Things
have changed since I wrote my mom the email yesterday, but I had to
write it. She doesn't want to do anything with me and my chair hasn't
gotten a full charge, when she's mad at me she ignores me. I was just
telling her how I felt, but Finnish people hold their feelings in and
aren't supposed to express how they feel about their days. I wish she
would talk about how she's feeling. I no longer have the energy to live
here, I know there will be allot more tension between us. I am so happy
that I'm going to church tomorrow, when I'm there I forget that I am
disabled and I forget about my problems too. I'm able to talk to people
there and they treat me like everyone else. Last week when I didn't come
home right away my mom asked me "why did you come home so late?" I said
"because people wanted to talk with me". Like I said in yesterday's
post I could tell that it offended my mom that I am getting baptized
again. My psychologist who is a Christian we were talking about being
born again and really trusting the Lord. She is blind so that makes it
even easier on me to talk to her, it's easier to talk to someone who is a
Christian.
I
like having busy days they make my days go by faster, I left my house
at 10:40 this morning. I really wish that I lived in Leominster than in
my town. The roads are better here but in my town the roads are horrible
and every street they are working on & they are bumpy and hurt my
body, I have a feeling that that it's going to be like that all the
summer.
I
was out since 10:40 this morning and I didn't get back home until 8:10.
Steph let me do my own thing I went to the Leominster library I like
that library allot better than the Fitchburg library. I saw my friends
Dave and Shawn they always run from me, they know that I'd go after them
and I do it in a joking way. When I'm out and doing things to keep me
busy it takes my mind focused off myself. I don't want to tell my mom
about the volunteer job because then she'll freak out. But I want and
need it, I am excited to start it. I get away from here and I get to
forget that I am disabled for awhile same as when I go out to different
places and I'm not stuck in my room. I was hoping that the email would
change my mom but it didn't and sadly I don't think that she'll ever
change she has her life. So I will create my own life and I know that
she's not going to like if Steph leaves because then my mom will have to
work and not just watch her shows and do her easy things in life.
My
wheels are making this really annoying noise, Maiju is having a party
tomorrow but her house isn't easy for me to get into. She has rocks in
her drive way and I wish that she didn't have any rocks and I wish that
she had a better way of getting into her house but she doesn't and I
have a feeling that she'll never have a way for me to get in their
either. As I've said before it's not easy being me at all, between my
mom and Jorma. My mom would flip out if she found that Steph wasn't with
me the whole day. Steph is going to Maiju's party and I said to her
please don't tell my mom because then I need to deal with it. On Monday
I'm going to tell Ann that my mom does nothing with me she does her own
thing. I'm burnt out by her that's another reason why I go to barns and
noble to get the human interaction since my mom doesn't seem to want to
give it to me. When I go to church and different places it makes me feel
better about myself, I know once I start at the volunteer job I will
forget that I am disabled. I wish that public school never took me out
of MHS I wouldn't be in this house or in this town. I wish my dad got
the colostomy he would still be here if he did that and my mom would be
different. I miss my old mom who would interact with me and I wish that
Maiju and Suvi both had ramps to get into their houses but they don't
but it's their loss. It is a nice feeling to have friends at church who
care about me and they don't let me leave right away if they notice me
to quiet that's always a good feeling to have
I Will Follow
Chris Tomlin
Where you go, I'll go
Where you stay, I'll stay
When you move, I'll move
I will follow...
All your ways are good
All your ways are sure
I will trust in you alone
Higher than my side
High above my life
I will trust in you alone
Where you go, I'll go
Where you stay, I'll stay
When you move, I'll move
I will follow you
Who you love, I'll love
How you serve I'll serve
If this life I lose, I will follow you
I will follow you
Light unto the world
Light unto my life
I will live for you alone
You're the one I seek
Knowing I will find
All I need in you alone, in you alone
In you there's life everlasting
In you there's freedom for my soul
In you there joy, unending joy
and I will follow
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