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My legs have been broken for 2 weeks

The other day my mom was telling me that Steph will do 30 hours a week, but if I'm going to volunteer than I will only want one during the night because I will want to do things and not shop. Steph is getting married July 21st, Chad and her want kids and she wants to go back to school. I want to do something fun and excited and something new, I need something new. I am bored of doing the same thing. I don't mind going to Wal-Mart Target, Market Basket. I need a pca who likes to read, go to libraries and things like that. I am almost done my Joyce Meyer book, I've always loved to read and I probably always will love to read. I can read up to 100 pages a day. At MHS in my freshman year, I had reading before psychical therapy and I would always be late for it. I would get so into the reading that I would forget about going to pt. Dave was in that class, now we don't even talk. I barely talk to anyone from MHS anymore. They've moved on with their lives and it's time that I move on with mine but I need my Lacy with me. She's helped me in so many ways, since I've been gone for two weeks she hasn't been the same. I can't do that to her, Dale agreed and I'm sure that Dawn will agree too.
My mom and Jorma came by and got McDonalds for dinner,  I know when I go home on Wednesday it's going to be the same thing. She'll watch her shows, go upstairs watch her Finnish shows and I'll get left downstairs again. When Jorma wasn't in our lives everything was so different, she wanted me in her life. But now my mom has friends and they go out to eat with them. Two weeks ago when I broke my legs my mom got mad but she'll never understand the rejection that I get from her. It also hurts how Miia wants me to leave Lacy behind and forget about her, but Lacy is my life and she helps me. I can't ditch Lacy that wouldn't be fair for her or I. I love Lacy way to much, I miss her allot. I miss when she would sit in my room when I would read or do my quotes, I always had someone there. I want to hold and hug her and tell her that I missed her allot. I know that she won't leave me alone and when I go places she'll wonder am I coming back or not? Two weeks ago when I was leaving to the library I said "I'll be back baby" and when I didn't come back she was sad. She won't go in my bed, play with her toys or anything anymore. She needs me just as much as I need her, I wish Miia would understand that I can't leave her.
Tomorrow I get to go see Lacy, she is going to be so happy. I miss her allot, I know when she sees me she is going to go nuts and her tail is going to wag and everything. I will play with her and talk to her, and she'll love it. She will love Wednesday when I am home for good, when my mom and Jorma go to bed she sleeps upstairs she use to sleep in our bed. It makes me wonder if God ever took me she would become a very sad baby. I love her so much, two weeks ago when I left I didn't know that I would break my legs. She always looks so sad when I am leaving when I return she goes nuts. I will have my mom find my camera and I'll have her put it on video mode and when I go into the house she'll cry and wine. Yesterday when Dale was here she was explain to her friend that when we would ask Lacy if she wanted to go see Grandma Mary she would get so happy. I know when I start to volunteer she'll miss me, it's a good feeling to have someone missing me. My mom is so busy with her life and when I come home from somewhere she isn't excited to see me but Lacy goes nuts. She loves when it's bed time, we always need to give her a cookie because she steals my blankets and the pillows. In the mornings she always brings me a toy, then she spreads them all over the house. She wasn't cute at first but now she's very cute, I am glad that I did ask God for a friend 7 years ago. Who ever dropped her off on March 8th 2005 was an angel, they'll never know how much she means to me. She got me to accept my colostomy and she got me off my anti depressants twice. Like I've said before 4 years ago when the doctors told me that I wouldn't get off them, when I went home I said  "God and Lacy got me off them once now do it again" and they did and I will only depend on God and Lacy for my anti depressants God is a better doctor and Lacy is his helper 
Before I go see Lacy tomorrow I am going to church I need it, I miss it allot too. I haven't gone in two weeks. After church I need to go to Market Basket and buy some yogurt, chicken noodle soup more drink packets. The food here isn't the greatest, in the mornings I have my carnation instant breakfast but lunch and dinner isn't good at all I am sick of grill cheese. I'm going to ask the pastor if I need to take any special classes to be baptized, as I've been baptized when I was a baby. I get to see allot of people I am excited to go to church. I will also bring my camera and I'll post the pictures of Lacy and I tomorrow!

Rise
Shawn McDonald
Yes I will rise
Out of these ashes, rise
From this trouble I have found
And this rubble on the ground
I will rise
(X2)

Cause He who is in me
Is greater than I will ever be
And I will rise
(X2)


Sometimes my heart is on the ground
And hope is nowhere to be found
Love is a figment I once knew
And yet I hold on to what I know is true

Chorus

Well I keep on coming to this place
That I don't know quite how to face
So I lay down my life in hopes to die
That somehow I might rise

Five more days until home

I wonder why Ann my dds worker said that I was depressed, she has no idea what I go through. Sometimes I have 3 doctor's appointments, I live in pain and spasm, I need help taking showers getting in and out of bed, getting dressed. I even told that to my doctor, they don't spend anytime with me they only see me for a few seconds and then their done. I am not sad, I get frustrated just like everyone else. Just because my legs they don't work I still get discouraged and frustrated just like everyone else does. Miia my oldest sister has been texting me and telling me "you need to ask Ann about a group home" she really doesn't want me at home either. But oh well it gets boring at home, I just don't like how Miia is texting me when she wasn't before.
Diane came by today and we were talking how I flipped over and how I need to call the eye doctor. Miia has been texting me about moving out and leaving Lacy behind, but I love Lacy way to much to leave her behind. She's like my baby, and she's not happy without me, I know my mom wants me out. But I can't and I'm not leaving Lacy behind I miss her and she misses me too. She looks all around where am I? she won't go in our room anymore, she isn't happy. Miia texts back and says "Lacy will be fine you need a life too". When no one is at home I can go to Lacy and talk to her and I miss her her allot. I know when I start to volunteer and she looks around for me she's going to be confused am I coming back, two weeks ago when I didn't come back she wasn't her self. I always tell her "I'm coming back" and this time when I didn't come back she's sad. I can't leave her. I am excited to start my volunteer job, I will be doing Monday-Thursday and helping them with money, social, and reading skills. I have a new pca too, my mom is fine with the girl being there from 3-8 that way my mom can go watch her shows and be with Jorma. I wish that she would spend time with me more but she's busy with her life.
Dale came to visit me today and I was telling her how Miia wants me to leave Lacy behind and start my own life without her, but I can't do that I love Lacy way to much. Dale bought me a milk shake and we talked, and I was telling her how I don't want to be healed because Al the guy who got me to be a born again Christian he doesn't go to church anymore. I don't want to end up like him, I hope that I can still get baptized on June 10th. I was baptized as a baby but I didn't understand what it meant when I was a baby, Lutherans baptize their babies and they have all these rules and if they only knew that I was getting baptized they would freak out. I was telling Dale that on my last day that I am at my house I am going to be completely honest with my mom and Jorma why I'm moving out. I know they won't change and my mom will still do her own thing when I go back home,. I can't wait to see Lacy on Wednesday, I will have my mom bring my camera and I'll put it on video mode and when I see her she'll go nuts. I miss my little baby, she was always so happy in the mornings to see me she would jump in bed with me and get nice and comfortable. I will end up laying in bed allot and I know that she'll join me. I've met allot of people here, this morning this lady and I saved this guy and he said when he gets better that he'll come to my church. I'll be happy, I like to save people, that's why I am disabled. I like talking to other people about Jesus, tonight as I was filling one of my drink bottles a guy that the lady and I saved he asked me "what does 3:16 mean?" and I said "For God so loved the world he gave his only son who ever believes in him shall not Parrish but have ever lasting life John 3:16" he said "I wanted to get a tattoo but I didn't know what to put on it". On my other arm I am going to put "dad" in Finnish. Dale said that will mean in two things my dad who was on earth and my dad in heaven too
My casts weigh so much, I am in bed now and I can feel my whole right leg twist. It's not a good feeling either, the nursing and cnas leave so fast. That they really don't have time to listen to me, that's one good thing about my mom she listens to me. But here they are so fast to leave because they have other patience and they don't have time. My heel hurts in these casts too, it already has a blister on it and the cast doesn't help it. Thank God they come off in two weeks, it's not easy being here becauuse they wake me up at 6 to give me my meds and then they get me up at 7 for breakfast. It's not easy getting out of my wheelchair either. The 11-7 shift knows how to position me better, I am just uncomfortable how that heal is always hurting now. I miss when my life wasn't this hard.
Open Skies
David Crowder Band
Praise Him under open skies
Everything breathing praising God
In the company of all who love the King
I will dance, I will sing
It could be heavenly
Turn the music loud, life my voice and shout
From where I am
From where I've been
He's been there with me
He's built a monument
His very people
So let his people
Sing, sing, sing

And it's so wonderful
Just to be here now

Praise Him under open skies
Everything breathing praising God
In the company
Of all who love the King

Praise Him under open skies
Everything breathing praising God
In the company of all who love the King
Let us dance, let us sing
It could be heavenly
Turn the music loud and sing

Lift your voice to heaven
Lift up your head and sing
To the One who gave his love
This is our offering
Lift your voice to heaven
Lift up your head and sing
To the One who gave His son
Here our lives we bring

From wherever you are
Wherever you've been
He's been there
So let his people sing

And it's so wonderful to be here now
Wherever you are wherever you've been
He's been there

Six more days until I go home

I'm in my power chair today :), at two this afternoon my dds worker and social worker are going to come to talk. My social worker is going to talk with my mom about letting me come home. Chris my wheelchair guy has my new wheelchair and I want to get into it, it has recline. I also want to volunteer too now that Steph is gone I am not sitting at home for 3 hours and doing nothing. I want to help lower functional people to make myself feel better about myself and not always be stuck at home. I called my mom about me coming home and she said "if Steph doesn't come back, I can't take care of you" I called Steph and she was saying how Maiju (the blabber mouth) was saying how I am so mean to my mom & Jorma and my mom doesn't want me back there. I will simply move on from all of them since Maiju & Suvi they don't do anything with me anyway. It makes me feel rejected by them and it's not a good feeling. My mom always wants to leave earlier from here, her attitude is getting worse too. I was looking forward of going home but now that my mom really doesn't want me there and she only wants someone there from 9-12 and then 3-6.
My mom got me pizza because I got sick of eating hospital food, so she's going to buy me some yogurt. Their breakfasts aren't the greatest either, this morning I got toast with an egg. When I am home I usually eat a carnation instant breakfast & yogurt. Tomorrow she is going to the  store and buying me foods that I want and like to eat and not foods that I won't eat. I"ve been eating hospital food for almost two weeks now and after a while they get gross. I remember at MHS I would bring money to order food, I can't loose any weight.
Ann my dds worker came today and she was saying to me "do you need an anti depressant since your sad all the time?" I said "no, I go through allot more than you do". I got offended too, I don't need anti depressants to keep me happy I have Lacy and God and those two are all I need. I'm frustrated right now because I am in the hospital and not at home. Both my legs are broken and they need to be in casts for the next 3 weeks and I'm in allot of pain. But that doesn't mean that I'm depressed it just means that I am more frustrated with myself. I didn't know that I would flip over two weeks ago, the curb cuts in my town aren't the best.
These nurses here think that I'm stupid, I was fixing my catheter and the RN said "don't pull" I said "I was just fixing it" then these two cna's came in and said "we want to put you in bed now" as I was brushing my teeth they were rushing me. Umass didn't tell my mom that I had a bad infection either, so now I need to wear a mask while going out of my room. The day nurses are fine with me but the night nurses aren't and it drives me nuts. They really have no Jesus, without him you have no life and it's sad the people who don't have him such as my mom and Jorma. I need to move into a Christian based home where I am needed and wanted unlike at my house I'm really not needed because of the phone or TV or Jorma.
This Is The Day
Laura Story
I'm not the same, I have been changed
By the power of Christ, the truth in my life
I can't explain the difference He's made
Old things have gone, something new has begun

This is the day of my salvation
I will rejoice with a song of praise
This is the day of my salvation
I will rejoice in Christ, my salvation

I'm not the same, I have been changed
The hope that I've found has turned me around
I finally feel forgiveness that's real
This thankful heart gets a brand new start, yeah

This is the day of my salvation
I will rejoice with a song of praise
This is the day of my salvation
I will rejoice in Christ, my salvation

Come, let us be glad, come, let us rejoice
Come, let us be glad, come, let us rejoice
Come, let us be glad, come, let us rejoice
And come, let us be glad, and come, let us rejoice, yeah

This is the day of my salvation
I will rejoice with a song of praise
This is the day of my salvation
I will rejoice in Christ, my salvation

day 3 at rehab went to the orthopedic

Last night my mom came back to bring me drinks & I was already in bed, she kept complain about something. I miss when she needed me more in her life, it's kind of like she uses me for the money. Yesterday she was telling my social worker here "I would like a pca to come from 9-12 then come back later" This is the email I am sending her: Dear mom, I wish that you would interact with me your so busy with everyone else that I'm just your option, your always watching your shows, watching the Finnish news, going for walks with Jorma. My room gets boring, I do love you but i wish that you and I could do things. Love Minna
Steph left because my mom only wanted someone working with me 9-12 then leave at 12 and come back. Once I'm all healed than I go will go to the day program and help them out. I am not going to sit around my room for 3 hours and do nothing while my mom & Jorma go do their own thing that gets boring, my mom does her own thing. If it wasn't for God I don't know where I would be. I've lost so many pca's in the past years, they get bored of being here. Ann is going to meet with me tomorrow with my social worker here, I want to know if Ann can get the day program all set up. I also want the social worker here as well so she can help Ann with my daily home basis.
Today my legs got put in a cast and they feel allot better, I've been able to stay up in my chair longer. The orthopedic said that in 3 weeks they'll be able to come off. The streets in my town are horrible they bounce up and down and I hate them too. Even in the van they hurt me, they are fixing them. Tomorrow the PT is going to get me up in my chair, I am kind of excited but kind of scared too because I haven't been in it for over a week now. Last night I did sleep pretty good the nurse came and re positioned me twice and that was it. It's very hard to sleep here because of my pain and spasms too. But I do fall asleep earlier, then they come in at 6 in the morning and check your vitals and then I fall back asleep and then breakfast is served at 7 in the morning. I am glad that I am able to get up out of my bed, laying in bed all day made me sleep more. But it's been two days that I've been up, at the hospital the nurses would come in twice a night and I wasn't able to fall back asleep after wards. But here I requested for them to come in when I need them and not when they need too that got very annoying!
I miss who my mom was she use to be this compassionate person and now she's really not, she doesn't have patience with me like she use too. She really needs Jesus back in her life. She does tell me that Lacy sleeps in the chair upstairs because I'm not there, it amazing how a little dog like that can love a person like me. When I first got her she was an ugly duckling you could say. But now she's so cute. I know when I go home she's going to go nuts. Two weeks ago when I was leaving to the library I said "I'll be back" when my mom and Jorma came back with my chair and I wasn't in it she was probably very confused. Pray these three weeks go by fast because these casts are going to be hot and soon the warmer weather is coming out. I need to get my vision checked also now that I can't see good anymore, it seems like allot of things are getting weaker my eyes, legs. The things that are getting better is my faith, and everything else. I wish someone would do a movie about my whole life such as Soul Sufer and October Baby. I know that I inspire people on my blogs with the things that I go through on a daily basis. I amaze allot of people too with my faith and everything that I do even though I am this disabled.
Come to the cross
Matthew West
Mourner, wherever you are
Wherever you are at the cross there is room
Tell your burdened heart
Your burdened heart at the cross there is room
Tell it in the Savior's ear
Cast away your every fear
Only speak and He will hear

Chorus:
Hallelujah, everyone
Everyone can come to the cross
It doesn't matter what you've done
Everyone can come to the cross

Sinner, come today
Come today, at the cross there is room
Blessed thought for everyone
For everyone can come to the cross
Now a living fountain, see
Open there for you and me
For rich and poor, for bond and free

Chorus:

Music Interlude

Tell it in the Savior's ear
Cast away your every fear
Only speak and He will hear

Chorus:

1 day in rehab

I slept so good, at first they didn't have all my meds but once they did I fell asleep. They nurses don't mind re positioning me, one nurse already knows what I want so I doing need to ask her:). This morning the cna came and got me dressed & she saw "3:16" I told her what it meant & she is a born again Christian too :). There is nothing to do here, the nurses are busy I don't like their food my mom is with my aunt and Jorma at umass.
The pt got me up in a chair and since my mom had to go to umass with Jorma and my aunt she wasn't able to bring my power chair. It gets so annoying too, I did call Ann and let her know that I do want to work Monday-Thursday, she said that I can get PT there too. I want to help lower functional disabled people and I want to work at the cancer center, Nancy said that would be good for me to help out the cancer patience. If I ever hear "I can't do this" I can tell them that I am 29 years old and it saved my life so it can save their lives too. I know my mom won't like me volunteering because then she'll loose the hours, but I really do want to volunteer and help others too it would make me feel allot better about myself
My body is stressing me out, it doesn't give me a break. Tomorrow I am going to see my orthopedic and I'm telling him the casts that he put on me they are really hurting me allot. They weigh so much and their getting really annoying, my hips and knees hurt allot too. The nurse who cleaned me up tonight she even agreed they weighed way too much. I am so frustrated, it takes a toll on me but at least here they don't wake me up so many times a night.
Today my social worker came by and she was talking about a discharge plan for me. My mom said "what if her current power chair doesn't fit?" Now I need to look for a new pca because I have a feeling that Steph is already quitting, she getting married July 18th so she needs the money. So I emailed Jessie from my church I want a older pca I don't want to go home because I'm sick of the rejection from my mom I do love her but I need more human interaction.
Grace Tells another story
MercyMe
They say don't waste your time You simply cannot find an ounce of good within the heart of man
they say we've got to lay in the bed we've made and live this life without a second chance but
I'm inclined to say there must be something more.

[chorus]
We've been told that the heart is just too far gone to save but grace tells us another story
Where glory sends hopelessness away oh grace tells us another story.

They say we cannot change there is no other way get used to it cause this is all there is they
say don't raise your voice cause we don't have a choice we're dealt this hand so learn to live
with it well i have to believer there must something more. [back to chorus]

And though we may not understand why You'd give us another chance we praise You who lets us
start again. [back to chorus]

9 days of being in pain

I was moved to a rehab place, I am hoping that tomorrow I can get into a chair. I've been laying down for more than a week and its very frustrating. My hips hurt allot. I am  bored. My whole body hurts I wish that my mom would want me around more but she has Jorma. As I've said before he wants all of her time too It makes me sad too.
Ann my dds worker is going to set me up at the day program, she said if I did 9-2 and then have a pca at nights. I know my mom won't like it. But she doesn't want to interact with me so someone needs to interact with me, I can't always stay in my room alone every night. I like working with lower functional disabled people it makes me feel better about myself.
Tomorrow their getting me out of bed finally and I am so happy, my legs and  body are so sore and its so frustrating too. It's draining me out with the pain and the spasms, I miss Lacy allot and I know she misses me too because she doesn't eat or chew her bones.
I hope I can make it to relay for life, I Miss my dad allot I know he would be happy that I never gave up even when my life isn't easy
I choose Jesus
Moria Peters
I have searched to find
The meaning of this life
Something that would
Fill my empty soul

Some believe a lie
Choose darkness over light
But I will stand and let
The whole world know

I choose Jesus
I choose Jesus
The One who first chose me

I stand unashamed
Trusting in one name
‘Cause I have seen the cross
And I believe

This choice comes at cost
All other things are lost
No other love could
Mean so much to me

I choose Jesus
I choose Jesus
For now and eternity

He chose to love me
When I felt unlovable
He chose to reach me
When I felt unreachable
He carried me out
Of my fear and doubt
How I want the world to know
I choose Jesus

I choose Jesus
I choose Jesus
The One who first chose me
(I don't want anyone but You)

My Jesus
I choose Jesus
For now and eternity
For now and eternity

things are getting better

I did sleep allot better last night, the nurses listened to me when I said that I was in pain. Than God I was able to talk to the nursing supervisor about the the nurse who told me that she knew better than I did about rolling me. I've dealt with my body for 29 years now. Steph hasn't picked up, son I'm guessing that she quit she hasn't even signed her time sheet. My mom is the only one who has visited me, Maiju tells me hospitals freak her out. Suvi has her ow life, we use to be close but then I went to MHS and when I came back to public schools she was in the cool group. This morning when the nurse was rolling me she said "I can't do this anymore" I was tempted to say "I've been disabled my whole life and I am 29, sorry if I keep bugging you but I can't roll myself and get comfortable".

My nurses are allot nicer, they are more patience with me. My nurse Jessica during the day she was really nice, I like her. I had a x-ray done and I was quiet and she asked me "whats wrong?" I told her that I was frustrated with my body and she said "I wouldn't blame you, your a strong young lady they things you go through" Even my pastor has said it too, my body does cause me pain but I am use to it. Tomorrow I am calling Ann back & asking her where can she put me where there is more human interaction.

I am hoping that tomorrow I can get up, I am so bored laying in bed. I really hope that can get into rehab then my mom will bring my chair. I wish the nurses didn't need to roll me every night. Laying in bed all day makes me tired, they are going to get me some volunteers to keep me company,

My mom was telling me that Lacy misses me, she won't eat her bones. She is so cute, I know if my mom brings her to re hab she will go nuts. I talk to her on the phone she looks at the window.

Revive

Blink

Teach me to number my days
And count every moment
Before it slips away
Take in all the colors
Before they fade to grey

I don't want to miss
Even just a second
More of this

It happens in a blink, it happens in a flash
It happens in the time it took to look back
I try to hold on tight, but there's no stopping time
What is it I've done with my life?

It happens in a blink
It happens in a blink

When it's all said and done
No one remembers
How far we have run
The only thing that matters
Is how we have loved

I don't want to miss
Even just a second
More of this

It happens in a blink, it happens in a flash
It happens in the time it took to look back
I try to hold on tight, but there's no stopping time
What is it I've done with my life?

It happens in a blink
It happens in a blink
It happens in a blink
It happens in a blink

Slow down
Slow down
Before today becomes
Our yesterday

Slow down
Slow down
Before today becomes
Our yesterday

It happens in a blink, it happens in a flash
It happens in the time it took to look back
I try to hold on tight, but there's no stopping time
What is it I've done with my life?

It happens in a blink, it happens in a flash
It happens in the time it took to look back
I try to hold on tight, but there's no stopping time
What is it I've done with my life?

It happens in a blink
It happens in a blink
It happens in a blink
It happens in a blink

 

A week in the hospital- I am burnt out

You can suffer the of change or suffer remaining the way you are. *.*Joyce Meyer*

I am so tired right now, I didn't sleep good. I was asleep at 11 and then orthopedic came at 12:30 and woke me up. The nurses came and re positioned me at 2 and I couldn't sleep. They came at 6 and while they were fixing me the pillow was moved and I told her "no you do it this way" she said "I've been doing this longer than you've been alive. It gets so frustrating how they don't listen to me. I have a fever 

Miia wants me to call her but her & Maiju only call or text me when I'm in the hospital other than that they really don't talk to me. My mom came today and she got me more vitiman waters, before she left from my house I talked with Lacy and she misses me she won't play with her toys. She goes upstairs to sleep and won't sleep down stairs 

On a happier note I got my walkman/mp3 player working, so tonight I can listen to music. I miss going to church this is week two that I've missed it and I miss it. Everyone there is friendly and like to joke around with me. But here everyone is so serious, except for this morning nurse she was fine with me :)

I was able to talk with a nursing supervisor about the nurse who told me that she knew how to do this job better than I did and she's been doing it for longer than I have. So they are going to make sure that I don't get her again. I am in so much pain right now. I am hoping that they can get me up a chair tomorrow, I've been laying down for a week and I'm sore, and frustrated

There is no one like you
David Crowder Band

You are more beautiful
Than anyone ever
Everyday You're the same
You never change, no never

And how could I ever deny
The love of my Savior
You are to me everything
All I need forever

How could You be so good to me?

There is no one like You
There has never ever been anyone like You

Everywhere You are there
Earth or air surrounding
I'm not alone, the heavens sing along
My God You're so astounding
How could You be so good to me
Eternally I believe that'

You, You, You, You, You, You

How could You be so good to me?
How could You be so good to me?
We're not alone, so sing along
We're not alone, so sing along, sing along, sing along

There is no one like You
There has never been anyone like You
There is no one like You
There has never been anyone like You
There his no one like our God, yeah

frustrated and tired

This morning the nurses were re-positioning me and I was checking my catheter & colostomy & the nurses said "don't touch those you can cause an infection" I said nicely "I know what I am doing". I am disabled but I know what I am doing, they got upset that I stood up for myself. It's not easy being disabled at all, the world only looks at my disabilities and nothing else. I called dds (Department of Developmental Services) where Ann works and the supervisor said "you use to go to a day program why did you quit?" I said because I was the higest functional disabled person there. So he gave me a number where they can help me go to Monty Tech and I can become a social worker and keep disabled people at mhs.

wow the nurses are rude, I have a nurse Sammy. I was supposed to gor an mri but I can't stay still for an hour so I left. They get so bent out of shape when I scream but they don't listen to me when I tell them stop and its getting very annoying too. I don't like the hospital food it's gross and my mom can't bring in any food because I'm on a soft food diet. I don't get why these nurses want to be one if their not nice. At church they are all nice. I've been trying to get their attention for half hour and I know that their busy but they still could be nice. Cameron my nurse who changes my catheter she's nice and funny. The people without God are the most unhappiest people, I wish that Suvi would come visit. Maiju says that hospitals freak her out.

These nurses have so many patience and I've been trying to get their attention for an hour now and they still haven't come and I am in so much pain.

My mom bought me a walker mp3 player since my iPod got lost.

Right Here 
Jeremy camp

ALL THE WORLD IS WATCHING
ALL THE WORLD DOES CARE
EVEN WHEN THE WORLD WEIGHS ON MY SHOULDER NOW,
THESE FEELINGS I CAN BEAR
BECAUSE I KNOW
THAT YOU'RE HERE
EVERYWHERE I GO I KNOW YOU'RE NOT FAR AWAY
YOU'RE RIGHT HERE
YOU'RE RIGHT HERE
ALL THESE THOUGTS I'VE WASTED
ALL THESE THOUGHTS I'VE FEARED
EVEN WHEN THESE
THOUGHTS ARE FADED
I STILL KNOW THAT YOU HEAR
SO I CAN REST MY HOPE IN YOU
EVERYWHERE I GO I KNOW YOU'RE NOT FAR AWAY
YOU'RE RIGHT HERE
YOU'RE RIGHT HERE
THE MANY TIMES THAT I HAVE FELT ALONE
THE MANY TIMES THAT I HAVE FELT THE WORLD WAS CRASHING DOWN UPON
YOU ALWAYS STOOD HERE BY MY SIDE YOU WERE ALWAYS THERE
EVERYWHERE I GO I KNOW YOU'RE NOT FAR AWAY,
YOU'RE RIGHT HERE
YOU'RE RIGHT HERE 

Please leave me uplifting comments

Miia & Maiju only seem to care when I'm in the hospital. Their both emailing & texting me, I am sure that they are blabbing to everyone about me. This wouldn't have happened if my mom did somethings with me but she's busy with Jorma and he wants her all to himself.

My body is sore, I wish that I had a boyfriend right now, my mom comes to visit me. But Maiju says that hospitals make her sick and Suvi has her life I wish they would come visit me. I don't like hospital food and they have me on a soft food diet I won't eat the food and my mom can't bring any food in because of my diet

I am beyond frustrated now, Steph hasn't texted me I think she's going to quit anyway. She is busy planning her wedding. My mom  went target and the Zune was to hard for me to hold so she's going to get me a bigger iPod.

Thank God that I can blog, it helps me allot especially now that I'm going through so many things. One thing that I really wish the nurses would understand is when I am saying "ouch" and they don't listen to me that gets frustrating. Tuesday when they did my eeg (Electroencephalography) they did see brain waves that weren't normal so hopefully they'll put me on some med to stop them. They are getting over whelming too.

Day after day
Kristian Standfil

Men will try to rule the world You made
But we know power is Your's alone to give and take
A day will come when every knee will bow
And every tongue confess that You are Lord both now and forever

Day after day our God is reigning
He's never shaken
My hope is in the Lord
Time after time our God is faithful
Trustworthy Savior
My hope is in the Lord

The fear of man and what they plan will fade
When we know you alone are God of everyday
Like the flowers man will rise and fall
But you are everlasting, never-ending, God eternal

Let the songs of adoration rise 
Our god is reigning up on high
He's worthy to receive the praise and the glory
Oh the glory

Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday's post

Tuesday May 15, 2005 

This my day number 4 without sleeping, my mom got mad at me how went out on Saturday and its getting frustrating too. I just wanted her to spend a little more time with me but she always needs Jorma. When ever I go into a rehab place I know that Nancy is going to tell me "you should have not told your mom to spend time with with you". But that's all I want from my mom and no one in my family understands that all and I wish they would.

My mom came by this afternoon and I told her that I'm not going out anymore and she said to the nurse I always tell her to be careful" I know that she loves me. I have a feeling that Steph is going to quit because she's dealt with all things, such as my showers and my laundry.  

It's so frustrating when the nurses come in at these awful time, I would just fall asleep and then they come in. So do these doctors. I am not looking forward of going to rehab because than Nancy will come in and tell me these things, last summer she said "you shouldn't be making all these trips to ER and calling 911". But this trip to the hospital wasn't useless, one minute I was driving on the side walk and the next minute I was on the ground. someone called my friend Beth she called Jessie from church and before I left Leominster Jessie came by and wished me luck

One good thing that comes from my mom is that she bought me reese's peanut butter cups, she does pray with me before she leaves. She told me that the few nights that I haven't been home Lacy is looking for me, Dawn and Steph they told me to call Ann my dds worker tomorrow, because I don't want to go back home. My mom will ignore me and she won't take me out, she's so busy with her life. I really don't want to go back there she doesn't like how I take the strong pain meds and nothing seems to please her and it gets very frustrating too!

Next Thing You Know (Thirteen)
Matthew West

I remember when I was thirteen
I saw a picture on my TV screen
The Reverend Billy Graham and the people sing “Just As I Am”
And I felt like You were talking to me

And the whole world seemed to fade away
Until I heard my mother say
“Son, are you ok? Do you wanna pray?
And that became the hour I first believed

Chorus:
And next thing you know
I'm high and flying, next thing you know
My heart is in Your hands, next thing you know
There is no denying, next thing you know
I'm a brand new man

Well I wish I could say I always stayed right there
And I did until my freshman year
But the world was pulling me along way from thirteen
And You were calling but I didn't hear

Still I knew there was something more
So one day my knees hit the dorm room floor
I said “If You're there and if You really care
Come and talk to me like I was thirteen”

Chorus:

I Got a picture in my head today
Of how Heaven might look someday
I see the people there so I pull up a chair
And their stories they blew me away

‘Cause I can see it on every face
Their evidence of grace
And as I listen it occurs to me
Everybody's got their own thirteen

(2X's)
So what's your story about His glory?
You gotta find your place in the history of grace

Monday's May 14th, 2012 Post

I am able to type but I have an iv and its not easy type, it scared me  when how one minute I was at the hospital  

Saturday May 13, 2012 

Hi. This is Minna's friend, Dawn. Minna is in the emergency room as I type this. She had a seizure today while walking over to the library. While in the seizure she crashed her power chair and it flipped over. She broke her lower leg but otherwise has minor injuries. She is awaiting to hear from the doctors on treatment. They are considering surgery and will admit her to the hospital. I am very upset that no one is with her. Her mom, Jorma, her sisters, and her PCA are at home and refuse to come to the ER. Please pray that the hand of God comforts her in this disparaging time. I am in another state and unable to go to her so I will send thoughts and a shoulder to lean on. That is all the information I have at this point. She is in a lot of pain and the medication the doctors are giving her is not working. Please pray her pain can be managed quickly and be maintained. Leave her comments as I know it would lift her spirits to read them once she is well enough to. ~Dawn 

My nurse was so rude towards me yesterday, I didn't like her attitude at all. She was repotioning me and I went into a spasm ane wouldn't not let go of my leg.
One thing that came out if this  hospital stay, I got my own room, last week I wasn't able to sit in my room but now I am. The nurses always com at 12  then if one of my room mates called for a nurse that again. I bet that tonight I'll be able to sleep allot. They shut my door at night last night I had so many tests done that every time that I fell asleep the nurses would come in and take me to an appointment in the middle of the night.
I had these nursing students with me tonight and they were really nice to me, but after their shift was done I got the rude cna and she has no patience with me what so ever and it gets so frustrating. Last night she came in my room so many times and my room mate said to her "she just fell asleep" the nursing students had allot more compassion for me than the other one. Tomorrow I am hoping that my neurologist will come by so she can figure out my spasms she has helped me in the past.
Tomorrow I am hoping that my social worker will come by, like I said in yesterday's post I don't want to go back home because my mom will ignore me. I don't mind going to visit her but sleeping there every night that's not easy. I do love her but she spends no time with me, she gets paid but she doesn't do anything with me because of Jorma he wants her time all to himself he doesn't mind sharing her with my sisters but when it comes to me he wants all of her time and it gets pretty frustrating living there.
Let Me Shine on you
David Crowder Band
This place is trying to break my belief 
But my faith is bigger than all I can see 
And what I need is redemption 
And what I need is for You for to put me back on my feet 

I swear I'm trying to give everything 
But I feel I'm falling, make me believe 
What I need is resurrection 
What I need is for You to put me back on my feet 

If I could feel You shine Your perpetual light 
Then maybe I could crawl out of this tonight 
If I could feel You feel You shine 
Oh let me feel You shine 
So beautiful and warm 
So beautiful and bright 
Like a sun comin' out of a rainy sky 
Let me feel You shine Oh
Let me feel You shine

I lift the knife to the thing I love most 
Praying You'll come so I can have both 
What I need is You to touch me 
What I need is for You to be the thing that I need 

If I could feel You shine your perpetual light 
Then maybe I could crawl out of this tonight 
If I could feel You feel You shine 
Oh let me feel You shine 
So beautiful and warm 
So beautiful and bright 
Like a sun comin' out of a rainy sky 
Oh let me feel You shine 

God I need a Savior 
O come generous King 
O God I need a Savior 
To come rescue me 

Oh let me feel You shine Your magnificent light 
Then maybe I could crawl out of this tonight 
If You let me feel You feel You shine 
Oh let me feel You shine 
So beautiful and warm 
So beautiful and bright 
Like a sun comin' out of a rainy sky 
Oh let me feel You shine 

Let me feel You shine
Let me feel You shine 

Thank you for keeping me in your prayers

When my mom was putting me in bed last night I really didn't talk with her, she kept yawing she said "Jorma and I went for an hour walk and it was rain then it stopped". She gets paid all these hours but she doesn't want to do anything with me, she'll do something with my sisters, aunts and Jorma and sometimes take me out. Tomorrow Steph is having pictures with Chad that means my day is going to be long. My mom will get me up, call her sisters in Finland and Jorma will be with her and I'll be down here myself. Then they'll go walking, I've had enough of the rejection. She doesn't like how I ask for a ice pack for my back, but when the tendon gets inflamed it gets hot. There is only so much I can handle, I've dealt with this for 9 years I know where she wants me in a day program. I don't want to talk to her anymore, she was different when my dad was alive but when Jorma came into our lives she changed. Maiju doesn't believe me, he can't go any where himself he always needs my mom. I know my family doesn't like when I blog they tell me that I lie to them. Two years ago when they read my blog my niece Siira stuck up for me, because April 2008 she found out that she had a sister Simone and when she asked them "why did you lie?" they didn't answer. My mom doesn't want to listen to me, and I can't go to Maiju or Suvi blogging helps me.
Steph came and did my shower and it went cold, my mom said "no it's not cold come feel" so Steph went to go feel the water and it was cold. I was in so much pain after my shower. So after I took my shower I was in so much pain and I called Ann my dds/social worker and I told her that my mom wanted my shower done and then I was spasming allot and my mom didn't even care. We left then we went to the park and Steph got bored sitting at the park so she let me go get my drink packets and everything that I needed. I went to my psychologist and she helped me write out my testimony because I am getting baptized I really enjoy talking with her she's blind herself so it helps to have someone else who is disabled and she goes to a same kind of church that I do so it's easy to relate to her. I went to the grocery store and then to cvs, the sun makes me so tired.
I was telling my mom that the neurologist might increase one of meds that relax my body and she didn't like that. She's not the one living in the pain that I live in and if she would sit in my room with me at nights that would help me. But she doesn't want to do that she wants all the easy things and nothing else. It would help me allot if she sat in my room but she's so busy with her life that I am kind of important to her. She doesn't like how I have the ice on my back or if I get the medication increased. After my shower my body was spasming and Steph felt bad that she couldn't help me. If it wasn't for God I probably would have given up by now, but I am fighter. Tonight when I went back to the Lutheran church that was so weird everyone there is so serious and I'm use to people joking around with me. I showed two people my testimony and they thought it was really good, on Sunday when I go to church I am going to show it to people and see if they think it needs changing. I am getting baptized on June 10th going back to the Lutheran church that's weird going back there. I know that people want me to go back there but everyone is to serious and I could fall asleep during one of their services but at born again service I can't fall asleep.
Today when I was talking with my psychologist and she was helping me write out my testimony we were talking about the apostle Paul how he had a throne in his side but he was able to save people. In my testimony that's what she put how I finally figured out why I was a disabled and that's to save other people. My pastors friend got cancer and he couldn't do things, he's just like me. When I was done at FHS I was full time pca and 3 years later I had to get a power chair, but through all that I learned how to do things differently. I fill my own drinks, and I've learned to open doors differently and even though I have all these challenges I still do things and I don't let my disabilities stop me. I don't need someone to come to the grocery store for me. Through my disabilities I'm able to help other disabled people, and make me feel better about myself. I like talking with my psychologist it helps to know that she goes through the same things as I do. In my testimony I put how God turned my dad's cancer into a blessing for me he taught me how to live. The goodbye wasn't easy but I know he's in a better place now, and I'm still his chocolate queen that will never change. It's sad how cancer doesn't take one person but the whole family. Steph was saying if my mom wants the showers done so badly than my mom should be doing them. When I called Ann and told her that the shower isn't easy for me and how I went into a long spasm she didn't like that either did Steph. I hope I can get out of here soon, my mom clearly doesn't want to do anything with me she wants Steph to do all the laundry and showers. It's not fair for Steph to do every thing, I wish I had the courage to tell my mom that I would want a night time pca since she doesn't want to spend time with me. I need some human interaction and my mom doesn't want to give it to me. I wonder if my mom, Jorma, Maiju and her family and Suvi and Brad will come to my baptism on June 10th I know that Steph, Chad and Dale will if I ask Dale and give her a two week notice. When she first started to work with me in 2006 I had half naked men on my wall and my favorite was the "f" word and now I have bible verses and good quotes on my walls.
Strong Enough to save
Tenth Avenue North
[Verse 1:]
You faught
but you were just too weak
so you lost
all the things you try to keep
now you're on your knees, you're on your knees

But wait,
everything can change,
in a moments time you don't have to be afraid,
cause fear is just a lie
open up your eyes

[Chorus:]
And he'll break
open the skies to save
those who cry out his name
the One the wind and waves obey
is strong enough to save you

[Verse 2:]
Look
now is not too late
lift up your head
let the rain fall on your face
youre not far from grace, your not too far from grace

[Chorus:]
And he'll break
open the skies to save
those who cry out his name
the One the wind and waves obey
is strong enough to save you
[Repeat]

[Bridge:]
I know the weight of this world can take you down like gravity and I know the current of yourself can take you out, out to sea but hold on, hold on

[Chorus:]
And he'll break
open the skies to save
those who cry out his name
the One the wind and waves obey
is strong enough to save you