Goodnight

I went to the botox doctor today and she was telling Steph that I need to eat healthier and no more pizza or things like that. It's frustrating because I get sick of eating turkey all the time and now I won't be able to eat the things that I want too. I wasn't able to go see Kayley because Steph didn't want to wait until 2 so we left. On the way back from umass I was quiet because it upset me that I can't eat things anymore. Steph is so busy planning her wedding that I'm really not important to her. This morning when my mom was getting me out of bed and she hurt me and I said "ouch" she said "ouch ouch" like she was making fun of me.
So I come home and my mom asks me "did you go see your friend Kayley?" I said "no, because Steph didn't want to wait that long so I went to the Leominster library while Steph is getting things done for wedding". After my mom gets me all set she goes upstairs with Jorma. I was telling Kayley and she said that I need to tell my mom how I am feeling, she had all day to herself and with Jorma but she can never give me an hour. Jorma always needs her he can't go to umass himself because he always needs her. At least Lacy misses me, she always checks up on me to see how I'm doing and it is a good feeling that she needs me unlike my mom, Steph, and my sisters.
I wish I had a rewind button to when my life wasn't this hard, and Jorma wasn't in the picture. He doesn't like how my mom spends time with me, he wants her all to himself. I also miss when my body didn't cause me this much pain either, when I was in my manual chair I could get into bed when ever I wanted too but now I always have to wait and it's not easy being me at all. My back is always hot or my heels are always hurting and I live in hospitals. Next month I have so many appointments it gets very stressful, I feel like I can never live and I'm always going to doctor's appointments and all these other appointments. My mom can even tell that I'm getting weaker, the spasms are increasing my vision is going and the pain is getting worse also. Today when I went to the botox evaluation she told me that she needs to do something stronger than botox, she went to unstrap my feet and I almost came out of my chair too. When I went to get my baclofen pump filled the doctor wanted to see how spastic I was so she unbuckled my feet and I had a huge spasm. Steph was supposed to show Kayley how to reposition me and how to break a spasm but she didn't want to wait until her classes were over so I had to come back. Steph is so focused on getting married that she always rushes out of here to get her things done, it gets stressful too because I would like if she worked until 3 but she always leaves at 2:50 but she's supposed to be here until 3 but oh well it's her money.
Tomorrow I need to remember to call my dds worker I want to ask her if she was able to get me the volunteer job that I really want. I miss helping out lower functional disabled people it made me feel better about myself and I would forget about my problems. I am so glad that my dad was able to teach me the lessons that he did, he did everything even though he had stage 3 colon cancer.It's time to start raising money for his relay for life, he needs one night the lessons that he taught me. If I wouldn't have not had him as my dad who was able to teach me these things I wouldn't want to volunteer or go back to school to become a social worker and keep kids at MHS. Public school they don't teach much of anything they only teach the basics such as money skills and social skills. But at MHS they taught us lessons that would help us, and not to depend on our pcas. Steph's mom got be the little drink packets that I'm able to fill the bottles myself. I want to become a social worker so that I can go into public schools and make sure that they are treating people with disabilities the right way. Sammy she passed the mcass and she didn't get her high school diploma. I don't like to see parents who have disabled kids baby them such as Sammy, she's always with her mom and she'll never know how to live. I go every where myself, and I know my family doesn't like how I take my headphones with me when I go to the library or barns and noble. But God wouldn't leave me right at my house I always pray that he'll keep me safe and he always does. I need to do that and get out of here, I am hoping that I'll get a boyfriend before relay for life. I know that my mom won't like if he's here so I'll go out with him, a few weeks ago I wanted Lauren and Steph to come watch a movie with me but my mom said that I couldn't. I need some human interaction and that's why I want to get a volunteer job, Steph is getting married July 21st and she'll probably start having kids after that. So if I can find a volunteer job now it will be ready by the time she's married. The arc won't hire me back, and I wish they would but God probably has something better in store for me. I know when I go back to school my mom wants me to take all these easy classes but that's not my goal I've been through the easy classes at FHS so I am going to go after my dreams and I'm not letting anyone stop me!
Until the whole world hears
Casting Crowns
Lord, I want to feel with Your heart

See the world through Your eyes
I want to be Your hands and feet
I want to live a life that leads


Ready yourselves, ready yourselves
Let us shine the light of Jesus in the darkest night
Ready yourselves, ready yourselves
May the powers of darkness tremble as our praises rise


Until the whole world hears, Lord, we are calling out
Lifting up Your name for all to hear the sound
Like voices in the wilderness we're crying out
And as the day draws near, we'll sing until the whole world hears


Lord, let Your sleeping giant rise
Catch the demons by surprise
Holy nations sanctify
Let this be our battle cry


Ready yourselves, ready yourselves
Let us shine the light of Jesus in the darkest night
Ready yourselves, ready yourselves
May the powers of darkness tremble as our praises rise


Woah, woah, sing until the whole world hears
Woah, woah, sing until the whole world hears

I want to be Your hands and feet
I want to live a life that leads
To see You set the captive free
Until the whole world hears
And I pray the day will see
More of You and less of me
Lord, I want my life to be
The song You sing