Where does the time go?

I can't believe it's Friday already, where does the time go? It's almost end of August too. I've had my colostomy for 7 years, I've had Lacy for 6 years, my dad's been gone for 12 years. Loosing my dad was the hardest because it was, and to this day when I see the sun set I cry and it makes me want him back but I do know that he's in a better place now. But the times that I spent with him I'll never forget, when he took me skiing, all the times that he brought me chocolate, when he came to MHS. I miss him because he held the family together and now we're all in groups and it shouldn't be that way, but it is. When Suvi invited my mom and Jorma to dinner on Wednesday and not me, that hurt and made me feel sad. I wouldn't have done that to her and I wish that her and Maiju had ramps to their houses so I could get there easier. Suvi has changed since she's gotten married she's more focused on Brad and her sister in law Kelly, and her own life. At Suvi's wedding she promised me that she would spend time with me and she hasn't and it makes me sad. I need to move out and move on with my life just like they moved on with their lives, I'm not needed here this morning Jorma gave me one of his stupid looks and I wish that he would forgive me. But Finnish people they hold grudges against people and God doesn't hold grudges and the second you ask him for his forgiveness he gives it to you and I really wish Jorma would but he's to much of a child to do that. I know when I go to barns and noble tonight and when my mom and him pick me up he looks at me and I want to say "grow up".
I am so excited to go to New Hampshire tomorrow and get out of here for the night. I will talk to Dave, and I know that Stephanie, Chad, and Janet will tease Dave and I. I am going to ask him if he would like to get pizza after church on Sunday. So that way I wouldn't need to come back here where there is no love or compassion, I miss my dad like I've said he held this family together and now we're all falling apart, I left the Lutheran church. My sisters didn't like that and everyone there wants me back but it was boring there wasn't any upbeat music. I am so excited to hang out with Dave too :). I would be so happy if this worked out, I would have the biggest smile to me and I know my dad would come in my dream and tease me in my dreams and I would tell him to shut up and get out. I want a boyfriend who will see past my wheelchair and disabilities, yes I have 3 of them but I am smart, I can read 60 pages a day, do fill in puzzles and count my own money.
I went to Ellen's today and I was telling her about tomorrow and everything and how I cannot wait! After we left Ellen's we went to burger king then went to Leominster Hospital where Stephanie had her appointment. I went to the volunteer office because if the day program won't hire me back then I will want to go work at the cancer center. I want to do something up beat other than sit here all the time it gets boring and I want to help out there. Stephanie told me that tomorrow night is going to be a long night because we probably won't get back to my house until 1am or 1:30 I'm sure that I will pass out in the van. My meds usually kick in by 12:30 Stephanie will already put my pj's on so when I get here all my mom needs to do is put me in bed. I like when I have busy weekends, it makes me forget that I am disabled and it makes me feel human too. I need to go out and live and have fun just like the rest of the world does :), tonight I was out until 8pm I spent 8 hours away from here and I loved every second of it. I don't like being here it's so boring here and when we got home Jorma came down stairs in his boxers and its creepy, I don't like seeing that but what I am going to do? oh well if my mom and him want to live in sin they can. I saw my friend Dave from FHS and he helped me get my highschool diploma when FHS didn't want to give it to me, allot of people helped me out there and I am so grateful for them.

I am so excited for tomorrow, the only hard part is seeing the sun set because that's how my dad told me that he was done fighting his cancer. Today when Stephanie and I went to Leominster hospital, we were on Foster Wing and that's the the floor where my dad died. When I saw that floor again it brought back the memory of when I said "dad, you taught me enough you taught me how to live even though I am this disabled and you taught me to trust God than doctors" when I left him that night he said "I love you my chocolate queen". He would be proud of the woman that I've turned out to be, I go to church and every where and I don't let my disabilities stop me. I know that he would be very proud of me for all the things that I do. I know that tomorrow he is going to be watching me and I know that he'll come in my dream tomorrow night and say "so, you went on a date". I'll never forget when he told Dave my ex boyfriend "so you're the guy my daughter likes?" and I told him to get off campus so fast. I miss him, he held the family together and now it's all falling apart and we are all in these groups and it's stupid. I wish that Suvi and Maiju would have ramps on their houses and would forgive me but as I've said in the past Finnish people hold grudges against people that they are mad at. I can't wait to move out of here and get away from all this stress, and I know that Maiju will call my new family, but the night before I move I am going to request that she leaves me past behind me and let me start fresh.