Pray for me

Last night was so long, Steph & I got back to my house around 3 and my mom & Jorma came back at 3:30 and they unpacked their things and then they went upstairs. My mom had a headache so she said "I needed to take a nap", but she always has a headache after Steph leaves and she always goes upstairs. I need the courage to say to her "if you're not going to do anything with me then I will hire someone who is willing to take me out and interact with me so my nights aren't boring". This past Sunday Maiju had a purse party and I was alone then I saw Jorma come home and he wouldn't come inside because of me. At 4 I always need to take my meds and Steph isn't here to make me dinner and my mom is here. I can't reach things such as the peanut butter or jelly, every thing is out of my reach. Jorma makes fun of me when I ask my mom for something, but it's not my fault that they put things out of my reach. I wish my house was a one story house, that way I could go see what my mom and Jorma do upstairs. Yesterday when I called Ann, I told her that I'm burnt out of always sitting in my room at nights, and my mom is my pca also. My spasms get worse at night, and it would really help me if she sat in here with me, but Jorma needs to see her every second. My pain slowly increases after 4 and by 10:30 my pain is a 6 or 7 and it would really help me if I had someone here with me at nights since my mom doesn't want to do anything with me.
Steph & I were talking about my mom, how my nights are so long here. My mom doesn't check up on me at all, so tonight I am going to tell my mom "since you are busy watching your shows and watching the Finnish news. I am going to hire someone else to keep me company. You have someone here with you and when you want you can easily go upstairs and watch the Finnish news with Jorma and I get bored down here doing the same thing every night." She can easily go upstairs at any time and be with Jorma and I always get stuck in my room. It's getting to the point where it is really frustrating too, she gets paid for all these hours but she does nothing with me. I was also telling Steph how Jorma can't get his blood drawn or go to his own doctor and if I could go to those places myself then I would. But he always needs my mom and there is no need for me here, my mom doesn't make me dinner she's so busy with her own life and I am bored. After Steph leaves at 3 then there is no human interaction. I know my mom won't like how I can't go for showers but it's not easy for me to transfer into the shower. My mom would get upset if Steph were to call 911, last summer when Jorma turned 60 I went to Maiju's house and Nancy was there and she said "no more making trips to the hospital for no reason". It gets so stressful living here, I am sick of Jorma's comments too. Steph & Dale told me that if he says something to me then I need to say in a nice way "why did you say that for?" I am burnt out by living here. I always change my room around since I am in here allot and I get bored. There are allot of people who are willing to come hang out with me but my mom doesn't want anyone here at nights. She has Jorma and I have Lacy but I need more human interaction than that. Kayley's friend Sarah called me on Sunday and I asked if she could become my pca and I know my mom wouldn't like that. She doesn't like if I go volunteer, there's just allot going on and I am happy that I can blog and get my frustrations out.
While I was filling my drinks Jorma was helping my mom bring the trash out and he was in his boxers with no shirt on, when I see that he walks around with no shirt on it creeps me out. I texted that to Dale and she said I should have said "gross", it is gross. If he can afford his own van insurance and the van, he can afford his own apartment but he always needs my mom. I wish I could have night time pcas to keep me company but because of him I can't. As I've said before they don't want to get married because they'll lose their money and my mom will lose the money from my dad. But imagine seeing your moms boyfriend with no shirt on, would that creep you out? Jorma isn't an happy man, he is rude to my mom and to me but my sisters see the nice side to him. I wish that I had a hidden camera where I could show them that he's really not that nice to her. He is so moody too, he wants my mom all the time tonight they went to watch the Finnish news. I keep my door shut at nights so that I don't see him walk around in his boxers. When my mom let him move back here in March she said "he doesn't drink" but he does. Steph has gone in garage and there is beer in there and she always says it in a joke "do you want one?" and I say "oh yeah". But Jorma hasn't given himself to the Lord and I highly doubt he ever will, on Easter he said "when I get to heaven I will be drinking allot of beer" and I said "in heaven there's no beer" then he said "I will be drinking allot of wine then".
I texted that I saw Jorma half naked to Dawn and she said "thank God your half blind!". I went to Chad's apartment where Steph staying and we watched Marley and Me it's a good movie. I read the book and saw the movie when it came out. I had a social dog her name was Lucy and when I went to MHS the dietitians called my dad and asked him "why is your daughter so skinny?" and the vet wondered why Lucy was so big. One Friday, I was home from MHS and he saw me feeding pizza to Lucy. I was telling Steph through out my 29 years I've said good bve to to many people, the hardest was my dad. I see all these father's day cards and it still hurts. I know he is proud of me how I still go to church even though I live in pain and spasms how I go every where even though I have 3 disabilities. Every night I wish that my mom would spend time with me but she's so busy with Jorma, the Finnish news and every thing else it's not a good feeling. I was telling Steph how Jorma can't go any where without my mom and he needs her, he can't do his own laundry and she even said that he acts like a child and it's true. If I could drive myself to places then I would, I can go every where myself. I wish my mom would interact with me. I miss living on my own but I can't because it would be really hard to find the staff to help me. I can't cook, or transfer myself into the shower or get in bed when I want too. I miss those days allot, when I get my new chair it will have recline so I can lay down when I want too. I am hoping that my new chair the foot plate will be better than this one. My heels are always sore, but hopefully I will get the phenol and botox soon. The pain and spasms are getting frustrating, when I'm at church or when Steph is here she's able to keep me calm so are the people at my church, my brain doesn't know how to relax I have the 3 disabilities. It's easy to talk to my therapist who is blind herself and is disabled too. When Ellen comes back I am going to ask her if I can go to Diane since she's disabled and we can relate too and we like the same Christian artist too. I am going to make her a CD and give it to her on Friday and I'm sure that she'll like it, I told her that I like the born again churches allot better than the Lutheran church they joke around with me but the Lutheran church they are so serious and they don't like to joke around with me. Diane and I can talk about God, I've been looking for a Christian therapist too so we think it was meant to happen.
Everywhere you go
Third Day
Nothing can stop me
I am not gonna change my mind
No one can keep me from the road that I'm on this time
No matter what, I'm going to do what it takes to make it

I didn't know what I was missing 'til I met you
I never even thought to listen
No, I never knew
And now you've given me a second chance and I'll take it

So here I am, Lord, I want to be where You are
I need You now, won't You show me the way

Everywhere You go, I wanna go
Will You take me with You
Everywhere you lead, I wanna be by your side
Everyone you love, I wanna love
Just like you love me
Everywhere you go, I wanna go there with you

It doesn't matter how long this is gonna take me
I'm gonna keep on moving even if it breaks me
I'll never turn around
I have found where I am going