Burnt out with my life

Today I am going to church, everyone jokes around with me there they call me the bad driver. I tell them that I am a good driver and they always say "yeah, in who's eyes?" everyone is willing to talk to me there. Last week I didn't get home until 2 and my mom wondered why did I come home that late? I love the worship there everything is more lively and I am getting baptized next month. In the Lutheran churches they baptize their babies when they are 2 months old, I don't remember that day at all. When I had my oral surgery and I was telling my mom that I'm getting baptized she said "you already were when you were a baby, you don't need it again". Like I said in yesterday's post my sister is having a party at her house, but my wheels are making this really annoying sound and in her drive way there are rocks and this chair needs to last me until I get my other one & I'm not sure when that is going to come. I am hoping soon, I always need my charger and when I go to my church down the road I need to bring my charger there too. This past Friday my psychiatrist and I were talking about how God can change a life such as mine, how I use to swear and drink and how I quit doing all of that. I'm still not perfect, no one is only God is perfect. I was telling her last May when I went back to the Lutheran church for Christian's confirmation they wouldn't give me communion because I never passed their class. I was emailing this girl Jean, but I once sent her a quote that wasn't God related and she deleted me off her facebook. I don't get why my mom and Jorma go to church when they come back and live in sin, it's sad when my dad died my mom died too. 
The message today at church was to never give up, the pastors friend got cancer and he use to be able to do allot for himself but then he got weaker. After I went to the pastor and I want to email his friend and tell him that I use to be able to do allot for myself then I got weaker. As I've said before when I was at mhs I wasn't in my power chair and I could do allot more for myself, so many people are willing to help Steph out but my mom doesn't want to take the help. It gets frustrating with her she told me this morning "Steph can do your shower on Tuesday" she decides all these things for me and won't let me decide anything for myself.  Tomorrow when I go meet with Ann my dds worker I am going to tell her all the things that have been going on around here with my mom. She is my pca also but she doesn't want to do anything with me or for me, she has Steph do all my laundry and everything and it's not fair for Steph that she needs to do everything. I am 29 and I don't need to be told when to do my showers but she is controlled by Jorma so she controls me. My mom doesn't know that I got the volunteer job she wouldn't like it because if Steph leaves then I'm going to put my mom to work. She is going to do allot for me and I know she won't like it but oh well. My mom doesn't hang any bible verses or quotes up she comes home goes upstairs and does her own thing and I am burnt out. But when I start emailing the pastor's friend we can relate, I never had cancer but I can never go back in a manual chair and I will always need help doing personal care because I'm unable to do it for myself. But I can fill my own drinks, read and blog and that's where I'll have the connection with him of what we can do for ourselves instead of what we can't do for ourselves. It will probably help the both of us out, when I find bible verses and good quotes I send them to people and I will send them to him too. Once I am done getting the message out of the bible verse or quote I put it in a book and I give them to people and I amaze people when I do them. It takes me 2 hours to find the right bible verses and quotes
Earlier tonight around 6 Jorma said something to me and when I asked him "what did you say?" he said "I forgot". I wish I could hire another pca, when I had Siira and Dale I also had Suvi here too and my mom was my pca too. I need to move out of here, Kayley's friend Sarah wanted to be my pca this summer and I know my mom wouldn't allow it. My mom is always on the phone and she's also my pca but she won't do things for me, and I could easily have someone else here. I wish that I could have some human interaction but my mom wouldn't like it. I am always in my room and it gets so boring sitting in here, right now she's talking to my aunt. I am burnt out by being her second priority. She always tells me "Steph needs to keep the van clean". Yesterday when I was coming back from barns and noble she saw my colostomy back hanging out and she said "cover that ugly thing". She started to call my catheter ugly after last summer when Miia called it ugly, do they think that I want these things? Yes they are keeping me alive but she didn't need to call them ugly that hurt me allot. A few weeks ago when I was leaving to church my mom called my catheter ugly and she said "we need to cover that ugly thing no one wants to see it". She wouldn't do that to any of my sisters and Jorma wouldn't say things like to my sisters but because I am disabled they treat me different.
Tomorrow is going to be busy, I am getting my hospital ed and we are going to change my room around. It's going to be allot easier getting in bed, right now when I get in bed I have a sheet to grab on and it's not easy. I have an appointment with my dds worker, I am going to start volunteering. I will be helping the clients with social money and writing skills. Same like I did at the arc, I am excited because I will forget about my disabilities and my pain and spasms. I will go there from 10am to 2pm I know that Lacy won't like it because she will miss me. I need to do something to keep my mind busy. My colostomy it gets itchy and I can't scratch it even though it feels good to scratch it. Steph is going to Ann what goes on, how my mom wants my showers done, but getting in the shower that's not easy it hurts allot. I am burnt out with Jorma too, the things that he says to me then he says "I forgot" but I didn't believe it. He wants all of my moms attention, he can't go to doctors appointments without my mom. I am 29 and I can go places myself and I don't need someone with me all the time. It would be nice if my mom gave me some time but she has chosen the people who she wants in her life. I am going to think how I want my room to be, at least this bed has wheels so it will be easier to move when I need my room changed. Lacy will need to learn how to jump on it, my bed now is a full size bed but when I get into bed it makes me so tired. I am glad that Steph learned how to use the hoyer lift, I wish my mom would use it but she wants to go upstairs with Jorma. She came back from Maiju's and her and Jorma went right upstairs and I got left down here myself, that gets boring. I need more human interaction. I don't think that I will be getting here. I know my mom would flip out if she found out that Ann got me the volunteer job but I need something to make me feel good about myself. Imagine this: you could get in and out of bed yourself, shower and do all these things. Then public school tells you they have a better program, but that whole year I didn't learn anything. That's why it will make me feel better about myself when I start to volunteer.
City on our Knees
Toby Mac
If you gotta start somewhere

Why not here?
If you gotta start sometime
Why not now?
If we gotta start somewhere I say here
If we gotta start sometime I say now

Through the fog
There is hope in the distance
From cathedrals to third world missions
Love will fall to the earth like a crashing wave

First Chorus:
Tonight's the night
For the sinners and the saints
Two worlds collide in a beautiful display
It's all up tonight
When we step across the line
We can sail across the sea
To a city with one king
A city on our knees

If you gotta start somewhere
Why not here?
If you gotta start sometime
Why not now?
If we gotta start somewhere
I say here
If we gotta start sometime
I say now

Chorus

Tonight could last forever
We are one choice from together
Family, we're family
You and me, yeah you and me

Second Chorus:
Tonight's the night
For the sinners and the saints
Two worlds collide in a glorious display
It's all up tonight
When we step across the line
We can sail across the sea
To a city with one king
A city on our knees

If we gotta start somewhere
Why not here?
If we gotta start sometime
Why not now?