom and I our relationship changed. But I didn't want to go to another appointment I go to many of them as it is and if my mom would only listen to me but she won't. I tried to go tell her something funny last night and she didn't think it was funny so I went back in my room, then I asked her to shut my shades and she first went for a shower, I could tell that she really didn't want to do that.
I am thankful that I do have Dawn that I can text and Stephanie, Stephanie always says before she leaves "text me if you need me". Dawn and I were texting last night and Dawn understands about going to appointments she's disabled. We go through enough and going to so many appointments it gets stressful I always want to be one of my sisters when I'm there. I know that my mom won't want to talk about this subject and I wish she would listen to me why I really did it. On Monday she told Stephanie and I that she doesn't care so I don't know what to do it's kind of like she gave up on me and that hurt. But oh well one day I will be out of her life and she'll be happy so will Jorma, my mom can go do whatever she wants with her life I am done trying to please her nothing I do makes her happy anymore. She wants me to give up on God just like she did. Jorma doesn't believe in God, he has the enemy. I miss my dad he believed in God he spent hours of teaching me the truth and I am so thankful for him! HE is gone but not forgotten!
Today Stephanie and I took Lacy with us to go see Chris (my ex boyfriend) when we asked her "do you want to go for a ride?" she went nuts it's cute how she answers us she barks and then wines. She knew we were close to his house because she started to wine and cry and she was jumping all over the van, but what is amazing how she knew that she was coming with us, when Stephanie was doing my hair and getting me ready she went nuts. Stephanie brushed her too and made her pretty too, and it's amazing how she knows the words "ride, cookie, walk,cookie, bone" even though she's a small dog she isn't dumb one bit and it makes Stephanie and I laugh just how she knows all these words even though she is so small. It amazes me how a little dog like that knows so much even though her brain is so small. I went to see Chris but he was still in bed but I got talking with his cousin who is also his pca and told him to tell Chris how much he helped me with my sisters wedding at nights my pain gets the worst and he use to be able to calm me down and tell me "I know it hurts but you need to stay calm for me"."
I hate when my back hurts, but the medications they do help. Next month I am going to the special doctor who will think of how to do my wheelchair and I am going to ask her to do botox in my back it hurts and spasms the same time and I hate when it does both, it gets very frustrating. When my mom is here she doesn't sit in my room and doesn't keep me calm through my spasms. But when I'm with Stephanie she quickly changes the subject and it stops the spasm very fast so that's what I like when Stephanie is here she keeps me company. I am going to see if Ann my dds worker can get me more pca hours so that I could get someone to spend time with me from 6-11 and to keep me company too. I can't always sit in my room alone every night while she watches tv and I'm in here alone and I wouldn't do that to her if she was in my shoe's I would interact with her but that just proves to me that she really doesn't need or want me in her life and it's not a good feeling either.
No comments:
Post a Comment