Oh my goodness did I sleep good! Jorma came down at 7:50 to make coffee then I herd him and my mom watch some Finnish show and their computer is above my room and I probably would have slept until 8:30. I miss when it was just my mom and I all last week we slept late but last Friday when he came back he was awake at 7:50. It gets very annoying too, yesterday before Steph & I left my mom found out that I wasn't having the oral surgery and she got bent out of shape. It seems to me like that's all she cares about. August 2011 I was supposed to go but I canceled that appointment because my mom and Maiju did it behind my back. But they've done allot of things behind my back, they've called Ellen and they've talked about me. Four years ago when I ended up in the hospital Maiju told my former pca Jenny that I was in the hospital I didn't like that. Two years ago when they read my blog they didn't like me telling people about their problems. All I really talk about is Jorma, mom, dad, my sisters, Steph and how my day is going. I need to get it out somehow, I can't always hold my problems in. But I wish that Jorma would find his own place, if he can afford his own van & the insurance on it then he can afford his own place. Today Lacy is going to bring Grandma Mary a card, blue berry muffins and Mary will love that. I will have to bring my camera, I know that Lacy will go nuts when she sees Mary's street and when we let her out of the van she'll go crazy. I will take a video and post it on here, Lacy and Mary are very cute together and they love each other allot. Lacy is a gift from God, yesterday when I came home she was so happy I love Lacy allot.
Lacy wasn't able to go see Mary, so I did my puzzle book until my doctors appointment. When Steph and I came home, my mom and Jorma went for a walk with Lacy. They always leave when I come home, I feel really unwanted and useless here. Steph is getting married July 21st, so she's focused on the wedding. Last night when I was out with her until 8 I enjoyed it, I called Ann my dds worker and I asked her if the day program could have me there on Tuesday's and Thursday's to get out of the house, I do know that Steph will leave but I have Beth who is willing to work with me. I need something different, I want to feel good about myself and going to help out at a day program it really would help me. Lacy would miss me for sure, she loves me and I love her too. I wish my seizures would leave, after I get them I get a bad taste in my mouth. My life isn't easy at all, between my mom spending time watching her shows. But I really think that the more disabled or if someone has more challenges in their lives it makes them a stronger person just like my dad how he had stage 3 colon cancer but he never gave up. Relay for life is June 8 or 9th, I won't be asking Maiju or Suvi to donate because I know they wouldn't. Maiju told Steph in July that Jorma is better for my mom. I wish I could show Maiju how he really is, he shows one face to the world and another face to my mom and I.
I wish that my pain and spasms and seizures would go away, they frustrate me allot. Today I had 3 seizures, allot of pain, and spasms. It gets very annoying, but I am a strong girl because of them. My sisters wouldn't be able to handle what I go through on a daily basis. I am getting a botox evaluation on April 25th and I am hoping she can do the botox soon, I hate being all this pain all the time. It gets annoying, and having seizures too at times I wish I had a rewind or a fast forward button. A rewind button to when Jorma wasn't here, and a fast forward button to be out of here. I hate when my body is causing me all these problems it gets annoying too. I want to tell my body "can I have one break?", right now my right heal is digging into the foot plate and my left hip is digging into the arm rest. This afternoon when Steph and I came home after 10 minutes my mom and him went to bring Lacy for a walk. I knew if I would have asked them if I could go with them they would have said "no". Last year after my eye doctor's appointment I asked them "can I come with you?" and they both said "no". It makes feel really unwanted, when I am sitting in my room with no human interaction that's when the spasms and pain and the seizures come more. But when I am with someone either at church or with Steph the pain and spasms they don't happen that often. My mom is always busy watching her shows or doing something else, and the phone is always ringing and she's so tired. I always need to keep my phone on vibrate after 8:30 because the noise bothers me, I can only have one light on in my room too. My body causes me more pain and spasm after 9, but I wish that I didn't have the seizures and the doctor's can't seem to catch them and I wish they would be able to catch them it gets annoying too. My body freezes for a second or two, but when I have someone with me or I am at church and not in this stressful house they aren't bad.
Tomorrow is going to be busy for me, I have to go to market basket because on Sunday Maiju and I are going to have an Easter egg hunt for my nieces Hailey and Ella. Steph and I need to bring Mary her Easter present. I am hoping that Ann my dds worker will call me back, I want to go to the other day program in Leominster and if they give me a set schedule that I could go help out even Monday-Thursday. I need and I want something different, doing the same thing every day that gets boring. So if I could volunteer there from 10 am to 2 that would be great. Beth is willing to be my pca, and I can have her come after 3, I know my mom wouldn't like it but she would just need to deal with it. This weekend is going to be busy, I need to get more colorful paper when I do my quotes and bible verses. I am hoping that my church will have their Easter service there. Steph was saying how there is a guy who will be there helping out and I want a boyfriend I've been single for way to long and I'm sick of being single, it gets boring. I need some change. The other day on Bryan's facebook page he wrote I am sick of being single, Dustin who I graduated with he was so rude to Bryan. The stuff that people say to one another isn't nice at all, I am glad that I'm not like that. I've always had boyfriends who live far away and I hate having them so far away I want one that I can see more often. Yesterday when I was out with Steph until 8 it felt nice to be with someone, when I go to barns and noble my mom won't come with me. When I had Siira she use to come in with me so would Dale. I want a good boyfriend who isn't looking for sex, Chris was different when I first started dating him. December 2009 I told him "I'm in pain" so he told his pca "she can lay in bed with me". Dale told me that my sisters didn't like me laying in bed with him but we didn't do anything. Maiju has a problem of me laying in bed but when it comes to my mom and Jorma she's fine with them two in bed. I really want that volunteer job, I know that I will lose Steph but she's so occupied with her wedding.
Search My Heart
Hillsong
Search my heart and search my soul.
There's nothing else that I want more.
Shine Your light and show Your face.
In my life Lord have Your way.
Hear my cry and hear my prayer.
Draw me close I know You're near.
Give me strength and give me grace.
To walk with You Lord all my days.
So with all my heart and all my soul.
With all I am. Lord I will follow You.
You took the cross.
You took my shame.
Restored my life.
Now I live to worship You.
And with all my heart and all my soul.
With all I am.
Lord I will follow You.
You took the cross.
You took my shame.
Restored my life.
Lord I live to worship you.
Search my heart and search my soul.
There's nothing else that I want more.
Oh, without You I am nothing.
Search my heart and search my soul.
Lacy wasn't able to go see Mary, so I did my puzzle book until my doctors appointment. When Steph and I came home, my mom and Jorma went for a walk with Lacy. They always leave when I come home, I feel really unwanted and useless here. Steph is getting married July 21st, so she's focused on the wedding. Last night when I was out with her until 8 I enjoyed it, I called Ann my dds worker and I asked her if the day program could have me there on Tuesday's and Thursday's to get out of the house, I do know that Steph will leave but I have Beth who is willing to work with me. I need something different, I want to feel good about myself and going to help out at a day program it really would help me. Lacy would miss me for sure, she loves me and I love her too. I wish my seizures would leave, after I get them I get a bad taste in my mouth. My life isn't easy at all, between my mom spending time watching her shows. But I really think that the more disabled or if someone has more challenges in their lives it makes them a stronger person just like my dad how he had stage 3 colon cancer but he never gave up. Relay for life is June 8 or 9th, I won't be asking Maiju or Suvi to donate because I know they wouldn't. Maiju told Steph in July that Jorma is better for my mom. I wish I could show Maiju how he really is, he shows one face to the world and another face to my mom and I.
I wish that my pain and spasms and seizures would go away, they frustrate me allot. Today I had 3 seizures, allot of pain, and spasms. It gets very annoying, but I am a strong girl because of them. My sisters wouldn't be able to handle what I go through on a daily basis. I am getting a botox evaluation on April 25th and I am hoping she can do the botox soon, I hate being all this pain all the time. It gets annoying, and having seizures too at times I wish I had a rewind or a fast forward button. A rewind button to when Jorma wasn't here, and a fast forward button to be out of here. I hate when my body is causing me all these problems it gets annoying too. I want to tell my body "can I have one break?", right now my right heal is digging into the foot plate and my left hip is digging into the arm rest. This afternoon when Steph and I came home after 10 minutes my mom and him went to bring Lacy for a walk. I knew if I would have asked them if I could go with them they would have said "no". Last year after my eye doctor's appointment I asked them "can I come with you?" and they both said "no". It makes feel really unwanted, when I am sitting in my room with no human interaction that's when the spasms and pain and the seizures come more. But when I am with someone either at church or with Steph the pain and spasms they don't happen that often. My mom is always busy watching her shows or doing something else, and the phone is always ringing and she's so tired. I always need to keep my phone on vibrate after 8:30 because the noise bothers me, I can only have one light on in my room too. My body causes me more pain and spasm after 9, but I wish that I didn't have the seizures and the doctor's can't seem to catch them and I wish they would be able to catch them it gets annoying too. My body freezes for a second or two, but when I have someone with me or I am at church and not in this stressful house they aren't bad.
Tomorrow is going to be busy for me, I have to go to market basket because on Sunday Maiju and I are going to have an Easter egg hunt for my nieces Hailey and Ella. Steph and I need to bring Mary her Easter present. I am hoping that Ann my dds worker will call me back, I want to go to the other day program in Leominster and if they give me a set schedule that I could go help out even Monday-Thursday. I need and I want something different, doing the same thing every day that gets boring. So if I could volunteer there from 10 am to 2 that would be great. Beth is willing to be my pca, and I can have her come after 3, I know my mom wouldn't like it but she would just need to deal with it. This weekend is going to be busy, I need to get more colorful paper when I do my quotes and bible verses. I am hoping that my church will have their Easter service there. Steph was saying how there is a guy who will be there helping out and I want a boyfriend I've been single for way to long and I'm sick of being single, it gets boring. I need some change. The other day on Bryan's facebook page he wrote I am sick of being single, Dustin who I graduated with he was so rude to Bryan. The stuff that people say to one another isn't nice at all, I am glad that I'm not like that. I've always had boyfriends who live far away and I hate having them so far away I want one that I can see more often. Yesterday when I was out with Steph until 8 it felt nice to be with someone, when I go to barns and noble my mom won't come with me. When I had Siira she use to come in with me so would Dale. I want a good boyfriend who isn't looking for sex, Chris was different when I first started dating him. December 2009 I told him "I'm in pain" so he told his pca "she can lay in bed with me". Dale told me that my sisters didn't like me laying in bed with him but we didn't do anything. Maiju has a problem of me laying in bed but when it comes to my mom and Jorma she's fine with them two in bed. I really want that volunteer job, I know that I will lose Steph but she's so occupied with her wedding.
Search My Heart
Hillsong
Search my heart and search my soul.
There's nothing else that I want more.
Shine Your light and show Your face.
In my life Lord have Your way.
Hear my cry and hear my prayer.
Draw me close I know You're near.
Give me strength and give me grace.
To walk with You Lord all my days.
So with all my heart and all my soul.
With all I am. Lord I will follow You.
You took the cross.
You took my shame.
Restored my life.
Now I live to worship You.
And with all my heart and all my soul.
With all I am.
Lord I will follow You.
You took the cross.
You took my shame.
Restored my life.
Lord I live to worship you.
Search my heart and search my soul.
There's nothing else that I want more.
Oh, without You I am nothing.
Search my heart and search my soul.
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