okay kind of day

I really need to move out, my mom won't empty my trash or do much of anything anymore she just wants to do the easy things. It's to bad because she use to do my laundry and two weeks ago she told Stephanie that she wasn't going to do it anymore. She wants my sheets changed and she won't do that anymore, she won't take me out because Stephanie needs to do that. It makes me feel rejected and unwanted and useless, she could care less if I ate. I'm not sure why it changed and I wish it hadn't, I wouldn't have wanted to move out if she would have interacted with me and that's what I am going to write her in the letter and leave it for her. I won't have Stephanie  take down any of the quotes or bible verses until I am gone, I am taking Lacy, this morning she jumped on my bed and I was talking to her and she gets so happy when I talk to her and it's cute too. At nights she sleeps next to me and I really love her and I am so thankful for her. When I come home from some where she goes nuts and she misses me when I am gone, she's so cute! I tell her if her if her ears were any bigger that she could fly and she wags her tail. I never thought that I would accept my colostomy and I always thought that I would be on anti depressants but God had different plans for me. I know my family would like me on them because I am more quiet but I need a life too, and I like who I am. I like reading, and doing quotes and bible verses and doing other things. Tonight I am going to worship tonight and tomorrow bible study and I like living and I am so glad that I have Dawn she's disabled and I can go to her any time.
Al my use to be stand in dad told Stephanie that I need to read the bible more, it makes me not even want to do my quotes and bible verses anymore. Al has told me in the past that I am lazy but I do all these things and he kind of reminds me of my mom. Al was also telling Stephanie that he wants me to read my bible more but when I do my quotes and bible verses I am reading my bible. It's easier for me to read them the way I do it, and he's been really rude. It gets annoying and he says that I'm not fully surrendered to the Lord just because I stopped drinking and swearing. I'm just sick of him always putting me down and always putting me down like he does.
I really didn't like how Stephanie treated me today, I said at the park "you have no idea what it's like to be disabled" and I know that she was texting Chad her boyfriend. I got so frustrated with her that after she said that I took off and went around the park and it really upset me and she was saying "you can come to me any time and I will pray with you" but she doesn't understand what it's like to be disabled and to be stuck in this wheelchair and it frustrated me. I was telling her how the clients at the arc they miss me and she was saying "they told my mom that they weren't going to hire you back but you can pray about it" tomorrow when I go to the library I am going to the arc too and I am going to show Stephanie how excited the clients get when they see me and I know that they miss me, I've been told by so many people so I do need to go back to work there. It felt nice to be needed and wanted there and at my house I'm really not needed or wanted by my mom she is so busy with Jorma and the phone. Tonight I was going to worship but my mom said that she was going to watch Mrs.Universe and that she was taking her shower at 8pm so she did. It really upset me how Al told Stephanie that I don't read my bible and he won't be my stand in dad but perssonally I don't want him as my stand in dad anyway because he always wants me to go swimming and do all these things that I can't do.
I really hope and pray that it works out with Matt and I, he's a really nice guy and when he saw me last week in Market Basket he looked so happy to see me. He said "do you remember me?" and when I said "Matt" he smiled. He use to get me out of my chair and work on my back and the last time I really hung out with him was in 2003 and I miss him. I am going to text him tomorrow and ask him if we are still hanging out together on Wednesday and if says yes, then whole heaven will hear me scream. I want a boyfriend and maybe I wouldn't feel so bad about myself, my sisters are all married and I want a boyfriend too and I want to feel good about myself too. I really think that Matt would help me, I know that I would forget about my disabilities if I get back with him and then I wouldn't be comparing myself to my sisters. When I had Chris in my life I liked it, and he helped me allot. Last October when Suvi got married that was the hardest thing, seeing my younger sister get married before I did. Brad and Suvi they are different, Suvi wants kids and Brad doesn't. I wonder why they even got married, Suvi really doesn't go to church much anymore because she's still caught up in the marriage life, and it's sad. Last December on Christmas Eve Brad didn't want to go to church he said "I'm in too much pain" and I said "I live in pain every day so if I can go to church every Sunday so can you". I am really hoping that Matt and I will work out and I really like him, I know that he would make me feel good about myself. So I will see what happens after we hang out, I am going to pray allot that whole day so that I can be more than friends with him that would be nice and it would make me very happy too :)