I went to church :)

My mom is going to church again, it's Jorma who doesn't like going. It's sad to see that he doesn't like going to church he would rather drink beer and do his own thing, it makes me sad for my mom. When he wasn't in our lives she use to go every Sunday but when he came into our lives she stopped going to church. My mom said "after you get home we can go to the grocery store" and when Jorma's here she never offers me to go with her. It's him who doesn't want me around it's sad,  Jorma wants her all to himself and he doesn't want to share her with me. He doesn't like if I go walking with them or anything. So I will need to move out and leave them two behind he'll be back on October 21st and that's when every thing will change again and I'm really not ready for change but what ever if he wants all of my moms time than he can have it and he'll be happy that I am gone. In 2009 when I moved back here he didn't like that he didn't talk to me and I always got these looks like "you're not supposed to be here" and he would talk to everyone else but me. I like just being here with my mom it's peaceful and I don't need to worry that I will see him in his boxers with no shirt on either. But when I go back to the Lutheran church they all want me back, but their worship and service puts me to sleep.

I've been a born again Christian for 3 years now and it's been an amazing change, when I was a Lutheran I use to swear. At the Lutheran church I couldn't take communion because I never took the classes and went I back there when my nephew Christian passed the classes they wouldn't give it to me. I was so bored that I had to go in the nursery because I wasn't use to their style of church anymore, when I go back there for the Christmas service I could tilt back and take a nice long nap. It's not my style of church, I like hillsong "The Stand, and the inside out" I never thought that I would like that kind of music and I am so glad that I changed churches and maybe that's what Al was in my life for to get me out religion, I lost friends when I changed churches but I made new ones. Jenny is more of Maiju and Suvi's friend now and Jenny can relate to Maiju because she has kids now. Jenny and I use to be really close but now we're not and it's sad that when you change churches you loose friends too it's crazy how religion is. It's not about the religion it's about having a relationship with God and I've never been this close to him and every night I pray with Lacy. Last night I was talking with Dave and he's been thinking about us and he was there when my dad died and he helped me when he was gone. Chris doesn't talk with Dave anymore, Chris just wants to have sex and go out and have fun. But Dave will give me the time and day and he called me yesterday and that made me very happy.

My mom picked me up from church and on the way home I was telling her what Dave and I talked about and she said "is that all you two talked about was about the sad things?" it's kind of like she wants to forget about my dad. I miss my dad and I can't go talk to my mom about him because she'll tell me that she doesn't want to hear it or she's busy. But I need to talk about what happen 12 years ago even though my mom doesn't like too my dad was a huge part of my life. He came to MHS every Wednesday until he couldn't, it's sad how cancer doesn't take one but the whole family. I asked someone from church if they knew of any pca's that could work on Sunday's because once winter comes I know my mom won't want to bring me because Jorma doesn't like church he would rather drink beer or work on the house. He goes once a month just to prove that he is a good man, tonight I asked my mom to put tape on quotes and bible verses and she just put the tape around my desk she only wants to do the easy things such as put me in bed and take me out and do my medications but she doesn't want to do the showers or laundry she wants to leave that all to Steph and that's not fair either. In August that's when she quit doing my laundry and she won't bring out my trash either she leaves it all for Steph and that's not fair for her. Tomorrow Steph and I will look for condo's in Leominster I want and need to move out of here. I can't always sit in my room alone while she's watching tv, or talking on the phone and I'm in here. I've done it for so long that I can't do it anymore she's chosen all the people who she wants in her life and sadly I'm not one of them and I'm her daughter and she should be wanting to spend time with me but she really doesn't want too.

I really hope that dds can get my job back so that I would have something to do during the day, I know that Steph doesn't like going to the library or doing the puzzle books. I am also waiting to get the botox too, my back gets so hot and that tendon that I over worked when I was at MHS now I am paying the price for it. I wish I had listened to the doctor's when they said to slow down, but I was mad at the cancer for taking my dad away, that tendon will send me into a huge spasm and when it does it gets frustrating because then I need to deal with the pain I know my mom doesn't like me taking the stronger pain med but she's not the one who is living in the pain and she can take some pain med and it helps her. But my pain is different and if I didn't need to take that pill I wouldn't but I need too and I wish I could put all of them in my shoes for the day and see how they could handle the pain and spasm. I don't think they could handle it but that's why God chose me to be disabled because he knew that I wouldn't give up. I've seen my dad die, my mom walk away from God my younger sister marry a non believer and I've seen my mom gone from happy to frustrated with Jorma. She still is making a big deal about my cell phone bill and I want to say "if you need it that bad then you can get it at the metro pcs store". I know that tomorrow she's going talk with Steph and she'll say "you need to take better care of Minna's stuff". I need to move out she's really not happy and it's putting allot of stress on me and that's not fair on my part so I need to move on and forget about Jorma and my mom I know when Jorma comes back that's when my mom will stop asking me to go shopping with her because Jorma wants all of her time and he only likes to share her with my sisters and my aunts and uncles but when it comes to me he doesn't like too. I think it's because I need more help and I can't do