I went to church today

My mom is different without Jorma, she is more compassionate without him and more patience. When she puts me in bed at nights she takes her time but when he's here she's different, he wants all of her time and it's been nice without him. I wish that he would get his own apartment but he won't. Dds is still going to look for a place and tell them that I can't live here, seeing Jorma walk around in his boxers it's uncomfortable and he gives me these looks. In 2009 when I moved back here he wouldn't look or talk with me he was so upset that I moved back and last December he told me that I would never be able to move out because I always need my mommy. But I need her in a different way, I can't do things for myself and if I could I would.

I went shopping with my mom and it was nice just her and I no Jorma and it's so peaceful without him. I really wish it would stay like this but I know it won't. My mom asked me "what do you want for dinner?" and she made us some Finnish dish that I love to eat. I had fun going out with her. I went to church today and the pastor's sermon was about being honest with God and I liked the service. I saw my friends there and I had a good time, my body was spasming but I went in a room where I could still listen.

Tomorrow I am going to see the doctor who does botox and I am hoping that she'll be able to help me, I am in so much pain right now the rain probably doesn't help me either.My neck and back are hurting allot and I know my mom doesn't like that I take the stronger pain med but she doesn't live in the pain that I do, and I hate the pain and spasm. I am always uncomfortable and feeding myself that's harder too, I am always spilling so I am hoping that the doctor can help me out, I hate living in hospitals it gets so frustrating it seems like that's all I do lately. I wish I could tell my mom how frustrating it is but she would tell me that I complain but I don't I am just explaining to her how I feel, she'll listen to Maiju and everyone else but when it comes to me she really doesn't have the patience because I stutter because of my disabilities and it gets frustrating. But thankfully I have Dawn and I can go to her, and I am happy I have her. I am hoping that she'll come over next week and that will be triple trouble, Fitchburg will need a huge warning that Dawn is coming to Fitchburg. One nice thing is that Jorma isn't here, it's so peaceful here and every thing is calm but when he's here the house isn't peaceful it's more stressful and I hate it.

I wish that at nights the phone wouldn't ring, it gets annoying. I always need to have my headphones on because I don't want to hear the phone ringing, when Dale worked here and the phone would ring she always wanted to pick up and say "get a life", I text more than I talk on the phone. I am going to call Ann and ask her to please get me out of here, I can't live here and I know that my family would never trust me living on my own. December 2008 every one thought that I over dosed on my medications but I didn't and I want to ask Steph if she would want to get a condo and I could get other pcas but we would only have our cell phones. I always get relaxed  around 8:30 and the phone is always ringing and I will try to read and the phone rings. I wish the house was longer so that I could be on the other side and I wouldn't hear the phone ring, it gets so frustrating. I like having quiet and I can't even have my music loud after 9 and right now it's 10:10pm and Maiju must have called here so many times and it gets very annoying. I can't read in peace and I am always hearing my mom blab on the phone and I can't shut my door because Lacy needs to come in but I would love if the phone would stop ringing around 8, but Maiju is a busy body and always needs to be talking to someone. She's called my doctor's so many times and she's called Steph she has 3 kids and their all in school but Maiju needs to find a job or something to keep herself busy and be on the phone she needs to get a life other blabbing about peoples lives. Maiju has called Ellen in the past and 3 years ago when I went to the hospital every one found out and my former pca Jenny found out, that's why I can't go to my sisters because they'll blab to the whole world especially Maiju she is a busy body.