more pictures from yesterday..

Tonight Stephanie is sleeping over, she's going to do that once a month so my mom gets a break and I do too :). I will have company too, she does her own thing and I do mine. It's nice, that's what Siira use to do and I need the company at nights, since my mom would rather watch tv and talk on the phone. I need the company once a week, every one does it's healthy for everyone. Imagine sitting in your room every night from 5-11 doing the same thing while your mom sits in the living room and you're stuck in your room. When I go out there, she asks me "what do you want?" but yesterday she did sit outside with me for awhile. I knew that Jorma didn't like it, because he said something rude to me but was to immature to tell me what he said. The next time he says something I am going to say "I'm disabled, but only in my legs and would you treat my sisters or anyone else this way?" and if he says "no" then I am going to say "I'm not different, I am smart, just because I'm disabled that doesn't mean that I'm smart and please treat me like you treat everyone else". Or I wonder if that would be a waste of my time? probably would be a waste of my time. I know that him and my mom when I move out they are going to move to Florida and that's why he's fixing up the house so they can sell it and get out of here.

I don't think my mom likes the idea of Stephanie doing the over night because I was telling her that she was coming at 4pm today, and she said "wouldn't you rather have someone here in the day?" I would rather have someone here at night time, at nights those are long. I was in the kitchen and Jorma had to go for a blood test and I moved out of his way and he said "hurry up". I am meeting with my dds worker on Friday with Ellen and I am hoping to be out of here by October, there is no love here. I can't stay here anymore, I've done it for so many years that I can't do it anymore. I wish I had a camera so I could show my sister's what Jorma is really like and how rude he really is towards me. It brings tears to my eyes and right now when I'm writing about it the tears are coming. I wish my mom would stick up for me but she never will or never has. Last night when I was telling her about Al, she told me "you guys all lie and that's not good" I put my head phones in and ignored her. I don't lie, I tell people the truth just like in September when my Maiju read my blog and I put how rude Jorma really is. She emailed me and said "he's not rude I love him as a father", I said "you don't live here and you have no idea what goes on around here". Another reason why my mom probably doesn't like the idea of Stephanie sleeping over is that she is taking her hours, but she just sits out in the living room at nights and calls people and there is no human interaction between 5-11 and I get bored and that's when I think of my disabilities and I wouldn't do it to her and when I have a seizure she isn't in here to stop it. Stephanie always says "Minna" and repeats my name until I come out of it, I am hoping the doctor can put me on some anti seizure medication.

I am hoping that Ann from dds can get me more pca hours, I like having Stephanie here at nights. I want to find someone from 6pm=11pm. The nights go by faster with someone in my room, when my mom is here she just sits out in the living room and talks on the phone or she's watching TV and I'm sick of it. So this Friday Ellen, Ann, and I are going to meet and I am going to tell Ann everything that happens here with my mom and I. How she just sits out there, and I am going to look for a Christian pca in the past when I've had other pca's they're not Christians and it's not good, they say "Jesus Christ" and I had one pca who always smoked. It's hard being disabled and finding good help and it gets frustrating as well. I am spasming like crazy right now and I am so glad that I have Stephanie right now because if I didn't have her in my room, my mom would be talking on the phone and sometimes that's what happens and she's so busy with her life that she doesn't want to spend time with me and that all changed when Jorma came into the picture how he's her first choice and I'm her second choice and I hate it. But oh well I will get out of her life and let her move to Florida, if it wasn't for God I don't know where I would be in my life. I am going to tell Ann my dds worker that I really need someone here at nights because I can either get a spasm or seizure and how my mom is so busy with her life that she doesn't sit in my room with me at all. It would also help her out too, so that she wouldn't need to put me in bed or get me up any more and just be my mom and not my care taker.

I went down to the library today and did puzzles and I like doing my own thing, it helps me forget that I am disabled. I don't see how my mom can manage being followed by Jorma every where she goes. I couldn't handle having someone following me every where I go. When Stephanie and I go shopping she lets me go alone around the store myself and it makes me feel good about myself. MHS taught me allot of good things and that's one good thing they taught me was to go shopping myself and that was the best thing, I can take a 10,20 bills out of my wallet but putting them back in there that's harder and that's what Stephanie helps me out with but other than that she lets me go look around and it makes me feel good about myself and I like it. My life isn't easy but God helps me and I am pretty outgoing for being this disabled and I like it. When I go do things myself it makes me feel good about myself. I read 66 pages in my book today, it's about this woman who got a divorce and now she's moving with her two sons and they need to find new friends. Their dad drinks, and it reminds me of Dale. It's amazing how much I can read in a day, sometimes I can read 100 pages or 60. I always want to read more but my brain can't handle it or it's the other way around and I don't know how to shut it up! I love to read, it gets my mind focused on other things I go through so much in a day. As I said before if it wasn't for God I don't know where I would be, he helps me allot.   

Mikeschair
Someone worth dying for

You might be the wife, waiting up at night
You might be the man, struggling to provide
Feeling like it's hopeless
Maybe you're the son, who chose a broken road
Maybe you're the girl, thinking you'll end up alone
Praying God can you hear me?
Oh God are you listening?

Am I more than flesh and bone?
Am I really something beautiful?
Yeah I wanna believe, I wanna believe that
I'm not just some wandering soul
That you don't see and you don't know
Yeah I wanna believe, Jesus help me believe that I
Am someone worth dying for

I know you’ve heard the truth that God has set you free
But you think you're the one that grace could never reach
So you just keep asking, oh what everybody's asking

Am I more than flesh and bone?
Am I really something beautiful?
Yeah I wanna believe, I wanna believe that

I'm not just some wandering soul
That you don't see and you don't know
Yeah I wanna believe, Jesus help me believe that I
Am someone worth dying for


You're worth it, you can’t earn it
yeah the cross has proven
That you're sacred and blameless
Your life has purpose

**You are more than flesh and bone
Can't you see you're something beautiful
Yeah you gotta believe, you gotta believe
He wants you to see, He wants you to see
That you're not just some wandering soul
That can't be seen and can't be known
Yeah you gotta believe, you gotta believe that you
Are someone worth dying for

You're someone worth dying for
You're someone worth dying for