Summer is here :)

Yesterday at the concert I was telling someone that relay for life is June 8th, the hardest part for me is the slient lap they tell everyone "if you lost someone you love to cancer take a minute to remember them".  The sun always goes down when the silent lap is, I wish that Maiju & Suvi would do it with me but they don't even donate any money towards it. Last year Suvi said "I am going to Ella's pre school graduation" my mom and Jorma did relay for life in 2008 but after that they didn't. I am hoping that I'll have a boyfriend by then, to hug me after the silent lap. I was also telling the lady that last Monday I was in chocolate heaven my dad must have gotten a good laugh then, I wish my dad had gotten the colostomy the family wouldn't be this distance. Everyone is in groups and I'm the only one who isn't married & everyone is, I always ask Suvi & Maiju do they want to hang out? they only took me out for my birthday I wish they would do more with me but oh well it's their loss.

Steph and I took Lacy out today and it was hot out and the sun makes me so tired, around 11:45 we left and left Lacy at my moms so we could go out. We went to her house and everything was fine, until we left. Steph went to go wash her face and her mom said "you shouldn't keep the water on for that long". When we left she was fine from my house and she was happy but when we left her house she wasn't happy. It's not easy working with her, how her mom is always putting her down, the things that I go through aren't easy and I wish that I had a rewind button. On our way back from her house she wasn't happy, I wish that I could tell her mom "when you put your daughter down it puts allot of pressure on me because then I need to deal with it". We got to my house and when we did my mom let Lacy in and then my mom went back upstairs with Jorma, this morning they went for a walk and then they came back worked on the kitchen. I am burnt out by everyone, if it wasn't for God I would have given up by now so I am thankful that I have him. Now if I could only find a boyfriend who could take me out of the house and leave my chair at home. My mom doesn't need me she has Jorma to please. She signs a time sheet every two weeks but I wonder what she puts on it because she doesn't spend any time with me she watches her shows and talks on the phone. It makes me feel not needed and it's not a good feeling either. I know that summer is coming and her & Jorma they sit outside but the minute I go out there they come back inside. I want to move out of here, like I've said before I'm not needed. Steph is getting married on July 21st and I want to get a paid job and then have a pca come at nights, I know my mom won't like it but oh well. I need some human interaction I can't always stay in my room alone. It gets boring too she doesn't want to hang up quotes or bible verses she doesn't want to do laundry she has Steph do everything.

Today has been so hot outside, I kind of like it. It means that summer is coming! I like summer but then I don't, if it gets to hot out I can't go out right now I am typing this in front a fan. I'm so tired, the sun really makes me tired I wasn't in the sun too much but I sat outside and did my puzzles. While I was doing my puzzles this boy came by and I had Lacy right next to me and he said "she's so cute". Jorma was bringing up the fan from the basement and I opened the gate for him and he didn't say thank you, he gets so moody with me. He really needs Jesus, people without Jesus aren't happy people. I know when I wasn't a Christian I wasn't happy, but then I gave my heart to him and now I'm allot happier. The only time that I am unhappy is when my body is spasming or is causing me pain but other than that I'm happy. Jorma had to walk down stairs and I was filling my drinks and he walked down with no shirt on except for a pink towel and his boxers on and he gave me this really rude look too. I don't know what I do to him either and he's to immature to tell me what I did wrong. The weather is putting my mom in bad mood too because Lacy was on the couch and I herd her say "move" I feel bad for her when she treats her that way, Lacy was just getting comfortable but she can't.

Tomorrow night Steph and I are going to see October Baby it's based on a true story. Steph will come here later tomorrow and I know my mom won't like that because Steph didn't do my laundry but my mom is also my pca. I need to have fun too, I know I'll be shaking like a leaf at the end of the movie. Last year when we went to see Soul Surfer I was shaking and no medication helped me from stop shaking. I know we'll need to bring tissues because it's a sad movie but a good one, I like having late nights it makes me feel human and I need that. I know that I am human I just need to get out of the house I spend way to much time here and especially in my room. Steph says she doesn't know how I deal with sitting in my room every night, this morning when Steph came in I told her that there's a cute guy at my church and I'm to shy to ask his name. So Steph's cousin is going to my church and Steph is going to tell Jamie that when she sees me to go ask me who I like? and Jamie will go tell him that I like him and I know my face will turn red. That's what my dad would do if he was here, so now someone else needs to do his job for him. I am excited about going out at night it won't be boring tomorrow night for me I need something different than always sitting here and doing the same thing. My mom doesn't want to talk to me she'll talk to me when she's putting me in bed but that's it. I wish that she had more patience with me but she doesn't and it gets really stressful. Two weeks ago when I went out with Steph until 8 I had fun, I need to live too. I can't always sit in my room doing the same thing so it's going to be nice to get out of the house tomorrow night. The movie starts at 7:30 and ends probably around 9 and it's in Leominster the next town over so I probably won't get home until late but I don't mind I don't want to be stuck here there's nothing exciting going on here so I will get out for the night. I don't know how my mom will take it but I'll tell her that Steph will throw my laundry in on Wednesday and she'll do my shower before we leave for the movie and we'll be back at a decent hour. I wanted to go on Saturday her mom, and brothers and her dad were going but Steph already had plans and I'm usually sleeping by 11:30 unless Dawn calls me then I am up a little later than that. I use to stay awake until 1 or later in the mornings and now I can't, but that's okay it's better for me to go to sleep earlier. I have to wait a half hour before taking my medications before laying down I take allot at night, Dawn and I use to talk until who knows and when I was dating Bryan I was up all night with him too. 

Waiting Here for You
Christy Nockels

If faith can move the mountains
Let the mountains move
We come with expectation
Waiting here for You
I'm waiting here for You

You're the Lord of all creation
And still you know my heart
The Author of Salvation 
You've loved us from the start

(Chorus)
Waiting here for You
With our hands lifted high in praise
And it's You we adore
Singing Alleluia

You are everything You've promised
Your faithfulness is true
And we're desperate for Your presence
All we need is You

CHORUS

We will wait for You Lord
We will sing Alleluia
Singing Alleluia
Alleluia, singing alleluia, alleluia

CHORUS

Singing Alleluia
Singing Alleluia