I slept until 9:10 this morning and I was telling my mom that the doctor don't want to take me off the pain med and she asked "why?" I said "I sleep better". She has no compassion towards me anymore, she use to when my dad was alive. But the enemy and Jorma both took it away from her and it gets frustrating because I wish I had a rewind button to when he was alive. She was so much happier and now that Jorma's in her life she's not happy she puts on a huge show but I see it every day that she's really not as happy as she says she is. She use to be a whole a lot compassionate towards me and she use to want to do things with me. She won't even empty my trash because she wants Stephanie do it all. She just wants to fill my meds and put me in bed and take me out and when Stephanie isn't here she'll make me dinner but she doesn't interact with me and it makes me sad and it hurt me allot. I want my mom back the one that the enemy stole from me and I want the nice and compassionate one back and not the rude one and the one who doesn't ask me about my days. She isn't the one who lives in this pain and all the things that I go through and I really wish that she would understand it. I am hoping that tomorrow Ann my dds worker will call me back and tell me how long the waiting list is for shared living I need to move out this stressful house and I need to go some where else where I am needed and wanted too.
I went to church and everyone there is so nice to me and they are all so funny, they tell me that I need speeding tickets the way I drive. I really like how they see past my wheelchair and they ee the real me, I was talking to one lady at the end of church and she was asking me how is everything between my mom and I? I told her that she won't do my laundry, empty my trash she won't do my showers. So I will get another pca here for nights, I know that my mom won't like. I will say "you don't spend time with me and I can't always sit in my room alone, you talk with Maiju, Liisa and you go upstairs with Jorma and I wouldn't do that to you and you don't do it to my sisters so why do you do it to me?". I am so glad that I am a Christian half the people that I know on my facebook they don't believe in God the people from FHS and MHS there are a few of them that do believe in God. I have this one friend who is married to a woman and they have a 6 month baby and there's others who don't believe in God. Today the pastor at Horizon asked us "where were you 10 years ago?" because today is 10 years that the twin towers crashed and did allot of damage to USA. I remember when I was at MHS they had to keep it a secret from us but they told us. 10 years ago, I was still swearing and in my MHS & FHS picture's I am flipping the camera off. It's been 3 years that I've been born again and it's the best thing that I've ever done in my whole 28 years!
I really hope that dds can get me out of quickly I saw Jorma run in his boxers tonight and my mom sleeps in a short night gown and I am disabled but I'm not stupid I know they have sex. I am excited the next two nights are going to be busy tomorrow night a night of worship at horizon until 9 and it starts at 7 so I will be gone for two hours then on Tuesday I will have the woman's bible study and I will be gone that night. Hopefully on Wednesday night Matt will come over for awhile I miss him and he misses me too. I like when I have busy nights that will make my nights go by faster, sitting here gets boring and my mom doesn't interact with me she's so busy with her life that I don't fit into it and it's sad and right now she's watching this Finnish soap opera on the TV. I don't even go bother to talk to her anymore because it's useless and pointless too because if I go talk with her and the phone rings then she picks it up and stops talking to me and it gets frustrating and it makes me sad too how she give her time to everyone else but when it comes to me she won't. She won't empty my trash or do my laundry, or give me a shower. I need to find another pca to help Stephanie and I out, I know she doesn't like anyone here at nights but she does nothing with me and I need human interaction at nights. I can't sit in my room every night alone, if she was in my position I wouldn't do it to her. I am praying that dds will get me out of here soon so that I can get the right kind of help I need. In August when I canceled my dentist she told Stephanie that she has quit caring about me and it's sad.
Tomorrow I am calling Ann from dds and asking her how long the waiting list is for shared living, I can't live here anymore, I am bored half the time and my mom wants Stephanie to do allot of the work and she'll do the easy things and that's not fair for Stephanie either. I want to move out of here quickly, I need to start living and I am also hoping that I can get my job back at the arc too, I know that the clients miss me. When the lady told me that they missed me it made me feel loved and wanted. When I was at the arc I forgot that I was disabled and I need that again even if Stephanie comes with me she can help out there too. I liked going there and it made me feel good about myself, I need to feel good about myself too. I can't always stay here and do the same thing and the clients would get so happy when they saw me and I felt good. At lunch time I would take them to get lunch and I would help them out and once a guy said "I can't get these dollar bills" so I said "when you go back to your group home, ask your staff to put your money in a 5 dollar bill" and the next time I went there that's what they did for him. I will be in the library and the clients will be there too and when they see me they say "we miss you, can you come back to us?" I miss going to help them out and they miss me too. Alycia my friend from MHS she's in the day program and she's so smart, it's sad how they put these smart people into these day programs. In 2007 Miia told me that I was going into a day program, but I already went through boring things that was at FHS and I can read and do all these things but my mom and sisters would love me in a day program but I won't go in one I will help out there but I won't go into one that would bore me and I am disabled in my legs and not in my head. Maybe that's why I am disabled to change the world for disabled people so that we get treated the right way and not the wrong way and so that the world will look past our wheelchairs and disabilities, God looks past them he see's who I really am and I am thankful for him for looking past them :)
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