a bunch of things

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD. Psalm 27:14

Today I'm going to look for a job and I know that Stephanie will leave but I need and want a life too. I want to meet different people and really start living, I can't always stay here or have a pca with me. When I go to church I take my ipod and go, when Jay said that I needed someone to be with me at cross roads I wanted to say "I can go every where else by myself". I was trying to talk to him and he wouldn't listen he kicked me out of church that day, my friend Dara said that Jesus wouldn't have done that. But I guess no one at cross roads really cared, I liked that church because you could go up to the alter while the worship team was playing. I know once Stephanie is gone than I will need to find a new pca who is willing to do some nights I know that my mom won't like it but I need the company at nights, she has her company it's the phone.

Also when I'm out I am going to call Ann my dds worker and ask her how long is the waiting list for shared living, I really need to move out no one needs me here and when Stephanie leaves at 5 then I'm bored. When I had Siira here she use to help me with my quotes and she would sit in my room and do things with me. That's what I need is company, I can't always be lonely and bored. I've done it for so long that it gets boring 3 years ago when I tried to move out on my own it didn't work out, things happened between Dale and I. Then my family thought that I tried to kill myself so I was at Leominster hospital and after that they sent me to a group that had depressed people. In 2009 I had to get surgery on my legs the tendon release. The things I've been through in my 28 years I don't know how the heck I've done it, between loosing my dad, going from doing my own showers, dressing myself, and doing all these things and having to depend on people. If I didn't have God in my life I probably would have given up already but with God he's helped me. He's blessed me especially with Lacy, humans couldn't get me to accept my colostomy but when Lacy came into my life she helped me.

I was telling Stephanie that I want night time pcas and she said "yeah but your mom doesn't want them". I wanted to say "but I can't spend every night alone in my room". I'm burnt out and I need to move out and leave my mom and Jorma behind and get a job. When I'm in room alone I wish that I was Maiju or one of my aunts because my mom will stop and do anything for them but when it comes to me I'm just her option. I can't go to my mom because she'll say that I'm complain yet my sisters they can go to her and talk to her. I need and want pca's here at nights she can get a night robe and they can be here from 7-9, that would make my nights go by faster and it would help my mom out too. But she doesn't want to take the help and I really wish that she would. But oh well it's her life and if she doesn't want to take the help than that's her choice. I wish that she would want to take the help. I didn't get to go look for a job but I did go down to Market Basket and when Stephanie picked me up she had Lacy with her. As Stephanie was loading me into the van the lift made this huge noise like it was going to break and it scared Stephanie and I. Tonight when my mom puts me in bed I am going to tell her that lift isn't safe and what if I was on it forward and if came down and I got hurt badly? I already have enough of problems and I really don't need anymore, I've gone through so much and I don't need to hurt myself anymore.

I really haven't been hungry lately and Stephanie said that on Wednesday she is going to tell my GI doctors that I really don't want to eat, it's all this stress that I go through between my mom, and Jorma and I. That gets stressful and I wish I had a rewind button to when my dad was alive I miss him. But I keep his memory alive I have all these picture's of him every where. The time that he spent teaching me how to live even though I am disabled those are lessons that I'll never forget and when he always said "your my chocolate queen everyone told him that I would grow up to be one and here I am 12 years later and I love chocolate. Stephanie and Dale they both said that they are going to have a very long talk with him when they get up to heaven. He'll probably have a huge smile to his face and they'll be shaking their heads at him saying "why did you name her your chocolate queen? chocolate was always in her room thanks to you" but he also taught me about God and how to listen to doctors more than doctors and three years ago when the doctor's told me that I herd voices and I said "no, I hear the voice of God and you need to get to know him before he comes back" and they just rolled their eyes at me but it's true so many people need to get to know him because Jesus is coming back soon. I hope that my mom and Jorma won't be living in sin but they love each other and if they get married my mom will lose the money that she gets from ssi and from my dad too. I'm hoping that I can move out of here soon so that I don't need to see Jorma walk around in his boxers I try to avoid him at nights so that I don't need to see him in his boxers that's uncomfortable.