I hope that Ann can get me out of here soon, I always come home and she goes upstairs and I'm always in my room and it gets boring. I wish I could tell her how I feel about it but I doubt that she would care I am sick of Jorma too. I went to the library and I got some more books, I don't want to read any books that have swears in them. I am getting baptized next month and I want to invite my mom and two sisters but I'm not sure if they would come to it. On a happier note, Chris (the wheelchair guy) called me and insurance approved of my new power chair.
My mom is always asking me "did you eat today?" last week I said "no". I know if I lose weight again I will get a g-tube. Four years ago when something personal happened between Dale and I, I ended up at Leominster hospital where everyone thought that I tried kill myself. After that I stopped eating, and I got so skinny and I lost allot of weight too. One day I was going down to my apartment and Dale and her husband where sitting at dairy queen and she saw how skinny I was. When she came back she got me to eat. I am a picky eater, I miss peanuts but with my colostomy I can't eat them anymore. But I am 29 and I know if I don't eat what will happen to me. My mom worries too much, when I go down to church or some where she is always saying "be careful" I know what to look out for, right now they are fixing the streets because they are really bad and bumpy too. I need to tell Steph in the morning that she asked me if I ate. I ate taco's and Steph asked me "why do you make a mess?" I said "because of my CP & MD, the spasms make my hands spasm. I had to get use to people feeding me but I know that I need it at times so that's when I allow the help. I can slowly start eating solid foot, last week I had oral surgery and they had to pull my wisdom teeth out and I couldn't eat solid food. I miss my chocolate, but I know I can't have that yet so I'll be patient with myself and wait for it.
When I went to the library today I got the book by Joyce Meyer and she says how the enemy uses things to make us feel bad about ourselves and that's what Jorma does. Since he kind of believes in God he has the enemy, one day he's really nice to me then the next day he's not. I know that he doesn't like how I take up my mom's time meaning when she puts me in bed. When I moved back here in 2009 he didn't like it at all, he wouldn't talk or look at me. If I could live on my own than I would but it's hard to find staff to help me. When I came back from MHS I use to be able to do allot for myself and when I went to public school I couldn't do things for myself. When my pastor was talking about his friend who use to be able to do allot for himself and now can't I got goose bumps. I want to meet his friend and tell him all the things that I could do for myself, I miss those days when I didn't need help or be this disabled. But I really believe the reason why I was sent to public school was to get disabled people out of public school and into MHS. Dawn encouraged me to go back to school and become a social worker and work for MHS. This afternoon I called Ann and asked her again if she knew how long the waiting list for shared living is, I told her from the time Steph leaves to the time I go to bed I am in my room alone. My mom goes upstairs and does her thing, and then comes down stairs and watches her shows. I told Ann that I'm burnt out, I don't like seeing Jorma in his boxers at nights so I need to keep my door shut other wise I would see him half naked. Steph wondered what do they do upstairs all the time, I wonder that too. January 2009 when he moved in here my mom had Miia and Maiju take me for the night and we wondered what are they doing. Once Jorma told me "I believe in God but I don't complain about my life like you do" but I don't complain I go through allot more, I live in pain and spasm and my mom doesn't interact with me she's more busy with him and doing her own thing and I'm just her option and it makes me sad. I can't have a late night pca because then Jorma couldn't walk around in his boxers and my mom couldn't walk in her short night gown
Mountain Of God
Third Day
Thought that I was all alone
Broken and afraid
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me
And I didn't even know
That I had lost my way
But You were there with me
Yes, You were there with me
'Til You opened up my eyes
I never knew
That I couldn't ever make it
Without You
Even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard
Well, the One who's gone before me
He will help me carry on
After all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God
As I travel on the road
That You have lead me down
You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me
I have need for nothing more
Oh, now that I have found
That You are here with me
Yes, You are here with me
I confess from time to time
I lose my way
But You are always there
To bring me back again
Sometimes I think of where it is I've come from
And the things I've left behind
But of all I've had, what I possessed
Nothing can quite compare
With what's in front of me
With what's in front of me
No comments:
Post a Comment