boring day

I really wish that my mom didn't lie to me yesterday how she said "I'm not going out, I am going to be baking all day" and I'm just sick of being rejected by her. It really hurts me allot but she doesn't seem to care and all she cares about is Jorma, and everyone else. When I started to cry Stephanie hugged me. Last night when she was putting me to bed she said "I'm so tired" but then I herd her watching the Finnish news upstairs it makes me feel unwanted and rejected. I didn't want to go to the Finnish fair because then I would Suvi's mother in law and father in law and her sister in law. I also got very hurt by my mom, she's always putting me down and it gets old. I asked my mom if she could put a handle on the door so I could get it shut better and she said "I don't have time to do that right now" so I will use my grab stick. Last night I had my ipod playing and it has all Christian music and my mom was watching her shows and she turned the volume up so that she wouldn't need to hear my music. I really wish that she cared more and Stephanie was reading my dads journals and even she said that when he was alive she was more compassionate but since Jorma came into the picture she's lost her compassion and it's too bad. She use to be so nice and more caring towards me but since my dad died and Jorma came into the picture she kind of ignores me and she has time for everyone else but me
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I wasn't able to go to church because my mom didn't want to move the rug so I dropped my grabber and I've been stuck inside. My mom doesn't like to charge my chair every night but my chair it is my legs. Dawn, Dave and everyone else who has a power chair they charge their chairs. I am going to call dds tomorrow, I need to move out. My mom has changed she's not patience with me and I wish that she was it's like I can't please her but I don't need to please her all I need to do is please God. I emailed people to find another pca who will take me out, my mom only wants to do the easy things.

When my mom came back from the Finnish fair she was fine with me but Jorma wasn't and he really reminds me of a woman. Because one day he's fine with me then the next day he's not. I laugh how he runs out of the kitchen when he see's me coming and then I yelled for my mom and he was in the living room with his daughter and he shook his head. I wanted to say "I can't do things for myself like you can", I wish that he would show that part to Maiju and everyone else but he doesn't dare to show them the real him and I wish that he would. But he has to much pride to show it and I wish that he would get rid of his pride and show his real side to him. I am going to call dds tomorrow and I am hoping that they can get me out of here soon. I can't live here any more, it's like he has his period and I am so tempted to say "here is a pad for your period". I am hoping that Ann my dds can also get me more pca hours too so that I wouldn't get bored half the time here.

Tomorrow I am going to ask Ann if I could get a job working at Alycia's group home, because I have a pretty good feeling that they do allot for her. Last week when I went to the arc I told them what she can do for herself and they thanked me for telling them. I really want them to hire me back I miss working at the arc or even if Ann could get me working in another day program I just need to do something else and Stephanie said that she would come with me and be in a different section. I liked working there even though I didn't get paid I was still able to make an impact on all their lives so it made me feel good about about myself. When I was at MHS the seniors would go into the elementary part of the school and we would go help them out. I remember this one boy his name was Eric and he loved seeing me, and last year at my dentist appointment I saw him and he got so happy to see me. My last day there was so hard for me to leave there and say good bye to everyone there, when they said "seniors pack your things and have your bags ready before graduation at 6pm". So I l went to go pack there and it was the hardest thing to do that day. I kept thinking "I'm going to see my dad" and when I didn't my life became numb I remember I was looking all over for him. He was a great dad and he taught me how to live and I am so thankful for him even to this day I have 9 pictures of him all over my room and every night I thank God for him he taught me lessons that I will never forget. I really want to make an impact on other disabled people. My friend Sammy she got her high school diploma and Alycia didn't, Sammy is in college while Alycia sits in a day program. I don't know how she does it, in 2004 before my colostomy my mom and Maiju had me try one out for the day and I am so thankful that I don't go to one. I like doing what I do now, I wouldn't mind going to help out in one again that made me feel good about myself and I need that again.