I can't wait to go back to school, I need to stick up for disabled people. Sammy & Alycia they don't have their high school diploma's and when I was talking to Sammy's mom she ignored me. My friends got my diploma FHS didn't want to give it to me but my friends got it for me and I am so glad they did. The classes they start at Monty Tech end of February so I will go there and I'll take my old laptop and I know my family won't believe in me, they want me in a day program and taking anti depressants. They don't like me on the stronger pain pill when I talk to my mom about it she ignores me. I would rather be painless than to up at night last night when I was in spasm my mom ignored me and she is so busy with her life and I wish that she wouldn't. But Steph and I are going to look into getting a handicap condo and move out of our houses and I want to leave the past behind me and she does too. I want to move on and really start living and having a boyfriend and I know that I probably will have a boyfriend. But there is no need for me here, when my body goes into a spasm my mom just sits out and watches tv and doesn't bother to help me. On Sunday when I asked her to put the tape on the quotes and bible verses she puts the tape on my computer desk and Steph said that she could have done it when she watching her shows. Steph and I were also talking how my mom only does these easy things and I wish that she would believe in me but she doesn't because in the past I've had to leave collage for medical reasons but I am hoping in February when I start up my classes at Monty Tech I won't have all these medical problems. Between my spasms, pain and every thing else but I am praying that those won't be so bad and that I can take a night class and help disabled people.
If more people trusted and believing in God they would have a better life, such as I asked God for a boyfriend and he's giving Dave back. Dave remembers when I went back to MHS and I was looking for my dad and he said "baby, he's in heaven and he's not coming". Dave helped me allot and I'm so happy that he is wanting to visit with me. Chris didn't want me and he just wanted sex from me, he said that sex before marriage isn't a sin. I said "yes it is" and he said "no and were done". In April he told me that I was to much into God, and then he said "if you want to be with me you need to have sex and do sexual things with me". I do admit it, I've done sexual things with guys before but I don't want that anymore, it's not that fun. I don't want to have sex I just want a good relationship and Dave will be the perfect guy for me. He's been there with me through the hard times and he's helped me through so much and I am thankful for him. Next month when I go see him I know my dad's going to be watching over me and he'll probably come in my dream and have a huge smile. Once when my dad came to MHS he said to Dave "so you're the guy my daughter talks about" and my face turned all red. Dave was able to help me in so many ways and I am so thankful for him and he would help me and I am so thankful for him.
Tomorrow's going to rain and my body isn't liking it because when it rains the spasms and pain get worse and I hate when the pain and spasms come. My life is pretty stressful the things I go through aren't easy but I've come so far in life that I can't stop now, my dad wouldn't give up. Today I saw my friend Dara and I was telling her that Steph and I are going to move out there is way to much tension between our moms and us. Her mom wants to hang out with her and my mom doesn't want too, she's so busy with her life. My mom only likes doing the easy things and it's to bad because then it puts allot of stress on Steph and it's not fair for her. On October 24th a place from my pca company and the dds worker is going to come and Steph will be there and I am hoping to get more pca hours so that I can get more help and more human interaction because with my mom she does her thing and I'm always bored after Steph leaves, tonight my mom went upstairs and stayed up there until 5:45 and I always feel bad asking her for help but she's my mom and she should also want to be apart of my life but she has chosen the people who she wants in her life and I'm just her option and I have dealt with it for so long that I'm burnt out by her and she never looks happy to help me anyway and she doesn't like when I go out on Friday nights but I need too, I need to live and I can't always stay here it gets very boring here.
I really hope that my insurance will pay for the hospital bed, once my mom puts in bed I can't fix myself and I always need to get her attention she's been fine with it without Jorma but I know when Jorma comes home next Friday she will ignore me. Sometimes I think that he tells her to ignore me and to stay with him he wants all of her time and every thing, I know that she won't ask me to go shopping with her. My bed that I have now it's okay but the hospital bed would be better for Steph, my mom and I. I wouldn't need to hurt my back and either would they need to hurt their backs too. I am hoping that my insurance will pay for the recline chair too so that way I can lay down, my chair that I have now it only tilts and doesn't recline and I know my mom doesn't like putting me in bed but I have a hoyer lift that could help her but she doesn't want to use it and it would make our lives allot easier and when I move out I am going to use it, all those transfers with my arms and if I have a spasm I could hurt my mom's and Steph's back but my mom says "it's in the way". She's just making it harder on herself when she doesn't want to use it so that's not my fault. The hoyer would be easier and a safer transfer but my mom doesn't want to use it she wants to use the sliding board and that's an okay way to transfer but when I have a spasm and they can happen at any time. My life isn't easy but I get through my day with the help of God, I don't know where I would be if I didn't have him probably with Chris and having sex and drinking. But I don't want to drink or do any of that anymore it's really not that fun. My niece Siira on her 21st birthday went out and got drunk and I am guessing on new years eve she went to go sleep at her friends so I'm probably guessing that they got drunk. I've gotten drunk so many times and it's really not that fun, you drink and then you forget what you did the night before. The last night I got drunk was Summer 2008 when I was at shake a leg it was the last night and we went to the club and I drank and wanted to bring a guy back to the dorm and that same year was when I became a born again Christian and after that Summer I haven't drank and I never will again.
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