relaxed

I really hope I get the hospital bed, this bed isn't comfortable and my back or knee is always hurting me. I know that my mom doesn't like coming to fix me at nights unless she's going to the bathroom. I have to wear this thing on my heal at nights and my knee has been twisting outward and it's not a comfortable position. I am hoping that in my new chair they can put something so my foot doesn't fly off the foot plate that hurts my hip. I will be in a store and all of a sudden my leg falls off the foot plate, in my manual wheelchair MHS put a foot box and that is what I would ask Chris my wheelchair guy to put on my new chair so that way if I don't have my foot buckled my foot won't fly off. On Monday I go see the botox doctor so I am going to request her to do it again as much as it's painful it will help me in the long run.

Today I went out with Steph and she had to get something for her boyfriend and we went to the Burlington mall, I went to barns and noble while she went to the mall. I couldn't tell my mom where we were going because she would have a fit if she knew where we were going. When I try to live I can't and it gets frustrating, I want to live but when I can't my mom doesn't like it and I wish that she would. It's been a rainy day all day today, Steph wanted to take me to cross roads on Sunday but I don't want too because no one there wants me there. When Steph was doing the vbs every one was telling her how I bug people when I'm there so I really don't want to go there if I am just going to bug them and even Al was saying that I'm a distraction there. So I will go to horizon and hopefully Ann will have more pca hours for me and I can have more time here and I won't be bored half the time.

I am hoping to meet with dds tomorrow along with Ellen, I want and I need to find a job. I want to work with disabled people and help them out as much as I can, I like helping disabled people out. I know that the arc won't hire me, the director won't hire me back and I can't go shopping every day. I like going out but then my mom complains about the gas. I couldn't tell her where Steph and I were going today because she would get bent out of shape and it's to bad. I like going shopping, tomorrow I am hoping to go to barns and noble I like to read there and it makes my time go by faster when I read and I'm out of the house. If Ann my dds worker got me more pca hours than I will hire some one from church, my mom told Kristen my nurse yesterday that I go to bed to late but she is always watching her show's until 11pm and last night I wanted to say "why do you tell people that I stay up to late, and you watch your show's until 11?" I was telling Steph that last night and it even confuses Steph too. I need to move out and that's another question that I will ask my dds worker how long is the waiting list for shared living? I want and need to move out of here asap! It's so peaceful with Jorma but in two weeks he'll be back and than I will see him walk around in his boxers but I will keep my door half way shut so that way I won't see him when he comes out of the bathroom. My room is right next to the bathroom and I always need to make sure that I am facing the other way so that I don't see him walking out of the bathroom, I wouldn't mind if it was my dad but he's not my dad.

I can't believe that September is over tomorrow, the weeks fly by. I don't know where they go either, on minute I know it's Monday then the next minute I know it's Friday. This November will be 7 years that I've had my colostomy, I wasn't supposed to make out of that surgery but I did and I am glad that I did. It wasn't an easy thing to accept but now I don't mind it. I wish my dad would have gotten the colostomy but he was a stubborn Finnish man, and if he would have gotten it he would have still been here. My friend Dave remembers the day that he died, I'm still his chocolate queen. I am sure that he would be proud of me for that and he would be proud of me for keeping the faith and I never lost it even when my life got harder. I am a strong young lady and when I go places and people ask me where did I learn to do all this? I say "my dad taught me" and he probably has a box full of credit's in heaven. I am going to do relay for life in memory of him again, that's not easy for me to do but I do it for him because of what he taught me and I give him so much credit for teaching me the truth and he would be very happy with me. I go places even though I am disabled, I do things for myself and I do allot more than other disabled people do for themselves. On October 9th will be 1 year that Suvi and Brad got married and I made a speech and I told her not to forget me and to hang out with me and she made that promise and she broke it. She's so busy with school, Brad and the married life and she and Maiju (my other sister) they do so many things together but they never include me. I am always stuck here and I get bored here, my mom talks on the phone and watches her shows. It's my time to move out and start to live and get my own life and find a good boyfriend who lives close to me. I thought Matt was the right guy for me but he isn't, Chad (Steph's boyfriend) was asking him does he believe in God and he said "no". I want a good Christian guy so this Sunday when I go to church I will ask if anyone knows of any single guys who want a girlfriend.