I need to move out!

 Maiju and I got laugh how she hung up on Maiju how she got mad at Maiju. I know my mom is missing Jorma so that's why she's in a bad mood, she doesn't know how to do do anything with out him and it's sad. He must be lost without her too, them two do every thing together and if he has an appointment she goes with him and if she has an appointment he goes with her. It gets very stressful living here between my mom and Jorma, I need to moveout. I know when he comes back then everything will change and at nights I will have to have my door shut a little because I don't want to see him walk around in boxers it creeps me out. I emailed Miia and Maiju and told them on Monday there was milk that had chunks in it and I said how Steph needs to clean out the fridge and both of them said "good idea" my mom doesn't like to throw away anything. I threw away tooth paste and she took it out of the trash and Steph and I laughed, she saves so many things the fridge isn't a safe place for anyone to go into!

I cannot wait to get the botox my legs are so tight and it gets so frustrating, I was telling the doctor that my mom doesn't like me taking the stronger pain pill. But she's not the one living in this pain that I live in, I would rather sleep good at nights than to wake up so many times. My pain and spasms increase more around 9pm and before the baclofen pump it was worse. I am hoping the doctor can get me a better power chair she wants a tilt and recline chair. My friend Sammy she has a tilt and recline chair and I want and need a better foot plate, the one I have now it's not comfortable and when my leg spasms it falls off the foot plate and it hurts my hip. I am supposed to wear this thing on my heel to protect it from getting skin break down but when my foot is always falling off the foot plate it hurts my hip, the foot thing weighs allot and I don't want it to pull my hip out of my socket.  I want them to put a foot box so that my feet they don't fall off the foot plate, my tone and spasms they hurt and I am hoping that the botox will help me get rid of the spasms, I hate when I get the spasms it gets pretty stressful but the botox did help in the past so pray it works again!

I was asking my mom if I could go to barns and noble tomorrow night and she said "I can leave you there on Saturday", but I like to go out on a Friday night. I am in the house every night and she doesn't interact with me she would rather talk on the phone, watch TV. But I need to live too I am 28 years old and I'm not a baby and I can't stay in the house every night. If she sat in my room that would be different but she doesn't and I am the one who suffers from it and it's not fair. I almost said to her "I need to live and I can't always sit in the house every night and do the same thing". I get bored and winter is coming and I won't be going out at nights and she'll love that because then she doesn't need to pick me up. It gets very stressful with living here, at times I want to say "I am 28 and I need to live just like everyone else does and I can't stay in this house every night". I wish she would come talk with me but she doesn't have the patience and I'm the one who needs to suffer and that's not fair for me. I try so hard at life and only a few people see it and I wish that my mom would understand that I can't stay in the house every night it gets boring and when the snow comes I'll be even more stuck. My church has these focus groups but I can't get in their houses so I get stuck here in the winter and she's always on the phone or watching one of her shows. I don't have the energy to live here anymore it would be different if my mom wanted to talk with me, but she doesn't like drive my van and she depends on Jorma way to much and it's sad how she can't do anything without him and she needs him all the time.

It's crazy how time flies, how tomorrow is Friday and it's been 12 years that my dad's been gone, 7 years that I got this colostomy. Today Steph went to look at a new car and while she was there a girl who is Suvi's age (26) she said "I went to school with your sister" and I was telling her that I got a Christian movie director to do a movie about my life and how I am going to decade the move to my dad. He taught me how to live and I am so thankful for him, I go every where myself and even with these seizure's I'm not scared to go anywhere because I know that God wouldn't let anything happen to me. I was also telling her that I am going to put a special thanks to my friends who got my high school diploma when FHS didn't want to give it to me they said that I would never get any where in life. But my friends got it for me and I am so thankful they did, yes I am disabled but I am smart. Tonight I read 80 pages the book is called Divine by Karen Kingsbury I don't want to write about it in case someone wants to read it. I started the book on Monday and that's another reason why I want to go to barns and noble to read it in peace my mom always has the tv on or is on the phone and it gets annoying. When I go to barns and noble I always find a nice and quiet place and I talk to people. I like to go there and get out of this house. But when I was telling the girl that I'm going to put my friends in the movie who got my high school diploma for me when I saw Shawn & Dave and told them that I am going to put them in the movie they said "thank you" I said "no thank you, you guys need allot of credit for helping me out the way you did" and they smile.