I've got a busy day tomorrow :)

I wish that I had the guts to let Steph go, she doesn't want to be seem here anymore. Yesterday when I couldn't go see Kayley it upset me, I really wanted her to show how to reposition me and how to break a spasm. I will take Dale's advise and hire a older one who is married and who has their life together, I really hope that Ann my dds worker can meet with me today because I want to volunteer or get a job. My mom wants me to go work at Market Basket but I'd get bored there, she said that it would be good for me. Last week she told me that I need to go in a day program. It's kind of like when I'm here she doesn't want me, yet when I'm gone she wants me. It gets so confusing, like I've said before if it wasn't for my colostomy then I would be in a day program so thank GOD he let my colostomy happen when it did. This day program that they wanted me to go to had all low functional disabled people, I don't mind helping them but I wouldn't sit in one I would get bored. Same as when I went to FHS I got bored there too I had all these easy classes and I really didn't learn anything from there, I fell asleep in all the classes they were to easy for me. That's why I need to go back to school and become a social worker and keep people like myself at MHS and make sure that they are getting the right education that they need and not all these easy classes.
I miss when my life wasn't boring, Steph is busy planning her wedding my mom is always with Jorma and I spend way to much time alone and it hurts allot. The last 4 days my mom has been spending so much time upstairs, I need the courage to tell her how I am feeling but I know that Jorma would make fun of me. The tears are coming down my face right now, Steph left early to get her wedding invitations my mom is watch TV.
Today when the nurse came to change my foley catheter she kept asking me "where's your mom?" I said "I'm my own guardian" she treated me like I was a low functional disabled person and its sad how the world only looks at people's disabilities and not to see the real people behind our chairs. Once I was getting my baclofen pump filled and the CNA asked me "are you in a day program? my friend goes to one" I said to her "no". Just because I'm disabled it doesn't mean that I am not smart, I read allot and I do these fill in puzzles. I wrote on my facebook wall that I'm sick of doing the same thing every night and day, Dawn said "wait until you get into shared living then you will have something new to look forward too" my sister Miia put "Yes you need to take Dawn's advise it's not good that you sit in the room night after night". I wish my mom would interact with me more but she's so busy with her life that she really doesn't have time for me. The nurse called me back and said "do you want me to tell your mom what I just told you?" I said "no, I can" Steph did even like her the way she talked to me we didn't like that all. My legs they don't work but everything else, when I went to FHS and they put me in life skills I didn't like that class at all. I got so bored in there too. I don't want that to keep happening to disabled people that they put people like myself in day programs. I didn't like how the nurse talked down to me, it made me want to smack her too.
Tomorrow night I am going to a Christian concert at my church its for the youth group but anyone can go. I am excited, I can drive down there myself. I like going out on weekends it helps me forget about my disabilities, all the ushers they all call me speedy or trouble. Last Saturday when I went to crossroads everyone was teasing me, and they were telling me "you need a speeding ticket". Jay the main usher he was taking my joy stick and driving me around in a circle, crossroads and horizon they love to tease and joke around with me. I never thought that I would be going to a Christian concert or have bible verses on my walls. Like I've said before I never liked church before it was boring to me. Christmas 2011 when my nephew Jeff said "we have to go to that boring church and I laughed. My brother in law Bret, Maiju, Suvi and my mom didn't think that was funny but I thought it was. I think that I am meeting with my therapist tomorrow and if I am I am going to ask her if she knows of any day programs are needing new staff. I want to earn some money, I know my mom wants me  working at market basket but that's not what I want to do. I want to help disabled people out and help them out. My dds worker is out until next week but when she comes back I want to ask her if she could help me get back to college and I want to become a social worker. I know that my mom wants me to take easy classes she has no confidence in me and it's sad too. I now know where she wants me at day program but I'd get bored. I like having a busy Friday night I get to interact with people. Miia wrote on my facebook wall "you're a people person" I am glad that she sees me not liking being this room all the time. My mom would rather sit and watch her shows or go walking with Jorma. I need more human interaction, where my mom doesn't want to give it to me I'll go some where else and get it. Jorma doesn't like how I'm here, 3 years ago when I moved back here he wouldn't talk or look at me. But when I go out I am not focused on my mom or my disabilities I need to get out and live just like she does, every Friday night my mom and Jorma go out with their friends so I need to go out too I spend way to much time in my room so it is nice to get out of my house
Overcoming
Kutless
Some say it's crazy
That you'd stay here by my side
I don't want to spend a day
Without you in my life
Maybe I'm a dreamer
And it seems that I'm lost within my mind
Searching for the moment dreams and destiny collide
I just need you to love me

I can't stop you from overcoming me
It's brought me to my knees
I don't want you letting go of me
I'm standing in the pouring rain
I can't believe you'd do the same
I can't stop you from overcoming me

I am not deserving
Of the way you see me in your eyes
You take me for who I am
I guess I wonder why
Maybe reassuring
Is all I can do in the meantime
And none of this can change the fact that lately
I've needed you around
I just need you to love me

I can't stop you from overcoming me
It's brought me to my knees
I don't want you letting go of me
I'm standing in the pouring rain
I can't believe you'd do the same
I can't stop you from overcoming me

I can't stop you from overcoming me
It's brought me to my knees
I don't want you letting go of me
I'm standing in the pouring rain
I can't believe you'd do the same
I can't stop you from overcoming me