Saturday & Sunday post

I really need to move into a Christian based home, my mom and Jorma they don't want to get married and there really isn't that much happiness here either. My mom only uses me for the money to put me in bed and get me out when Steph is late or on Sunday's she really doesn't do much with me. I really don't mind being disabled I wish that my mom would want to do more with me, today I am going to church and I know that she doesn't like when I take my iPod. I'm burnt out by her and Jorma, I told Steph that I can't live here anymore I've done it for so many years that I really can't handle it anymore. Tomorrow I'm calling Ann my dds worker and asking her if she can please find me a Christian based shared living place, living here is getting way to stressful. Thank God that I can blog and get out my frustrations, since my mom doesn't want to listen to me Jorma and her both tell me that I complain but I don't. I go through allot, between my body being in pain and spasming, seizures and my heels always hurting that's allot to handle for one person. But God chose me to be disabled because he knew that I could handle all these things where my sisters would have given up by now. Allot of people admire my strength and it does help when people tell me they admire it, it makes me feel a whole lot better about myself. When I go to church no one there sees my wheelchair or disabilities they see the real person and the funny and out going person.
So I went to church and they were teaching about sin, and I got goose bumps again. I have to live with Jorma and he's not a happy person. I got home late and my mom asked me "why did you come home late?" I said "because people wanted to talk to me". They care about me, when I come home there isn't much love here, but when I'm at church there is allot of love there and people want to know how I am doing. I wish my mom would care more about me, but she's busy with her life & Jorma. After the service was done, I went into the prayer room and I asked them to please pray that I will move into a Christian based shared living place. I'm burnt out by living here I don't have the energy to live here anymore. I know my church cares about me and my friends do even it's a nice feeling that my friends care about me. When I talk about my dad tears come to my eyes, I wish that he would have gotten the colostomy I miss him allot. Jorma spends time with his daughter and I wish I was needed by my mom, I'm so sick of being rejected by her, it hurts allot and it makes me want to be different.
My body is stressing me out, between the spasms, pain, and seizures. I miss when my life was easier, I need to move out I think that will get rid of my seizures. There is allot of stress that goes on here, between Jorma and I. I hate how I always live in pain, I wish I had a rewind button and I would put it to when I was at MHS and I wasn't this disabled. I was telling people at my church that Dawn said that I need to go back to school and become a social worker. I would go work for MHS and if public school wanted to take a disabled person out of MHS I would show the parents the before picture of myself when I was in my manual chair and I'd tell them what I could do before and now I'm full time pca. I miss being able to do things myself, but going to church it really helps me and it keeps me less focused off my disabilities and I forget about them so that's the good part. My spasms are getting worse and when I get the botox and phenol it will help. I hate living in pain and spasm, but the shots help me as much as I hate them they do help me allot. I like inspiring people and encouraging people to do their best and it takes my focus off myself and onto others so that's the good part. When I read and go out that also helps my spasms and pain, I've noticed when I am at church my seizures aren't there I think the reason why they come is because there is allot of stress here but at church there isn't any stress there and I'm not around Jorma or my mom.
I am glad that I can go to Dawn for advise, I call her my older sister. She understands what it's like to be disabled where my other sisters don't know what it's like. She encouraged me to go back to collage and become a social worker. We use to swear and drink but now that we're born again we quit doing that, she's helped me through so much. Next month I get to go see her and we hang out and go to target and have clean fun. I have so many phone calls to make tomorrow, since her and Steph both encouraged me to call my dds worker to get me out of here. This afternoon on the way home from church I had to charge my chair and she was about to call me and we talked. We want 20/20 to do a story on us, and show the world that just because we're in these wheelchairs it doesn't mean that we're slow. The world needs to see that we can be on our own, they need to follow us into a store and follow us through out the day. Like I've said before we use to drink and swear but now we gave our selves to the Lord and we don't do any of that bad stuff anymore. We joke around what we use to do, new years eve 2007 I went to her friends house and I went to the bar and I got drunk because I got lost in Florida and everyone got mad at me. But now we have no desire to drink. We got a good laugh how Bryan is always wanting me back and Justin use to go after her. Four years ago when everyone thought I tried to kill myself Dawn called me and asked me "did you try and kill yourself?" and I said "no" and she believed me. It is a good feeling that I have a friend who I can go too when no one in my family understands what it's like to be disabled. I want to move to Rhode Island and get out of Mass, especially my town. When I was coming home this afternoon my chair kept dying on the hill, I had my charger and I stopped at a neighbors house and they charged it for me and then walked me home. I know my mom wants to move back to Finland and I know Maiju wants to put me in a nursing home, so when I call Ann tomorrow I am going to ask her how long the waiting list for shared living is because it's getting way to stressful to live here.
Everlasting God
Jeremy Camp
Strength will rise
As we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our strong deliverer
You are the everlasting God

The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our strong deliverer
You are the everlasting God

The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won't grow weary

You're the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles