more seizures today!

I see all my friends from MHS and they all have lives and have graduated from college, I really wish that public school wouldn't have taken me out of MHS because I could have graduated college and been out of this house and not be stuck in Fitchburg. No one needs me here every one has their own life and I know once seven hills or another day program hires me than Stephanie will be find another job, but I need to volunteer to make me feel good about myself and I can't always stay here there is nothing to do here. I am also hoping that I can get into shared living soon, my mom doesn't spend any time with me she's always watching tv or talking on the phone. I really wish that she would get the hospital bed, this one isn't comfortable and I can't turn or fix myself and in a hospital bed it would make it easier on both of us but she doesn't want to make it easier on us and its frustrating. At MHS I had allot of fun, I played basketball, I did track but doing all those messed up my back. I remember going back there because my new manual chair was ready and when I went back there I didn't want to leave. The whole year at FHS was a waste of my time I didn't learn anything. Ellen my therapist that I see once a week, she had a disabled girl and her mom asked her would she know of a better school? and Ellen said "yes, my other client went to Mass Hospital School they taught her how to live and you should send your daughter there" and the mom did. A month ago I was in Wal-mart and I saw this mom and she asked me "how did you become that independent?" I said "send him to MHS" they taught me allot of good and the memories will last me a life time
I cannot wait to move out of this house and away from all this stress that goes on here! As I said before there is no love and there is allot of tension here too and I hate it. I can't wait to move out and start to live and not be stuck here, I don't mind working on my quotes and bible verses but I always am doing it alone. Yesterday when Stephanie and I came home my mom said "I need to go buy something for my new bike" I was very tempted to say "you had all day to do it", she'll do that right when I come home she'll go out and that proves to me that she doesn't need or want me and it's not a good feeling. When I come home from church or some where Lacy is the only one who is excited to see me and my mom and Jorma kind of ignore me but Lacy goes nuts and her tail wags and she gets so happy to see me and it's so cute. I really do love her, she'll sleep with me and when Stephanie or my mom gets me out of bed she needs to watch them to make sure that they are doing their jobs right and it's cute and I love her. She is the one who got me off my anti depressants and she is the one who got me to accept my colostomy and when I move out she needs to come with me now that I know what Jorma really does to her and it's not good what he does to her. Lately she's been different and I honestly think when I'm not here he must do something to her where my mom can't see, but God can see everything he can see the way he really treats me. He is my witness and even though my sisters don't believe me how rude he is God knows and I am thankful that God can see it :)
I honestly think these seizures come from stress between dealing with my mom, right now she's talking on the phone. I really wish that she would give me more of her time but she doesn't. I am hoping that dds can find me some where soon, my dds worker is on vacation until next week. I meet with her and Ellen and I cannot wait to move out of here there is no love here. I am hoping that the seizures will leave as well because one minute I know what I am doing and the next minute I don't and when Stephanie's not here no one is here to break them and when Stephanie is here she keeps saying my name until I respond to her. My mom would rather talk on the phone or do something else than talk with me and I am sick of sitting in my room every night alone she doesn't believe me when I get the seizures but she's never around me enough to see them happen or help me out of them and I wish that she would give me more of her time but soon enough I will be gone and her and Jorma can live in sin and do whatever they want too and then they can move to Florida.
I hate how lately my body has been so much more spastic my legs hurt more and when my leg is spasming my heal is digging in, my life gets pretty frustrating. But as I said before God pulls me through my days even when the pain is so high he always is able to calm me down and distract me so that's a good thing. I am very thankful for him without him I would probably be getting drunk and doing all this bad things that I use too but since August 2008 I quit all that and he's slowly working on me. No one is perfect expect for him but I really want him to send me a Christian boyfriend who can help me when I get these spasms and this pain, when Chris was in my life he use to distract me he would call me or im me and I want a boyfriend who can help me with my spasms and pain. My pain has gotten worse so next month I am going to ask the doctor to please give me botox in my legs and my back. When I was at MHS I over did the sports and ever the sports but I was mad at the cancer so I took it off on the sports but when I over did the sports I hurt my body and now I wish I would have listened to the doctors and every one but it's to late for now. But I hate when my body spasms and I have seizure's those two really stress me out