I read 84 pages today :)

Last night I was telling my mom about these appointments and she said "how come you can go to all these other appointments and not your dentist? and what if a tooth falls out and we have to wait until December?" I said "do you think I want to go to the GI and urologist?" she didn't answer me. I can't always go to hospitals and live there and if my mom would have told me that she would have made the appointment I wouldn't have gotten so upset but Maiju and her did it behind my back and I wouldn't have done that to them. It gets annoying when they do things like that and they don't tell me, in May of 2008 Maiju called Ellen and they are always calling places and they don't tell me. I quit going to Ellen's in 2008 but in 2010 Dale said it would be a good idea if I went back. The struggles that I go through sometimes get very stressful and I hate it and I wish that I was one of my sisters my mom can go spend time with them but when it comes to me all she is concerned about is when is my showers done and laundry done. At nights when I'm sitting in my room and my sister or my aunt calls I want to be one of them because my mom talks to them all the time but when it comes to me I'm just her option and yes I am glad that she didn't put me in a group home. I know that Maiju wants me in a nursing home, she told Stephanie that she just wants me in there and that hurt. I'm really not important to my family at nights I wonder "what if God takes me?" I am hoping that on Friday I can meet with my dds worker and she can find me a place where I really belong because I don't belong here and it's not a good feeling. The phone started to ring at 8:30 this morning and it won't stop until 10pm tonight and it's like what could my sister and my aunt always have to say to my mom so many times a day, Maiju has 3 kids and my aunt has 6 dogs and I'm always tempted to pick up and say "you have lives so why do you need to call here so many times a day?" even Dale wondered that too.

I cannot wait to get my new phone on Saturday and I know my mom won't like and I've asked her to put me on her plan and she says "no, you were once on it and you got off it last year" I wanted to pay for something on my own and not always have her pay for it me to make me feel human. I am disabled as it is but I'm smart and not dumb and if she only would realize it but she doesn't and that's what I wish that she would realize it. In 2003 when FHS didn't want to give me my high school diploma, but my friends helped me get it and when I see them at barns and noble I thank them. I like my iPod but it's so small that I am worried that when I go places on my own I don't want to loose so the iPhone will be better for me and I can check my email any where and I will have my im's forwarded to my phone. I might go back to face book I'm not sure yet I like to blog instead. Blogging helps me it helps me get my frustrations out, I want to find a job and get paid so I am also going to ask Ann my dds worker if I could go work at the group home and get paid then I wouldn't be bored and I would do different things and my nights would go by faster and I can still keep Stephanie I would ask if I could go work there after 5 so that Stephanie could drop me off and my mom could come pick me up around 8.

I need to move out, my mom spends all her time with Jorma and it makes me sad and lonely being in my room. I can't eat anymore because I'm burnt out and I always want to be someone else who my mom needs such as my sisters or Jorma. I hate being me I want to be someone else who my mom needs and wants to be around. I feel rejected and unwanted and it's not a good feeling, she spends all day with Jorma but she can't spend a half hour with me. I needed my left foot unstrapped but of course she's with Jorma and I hate living here. There is no need for me here my mom has chosen the people who she wants in her life and sadly I'm not one of them. Last Satuday when I locked myself in my room she was telling Stephanie that I always talk bad about her. I don't I just express to people how I am feeling and I'm sick of feeling like I don't belong in her life. I am done living here, I am done seeing Jorma walk around in his boxers, I am done of sitting in my room alone. I wouldn't mind every other night but every night that gets stressful. I'm never hungry any more and I really didn't want to eat today but God made me eat. I guess because of all the rejection and what ever else I go through in my life and I'm really not happy living here and Ellen can't meet with me on Friday either so I need to wait again to meet with my dds worker to talk too. I might call her tomorrow and tell her that I can't live here anymore, I'm really not happy here anymore and I always want to be someone else and I wish I could go tell my mom that but then she would get mad. Stephanie was reading what my dad wrote and when he was alive she had more compassion when Jorma came into our lives then it changed and I miss my mom but now Jorma needs her all the time and she has no room for me in her life and I'm sad and upset the way I get treated :(

In my book unlocked is really good I read 84 pages today and Ella is helping her Autistic friend out and everyone makes fun of him and I can relate to the book. When I went back to public school they put me in the life skills group and every one in there they were low functional and we learned basic skills and Suvi was at FHS too. She drank on weekends and did her own thing and I am so thankful even to this day that I have my friends that helped me get my high school diploma they helped me so much. They went down to special ed and told them that they were giving my diploma to me and they kept saying "she'll never get any where in life but all of them believed in me so that's what I liked and they really helped me. When they see me in this power chair it still upsets them. Before I went into public school I could walk on walker, dress, and shower myself. Last December when Jorma told me that I would never be able to move out because I always need my mommy, that hurt but I need her in a different way. I don't need to her to come with me to every appointment that I go too, I can go to stores without her. I love reading and my brain sometimes won't shut up and it tells me "one more page" and soon enough I know that I've read 84 pages and tomorrow I will need get another book. Stephanie and I are going to the park for the day and before that the Fitchburg library opens at 12 so I will go there first get more books because knowing me the book that I am reading now will be done by Friday. I will go to barns and noble and hang out there and then come home and read. I read for an hour and I read yesterday for an hour, I texted Dawn and told her that she needs to read the book and she'll love it. I am sure that I could probably read 100 pages but that would be to much on my eyes so I stop at 84, last night I read 73 pages. It's crazy how I can read that many pages and remember the whole book.