church was today

I'm going to church today, there is nothing to do here. I talk to people after the service to make my day go by faster, everyone there loves to joke around with me there. They always say "hey speedy, we need to give you a ticket" and I tell them I'm a good driver and they tell me "keep dreaming and maybe one day it will come true!".I like how I am born again and I don't need to live by these rules, the Lutheran church is so serious and they don't joke around but when I use to go to cross roads they joked around with me. But to go there I always need someone with me besides they don't want me there any way. Plus when I go to Horizon church I don't need anyone to drive me there or be with me, I sit with Kayley or someone I know. Last week she asked "why did you come home so late?" I didn't dare tell her "I talked to people" because she she doesn't like when I talk to people she just wants me to go there and do nothing. Lutheran's aren't supposed to leave they are supposed to stay in one religion and not move, Dale's brother told her that she was going to hell because the left there. But Dale and I didn't leave the "faith" we left a building and moved onto something better. Before I was a born again Christian as I've said before I use to swear and do all these bad things but now I don't and my family they don't believe me when I say that I got drunk but I did and Dawn has the pictures to prove it! But I don't need to see them so I will leave them alone :)
I was in the hall way where I could see Jorma and when I saw him he was shaking his head. I asked him "why are you shaking your head?" he said "no reason". Dale told me that I need to start asking him questions like that, last week when he said something to me and he was to immature to repeat it I was saying to Lacy "if it wasn't for God I would have given up on life by now". I've gone through so much in 28 years, between losing my dad, losing abilities, drifting away from my family. Then having Jorma move in, and living in this pain and spasm. People don't know how I do it, with all these struggles that I go through I say "I get help from above". My dad would be very proud of me how I didn't lose the faith even going through these struggles that I go through. I use to be able to do so much and now I'm in a power chair and I need help getting in and out of bed and showering. But I can get my own drinks ready, go to church, have faith, friends, read, do these puzzle books, go out myself. I don't need a mommy like Jorma does. I don't need her every second, she can't go upstairs without him. It makes me laugh how he's 60 and always needs a mommy and I'm 28 and I can do all these things without her but I still would like her company but I can't get it so I will move on and get my company from someone else!
It's amazing how there are girls who are 12 and 13 and the love God, they have on their facebooks that they love him. My mom was showing me my baby book and I loved God even then and I always will. Even though I go through everything that I do, my dad would be happy the young lady that I turned out to be. How I never gave up on God even though I am this disabled and I've watched my youngest sister get married and I've seen my mom go from real happy to really not. She acts it, but I know deep down she's not, Jorma controls her every moment and he gets annoying. I could have given up on God allot, when I got my colostomy and all these times but I never did and I never will. God has blessed me with so many things and he keeps me safe when I go places and I know that he is going to find the right family that I can get into and get out of here and leave them behind. I know that Maiju will call them and I will say "Maiju we all have a past and we aren't perfect the only one who is perfect is God and you have a past and if you can please leave my past here and let me start new I really would like that". My new family they don't need to know what I've done I only want them to know that I am smart and I want them to see past my wheelchair and disabilities too

I was telling the ladies today that dds is looking for a place for me and when they call me that day I will jump out of my chair, no more Mr.Moody and I will have people who will interact with me. When I got back from church my mom went upstairs and I've been alone since then and I got out of my chair at first she didn't want to get me out but then she did. I wish that she would interact with me more often but she's so busy with everyone else that I'm just an option for her and everyone else is more important to her. Yes she buys me things but she can never take me anywhere herself Jorma always needs to come with us. I miss when it was just my mom and I, he changed allot around the house. When I come home from places and I see things change it hurts me because my dad built this house and he is changing everything and I hate it, Jorma really reminds me of a child the way he acts towards me. But that day that Ann calls me I will probably fly out of this chair, I will write my mom a letter the real reason why I am moving out and Dale doesn't blame me. Three years ago I tried to live on my own but I couldn't so I will go into shared living instead and get away from here :)