When
my mom was putting me in bed last night I really didn't talk with her,
she kept yawing she said "Jorma and I went for an hour walk and it was
rain then it stopped". She gets paid all these hours but she doesn't
want to do anything with me, she'll do something with my sisters, aunts
and Jorma and sometimes take me out. Tomorrow Steph is having pictures
with Chad that means my day is going to be long. My mom will get me up,
call her sisters in Finland and Jorma will be with her and I'll be down
here myself. Then they'll go walking, I've had enough of the rejection.
She doesn't like how I ask for a ice pack for my back, but when the
tendon gets inflamed it gets hot. There is only so much I can handle,
I've dealt with this for 9 years I know where she wants me in a day
program. I don't want to talk to her anymore, she was different when my
dad was alive but when Jorma came into our lives she changed. Maiju
doesn't believe me, he can't go any where himself he always needs my
mom. I know my family doesn't like when I blog they tell me that I lie
to them. Two years ago when they read my blog my niece Siira stuck up
for me, because April 2008 she found out that she had a sister Simone
and when she asked them "why did you lie?" they didn't answer. My mom
doesn't want to listen to me, and I can't go to Maiju or Suvi blogging
helps me.
Steph
came and did my shower and it went cold, my mom said "no it's not cold
come feel" so Steph went to go feel the water and it was cold. I was in
so much pain after my shower. So after I took my shower I was in so much
pain and I called Ann my dds/social worker and I told her that my mom
wanted my shower done and then I was spasming allot and my mom didn't
even care. We left then we went to the park and Steph got bored sitting
at the park so she let me go get my drink packets and everything that I
needed. I went to my psychologist and she helped me write out my
testimony because I am getting baptized I really enjoy talking with her
she's blind herself so it helps to have someone else who is disabled and
she goes to a same kind of church that I do so it's easy to relate to
her. I went to the grocery store and then to cvs, the sun makes me so
tired.
I
was telling my mom that the neurologist might increase one of meds that
relax my body and she didn't like that. She's not the one living in the
pain that I live in and if she would sit in my room with me at nights
that would help me. But she doesn't want to do that she wants all the
easy things and nothing else. It would help me allot if she sat in my
room but she's so busy with her life that I am kind of important to her.
She doesn't like how I have the ice on my back or if I get the
medication increased. After my shower my body was spasming and Steph
felt bad that she couldn't help me. If it wasn't for God I probably
would have given up by now, but I am fighter. Tonight when I went back
to the Lutheran church that was so weird everyone there is so serious
and I'm use to people joking around with me. I showed two people my
testimony and they thought it was really good, on Sunday when I go to
church I am going to show it to people and see if they think it needs
changing. I am getting baptized on June 10th going back to the Lutheran
church that's weird going back there. I know that people want me to go
back there but everyone is to serious and I could fall asleep during one
of their services but at born again service I can't fall asleep.
Today
when I was talking with my psychologist and she was helping me write
out my testimony we were talking about the apostle Paul how he had a
throne in his side but he was able to save people. In my testimony
that's what she put how I finally figured out why I was a disabled and
that's to save other people. My pastors friend got cancer and he
couldn't do things, he's just like me. When I was done at FHS I was full
time pca and 3 years later I had to get a power chair, but through all
that I learned how to do things differently. I fill my own drinks, and
I've learned to open doors differently and even though I have all these
challenges I still do things and I don't let my disabilities stop me. I
don't need someone to come to the grocery store for me. Through my
disabilities I'm able to help other disabled people, and make me feel
better about myself. I like talking with my psychologist it helps to
know that she goes through the same things as I do. In my testimony I
put how God turned my dad's cancer into a blessing for me he taught me
how to live. The goodbye wasn't easy but I know he's in a better place
now, and I'm still his chocolate queen that will never change. It's sad
how cancer doesn't take one person but the whole family. Steph was
saying if my mom wants the showers done so badly than my mom should be
doing them. When I called Ann and told her that the shower isn't easy
for me and how I went into a long spasm she didn't like that either did
Steph. I hope I can get out of here soon, my mom clearly doesn't want to
do anything with me she wants Steph to do all the laundry and showers.
It's not fair for Steph to do every thing, I wish I had the courage to
tell my mom that I would want a night time pca since she doesn't want to
spend time with me. I need some human interaction and my mom doesn't
want to give it to me. I wonder if my mom, Jorma, Maiju and her family
and Suvi and Brad will come to my baptism on June 10th I know that
Steph, Chad and Dale will if I ask Dale and give her a two week notice.
When she first started to work with me in 2006 I had half naked men on
my wall and my favorite was the "f" word and now I have bible verses and
good quotes on my walls.
Strong Enough to save
Tenth Avenue North
[Verse 1:]
You faught
but you were just too weak
so you lost
all the things you try to keep
now you're on your knees, you're on your knees
But wait,
everything can change,
in a moments time you don't have to be afraid,
cause fear is just a lie
open up your eyes
[Chorus:]
And he'll break
open the skies to save
those who cry out his name
the One the wind and waves obey
is strong enough to save you
[Verse 2:]
Look
now is not too late
lift up your head
let the rain fall on your face
youre not far from grace, your not too far from grace
[Chorus:]
And he'll break
open the skies to save
those who cry out his name
the One the wind and waves obey
is strong enough to save you
[Repeat]
[Bridge:]
I know the weight of this world can take you down like gravity and I
know the current of yourself can take you out, out to sea but hold on,
hold on
[Chorus:]
And he'll break
open the skies to save
those who cry out his name
the One the wind and waves obey
is strong enough to save you
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