So Stephanie can't come in today and my mom was getting me up and she said "Suvi is making me fish and I'm going there from 4:30-5:30" I don't get why she can give all her time to everyone else but when it comes to me I'm just her option. I've had enough, it makes me want to be even more like my sisters because they get all of her time and the only time I get is when she's putting me in bed and taking me out and dressing me other than that she's watching TV, talking on the phone or she's out. No wonder why I get these seizure's because of all the stress that I go through between Jorma, my mom and I. I had one right when I got up, I'm going to ask my primary doctor if he can put me on ativan because maybe that would help calm them down. I'm sick of having them, my whole body goes numb and it's an odd feeling too. My mom doesn't believe me when I say that I have them but she doesn't spend any time with me she's to busy with Jorma, the phone, and my sisters and my aunts. I need to be broken out of them, I hate when they happen too my whole body goes numb and when I come out of one my body shakes. I hate when I get them going down to the library, church or any where. Around my house is fine because I'm safe but when I'm out and about driving home or going some where one minute I'm one side of the street and the next minute I'm on the other side. It scares me when I have them and when Stephanie isn't here to break them they can last up to two minutes. Everything is getting worse, my pain, my spasms and its draining me out and it makes me want to scream and sometimes the tears come down my face.
I know that Jorma will need to go with my mom because he is a baby and needs his mommy all the time, and he's to immature to ask me to move. He needed to get by me and he was in the living room and he got up and and he looked at me and that sat back down and I wanted to say "all you need to do is ask me to move and I will" when I've told him that before he says "no, you don't need to move" but when I move out of the kitchen he goes in there and one of these times I am going to say "so, why did you lie to me? you told me that you didn't need to get in here but the second that I left you came in here". I'm sick of him, I miss my dad, he held this whole family together and now that he's gone the family has gone into these groups. Such as Miia, Maiju and Suvi are in one group because they are married and Miia and Maiju are in another group because they have kids. Janet my friend from church all her sisters are married and she's 28 too, and I saw her at barns and noble last Saturday and we got talking how frustrating it is to see all our sisters married and we aren't and every guy that we date they never work out. It gets so frustrating every guy that I date they never work out and it would make my life allot easier if I had a boyfriend who I could call and let out my frustrations and he would make me feel better. Such as when Chris was in my life he would come online or call me and he would make me feel better about myself and that's what I need. I want a good boyfriend who loves the Lord and see's past my wheelchair and disabilities and who will take me out since my mom doesn't want too, she does but Jorma needs to come with us every where. He can't be left alone for a second and he's 60 and he can live without my mom but he always needs his mommy, that's another reason why I am hoping to get into shared living quickly to get out of this stressful house that's where my seizure's are coming from all this stress!
I waited an hour and half for my doctor to show up but he never did so I left there at 12:30 and I could make it to the library so I got pizza first then went to the library and I see the people from the ARC and the clients were telling me that they missed having me there. I liked going there but the director wasn't very friendly towards me but hopefully she'll let me get my job back. I do know that I will lose Stephanie if I go there but oh well, she's always stressed out with something in her life and all this drama that goes on with the 20 year olds. They've got their boyfriends and friends and all this other drama, but I really liked helping at the arc it helped me forget that I was disabled and it got me away from here for four hours. Being here and doing the same thing every day it gets boring and with Stephanie I can never stay in the house and yesterday I did get her to come here and I knew she really didn't want to come here but I was in pain. But I really want to go back to the arc and help them out I miss it and it really did help me forget that I was disabled and I need it, and I liked helping there and like I said my disabilities went away. My mom came home at 4:20 and then she left for Suvi's and the whole time that I was here alone I kept thinking I need to move out, my mom will interact with every one else but when it comes to me she doesn't. I wish that she would, I know that Jorma doesn't like when I go out with them I bet he can't wait until the day that I move out. Then he can have her all to himself and he doesn't mind sharing her with my sisters or my aunts but when it comes to me I am some how different in his book and I really wish I wasn't because I'm really not different I just can't walk. But I am hoping to get my job back at the arc I miss the clients. I know that Alycia needs me there too because her pca's at her group home open everything for her and when I worked there I wouldn't because at MHS we had to do things that we could ourselves and she's gotten lazier and I really need to be there.
I really hope that I get my job back at the arc, I miss working there and encouraging the clients. They all miss me and I miss them we would play games with them have life skills with them. Go for walks and it really made me feel better for myself, when I'm here I see Jorma and that makes me miss my dad. I see Suvi come home on her lunch breaks and when I see her wedding ring it makes me sad, because she doesn't even have a ramp on her house either does Maiju and that's proof to me right there that they really don't want me in their lives. If they really did want me in their lives they would have ramps in their houses and they don't. I wouldn't do that to them if they were in my shoes I would build a ramp and want to spend time with them but they tell me that I treat my mom badly so they don't want to come visit me. I don't treat my mom badly I just tell her how I am feeling and Nancy our family friend tells me that I complain to her. So I will simply move on from all of them and forget about them and if they want me in their lives they can come visit me. But I really want my job back at the arc I miss it allot when I'm there I don't feel disabled, just as at church I don't feel disabled there either so I like both places.
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