Umass tomorrow and then going to see my friend Kayley

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.John 10:10

 Yesterday as my mom was putting me in bed she was telling me "you can go for your shower now, it's fixed" but I went on Saturday. If she wants the showers done so bad she's going to do them, Steph does way to many of them so from now on I'm putting her to work since she's also my pca. If she doesn't want to do them then I'll find another pca to help Steph out, my mom does the easy things such as putting me to bed. I miss when I didn't have all these problems, it's getting so frustrating. I don't know what the heck is my moms attitude with me lately. Personally I think it's Jorma who is making her that way, she doesn't want to spend time with me she'll take me out sometimes but not every day. I'm burnt out by my mom and Jorma too, if it wasn't for God I don't know where I'd be. Dawn and I were talking about it yesterday how God can change a life, such as ours. On Sunday when the pastor was talking about adultery and how living in sin is wrong I got goose bumps because I have to live with Jorma and it's not easy living here at all. He is moody then he puts my mom in a bad mood, he doesn't want her to spend anytime with me. I know after awhile Steph is going to quit because my mom doesn't want to do my showers, she did on Saturday but she said that Steph should have done it on Friday. My mom doesn't understand taking the colostomy off my skin that hurts allot, it's like taking off a huge band aide and it's really uncomfortable. If Steph does quit then she needs to tell my mom and Maiju why she did because I know if I tell them they'll think I fired her.

Forget past mistakes. Forget failures. Forget everything except what you’re going to do now and do it
Tomorrow is my botox evaluation, after that I'm going to see my friend Kayley. She goes to Worcester state university, she lost her mom when she was 16 and she's always willing to help me at church. My appointment at umass is at 9:40 so Steph will be here at 7 in the morning and we need to leave my house pretty early, it takes a half hour to get to Worcester. I'm taking my laptop and my puzzle book Steph is taking her music, and bible. 
When I go for my botox evaluation I am going to see if I can make an appointment with my neurologist because I'm sick of the seizures. I want her to put me on a trial medication to see if that would take them away. My mom doesn't believe that I have them but Steph has seen them happen to me so many times, she always needs to say my name a few times to get me back from being zoned out. I started having them after I fractured my spine 4 years ago when I went skiing, I had fun doing it but the things that I now go through aren't fun at all. I will have fun seeing Kayley, I know that she'll tell Steph "we catch your boss scratching but we smack her" Steph will probably say "good for you". I will be gone for more than 12 hours too, I will help out at the church and then I want to go to the Leominster Library and get more books. Tonight I read 105 pages, my brain never shuts up but my mom said that I've always liked to read. My niece Aniika loves to read too, she's a younger version of me . I am going to show the doctor my heel how it gets very black and it's always hurting me too, I get so frustrated with my body and I can't go to my mom and tell her how I'm feeling because she will tell me that I'm complain. But that's why I blog because I go through so much during my days and my mom doesn't have the patience to listen to me. Steph, Dawn, Dale and people at church they are willing to listen to me and their patience with me unlike my family who isn't patience with me.
Next week I have the oral surgery, it seems like I live in hospitals all the time. It's not easy being me, but after I became born again I found out why God allowed the disabilities to happen to me. It's to save people, and to get disabled people out of public school. I was telling my mom that Steph should do the over night and it would be easier for Steph she could give my shower and get me in bed and then get me out of bed. My mom didn't like the idea, I wish I could have another pca who liked doing crafts such as Beth. When Dale and Siira were working with me I had Suvi and my mom too. I'd rather do my showers at nights, but my mom doesn't want anyone here at nights. I have so many appointments next month, I don't mind going to the therapy sessions they help me. Ellen did find me another therapist until she comes back, I go through allot more than my sisters do. I miss when I didn't live in hospitals and all these appointments they get really annoying after awhile. But God chose me to be disabled because he knew that I wouldn't give up. Suvi's wedding was the hardest, because all my sisters are married except for me and I wish I could find a boyfriend soon. I need something different, I am always at doctors appointments and I live in pain and spasm, my mom doesn't do anything with me she watches her shows talks to my sisters and my aunts and Jorma always needs her. I don't fit into this family anymore, I can't tell any of them how I am feeling because they don't understand but that's where Dawn comes in she understands. I am so glad that I met her 6 years ago at hemlocks. Last night we were saying that Bryan is going to tell me next "I have MD, and I have reigers syndrome" even Steph said the same thing that he's going to tell me all these lies. I bet Chris thinks of me when he can't sleep at nights, we use to talk on AIM or the phone. I wish my town had a disability support group, but when I asked Ellen if there were any she said that there wasn't.
Hold On
Abandon
She sits alone and wonders
When is the end of broken dreams
This isn't what I pictured
She says as tears run down her cheeks
She needs a friend beside her
She's looking for a Savior

(Chorus)
Hold on, hold on, someone will find you
Hold on, hold on, somebody loves you
Hold on, hold on, your not drowning this time
Hold on, hold on, look for the searchlights

She grabs her coat to leave
So sure it's gonna be the end
Another broken family
Tears are her only friends
This isn't the life they wanted
She's hoping that Heaven comes through

Does anybody care and do you even see
Look past my skin until you see me
Do you even know what I'm going through
I need to talk to someone can I talk to you
Does anybody care and do you even see
I'm running out of hope and sanity
Do you even know what I'm going through
I'm having a hard time facing the truth
Does anybody care