comfortable

I really hope that my nurse can convince my mom to get the hospital bed, I can't sleep in mine anymore I'm not comfortable and it's not fair if she was me I would get her a comfortable bed. I know I am getting weaker because I can't do things for myself, when I try and feed myself I make a mess and my pain and spasms are worse. I know that my mom doesn't like me taking the stronger pain medication but she's not living in my body. When I don't have a pca here my spasms last longer because my mom doesn't remind me to relax she is always watching TV or is on the stupid  phone! I want to move out of here, yesterday when my colostomy leaked she told me that I shouldn't be drinking all the juice packets and instead water. I said  "my medications make me more thirsty" she doesn't want me eating things or drinking things and it's getting to be way to hard for me to handle and I've done it for so long and I know she doesn't like charging my chair but it's my legs, Chris the wheelchair guy said it can go 20 miles without needing charging. I texted that to Dawn and she told me that she charges her chair every night even if she doesn't go out. I can't do it anymore, I am always in my room alone and if I go talk to her she'll get on the phone with one of my sisters or her sisters or a friend from church. I can't please her, it's not my fault my meds make me more thirsty I was so happy going with her to market basket and when we left she was in a bad mood. 
My back and knee hurts so badly, it's the spasming and it gets frustrating. I hate it and I wish I had a rewind button to when my body wasn't this tight and spastic. My knee always twists and my back always hurts and I always need to wear this boot on my heal because of my tone. I miss being able to see more things better and now my glasses broke and next month I have the eye doctor and I know when they do the color test I will fail that.
Today I went out with Steph and when we went out Suvi gave me her library card and Steph really didn't want to go the library so we went to get her brother Ryan and we went to the park. Ryan and Steph said "library's and reading are more for winter and in the fall in summer you're supposed to be out". Steph doesn't like going to barns and noble but she'll go to the Christian book store and it frustrates me because I enjoy going to the book store or the library that's why I am hoping that Ann my dds worker can find me a job and get me more pca hours. I can't always sit out side in parks and I know that Steph likes doing that but I am more of a book reader and she's really not. I love to read I can read between70 & 80 pages a day and I read my sisters keeper in one day. When Dale & Siira were working with me we would the library  or to the barns and noble. I've always loved to read, I had to take a break from reading tonight because when I read every night my head always hurts so I can't read every night.
I got an email from this magazine person and she got my name from the person who is going to do the movie about me, and she wanted to know what makes me unique so I told her. That I lost my dad and how he made a huge impact on me, even though he had stage 3 colon cancer he taught me how to live. When random people on the streets ask me where did I learn all that I say "my dad taught me and he died of stage 3 colon cancer but through his cancer he taught me how to live". Two weeks ago when I went to barns and noble a man asked me where did I learn and I said from my dad. I am sure that he is smiling down on me right now as I am typing this, and when he named me his chocolate queen he should have thought better because I grew up to be one and now I am in love with chocolate all because of him and Steph wants to smack him so did Dale. I laugh and when I go to heaven he'll probably say "you did a good job with your chocolate" I will say "yes, but Steph and Dale didn't like it" and he'll probably laugh. He taught me how to trust God more than doctor's because they can only do so much but God can do allot more than humans can and it's true.