My bladder is so sore right now and I hate when something new always happens to my body, it's like a circle that never stops. It's either my back, bladder, or colostomy or my knee. I get pretty frustrated with my life, it always has something new to be hurting and I wish that it would stop. When I see pictures of when I wasn't this disabled it hurts and Stephanie saw pictures of Chris and Dave and the MHS years. My life isn't easy but I guess God chose me because he knew that I could handle being disabled and my sisters would have given up already, I've gone through so much in my 28 years between loosing my dad, seeing my mom dating another man, seeing Suvi get married, seeing all these different things. But God has pulled me through it all, and when I go to church the people are amazed how much faith I have even though I've gone through all these struggles in my 28 years. The hardest part was loosing my dad but I know he's in heaven smiling down on me and when I buy chocolate God probably says "there goes your chocolate queen" he probably smiles. Today I am going to get more books from the library then going to the park at Leominster and probably read there and then come home and do things. I like going to different places and doing things and it's a really nice day out too. Tomorrow I've got the GI doctor and last Tuesday I was at the hospital and I feel like I'm always there and that's why I canceled my dentist appointment because I can't always live in hospitals all the time that gets boring and frustrating at the same time and I get bored and I need to live and not always be at these appointments.
I miss having a boyfriend who I can talk too, Chris was always able to calm me down even when I would be spasming he would say "calm down" and last Wednesday when he said "I'll call you later" I knew that he wouldn't. So I am done with him and he can do whatever he wants to do with his own life. I want to know what the heck I did wrong but he's to childish to tell me what the heck I did wrong and he didn't even say "hi" to Lacy. I want a boyfriend who lives closer so that I can see him more often and I can hang out with them more often and switch up my nights. I need something different in my life and I want something new and exciting and I want a good guy that a year and half later won't break up with me, but they need to love God as well. I want to read the bible with them and do things with them and listen to Christian music with them, ever since I've become a born again Christian I really don't like any other kind of music but worship. It's hard to find it because on frost wire they are so limited and I wish that I could find a better program. But I want the guy to take me places and have fun with me and see past my wheelchair and disabilities I am more than my wheelchair and disabilities I am human. My legs they don't work but my brain does.
I am reading this book called Unlocked and it's about this austic boy who gets made fun of and his friend from child hood is with the cool kids and she is a cheerleader. All the foot ball players make fun of him because he acts funny and he needs these flash cards to help him speak and I read for an hour I read 77 pages. When I went back to public school and Suvi was in the cool kids group the one where they drank on weekends and had these parties and I was put in the life skills classes where I didn't learn anything and Suvi was in the cool kids and I was just her disabled sister. Today before Stephanie left I was talking to her about my mom how she doesn't want anyone here at nights and I was telling her that my mom was once helping take down some quotes and right away when Maiju called she stopped. Stephanie said that she couldn't handle being in my shoe's and living in the pain that I live in and going to the doctors all the time and having all these medical problems that I do. I've been told even at church that I am a pretty amazing young lady how I go places and I don't let my disabilities stop me and that I have allot of faith in God and that I haven't given up on him. I've gone through so many struggles in my 28 years and the hardest one was loosing my dad, today Stephanie found one of his journals that he wrote and it brought tears my eyes. He was an amazing dad and I still love him even though he's gone, and in that journal Suvi and I were allot closer. I went to MHS and I found my friends and she went to public school and we went our own ways and it's to bad that we did and every night I pray that God would restore my whole family. I told Stephanie that cancer just doesn't take one part of the family but it takes the whole family and that's to bad.
I am so glad that I did my have my dad the time that I did, I remember going to treatments with him and spending time with him. He taught me lessons that I will never forget. When people ask me "where did you get the confidence in your self?" I always say "my dad taught me through his cancer and the lessons that he taught me were all good". I will always be his chocolate queen for life and I'll always love chocolate and I really want to work at the cancer center and a group home to make me feel better about myself. At times I don't feel good about myself and I want to be one of my sisters. I was telling Stephanie that my mom gives her time and day to everyone else but when it comes to me she doesn't give me much time. I feel unwanted and useless to her and that's what I'm going to say to her the last day that I'm here "you don't need me, you've got all the people who you want in your life and when I don't get my showers on the days you want them done you get all bent out of shape. Today I was in allot of pain due to my bladder problem and Stephanie didn't want to hurt me and I know my mom wants my showers done but if I am in pain then I don't want Stephanie to do them. This morning I was in so much pain that I called my urologist then I called my nurse who deals with my catheter and I told her that the pain is getting worse. Since June my bladder has been hurting me more and I don't want to hurt myself anymore than I already have. If my mom is so concerned about my showers then she should do them because she calls herself my pca yet she only sits in the living room talks on the phone and watches TV yes I am glad that she didn't put me in a group home or nursing home I just wish that she would give more of her time. It hurts when she is always ignoring me and it really makes me feel unwanted and useless and I get bored here. I am hoping that this up coming Friday my dds worker can meet with me so that I can ask her how long is the waiting list for the shared living. I'm burnt out and hurt that my mom gives everyone else time but when it comes to me I'm just her option and it's not a good feeling so I need to move out and move on.
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